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When In Russia
Author Message
Drew Archyle Offline
Apex's Weakest Link duh



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#1
05-24-2019, 09:57 AM

You like what I've done with the place Dick? Drew asks as he leads Robert Main through the dimly lit hallway.

Why do you keep calling me Dick? The Universal Champion asks.

Because that's your name Silly. Dick Main. XWF Universal Champion and the brother of the girl I am currently...

You will never finish that sentence if you know what is good for you. Main shouts as he shoves Drew in the back while the two continue down the long and dark hallway. Only just enough light coming in to show their silhouettes and nothing more. And my name is not Dick. It was never Dick.

So you didn't change your name to Dick? Or Richard or Ricky Bobby? That's so weird. I've heard Chronic Chris Page call you Dick unironically in both of his promos so I figured you must have legally changed your name and forgot to tell me. Guess I was wrong. Note to all the kids out there watching this...Don't Do Drugs. Which reminds me...





The following promotional video has been paid for by:










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Where are we?

A little place I found on the edge of town. What do you think? Drew asks as the two enter a large dark room. The only thing visible in the room thanks to a large beam of light shining through a hole in the ceiling is a circular table with two chairs situated around it. Have a seat Bob we're going to play a little game.

Robert Main and Drew Archyle each take a seat at the table. Drew reaches down into a small black duffel bag and pulls out a very beaten up brown paper bag. A loud thud is heard as the bag is slammed onto the table.

Drew reaches into the bag and pulls out a small silver revolver with a black rubber grip.


What the hell are you doing Drew? A surprised Robert Main says as he quickly pushes his chair back from the table and gets up, both hands still resting on top of the table.

Like I said Robert we are going to play a little game called Russian Roulette. I'm sure you've heard of it before.

What the fuck is wrong with you man? Put the gun away. Did you bump your head again?

Why so serious Robert? You know what they say...When In Russia... Drew remarks as he spins the gun around his pointer finger.

Literally no one says that.

Calm down Bob. I even made is drinks to help calm the nerves. Drew says as he again reaches down into the bag and pulls out two hand sized glasses each filled with a whitish liquid and ice. Drew places one of the drinks in front of himself and the other in front of Bob.

White Russians?

The dude abides. Mine's a Virgin White Russian though.

What the fuck is a Virgin White Russian?

Half half milk, half almond chocolate milk, a shot of caramel macchiato, 3 splashes of angostura Bitters.

That sounds revolting.

It's delicious. Now have a seat.

Not until you put the gun away.

Oh for heaven sake's Bob it's not even loaded see.


Click

Click

Click

POP!!!

The sound of the gun firing startles both men which Drew actually falling backwards out of his seat while Robert instinctively ducks for cover.


Jesus Christ Drew. Are you serious?

That's so weird. I told the guy in the alley I wanted a revolver. I thought the bullets came extra.

You bought a loaded gun from some guy in an alley? What is wrong with you?

So many things Bob. I guess something got lost in translation. Anyway Robert there is a lesson to be learned here.

That you'r fucking insane?

Not me Bob. The Russians. But no silly, the larger point was about respect. Respect for one's opponents and for what they bring to the table. You see Bob I didn't respect this gun here and it almost cost me my life, or potentially yours. Our opponents have thus far shown us no respect. Hell the "leader" of their team can't even be bothered to get something as simple as your name right. What is that? But beyond that none of these guys are showing any respect for the history of Apex. And how do I know that? Because two of them went down the same tired path of calling me the groups weakest link, one of them even went so far as to call me the fall guy. Imagine that, calling a guy who has literally never taken a pin fall in his wrestling career the fall guy. But seriously...the weakest link.

How absolutely ignorant does anyone, let alone multiple people have to be to come at me with that basic argument? I guess neither of them happened to dig back far enough into my promo archives to see the promo I did last year where I debunked this same argument when the Pure Breed Killers tried to make it then. At least then it was original. Now it's just boring and lame. Imagine that, these two fools both of which have made jokes at Peter Gilmour's expense are actually TRYING ot make the very same argument he did. I just want to let that sink in for a minute....

















