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Centurion · (12-14-2019)

(“You should get a pet!”

At this point, it isn’t even clear who originally came up with the suggestion. After several weeks overseas, Centurion has returned to the States with his friends, and they have all decided to enjoy a night out in Atlantic City. “A night out” has turned into barhopping and mingling with the locals, and suddenly, the man who was trying to keep a low profile in his hometown is out buying rounds for everyone in the city.

Needless to say, Centurion and his pals have had more than their fair share of alcohol, which means Centurion is at the point in his consciousness where everything sounds like a great idea. When he was younger, that meant stealing traffic cones and grabbing shitty burgers. Now?

It apparently means adopting a cat.

We open up inside the Cape May Cat Sanctuary. There, a clearly inebriated Centurion is standing at the front reception desk, flanked by two of his enablers – Jocelyn and Allison. Jocelyn is also drunker than hell and looks to be on the verge of falling asleep, while Allison, a bottle and a half of wine into her night, looks to be the responsible one – and by that, she is way overconfident in her current level of sobriety.

Out from the back steps an older woman. She steps behind the counter, and immediately recognizes Centurion.)

Receptionist: Oh hey, you’re Andy Cortinovis!

(Centurion gets a big grin on his face as he nods and turns to Allison and Jocelyn. He turns back to the reception with a cocky smirk and plans to respond with “damn right I am”, like the real badass he is.)

Centurion: …Bherh bleh rrrempert.

(The receptionist gets a confused look on her face as she just continues.)

Receptionist: Ooook. I’m not sure if you remember, but about ten years ago, you made a pretty big contribution to the shelter. It was right after the economic crash, and we were in some pretty dire straits. A lot of cats were saved because of you.

Centurion: Well…that is wonderful to hear.

(Centurion looks to stumble just a bit, but Allison immediately steps beside him and holds him up. She gets a huge smile on her face as she decides to take over the talking.)

Allison: Andy takes great pride in all of his contributions. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but he’s back in town now, and he would like a furry companion of his own to keep him company on those cold winter nights when he can’t find a lady to lay next to him.

(Centurion slowly turns his head toward Allison and gives her the death eyes, but the receptionist just keeps going without interruption.)

Receptionist: That’s great! We have plenty of furry friends looking for a home. Follow me!

(The receptionist gestures toward the group and walks to a door. Allison goes to follow her, but Centurion immediately grabs her by the shoulder and whispers in her ear.)

Centurion: Don’t fall asleep.

(Centurion and Allison follow the receptionist, leaving a very drunken Jocelyn standing in the lobby room. She looks around and stumbles a bit before finding a chair sitting against the wall. She walks over and plops down in it, and immediately begins to snore.

The three walk into a back room where several cages are lining the walls. The cages all have cats in them – one in each cage – many of whom are kittens. There are two other workers in the room looking over some of the cats, and a windowed back room where potential adopters can play with the cats.)

Receptionist: Most of our cats were either trapped or surrendered. We take the pressure off the local animal shelters, who get inodiated with pets every day. Some of our cats are really young, and some are on the older side. Take a look and let me know what you’re thinking.

(Centurion and Allison walk their way around the room. The first cage they approach is that of a tiny, grey kitten.)

Allison: She’s adorable!

Centurion: I don’t have time for a kitten. They’re a lot of work. I think I need one that’s older. One that couldn’t care less about affection.

Allison: Cold and heartless, just like you?

Centurion: Runs in the family.

(The two walk away from the cage and continue to look back and forth between the cats. Centurion seems generally pretty uninterested in the high energy kittens that are prevalent throughout the room, but one cat finally catches his eye. He and Allison walk over to the cage of a black cat, who is sleepily sitting down in front of the cage door, looking up at Centurion. The receptionist walks over.)

Receptionist: That’s Athena. She’s one of our mamas. She was brought here with four kittens. They were all living on the street. We got the kittens adopted, but Mama’s been here for a little while. She’s a little shy, but can be a real sweetheart if she gets to know you.

Centurion: How old is she?

Receptionist: We think she’s 8? It’s impossible to tell for sure since we don’t know much about her backstory, but based on some tests we’ve run, we think she’s somewhere around 8 years old. So she’s not a senior, but she is one of our older gals.

(Centurion kneels down in front of the cage, causing the cat to yawn and stand up from her lazy slumber. Centurion sticks his finger in the cage, and the cat doesn’t do anything for a few seconds. Finally, she rubs up against his finger, and begins to purr.)

Centurion: What do you think? Wanna come live with me?

(The cat sits on her back legs and looks at Centurion. The two sit in silence for a few seconds, before…)

Athena: Mrow!

Centurion: We have a winner!

------Or Are We Dancer?------

What kind of bullshit is this?!

“Oh, hey Champ! Not only are we going to have to wrestle on Christmas Day, but we’re going to put you in a cell against four other opponents! Have fun!”

I get it…kind of. You’re already scheduled to run a show on Christmas Day, and the ratings are going to be a DISASTER! I mean, who the hell is going to watch Warfare on Christmas when they can get drunk and argue about politics with their distant uncle? Knowing that, the XWF has to put on some kind of show to make sure they don’t get blown away by re-runs of A Christmas Story, so they put all the titles on the line in three clusterfuck matches. Three…ehem…”random” matches.

