There comes a time in every person's life when they have to come grips with that which they've been running from. We all have things buried in the basement's of our minds that we chose to ignore. Boxed up memories, impulses, or desires that we try to store away and forget. But for some of us, those things we secret away don't stay secret forever. Some things are too powerful to ignore.

Hello, my name is Big D. And for the first time ever, this is my REAL COLD BIG D TRUTH!



The shot opens on a familiar face to some. RuPaul's Drag Race mainstay Bob the Drag Queen is sitting in a recliner.



He's not dressed in drag, but still somehow accomplishes looking fabulous in a stained wife beater and ratty jeans. But today, he's looking decidedly upset. Little D, get out here right now! He barks.

Soon after, Corey, who is dressed in the same Big D muscle suit as before, but this time is wearing children's footie pajama's over the muscles, peeks his head around the corner, looking in at Bob in the living room. Yes, Dad D?

Boy, I said get out here!

Little D, head down, steps anxiously into the room and up to his father. Yes sir?

Dad D/Bob slaps down some papers on the coffee table. They seem to be pages torn out of a Sears catalog from the women's underwear section. Little D's eyes go wide with terrified recognition. Mama D found these in your room. You wanna tell me why they was in there?

Uhh....uhhhh.....

Son.... Dad D/Bob leans in menacingly. Don't you even THINK of lyin'! You want me to take off my belt?

No sir!

'Cuz I'll take it off! Now you tell me honest, was you jerkin' the gherkin' to these pictures?

Little D swallows. He closes his eyes in shame. Yes sir.

Dad D/Bob leans back, a satisfied grin in his face. Goddamn right you was! 'Cuz if I hear one more 'agin about you wanting to WEAR these panties I WILL TAKE OFF MY GODDAMN BELT!

Understood sir!

Now you take these lady pictures and punish that pud to them! Go on now, 'Git!




Actually, I was lying to Dad D. I didn't want to jerk off to pictures of ladies in their underwear, I wanted to be a lady in her underwear! I knew my father would never understand. So, some years later I decided to see if my mom would be more understanding.



This time, we see Little D/Corey nervously approach Mama D as played by Bianca Del Rio!



Mama D appears to be in a laundry room, holding a heaving laundry basket full of panties. Little D's eyes linger on it's contents for a moment before he's able to tear them away. Mama D, I got a question I wanna ask you....

Mama D/Bianca instantly blanches. She drops her laundry basket and takes a shuddering attempt at a calming breath. Oh lord, here it is! I knew this day would come sometime. Stay calm, girl! Mama D puts a comforting hand on Little D's shoulder. Okay honey, I always knew that one day you would wonder why you didn't much look like your Dad D. Well, there's a reason for that! You see, there's this thing that grown ups sometimes like to do during their private time called “cuckolding” that's usually pretty fun, but sometimes feelings that we weren't expecting to have just happen and....

What?! What are you talkin' about?! I look just like Dad D! I wanted to know when I was gonna stop feeling like I want to be a girl!

Mama D frowns.

And then, the scene cuts to Little D's belongings being tossed out a second story window onto the front lawn.


She didn't understand either, and now I was homeless! So far, life had taught me that I should just try to ignore my desires, to hide them and lock them away! So I started thinking that maybe if I start acting like a tough guy, a real man's man, those nasty feelings would just go away. So I started working out and getting swole! And I became a professional wrestler! What's more manly than that right? Soon, I was a BIG D! But despite all of that, something still felt wrong. I still didn't feel at home in a man's body. And sometimes...people picked up on that....


We return to see Corey/Big D in an XWF locker room, but instead of being in the common area, he furtively skimpers out of a stall. Going to his locker, he opens it up and starts grabbing his things. But then, his locker door slams shut on him, almost catching his hands in the door. Corey/Big D starts when he sees the imposing, fearsome figure standing in his way.

Oh....heh....I'm sorry, I didn't see you there! H-how are you doing Mr. Sayors?

Big D can barely form the words, as his body practically convulses in terror at the sight of Steve Sayors. Steve is clad in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. He sneers at Big D, getting right into his personal space.

Hey queermo, people are starting to notice that you always change in private, like some kind of pussy never-nude. Why is that?

P-please Steve...I-I don't want any trouble.... Big D cowers.

You know what I think? I think you change by yourself because you're not a BIG D at all. I think you're a very, very SMALL D, if you catch my meaning?

Yes, yes Steve, I get it.

Yeah, I'm talking about your dick, bitch. I'm talking about how TINY your dick is, especially compared to mine. Steve removes his towel, and Big D averts his gaze at the monster that he knows lies beneath it. Steve Sayors was well known to swing a foot long pipe, it hung almost to his knees. Look at it bitch.