They tried to call me weak thinking that it would somehow offend me and get under my skin but the truth is I loved it. LOVED it. In fact I loved it so much that a year ago I asked for keyboard monkeys at the XWF to add "weakest link" to my website profile page just so everyone knew that it was true, that I am in fact Apex's weakest link. See...





[Image: sfDdPZv.png?2]






There it sits, on my profile page like it has for over a year. You would think that one of these guys, just one would have stumbled upon this even by accident and then helped their teammates out by telling them that maybe this isn't the route they want to go down with me. But nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Page is too busy rolling blunts and Fuzz is too busy telling us that he doesn't care about his teammates to properly research his opponents so I guess I'll have to do the leg work for tweedle dee and tweedle dumb.

I honestly hate myself for this but ignorance ignored is the death of truth and I'm all about the truth.

So here goes...

My name is Drew Archyle and I am in fact the weakest link of Apex and now, the weakest link of Apex Prophecy. My resume is definitely not as impressive as my teammates and likely never will be. Not because I'm a terrible wrestler who can't win matches but because I don't care. Personal fame has never been what motivated me. I've won some titles sure but that was never my goal. So when a guy huffs their chest and talks about how they are the alpha male and dismisses me and overlooks me because I've never shown those traits it makes me laugh. I am the worst among a group of the best which still makes me better than most.

Why would someone ever willingly accept that they are "the weakest link?" Simple, because being overlooked allows me to fly under the radar, it allows me to do what I do without having the bulls eye on my back. It allows me to systematically take everything down with no one the wiser. I guess you could say that makes me a hyena? Right Fuzz? That was the analogy you used to describe yourself wasn't it? I know you don't care about your team mates, you made that abundantly clear already but it might be worth talking to your "Captain" about how in his effort to dismiss me he basically took a giant dump all over your head as well. From one hyena to another, you might want to look into that.

So let me be very clear here. I don't need to "accept" my place as the teams weakest link because I have long since embraced that role. And believe it or not, I am very fucking good at it. So you are all welcome to continue dismissing me, overlooking me and focusing on the rest of the group but don't you dare act surprised when I steam role each and every single one of you before I take my victory lap like I have every single time I've ever stepped into the ring. Because at War Games the weakest link is the one that is going to break you.


So about that gun?

Seriously Bob after all that that's your response? Here take the damn thing. I don't even like guns.

Then why didn't you try making your point without using one? A loaded one at that?

Look Bob the time for asking me why I do the things I do was about 30 years ago. That ship has sailed right off the edge of the Earth my friend.

Edge of the Earth? You're fucking with me right? You're not seriously a flat Earther are you? I've tolerated a lot from you Drew but I draw the line at flat Earther's.

As a matter of fact I am Bob.

A flat Earther?

No. The other thing.

Fucking with me.

Bingo.

HEY! Vat are you two doing in here? An angry man shouts in a thick accent.


The lights of the room come on to reveal that Drew and Robert are now standing in the middle of what appears to be a meat processing factory. Standing about 50 yards from them are 6 angry looking Russian men all of which are brandishing various firearms.


What the fuck? I thought you said we were going to an abandoned building. This place looks anything but abandoned.

Well it was abandoned at the time. Now it's not. Come on Bob we gotta get outta here, Ivan looks pissed.

Whose Ivan?

One of them...probably.


Suddenly the group of men raise their weapons and start firing in the direction of Robert and Drew. Out of instinct Robert turns the pistol on the men and starts firing back. But of course we all know how that goes.


CLICK


CLICK


CLICK


Ahhh fuck. Robert yells in frustration as he tosses the pistol to the ground.

Bet you wish the gun was loaded now.


