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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » "C*nt Fest" RP Board
Cactus
Author Message
Noah Jackson Offline
Very Serious Wrestler



XWF FanBase:
Hardly anyone to be honest

(booed by most fans; hurts people even when not supposed to; often angry and shitty)


#1
01-25-2020, 10:19 PM

Cactus
[Image: wpacdRK.gif]


I wake from a slight power nap, cuddled in between two rock pillows. I take a look at my dead phone dies and peek through the gap watching the sun begin to set, I decide to move on from my safe place from the boulders, it's still burning fucking hot and my throat feels dry. Kill for a VB and a phone charger right now... I scan the horizon which doesn't help at all to where I actually am, at least there are no fucking roos... I walk in a random direction hoping I find the site again.

Least I'll get a gnarly tan. I remove my sweat-stained t-shirt and tuck it partially into my shorts as I sink into the soft sand with each step; I begin to walk towards a dune that looks vaguely familiar; I mean, they all look the fucking same but what other hope have I got. I get to the cunt and place my hands on the burning sand before recoiling immediately from the heat, I gingerly place them down again sucking air through my teeth and crawl my way quickly to the top making an audible 'ow' with every foot I climb. At the peak I shield my eyes from the sun.

Guess what I see.

If you guessed sand and a cactus you'd be dead on, cunt.

I sigh to myself before sitting on my ass and going down the dune like it's the least fun slide in the world. I hit the bottom and hop back up to my feet continuing to walk like a stroppy little cunt.

Hey Fuzz, you won LL, cunt. You get your own pay-per-view, where do you want it? The Bahamas? Dubai? Somewhere with a 5-star hotel and fucking water?

Oh no, you want it in Oz? And you want me to pick the location!? Well, cunt, I fucking love music festivals, how about we have the cunt in the desert like a festival! During a national water shortage and the worst fires we've seen in a lifetime.

Fuck me, I am one smart cunt...

This whole thing is just fucked. This is how I fucking die! Lost in the cunting desert and it's mostly my fault! Won't make it to Cunt-Fest, gonna love my TV Title, lose my chance at the Tag Titles. I wonder what happened if that fucking coin just landed heads... He'd be stuck out here like a cunt and I'd be cursing him like he's cursing me right now. At least I'd have Vita with me... That's fucked now too! FUCKING CUNTS! Fuzz should be out here, he betrayed me! He should be doing everything to make up for that shit but noooooo, I'm a sad prick and couldn't lose him so I forgive the cunt. Rather be in fucking denial... What the fuck is wrong with me? I should have kicked the shit out him, cut ties and peaced out. Moved on to bigger and better things. Look we're following him actually lead me.

Here.

Walking past some prickly cunt in a baron wasteland.

Great life choices, Noah, fucking top notch.

He's gonna fuck me off anyway for not showing up... So then I won't have a fake dad and I won't have a girlfriend thanks to Atara. I'm just gonna be a corpse in the desert with no one around and no one giving a fuck about me. Oh everyone look at Noah, he's all depressed like a little bitch but hides it with humour what an original cunt. I kick in the sand in front of me out of frustration and look around at the nothingness as the sky fills a dull orange; the wind picks up carrying the smell of smoke and I shiver to my core for a breath moment. I stop and even wonder if there's any point continuing on; the last thing I want to care about right now is walking through the desert to see two pissed off cunts who I care about and go into two matches. But that's the only thing I can think of!

And it's driving me insane.

Fucking swimming pool match... Ugh, water sounds so good right now...

And Atara in that water...

[cuntevent][/cuntevent]

And I'm wrestling her as she gets wetter and wetter... Her bikini clinging close to her.

[cuntevent][/cuntevent]

... Man, I'm thirsty.

Pun intended.

I mean I'm basically single now and everyone just assumes we're fucking so what's the harm, right? What have I got to lose?

[cuntevent][/cuntevent]

...

Right...

Fuck... I need to get back to her.



Meanwhile in the main timeline...

[i]Me and Dad are monitoring the situation from the hood of our tricked out Subaru. A bevvie each in hand we look as the main stage is put together and shit looks fucking ripper. Fuzz shakes his head with a slight grin.


