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a-MAZE-ing
Author Message
B.O.B. D Offline
Active in XWF



XWF FanBase:
Mixed

(loved by some; hated by some; dips between clean/dirty)


#1
10-30-2019, 05:28 PM

It had been years since I last went to a haunted corn maze. They were no different from a haunted house, except they had that little Iowa touch to them. Imagine being chased by a guy with a chainsaw(who you THOUGHT was a scarecrow until he made you shit your pants); lost in an endless sea of corn husks, with no sign of civilization for miles. Haunted houses are child's play compared to the surrealism of wondering if some psycho pretending to be an actor ACTUALLY has a chain on his saw. If they did, your murder would conveniently blend in with the rest of the festivities and no-one would know until it was too late. Now THAT'S scary! However, as I made my way through my own haunted corn maze, I was met with much more frightening sights.

As I crept through Iowa's finest crops, I was prepared to face my biggest fears. My heart raced from the anxiety of not knowing what may be lurking around the next corner. Would it be an axe murderer, or something much worse?

"Cunt............ cunt............. cunt............. cunt................."

An ominous voice filled the crisp, country air with Noah Jackson's favorite word, each time trailing off near the end. I couldn't tell which direction it was coming from, hindering my ability to choose the correct path. I'd take a left, before juking with a hard right to throw off the mysterious stalker.

"I think I lost him," I gasped as I ran for my life, unsure whether I was running away or towards my demise.

And then I got my answer.

Out from behind the towering ears of corn stepped my predator: a walking, talking cunt!!!! The thing stepped towards me, its 'mouth' uttering the c-word as if it was Noah himself.

"Cunt....... cunt........ CUNT!!!!!!!"

The creature charged at me, but I was ready. It tried to absorb me through its open lips, but I was having NONE of that! I used all of my strength to pry myself free enough to slip behind the beast and hoist it up.

"Who's the cunt now???" I boomed before hitting the Dan Slam. I had put the pussy to sleep, so to speak, but I wasn't out of the woods yet.

Before I could even take two steps, I heard a rustling from the wall of corn in front of me. The stalks shook from a few rows back, slowly making their way towards me. I wanted to run, but a real man faces his fears head on! Finally, the corn in front of me parted like the Red Sea and a different creature approached me. This one looked like a cross between Megamind and Dr. Frankenstein. A giant brain grew from inside his ugly head, and he had an obvious hobble in his step, possibly a bad knee or somethin'.

"I'm gonna Master Your Mind!!!" the thing barked, limping in my direction. I then saw something even sicker than this twisted being............In his left hand was a chain, and at the end of it scurried a Maori boy, almost as if he were some sort of sex slave.

I'd been down this road before, and I wasn't about to turn around now. This beast had fallen at my hands once before, and it was bound to fall again. It was all too obvious the massive brain was to compensate for something the creature lacked, and seeing as how they call me Big D, I was more confident than ever. Just like I had with the giant cunt before him, I creeper behind the big brained monster and nailed it with a Dan Slam. As it's body smashed against the ground, its left hand opened up allowing the boy it held hostage to run free. I really hoped, for his sake, he had a better idea of how to escape than I did.

"Looks like I'VE mastered YOUR mind!!!!" my voice echoed through the night sky.

After dispatching of the second creature, I searched for a way out but it seemed as if this maze was never gonna end. I couldn't tell one ear of corn from the next, making it impossible to know whether I'd been in that spot before or not. Left was right, up was down; I had no clue whether I was making any progress or just going in circles.

After a lucky turn, I could finally see the light at the end of the corn maze tunnel. I didn't know how I got there, regardless, I was relieved to be a mere 50 yards away from safety. Before I could take another step, though, a third and final creature stepped out of the corn. This one looked like some sort of female scarecrow. She didn't move forward, but rather stood directly in my path. If I was gonna escape this hell, I was gonna have to go through her.

"Blah, blah, blah, blah........"

The scarecrow was chattering some sort of nonsense, as it's mouth began to open WIDE revealing a horrifying sight: another mouth with razor sharp teeth inside of the first one. This thing was frightening, moreso than the previous monsters, but not as much as the prospect of never escaping. Showing no sign of fear, I pressed forward for the ultimate showdown. The creature reached forward, but I managed to duck it's arms and slip behind it. I hoisted the thing up high above my head and slammed it into the ground, face first, shattering it's teeth and shutting it the fuck up!

As I successfully exited the maze, I thought about my match Thursday night. People will consider it an upset when I slay my three opponents, but after Anarchy, it'll no longer be considered an upset for Big D to win. TV Champion, future Lethal Lottery winner, better get used to seeing me with my hand raised in victory. And that ain't no story, it's the Cold Big D Truth!!!!!

June 2019 XWF Superstar of the Month
2019 Relentless Fishing Contest Winner
1x XWF World Heavyweight Champion
1x bWo World Heavyweight Champion [despite what Miss Furry or James J. Dildo says]
1x NWF World Heavyweight Champion
2x XWF Xtreme Champion [current]
2x XWF TV Champion
1x XWF Internet Champion
1x NWF World Tag Team Champion (w/Slim)
1x NWF Xtreme Champion
1x NLCW Slamfest Champion
1x LCW Hardcore Champion
3x WWF X-Division Champion
1x WWF World Tag Team Champion (w/Seth Flash)
1x WWF Dark Champion
1x WWF TV Champion
1x EGW Fury Champion
3x XWF Federweight Champion
4x XWF Heavymetalweight Champion
1x 420* Cruiserweight Champion
2x CMW Hardcore Champion
1x XHW T.V. Champion
1x WXC Hardcore Champion
1x XPW U.S. Champion
1x WLFC Tag Team Champion w/Chance
1x WWC T.V. Champion
1x WWC European Champion
1x WWF 24/7Hardcore Champion
2x WLFC 24/7 Hardcore Champion


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