No!

I said look at it!

Big D forces one eye half open and glances down at the python knocking back and forth between Steve Sayors' legs like a meat pendulum.

Yeah, bitch. Know your place. Steve lobs a lightning fast sucker punch right into Big D's stomach, doubling him over. With a jeering cackle, Steve walks away, but not without rolling up his towel and snapping it against Big D's back for good measure. NERD!


I'd really like to say that I didn't cry, but I totally cried. And things just got worse from there. Eventually, I would run afoul of Lux, and if people suspected my secret desires before, well, Lux brought them front and center. It was my fault really. I got cocky. Brazen. I wore women's underwear in a promo, thinking nobody would read too much into my abrupt willingness to slide on a pair of panties. And oh God was it intoxicating! From the moment that lace touched my manboobs, it was like the stars aligned, like I had reached nirvana! All was right in the world.

Until Lux called me out on it. I don't know how he did it, how he found out. Maybe it was a secret camera. Or maybe he was spying. Or maybe it was because I actually included that in my promo. I still can't figure it out! ARGH!

I had been such a fool! And to add further salt to my wound, I lost that match to Lux. Badly.



I ended up getting carted out on a stretcher. And that was after Lux kicked me so hard I shit the ring. You may think I misspoke just now, but I didn't. I shit THE ENTIRE RING. The whole thing was a total loss, and the cost of the ring was deducted from my next paycheck.

And that's when the dark times really began. I was so depressed and confused about my identity, I got lost in a haze of drugs. Well, just one drug really. Synthol. Because I figured the only way to kick this secret desire to have a pussy was to get even more swole. I started going to underground synthol bars, getting injected night after night.



Damn my titties looked good! But it turns out that old adage, you can never have too much of a good thing doesn't apply to synthol. Eventually, I got a bad infection. Real bad. And before I knew it, I woke up in a hospital after emergency surgery.



Corey/Big D can be seen slowly coming to in a hospital bed, eyes fluttering open slowly. Wha...wha happened.....?

A doctor is standing at the ready by his bedside. He tries to speak in a calming voice, but it's easy to see by his anxious demeanor that something is not right. Please Big D, don't exert yourself. Your body has been through a terrible ordeal and we were barely able to save your life. But... he sighs sadly. I have some difficult news. I'm afraid we were unable to save your penis. It was just too infected, and had to be removed. I'm sorry. Oh, and your father has been waiting for you to wake up and....

OH HELL NAW! Bob/Dad D is already in the doorway, and he looks irate. YOU LOST YOUR DICK?! Ohhhhh...shiiiiit! You better get another one or I swear to God I WILL TAKE OFF THIS BELT! He gestures at his belt. YOU ARE NOT TOO OLD FOR A WHUPPIN'!

Big D just turns over, and pulls a pillow over his head.


That there should have been the worst news of my life. But instead, I felt oddly relieved. Fate had intervened and taken a major step towards making me the woman I always secretly wanted to be. But would I be strong enough to go all the way? It turns out I would need one more little push.


Big D is still in the hospital, when a bright radiant light awakens him. He looks up to see an awe inspiring sight!



The angelic image of RuPaul is hovering above Big D's bed. Above RuPaul's head is a passage to heaven itself, with all of the hosts of angels trumpeting songs that sound like a baby's laughter. A tear escapes Big D's eye as he's overtaken by the ethereal beauty.

BIG D! Rupaul speaks with a clap of thunder. BEHOLD! It is I, RuPaul! And I am here to deliver you a message of great importance! You losing your penis was indeed no accident, it is your destiny to take up the mantle of the great line of Queens who preceed you! But you must take strength, and do not let any petty haters or catty cunts stand in your way. You have the power, Big D! Believe in yourself, and all will be well! Rupaul sings the words like a hosannah, as a penis with angel wings alights on her shoulder.

Recognition dawns on Big D. Is that my dick?!

Yes, it is your dick. Rest assured, it is with us in paradise, and will soon be reincarnated as Peter Gilmour.

Big D looks confused. But Gilly's already alive.

Time holds no meaning here, all events are simultaneous and contemporaneous. Just insert some Doctor Who shit here honey, it's all good.

I'll never forget you RuPaul! Thank you for giving me the strength to live my Real Cold Big D Truth!

RuPaul's lip curls up a bit. Yeah honey, go ahead and drop that shit too, it's corny as fuck.


Finally I felt like I was strong enough to be the Big D I was always meant to be! I wanted to shout it to the rooftops! And I knew just how to do it!