Drew grabs Robert by the shoulder and pulls him through a set of metal doors as the camera fades out.



WILL OUR HEROES ESCAPE THE ANGRY GROUP OF RUSSIANS??????















































No. No they will not.










Look Bob I don't know how many more times I can say I'm sorry ok? I'm sorry. I didn't realize that the abandoned factory wasn't actually abandoned. It was a slight miscalculation on my part. You know I'm not good at math. Remember that hot math tutor I had in high school?

That was my mother!

Yeah and she was hot.


Main backhands Drew across the face as the scene fades in to reveal our two heroes seated in two metal chairs side by side. Both of them with their hands handcuffed behind them and through the metal bars on the back of the chairs. Their feet are also not only cuffed to the chairs but to each other making it virtually impossible for the two of them to escape.


Rude.

You deserved that. For this, and for so many other things. Why do I keep letting you talk me into doing things that are obviously a bad idea? It's like I can't help myself.

I think the kids refer to that as love Bob. You love me. We're besties. Have been since before we could even walk.

I could walk. You were developmentally delayed.

That's not really the point now is it? Look we're gonna get out of here so just play it cool and let me do the talking ok?

Right because that can't possibly go wrong.


As Robert lowers his head in defeat a door swings open behind them and out steps "Ivan" flanked by two other men. The trio slowly walk over towards Main and Drew. "Ivan" says something to one of the men next to him before the three men take up a standing position in front of Drew and Robert.


So tell me again how you two American Мудак's ended up in my factory?

I told you man, it was an accident. My friend over here had nothing to do with it. He was just being a good friend. Let him go and you can do whatever you want with me. But please, be gentle.

Or I could just kill you both and no one vould be the viser.

Yeah you could do that but then you'd have an international incident on your hands.

Vat?

What? Main says as he head perks up for the first time in five minutes.

I'm guessing you have no idea who we are, that's ok, not a big deal but see here's the thing, we are wrestlers for a company called the XWF. We are part of their main event. I'm sure you know what wrestling is. Well see our President Donald Trump, he's a huge wrestling fan. He actually spent sometime working for the XWF before he became President. So I am pretty sure that if you and your friends wasted us our President wouldn't be very happy. Which would mean your President wouldn't be very happy because they are apparently bff's.

And vat makes you think anyone would ever find out that it vas us who did this to you?

Come on man, I'm not the smartest guy in the world but do you really think Big Daddy Vlad, former super spy for the KGB couldn't figure it out and then you and everyone you ever cared about would disappear. Is that really what you want? For your entire family to be killed because two stupid American's accidentally wondered into some beef factory?


One of the men whose face has been much less stoic throughout this process leans his head over and whispers something into "Ivan's" ear. "Ivan" whispers something snappy back at the man but the other man persists, this time aided by the third man. The end result of which is the three Russian men taking a few steps back from Drew and Robert so that they aren't overheard.


What do you think they are saying?

I think they are trying to figure out where they want to order lunch from.

Really?

How the hell should I know Bob? I don't speak Russian. But I think I clearly made an impression on at least one of them.

Let's hope so. I really don't want to die in Russia.

I don't know Bob it's kinda romantic in a way. You and me going out together in a foreign land.

What? It's not romantic at all. It's ridiculous. If we survive this I really need to rethink my life.

Be honest with yourself Bob. You love this life. You love the chaos. If it weren't for me your life would be so boring. Gym, sleeping and wrestling. All day, everyday. That's not living. That's being a slave to routine.


The trio of angry Russians return to Drew and Robert again allowing "Ivan" to be their spokesperson.


"Ve vill let you go. But if ve ever see you here again you vill not be so lucky."


"Ivan's" helpers start the process of freeing their captives while "Ivan" continues to stare Drew and Robert down. A few minutes later the two men are freed and standing only a few feet away from their captors.


You made the right decision. And I promise you will never see our faces every again...probably.

