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John Rogan · (04-23-2019)

"Hehehehehe"

This question goes out to those who are thirty and older. You remember in 1997, a movie came out known as 'Austin Powers?'

For those of you who may not know the movie, or may need a refresher, allow me. Austin 'Danger' Powers was a Gentlemen spy who existed in 1960's London, England. In 1967, his arch-nemesis Dr. Evil had himself cryogenically frozen to be thawed out in the future.

Now, Austin Powers being the dedicated spy he was; offered to have himself cryogenically frozen, so he could be on hand when Dr. Evil returned, and he could resume his mission to capture the evil Doctor.

So, in 1997, Dr. Evil was thawed out, and Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery played out, at the end Dr. Evil once again froze himself, but Austin Powers did not, however, let's skip ahead to the movie we're watching now. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.

Now, you may be wondering why Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me is currently my activity for the evening, and most importantly why I am sharing it with you all. That question will be answered momentarily.

[A few minutes pass, while we watch Austin Powers noisily make his way through Dr. Evil's headquarters.]

I have to give him credit for a dope he's rather crafty. However, let's keep your eye on the movie, and it will eventually be obvious why we're enjoying this 1999 hit.

"Hah Hah"

This movie's so funny to me. Watch this part though. You'll see here; where Mini-Me, who has been artificially created with the use of Dr. Evil's frozen semen, and Frau Farbissina' egg, comes out and sneak attacks Austin, beating him down into submission.

It's a scary thought right. A midget, 1/8th the size of Dr. Evil beating the hell out of Austin, but what's this? Mini-Me's showing compassion and helping him up? No, it was a ploy, Mini-Me just headbutted Austin in the family jewels, and is kicking the shit out of him.

Will Austin turn this around? Obviously, as Mini-Me bit down on Austin''s junk. The gentlemen spy repeatedly slams Mini-Me back into a pillar of sorts, before the clone climbs in his suit, and Austin is forced to dispatch of him through the use of a toilet, and ejects him into space.

So, I know it's not obvious, but we're watching this movie, in an attempt to understand the ways of midget combat. For, on May 2nd over in Tampa, Florida I have been chosen to welcome Mini Morbid, a roided up, fifty pound, three foot ten inch thing...into the XWF.

Everything about it's baffling to me. I have to admit it. I've never in all my years of professional wrestling, went toe to toe with a midget, whether it be single match, tag team, three way's, multiple person matches, no none whatsoever, so I'm lost. Mini-Me, was the only person I could think of to scout for tactics I can use to fend off Mini Morbid.

[Slowly, I turn in my swivel chair, facing the camera for the first time tonight, and look into the lens at my audience.]

I'm still at a loss for words, so I'm going to do what everybody does, when they can't come up with the correct dialogue. Yes, I'm going to ramble...

"Mini Morbid, first I want to thank you for allowing me the honor of facing you in your very first XWF match. Now, I don't know if this is a new era for midget wrestlers, or if it's something that has been going on for centuries, but I'm going to assume this is a first.

Mini Morbid, you've made a mistake thinking you could come in here and change the way sports entertainment works. You are a little person, a midget. You're supposed to be competing with your own kind in a freak show, out in some county fair in Kentucky.

Why are you here? Is it because you want to bring pride to your 'little people' community, to you're family, all of whom are four foot and under? Do you want to break barriers in hopes of making the professional e-wrestling hall of fame? Or are you just that jacked up in steroids you don't know what you're doing?

I'm going to assume it's all three. So, let's start out with the first, bringing pride to your family. Morbidcito, you will not bring pride to your family come May 2nd. No, short man, all you will bring our tears, jeers, fears, because I, John 'The Eliminator' Rogan, being the 'Syc Bastard' I am will take you, just like Austin Powers took Mini-Me. I will slam you against everything from the security railing to the ring post. I will smack you around, I will stomp on your little fingers, and then and only then will I throw you up like a punter, tosses up a football, and kick you across the arena with 'The End Result'.

So, secondly when you lose, you win. Having midget wrestlers compete against normal sized competitors, or in my case, larger sized competitors, will still be good for the sport, and good for humanity in general. How many people out there listening can say they want equality for all men, women, and children on the planet? So, yes barriers may be broken, and we will be famous in XWF history, but...is it worth it?

That's a nice segue into my third point. You may just be so fucked up on steroids that you don't even know what you're doing. In that case. I go back to my first statement thank you. See, Morbidcito, I have been in this industry for a very long time. I have watched roid-heads come and go, and I've always enjoyed kicking the fuck out of them.

So, on May 2nd, when you and I step in that ring as the opening contest of Anarchy, and we're the first to compete in a midget versus man match. The glory of breaking barriers will be yours, but your ass will be mine.

The end."

[With that I swing my swivel chair back around, and continue with my movie.]

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