Yeah, you’re going to have to forgive me if I don’t believe that.

Just a couple of weeks ago, Chris Chaos wins the number one contenders match for the Hart Title, and instead of facing me one on one at the next Warfare like is SUPPOSED to happen, he gets “randomly drawn” into the Hart Title chamber match, and his “guaranteed title shot” stays under his hat. So, basically, Chris Chaos gets two free shots at the Hart Title.

All this for a guy everyone supposedly hates? Someone who hasn’t been seen in months, and whose lasting memory prior to his “oh so shocking return” was being put to rest by Robert Main? This is how we do things around here?

I would have no problem facing Chris Chaos. I would have no problem with Chris Chaos being put in this match. I DO have a problem with Chris Chaos being put in this match, then getting another shot almost immediately afterwards. What’s the point? I can – and, spoiler alert, will – humiliate the shit out of him in that cage, and he still gets a one on one opportunity.

Oh well. That’s not my problem, honestly. It’s Chaos’. He’s the one who wants to build himself up like he’s some kind of legend. He’s the one who thinks everyone should worship the ground he walks on. It’s going to be real tough for him to get that kind of respect if he gets completely destroyed two weeks in a row. At least, if he took his time and built himself back up, he could regain whatever luster he had pre-Robert Main. Now, at this rate, he will be opening the next pay per view against Peter Gilmore in a Nokia N-Gage On A Pole Match.

I will say, though, that I was excited when I saw Chris Chaos won that match at the pay per view. I am excited as the prospect of facing him for the title. Not because I think this is going to be some “great match” that will tear the house down. It may or it may not – I honestly don’t care either way. No, I was excited because I couldn’t wait to hear the bullshit Chaos was going to spout off in the lead up to our match. I’ve been around for a long time. I have heard all kinds of crap coming out of the mouths of people who think they’re the next great wrestler, but nothing – NOTHING- beats what I heard come from Chris Chaos in the leadup to his match at Lethal Lottery.

Quote: There are no more legends left on this roster, other than Soldier.

Really, mother fucker? Really? Let’s go over a few facts. First of all, Soldier was highly over rated. He won his Universal Title by cashing in on Robert Main when Main was down and out, and he held on to the belt by beating “The Drizzling Shits” Drezdin and a Chris Page who is five years past his prime. The moment Soldier stepped into the ring with someone who in the top tier of this company, he completely flopped. He was systemically destroyed by Lux, and now he’s off with Cyren in some sex dungeon somewhere. That’s number one.

Number two, a couple of good years does not make a legend. Congratulations, you won the Universal Title in the most chaotic time in XWF history. That puts you on par with Scully. To say you’re somehow the “only legend left” is absolutely laughable. I’m not even talking about me, either – I understand you haven’t watched any wrestling prior to 2016, so I’m not really upset with the snub. What I am upset about is you not only appointing YOURSELF a legend, but diminishing the accomplishments of everyone else in the XWF. Lux isn’t a legend? Why? Because she’s “too new”? Sarah Lacklan, who has one of the best win-loss records in the XWF, isn’t a legend? Is it because these folks didn’t fight in the Shane

era? And let’s just breeze over Fuzz, shall we? Someone who has won an XWF Title in three different decades?

See, this is the madness of the Shane

Era that I’ve been trying to eliminate. All these flash in the pans think they’re on some all time great list just because they wrestled in an era where there were no rules and people could do whatever they wanted. They see everyone who came before them as washed up relics from a bygone era, and everyone that comes after them as some fresh faced newbies who didn’t have to work as hard as they did. They’re the Boomers of the wrestling industry – whining about entitled millennials while having no self-awareness of respect for those that made it so easy for them to success.

By the way, that makes Fuzz and I “The Greatest Generation”. We had to kill the Nazis on the shores of Normandy. So watch your ass, Madison Dyson.

I don’t want to spend this much time talking about Chris Chaos…but I can’t help it. Despite all the flaws in his wrestling and his overall shit personality, he’s still the second best wrestler in this match. If anyone is going to take this title off of me – and they won’t – it’s going to be him. Who else has a shot? Barney Green? You’ve got to be kidding me with that one. While I do have a sliver of respect for the guy, it has been proven time and again that he neither was and never will be in my league. His career highlight is having a “good match” against me. He talks about it all the time. A random match in 2012 when I beat Barney but he was still able to put up a decent fight. That’s how sad it is.

Of course, no one is taking Barney Green seriously, and they probably shouldn’t. I would say he will be the first one out, but I’ll actually give him slightly more credit than that. There’s one other person in this match who I think will be worse than Barney, but we’ll get to that in a little bit.

First, I just want everyone to pause for a second, and think of this. We’re coming to the end of 2019. A new decade is almost upon us. We have surpassed 20 years of XWF in this industry. And still, somehow, Barney Green is getting title shots. Isn’t that amazing? Even after all the beatings, even after all the ridicule, he still somehow finds himself getting opportunities for titles. Hell, the dude lost an eye, and his knees are in worse shape than FDR’s, and yet he could still, theoretically, walk out of Warfare on Christmas Night as Hart Champion.