FUZZ: "Man, it's finally clicked that it's all together. Just seeing this, kid, it's ours! And it's finally happening."

"Bloody oath, cunt. Feels real now."

FUZZ: "And we'll be walking out of our show with all the gold, life can't get better."

"I'll drink to that."

Me and dad clink our cans together and take a sip each.

FUZZ: "Gotta say, VB is actually growing on me."

"That's my Australian heritage working in on you now that we're actually related."

He narrows his eyes at me.

FUZZ: "Doesn't work that way, son."

"It doesn't? ... Huh." I take another swig before patting the hood of the Subaru. "Can't wait to see this sick cunt trash that rookie."

FUZZ: "Oh yeah, that'll definitely be a highlight."

"And seeing Cent in a dress."

FUZZ: "He's owning that pretty hard though, can I ask why you wanted that?"

"Put him in his place. He thinks it's some humiliation or some shit, like we all saw the cunt dress as Adolf Targaryen a while back so we know he doesn't care about looking like a cunt but it's legit just to remind him I own the cunt. I beat him on my Warfare debut and he still gets salty every time I talk to him, he has never asked for a rematch and has pissed his pants in general at the sight of me. I want him to know, no matter what, he's still my bitch."

FUZZ: "Hm... So you can hold a grudge."

"Only to cunts I don't like, most people get a pass."

Fuzz makes a slight chuckle as we see someone approach.

FUZZ: "Holy shit is that Vita?"

V approaches looking like an Apache attack helicopter wrapped in flesh; fucking built like a brick shithouse.

"Hey babe."

VV: "Hey guys! Not interrupting am I?"

"Course not." I budge up and pat the hood of the car. "Hop on."

V smiles and jumps onto the car beside me and it very visibly dips on her side; She places an arm under my head and I cuddle up to her like she's a pillow made out of grade A steak. Dad looks over his mouth agape.

FUZZ: "Vita what the fuck?"

VV: "What? I got swole."

FUZZ: "I can see that... How so quick?"

VV: "I got these AMAZING protein shakes, I'll hook you up."

FUZZ: "Protein shakes, huh?"

Dad looks down at me. I roll my eyes.

"What Vita does with her body and how she does it I may not agree with but I will support her choice."

FUZZ: "And you're okay with... That?"

Dad points a swirling finger around VV's gains. V side-eyes him a little but stays quiet.

"Yeah, it's sick! Look at her! She's like a rock climbing wall with a pretty face! I'm not some insecure prick who feels like his masculinity is being threatened, I ain't no Gilmour cunt."

Dad gives a slight sigh before shaking his head.

FUZZ: "As long as you're happy?"

VV: "Fuzz, do you have a problem?"

"I- ... No, I'm just being a dad I guess. To be honest everything has been a bit odd as of late."

"Yeah I vibe with that."

VV: "Okay, just wondering."

FUZZ: "Vita, right now you're the person I'd rather not pick a fight with."

Me and V give a short laugh as Fuzz hops off the car.

FUZZ: "I'll leave you kids to it, don't do anything I wouldn't do."

He begins to walk as me and V get more comfortable on the hood.

"Later, dad."

VV: "Buh-bye!"

Dad throws his hand back in a wave as me and V look over at the sunset.

VV: "Okay so can we talk about Atara?"

"Jesus, V, nothing's going on!"

VV: "I know that but that cunt is up to something."

"She wants to play mind games by letting some helium loose from her head. She's honestly nothing to spare a thought on, cunt."

VV: "I know but it's just how she is, REALLY annoys me."

"That's how she operates, she doesn't try to break people in the way me and you would attack someone. It's all vague bullshit to raise some kind of self-importance; she's plastic, fake. You can see right through her and immediately tell just how much of a glass house she is. She wants people to say she's some Goddess, she wants people to focus on how she looks so they don't see how little of a threat she is. She came in and loss to Jessalyn Hart, you know, the cunt you carried for so long. She loss on her debut and that made her look bad and she couldn't stand that shit! It fucking hurts losing your debut, to a lot of people it can fuck up the rest of your career and what does the cunt do?"

"She demands a rematch, she pushes that match like it's a once in a lifetime event and she makes sure that her winning this time completely overshadows that embarrassing blemish."