We see Big D, freshly discharged from the hospital on his cell phone. Hey, XWF headquarters? Is there a live show going on right now? Oh good! I got something to say! Oh, and are there some jobbers fighting that I can beat up so I can look like a total badass? There is?! Awesome!


So I drove to the live show to make one hell of a statement! But....



We see Big D getting his ass kicked by a couple of jobbers.



Okay, that didn't go so hot. But I was undeterred and tried again!



We see Big D getting his ass kicked by a couple of MIDGET jobbers.


God damnit! Third time's the charm!



We see Taco the Pig standing atop Big D's chest, squealing in victory!



SON OF A FUCKING BITCH! Fine, fuck it, we'll just do an interview!

Oh wait.....



We now see Big D siting in the ring at a house show across from Steve Sayors, who's grinning maliciously. Big D is sweating and shooting nervous glances at Steve, his heart is hammering in his chest, hands clenched and shaking. Hey bitch, is there something you want to say? Steve prods, taunting him by dangling the microphone in front of him.

Big D takes a deep breath, steeling his resolve. This is it. His moment. His chance to cast aside years of hiding and doubt. His chance to reclaim his life and be the person he was always meant to be. To be utterly and completely honest with himself and the whole world. My God, this was it. The apex of his entire existence. He snatches the mic away from Steve, and the crowd seems to sense the magnitude of this moment and they draw to a hush waiting on the epic declaration that is sure to come.

I HAVE NO DICK! Big D shouts into the microphone. Then, reeling, he starts to sputter a recant, but it's too late. Steve and the audience descend into mocking laughter. He has once again made a funeral pyre of his own credibility.

AWWWW HELL NAW! Just then, someone rushes the ring. It's DAD D!

Dad D?! What are you doing here?!

Givin' you that whoopin I should gived ya years ago! I'M A TAKIN' OFF MY BELT! Dad D pulls off his belt, but his pants drop to his ankles, revealing that he is wearing black lacey panties. Dad D looks down at himself in horror. Big D looks on in shock. And then there eyes meet. Dad D starts to well up with tears. Son, I.....

Big D suddenly grapples his father into a big hug. I understand Dad D. I understand....

And the crowd continues to jeer because this still really sucks.


The shot opens on just Corey now, applauding in a condescending manner.

Oh, what an inspiring story! Bravo! Bravo! Certainly more entertaining than listening to you wax on for 5 whole minutes about being a basement dweller who strikes out with girls whose life was miraculously saved by a friend who lent him a copy of The Secret. “If you just BELIEVE, GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN!” Man, fuck off with the ready made for Oprah shit. What a condescending load of pablum.

Big D if wanting and believing were the only requisites for success here in the XWF then EVERYONE would be champion. Unfortunately for you, it also requires talent, skill, and ability. Oh, and not to mention actually being entertaining. I mean, my God man you even admitted you had a funny idea but dropped it in favor of more bland self serious climbing the ladder bullshit. ZZZZZZZZZZZ! Oh no, why stoop to that level when you can just be a pedantic bore who leaks ratings and buyrates like a sieve.

Oh, and to answer your question....it was the webcam. We have a robot who can hack into them. Say “hello” HELPER.

Helper dips into view, looking as contrite as a robot can be.

I am so sorry Mr. D, they made me do it!

Jesus, put some tape over that thing the next time you decide to turn your credibility into a Reichstag fire maybe? Here's a hint Big D, if you have to spend even a MINUTE of your promo time trying to provide justification for why you were caught wearing a bra....YOU HAVE LOST. Okay? YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST.

You can be as earnest as you want, but a big part of being successful in this company is not tripping over your own two feet. It's also kind of a requirement for being a decent champion. But you have proven you are incapable of even this much. From drafting the worst War Games team known to man, to giving up the ghost in each one of your successive dull as dishwater “I BELIEVE I CAN FLY” promos, you have displayed without a shadow of a doubt that you completely lack the “it” factor that one needs to be a bonafide star here. But yet you had the gall to waltz into this match acting like you winning the TV championship was the only possible outcome, like just being a muscular jarhead with drive and ambition was somehow going to magically propel you to the top while you put absolutely no effort into bringing anything new or interesting to the table. That might fly in OTHER promotions where the bar for entry is a lot lower, but not here in the XWF.

Corey holds Lux's title aloft.

No Big D. Not yours. Never yours. So go ahead and return that copy of the Secret to your buddy and use this epic lashing as a big glaring sign that something about you needs to change. Or don't. No sweat off my back.

See you tomorrow.