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Boris · (09-28-2019)

Hello! This is Boris, and for most of you, this is the first time you are seeing me. And for that I say, "welcome!" Come, let Boris show you the way of the Slav.

Today, I am going to tell you the story of when I found out I would be a wrestler. Not long my military service ended, I was in desperate need of some cash. Come to find out, there are not many jobs available for an uneducated Gopnik like myself. So my Antoli and I have been mainly earning money by selling electronics to college students. I also cook for friends, who pay me in vodka and beer. It's not so bad.

I do know, though, that a Slav needs more than just Butterbrod and Kvass to survive, so Boris applied for many things. Male model, television host, assassin - all things Boris would be great at!

One day, Antoli and I were taking part in our usual routine - cooking usual meal of Chebureki while listening to the finest hardbass on the planet.

Sometime in late afternoon, postman show up at our door. I could not say what time, because that debil shows up whenever he feels like it! Worse yet, instead of knocking on doors or dropping it in box, he just shoves our mail under the door. Why in the blyat does he do such things? Does the sound of hardbass scare him? Well, if that is true, then he is not Slav, and I do not wish to receive my mail from Western spy!

I leave Antoli to the cooking as I inspect the mail. The first few letters are nothing new - more bills sent to Vadim. I do not know who Vadim is, but post office has been sending us his mail for some time now. When they turn off his electricity, he will be so mad blin!

The next letter is letter from friend Sergi from Poland. He send me 20 zloty, as he continues to beg for me to visit. It is annoying blin, and 20 zlolty is only about 5 Euro, but sometimes he send me good mayonez, so I do not mind.

But the last letter blin, that is the good one. It is from States of United America, which I have never been, so I knew this had to be good. I open the letter, and inside is contract for Xtreme Federation Wrestlers, as well as a match card for Relentless!

"Oppa!" I yell to Antoli. "I am going to be pro wrestler!" Antoli squats, nods his head, and begins to dance.

I should mention, Antoli does not talk. He is debil, or, as you would say...an idiot. He is good man, but would not know how to open door without instructions. I once tried to teach Antoli how to drive...blyat, what an experience. That family still hasn't forgiven us for driving into their goat. I tell them, "is just goat, you get new one!" but they do not listen blin. Something about cleaning their driveway of blood. Cyka, it is no big deal!

Anyway, Antoli and I do what any good Slav would do when they hear such news - we dance a glorious dance and begin drinking vodka! We did not even care about the Chebureki...but we were sure to turn the stove off, for you do not want to waste good Chebureki, or else Babushka would be so mad blin!

After consuming copious amounts of vodka and dancing until we could no longer feel our legs, it was to pack. I get to work, packing all the things I usually pack for long trip to other country - three jars of Babushka's jam, toothbrush, extra ushanka, two yellow Adidas jumpsuites, three jars of mayonez...because you never know how the mayonez will be where you are going, and of course, Boris' lucky Kalashnikov. Oppa!

I shove all my items into my gym bag, but then I came to a realization - I do not have passport blin.

"Osama blyat!" I yell. If it weren't for that debil crashing planes into towers, I could stow myself in a passenger plane without worrying of being shot. Now everyone in States of United America are all tense, screaming of "terrorism" this and "immigrant" that. This is why Slavs do not trust Western spies - because Western spies do not trust each other!

"Ah ha!" I remember something. I have friend who own boat. Agneshka, the ugly village lady who had two husbands disappear, got a barge from a stranger in Russia, even though Slovakia is, as you would say...landlocked. But, Agneshka has ex husbands truck, so we can drive barge to Finland, and set sails blin.

This is all likely a terrible idea, so if you hear story of Gopnik being found in middle of ocean, you know that Western spies sunk our boat.

I can not lie, Boris is excited for this opportunity. This is a new day in the life of Boris, and a chance for a new start to my life.

As for my opponents, I do not know what to say about them, for I do not know anything about them. I know one guy, Brain, fashions himself a movie star. That makes no sense blin. If he is movie star, why is he wrestling? Maybe he is in those bootleg VHS tapes Antoli sells out of the van.

Maybe Brain wishes he were actor. Babushka used to say "Buďte tým, kým nechcete, kým ste." In your country, it would mean "dress for the job you want, not the job you have." That is why I dress like Gopnik hard at work at Reactor 4. This is why Brain dressed like movie star. This is why Peter Gilmour dresses like prostitute.

It is funny, Brain is one of my opponents for the wrestling contest I will be in the following week. One has to ask, was this on purpose? What kind of debil designs that? This is another way to embarrass Boris. I know better than to fall for that blyat! Boris will win using only 4 moves, so as to not see everything I have at my disposal.

And then there is Peter Gilmour. I have heard much about him blyat. None of it good. My many comrades who watch wrestling say Gilmour is worst wrestler ever. Is that true? I do not know, but he looks as if he smells like old onion stuck to underside of car.

That said, I know, if I want to make good first impression, I can not lose to Peter Gilmour. That would be bad blin. If Boris wants to be taken seriously in Xtreme Federation Wrestlers, I must get off to good start. I just not only beat Brain and Gilmour, but I must do so like true Slav. I must squat like I have never squat before.

Boris is looking forward to sharing the secrets of the Slav to the world. I am looking forward to delivering the Cheeki Breeki to the masses. And I look forward to humbling a few debils on my way to glorious Slav victory.

Never fear...Boris is here.

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