I say “theoretically” because…I mean, come on.

Still, Barney Green will make it at least five minutes into the match. You know who won’t? Michael Archer. Oh wait, sorry…Michael Archer JUNIOR. Did I ever wrestle Michael Archer Senior? I’m sure were peers of some sort.

Congratulations, Michael. You’re living the dream. You sent in your application to the XWF, you told them you were ready to wrestle on Christmas, and because they decided to do this stupid ass chamber gimmick, you find yourself in a title match in your very first match in the XWF…

…I assume. If you did wrestle here before, you certainly didn’t leave much of an impression.

This is why this is such a dumb idea. Michael Archer Junior getting a Hart Title shot? Jim Jimson getting an X-Treme Title shot? Mother fucking MASTERMIND getting a Universal Title shot?! None of these assholes earned this shot, but because they needed names to throw into a hat, they were guaranteed a title match. Hell, Hobo Saul who panhandles outside the arena could have told Vinnie that he was ready to wrestle, and he would be getting a title shot, as well.

That’s a huge problem with the XWF right now – it’s top heavy. There’s only a handful of actually good challengers, and they are spread among several different titles. The top four wrestlers in the federation happen to be the four champions, so we were never going to be able to face each other in these matches. Robert Main is back, but he decided to sit this one out. Ruby, Lacklan, Vita Valenteen – they all decided to stay home for Christmas, so all we have left are a couple of delusional former champions who still think they’re awesome, and a bunch of wrestlers who would never get a title shot in any other circumstances.

Michal Archer will be the first one out. In fact, he may not even make it long enough for me to get my hands on him. This is not a great spot for a learning experience. To not only be thrown into the ring with the Hart Champion, but to be one of the starters in a chamber match is a pretty rough situation to be in for your first match.

Best of luck to you moving forward, kid. I know you’re coming in here with stars in your eyes and gold on your mind, but this is not going to be your week. Maybe you’ll be good. Hell, maybe you’ll end up being spectacular. But years from now, when you look back on your list of accomplishments, “Christmas 2019” won’t be something you’re going to want to put on that highlight reel.

And finally, we have… Robbie Bourbon. The wildcard. The most hot and cold wrestler on the roster. What do I mean by that? Well, quite simply, there are times when Bourbon looks like a legit contender…and then there are times when he absolutely sucks. Of course, don’t tell Robbie that. As far as he’s concerned, he’s 100% on top of things 100% of the time.

Robbie Bourbon is another one of those Shane

Era guys who thinks the entire history of the XWF begins and ends with that small stretch of time. Actually, I give Robbie a little more credit than I gave Chaos – his success is at least a little more recent than Chaos. He had to win the Universal Title while James Raven was still an active competitor, and while some of the current top stars were making their way into the federation. He’s kept himself relevant over the course of the past year. He’s a cocky son of a bitch, but he’s not out there claiming to be the “only legend in the XWF”. No, Robbie Bourbon is…harmless.

Sure, he’s going to be like a little chihuahua on a leash. He’s going to bark and growl say all kinds of profanities, but in the end, he’s just going to be there. He’s going to do some stuff.. And he will leave the cage after a completely forgettable performance. He’ll outperform Archer and Green. He’ll be around long enough to see me in action. But his night is going to end the same as everyone elses.

I don’t know if you all have noticed, but Robbie Bourbon is a little…stoutly. He’s got some extra baggage, you could say…

…he’s fat!

And this isn’t to shame the man – do what you want to do, I honestly don’t care. Eat that cake and be happy. But he has to start this match. If he wants to win, he’s going to have to go the distance. And while I have no doubt he will roll over Michael Archer and Barney Green, it gets a little tough when he meets a fresh Chris Chaos, and an even fresher Centurion. Dude’s going to fall into cardiac arrest with all the work he’s going to have to put in. Am I to believe he can somehow overcome all those odds to win the Hart Title? No one can possibly think that.

The one positive of this match, and the fact that Chaos and Bourbon are in it, is that I get the opportunity to put another nail in the coffin of the Shane

Era. I get to, once again, humble some folks who think they are God’s gift to professional wrestling.

I have a new quest. That quest is to be the greatest Hart Champion of all time. Lofty goal, I know, but I can do it, and matches like these help secure that legacy. Two opponents? Four? Ten? I’ll take on all commers, anywhere and anytime. And if that means I have to go through a couple of paper bags and some wrestlers who aren’t as good as they think they are, then fine by me. Moving forward, though, can I get title defenses against actual…you know…contenders? I’m just getting tired of having to get up and get excited to face a bunch of people who haven’t earned the right to carry my water. I know there’s plenty of wrestlers out there who deserve the opportunity to face me. Where’s Vita Valenteen? Why is she suddenly so quiet? Why isn’t she stepping up to be my next competitor? Why do I have to fight these folks who are dryer than toast?

This Christmas, there are going to be four competitors walking out of Warfare with lumps of coal, as they all meet their…

LAST NOEL!

…yeah, it’s lame, I agree. I’ll come up with something better next time.

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