Attention fans. I am standing out here in front of Shane 's house dressed in gold.


I may have caught my feathers on some thorns from when I was moving through the bushes. But Shane does have a tall, handsome gold man wandering through his garden still. 6' 4" to be exact. Shane likes his workers to be big, if you catch my drift.

Shane told me if I covered the biggest news story that I would be granted a weapon of my choice on Saturday. As you can probably guess, my penis immediately hardened at the thought of being able to carry a weapon to the ring. Just imagine a little soldier covered in gold standing at attention when Shane announced that stipulation.

My goal this week is to cover the biggest story of all time. And what better story to cover than a contract signing that no one knows anything about? I promise it will be epic.

My weapon choice? I'm not sure. Perhaps I'll make The Grand Wizard feel at home by introducing some whips and chains into the match. I'm not gonna lie baby, both of those are just items I would consider "a couple of toys" out of my gold toy box. Not so much "weapons." But I suppose most would see that differently.

Well, I think I just heard Shane from inside say that he needed to take a piss. Perhaps I'll have myself a little looksy through his bathroom window while I touch myself. Catch you later, fans.