My men vill escort you out and if see you again I promise my gun vill be loaded.


"Ivan" retreats to an office while his helpers do as they are told and escort Robert and Drew out of the factory and onto the busy streets of Moscow.


See I told you Bob it would all work out.

You got lucky. Plain and simple. Those guys could have just as easily killed us back there.

I don't believe in luck Bob. Besides they were never going to kill us. Scare us, maybe hold us for a few days but definitely not kill us.

How could you possibly know that? You thought we were sitting in some abandoned building not an active beef factory so pardon me if I am a little skeptical of what you "know".

Always so cynical Bob. That's why you can't find a girlfriend. Kayla told me...

Kayla told you what? What did my sister tell you? Bob shouts as he gets within a few inches of Drew's face.

Whoa!!! Drew says as he takes a few steps back from his clearly angered partner. Cease hostilities Bob. I was just breaking balls. You know, having a laugh. You know. Besides none of that matters right now. All that matters is War Games. And I gotta tell ya Bob. I like our chances.

You don't say?

Absolutely Bob. Have you even heard what these guys are saying? None of them have any focus whatsoever. Everyone. Every. Single. One. Of them is in this for themselves. Page made that clear when he asked you for a Universal Title shot. The very same guy who criticized you for giving a match to a guy like Ned Kaye wants a Universal Title match with you when he hasn't had a wrestling match in forever. MDK is trying desperately to recapture his past glory of a decade and a half ago. Who the hell even knows what Rage's agenda is besides getting his name back out there and then there is Fuzz who has literally said he doesn't give a rat's hair butt hole about this match or his teammates. As he put it "right place, right time." This is a paycheck for him. Nothing more. Nothing less. The second he realizes this match's outcome is in jeopardy he will just bounce leaving that "team" at an even bigger disadvantage than they are going in. It's really that simple Bob.

We are a team and they aren't. We are all working together with one goal in mind. Each of us with a role to play. Each of us knowing that the man next to us has our back. Those guys absolutely can't say the same. They may have all been awesome in the old days but to borrow a line from a great philosopher named Slim Charles...

[Image: yeah-now-well-the-thing-about-the-old-da...d-days.jpg]


And we aren't in the old days anymore Bob. We are in the here and now. All those guys have is their history and they know it. Like I tried to tell Fuzz on twitter but he was apparently too aggro to realize was that their history as impressive as it is means nothing today. The silly goose thought that by typing a few messages with 140 characters that he could make me angry? Angry? Come on Bob you know I only have one setting and that's nextflix and chill. Those guys can talk about how they were the bees knees and I would never try and take that away from them but despite how much they huff up their chest they know that they are fighting an uphill battle. You are the Universal Champion, the second longest reigning Universal Champion of all time. A two time Hart Champion and the longest reigning Hart Champion of all time. You are one third of the fed's tag team champions. James Raven is one of the greatest wrestlers in the history of the industry. His best days may be behind him but he is still better than 99.9% of the roster, past and present. Centurion has really come into his own these last few weeks and reminded everyone of the type of wrestler he was and will be again. And as for me, well I may not be the best to ever enter the squared circle and I don't have as impressive of a resume as the rest of you but like the great DJ Khaled is fond of saying "All I do is win win win no matter what." War Games will be no different. Now let's go get some food. I'm starved.



The scene fades to black as Drew and Robert start walking down the road looking for a place to get their grub on.


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Former:

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w/ Robert "The Omega" Main and and James Raven "Apex" Longest reigning tag team champions in XWF history at 241 days.
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February 2018 Superstar Of The Month
March 2019 RPOTM For Captain Americhyle - The First Apexvenger
Winning Team War Games 2017 w/Apex
XWF Federweight Champion
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"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane (05-24-2019), (Gravy_Xtreme_5000) (05-24-2019), James Raven (05-25-2019), Robert "The Omega" Main (05-24-2019)




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