From Ruby’s Go-Pro

We meet our heroine, in full banana-lime glory, in a dark and dank back alley, that, in spite of its darkness and dankness, is surprisingly well lit! Almost as if we’re in a… *gasp* studio! Of course we’re not, because that would totally break the immersion, so let’s just say that the City Council misplaced a few very bright overhead spotlights that conveniently give us a clear view of the scene in front of us.

Five people are lined up against a wall, bound and gagged, with on the very left, a cute golden retriever whose leash is attached to the wrist of the guy next to it. In front of them, Ruby is slowly pacing, cracking a small whip in the palm of her hand.

Ruby: “Well, well, well!”

She stopped as she reached the left end, looking at the guy and the dog (presumably) belonging to him)

Ruby: “What do we have here!? Five villains, thinking they can run rampant in this town without the watchful eye of the Super Dear’o to stop them dead in their tracks!”

The people are shivering and shaking, wondering what on Earth they’d done to deserve this. Luckily for them, and the audience, Ruby was all about filling people in. She slowly started to walk from left to right again, calling out the names of the crimes as she passed them by.

Ruby: “Perp flippin’ One! Allowing your cute doggo to poop on the sidewalk, and not even have the decency to pick it up! What if someone had stepped in it, my guy? Have you ever had to scrape excrement off the bottom of your boot? It’s not fun, I can assure you!

Perp flippin’ two! Crossed the road without looking! What if a distracted driver had run you over? You’ve endangered yourself and someone else, possibly giving them a trauma for life because you were too lazy to look both ways!

Perp flippin’ three! LOLLYGAGGIN’! If there is ONE thing I can’t stand it’s LOLLYGAGGIN’! And unnecessary use of profanity, which brings me toooooo…

Perp flippin’ four! Wearing a Noah Jackson t-shirt! Way to set an example! Do you just want society to devolve into a useless primordial soup of silly catchphrases? No wonder guys like…

Perp flippin’ five! … think they can get away with listening to illegally downloaded music! Would YOU like it if others profited off your hard work?"

Ruby stopped as she reached the far end and sighed.

Ruby: “Now what the flippin’ flip am I going to do with the lot of you? I mean, I’d be so very appreciative if you petty criminals didn’t make my life even harder, you know? I have a very tough day job! I mean, I’m not complaining or anything. I chose that life. I chose THIS life as well. Only fools blame others for situations they put themselves in. But not everybody is hell-bent on doing the right thing.
See, I do this wrestling thing if you haven’t heard of me… The guy in the profane shirt probably knows. In fact, by now I fully expect you to make an appearance in one of ‘his’ own promotional video’s because it’s clear ‘he’ relies on me for 83% of his idea’s. So, I’m sorry? Anyway, recently I beat my nemesis. Twice. Won the title, and I’m officially at the top of the card. But now, I have to defend my title against a guy who… Well, I’m not that sure about. He’s a bit of this, a bit of that. I teamed with him at the Lethal Lottery and we won. Then we faced off in another match and I won… But let’s not be boring as flip and rattle off past accomplishments. In fact, let me address the guy directly."

She took the GoPro from her shoulder and aimed it at her masked face.

Ruby: “Mastermind, my guy, here we are again, eh? We bumped fists and butted heads in the Lethal Lottery. But now you’re coming for my most prized possession, one I fought tooth and nail for, putting down the most feared competitor on Anarchy and, in my opinion, lock for rookie of the year. So while we got along well enough up until now, don't try and pull a hood over my eyes with some kind of good guy act, Mastermind. I know you will not hesitate to take my golden baby and beat me half to death in order to do it. And while you will give it your best shot, I don’t doubt, here's a bit of a spoiler alert: this title is staying right where it is. I didn’t face hell and proverbial brimstone just to lose my title in a mid-cycle title match. That’d be embarrassing! So bring all you got, my guy. I can take it. And I’ll gladly escort you back to the end of the line after we’re done.”

Ruby winked and looked back at the five perps.

Ruby: “Now, during the meanwhile in the mean time I’ve decided what to do with my flippies here!”

Ruby took a knife… and aimed it at the nearest person.

Before proceeding to cut their binds. They looked slightly flabbergasted as she did, but couldn’t express their amazement as the gags remained. Ruby retrieved a bag OUT OF NOWHERE (promo magic!) and pressed a wrapped gift in their hands before slapping them on the bum.

Ruby: “Y’all are lucky it’s almost Christmas time! So I’ve decided to send you away with a gift and stern telling off!”

She wagged her finger as the perps ran off, clutching their Christmas gift.

Ruby: “Now DON’T do it again!!”

Satisfied, Ruby looked into her GoPro one last time and nodded. That’s how you put people on the straight and narrow!