"Atara is a terrified little girl."

"She will try everything to weasel her way out of looking bad. Her promo against me, wasn't for me, no, cunt, it was for you. Despite you not being her opponent. She pulled a Lacklan and used this match to focus on future gold, like a dumb cunt. She can see you're taking the Hart and the Hart title around a girl whose all deal is being loved is just too fitting for her to pass up, so she pulls this dumb shit instead, she tries to avoid me breaking her down and smashing that glass safe space around her to pieces. Shame, could have gone hard with saying she has a face for TV instead and actually could have stood a chance in this little promo war."


VV: "Yeah, face for Jerry Springer..."

"HA! Got em. But be careful, I think Maury is still around if he heard you mentioning that cunt he won't shut the fuck up."

V makes an angelic giggle and looks to me.

VV: "So that's it? You've exposed her as a fake bitch? Everyone knows she's fake."

"Yeah, love, it's all makeup and photoshop and I don't mean just her looks. Her promos are basically pop-up books trying to distract horny twelve-year-olds from how dull the cunt is. Oh yeah, what she gonna say and do? Call people doves and talk to her mate? If I get called out for that shit than she deserves to as well. Replacing doves with the word cunt, of course. She wants to appear as this star when she hasn't done fuck all to deserve any recognition here. This is her chance to actually prove she's worth a fuck and she can't even step up to the level."

"So when I drown her in the shallow waters and leave her mascara running, I'll be happy to know I put another shit cunt in their place."

"Down in Gilmour-tier levels of abysmal disappointment, making them no more than a catchphrase with zero fucking shit to ever back it up."


V's eyes scan my face with a sweet grin.

VV: "Now that sounds sick."

"So sick." I give V a kiss. "Wanna fuck in the back of the Subbie?"

VV: "Aww, so romantic!"

Hint of sarcasm but doesn't stop her dragging my collar to the backseat.

Life is good, cunts.



Life is shit, cunts.

Nothing but pain and fucking misery.

AND THERE'S THAT FUCKING CACTUS AGAIN!

I've walking in circles for fucking hours! It's black, the moon guides my blind footsteps. My lips are cracking and I'm on the verge of passing out.

Fuck this!

Fuck this fucking shit!

If I ever, EVER, get back to civilisation I'm going to murder Fuzz. This is all on him... Fucking cunt...

I'll fucking set the world on fire...

...

I should grow a goatee...



[cuntevent] Noah did eventually make it out of the desert and he did grow that goatee.

Dehydrated and exhausted to the point of fatigue he wasn't cleared to wrestle. Not able to fulfil his duties, Atara Themis became Television Champion by default and Kenzi and Sarah Grey-Lacklan retained their titles as Fuzz tried to fight them on his own but the numbers game was too much.

A rift quickly occurred between Noah and Fuzz, both having harsh feelings towards one another.

Vita dumped Noah, thinking Atara screwed all bodily fluids from him leaving him in a mummified like state.

Noah quit the XWF, ashamed and embarrassed. He moved to Canada to 'find out how maple syrup was made'. He did so and was let down with the process.

To this day he lives in Toronto.

He plots his revenge on everyone who has wronged him.

This is but one timeline, will the same occur in the other we know?
[/cuntevent]






"Pffft, will it fuck. Hardest worker in the XWF ain't gonna let that weak shit happen."








[Image: iwofq6s.png]
FORMER:
[Image: OZdvB4F.png]
[Image: l6KRzu8.png]

W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment
Holder of the most wins in the XWF (Mostly house shows)
Holder of the most draws in XWF (All on Anarchy)
Winner of Sickest Cunt of the Year 2020
Winner of Greatest Wrestler who ever lived 2022
Holder of the world's rarest pog collection (Valued at $200)
Owner of Ned Kaye's cat that Ned named Deepthroat for some weird reason
Voted most feared man by Centurion (Twice!)
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(01-26-2020), "Loverboy" Vinnie Lane (01-26-2020), Atara Raven (01-25-2020), Corey Smith (01-26-2020), Jim "the Jim" Jimson (01-26-2020), red-x (01-25-2020)




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