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JimCaedus · (03-08-2019)

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XWF FLASHBACK: There was a time- nay, a veritable golden age -when the tobacco gardens, coca jungles and weed fields of the XWF were alive with activity and foul-mouthed warriors greedily drank from taps of liquor and carbonated liquid amphetamine. An age in which witnessing incomparable Gods borne from the heavens upon vape-trailing chariots or the imposing spectacle of Kings on the battlefield or even the spectacular sight of the skies blackened by the wingspan of a solitary Raven were never out of the question. Days past when the plains of war were trod upon by the boots and high heels of masked monster and gay cowboy alike and APEX predators preyed upon Nazi Motherfuckers. An epoch of Dukes and Dykes and motorized carriages bearing bespectacled 'tater-like Ghoulies, when Cosmic Clowns, Reptoids, hot Witches, Vampire Killer gunslingers, IRA assassins, confused Limeys, terrifying seven foot Goliaths all named Drezdin, sexpot top-heavy Asian twins, wishful Tommys, green Barneys, Frankenstein's Monster's-forehead-having Krauts, pseudo-Methuselahlistic heirs to the throne stuck in teen boy bodies, legitimate teen girl Terminators and slick Black Superheroes would all clash and one could spy the Gillys running wild and free, happily swinging their crimson boners like broadswords at magical old floating Devils for as far as the eye could see. A bygone era when men were men, women were women and Chris Chaos was both and never let you forget it- Wait, that one's still valid... A glimmer of hope! Hey it's workin', almost half that shit is true again, hooraaaaaaaaay!! We can actually DO IT fam, we can make the XWF epic once more and it's all thanks to Chris Chaos! Chris, on behalf of everyone thank you for stickin' to it, ya urethra-smoochin' stubbornly fuckin' feminine poutin' pissbag bitch. VIVE LA CLIT!

(resuming the story from Robert Main's APEX collaboration "The Epic Conclusion... Who is Locksley?")

::Immediately following the incredible battle between Locksley and APEX...... ::

Roll this mother fucker over, let’s see who it is..

Drew rolls Locksley over as he and Robert both take a few steps backwards, their mouths opened in shock.

Eyes snap open. "BROS!!"

JIM!!

::BLACK::

"Deus ex Machina: Beta"

We thought you were DEAD!

"What, 'cause of Madame Chaos? Drew came a lot closer than she did a minute ago with that FLARE TO THE BACK OF MY HEAD." Leaning up to a sitting position, pawing at his still smoking hair. "Thank Christ for rock-noggins and ricochet."

Admiring his flare gun. Damn right ricochet, I nailed you but good.

Spotting the rottweiler beside them, sweetly. "Heeeeey, who's this?"

Bending to heap love upon her, baby talk. This is Harley, our new mascot and- Wait, fuck that.. Jim what are you doing here?? YOU'RE Locksley!?

Confusion. "Locksley? Like Robin of? Nice, I like it. First time I heard the name in context with _me_ of cour- Wait, fuck all THAT. What are YOU TWO doing HERE and WHY have you been huntin' me down!?"

I have a question that connects there: you saw me and Drew a couple times over the weeks we've been hunting you down yet you said nothing. You even tried to stop us. Why?

"'Cuz 'e knew 'dis was comin'."

Harley growls. APEX jumps, startled, both Drew and Main spinning to see-

"Surano."

Well-dressed Italian leveling a pistol at Jim as he emerges from the surrounding brush. "Hey there..."Locksley"." A second, shorter, joins him.

"Finally caught up to ya, ya rat bastid."

Lighthearted. "Secondo! How's my favorite hench with the WORST on-the-nose legitimately Italian name? You know, I've always wanted to ask you dagos...how do you keep that cinematic greaseball accent when you live in Austra-"

Fires a warning shot. "Do me a favuh, 'uh? Choose your last woids a bit more carefully and get up. You two-" Looking to Drew and Main. "-youse can leave. Your debt's been settled. You-" Pointing to our POV. "-cameraman, erase whatcha been recordin' and leave wit' 'em."

Drew and Robert look to one another and laugh.

To Surano, still chuckling. You have to excuse us.. Who are you guys again?

Staring daggers. And what makes you think we'd hand our brother over to you?

I think it's highly likely we've been had, Bob-o and they expect us to leave quietly.

"Bingo Einsteen."

Impatience. "Einstein. EINSTEIN ya baciagaloop! How many times I told ya tuh keep QUIET when we're workin'?"

"Drew, Bob, this is Surano and Secondo. I'm assuming they've been following YOU following ME since you're all here in New Zealand as well. They work as hitmen for the Honoured Society, the dominant force in Aussie woppery. The Society is also who I've been stealin' from. Them and the rest of the Calabrese cunts." Reaches for the skin mask he'd been wearing for weeks that Drew dropped on the ground. "Not that the Pappalardos and La Cosa Nostra are any better but it's THEM who I still owe MY debt to."

"Pappalardo!? Oh that fat fuck is dead." Lets fly with another shot, this one just left of Jim's hand reaching for the mask, halting his attempt. "Nah Jimbo, that ain't yours. Go fetchy, Seccy."

Eyes wide as he advances. "Don Sergei's, God rest 'is soul, Jack the Ripper death mask!"

Jack the Ripper?

Stooping to retrieve the mask, staring at it in awe. "Dat's right, Jack the Ripper. Better known as James Maybrick. Muddafucka came here to escape being found out in England, crossed the wrong outback cops. Dead, skinned, secret. The shit was lifted from the pigs and been passed down from Don tuh Don fuh decades, it's valuable."

"Not as valuable as eveything else this asshole took and ya better believe, Jimbo, you'll be returnin' it all before you die. There's dat big mout' again by da way Seccy, I aughta put a bullet in it."

Recalling his messing with the mask. Whoa, whoa, whoa.. You mean..I slipped a mummified Jack the Ripper's face the tongue!? Starts freaking out.

In fact, Drew becomes positively spastic. Dry heaving, screaming, spinning around and around as if to do so will eliminate the dead serial killer skin saltiness he can now taste from memory. Harley sets into a barking fit. Surano and Secondo can't help but stare at it all in alarm.

Agitated. "Ey, ey, EY, knock it off and shut that bitch the fuck up while you're at it! The fuck is wrong wit'choo!? The fuck you doin'!?"

Suddenly stops. They never saw Guardians of the Galaxy. Ha!

"Huh?"

From behind Secondo. Distraction, dickhead.

The Italian twirls in time to receive a solid headbutt from The Omega, breaking his nose.

"FUCK!"

Spinning to turn the pistol on Main. "MuddaFUC-"

Jim, having already been up and on the way, lands his Wrexus Plexus to Surano's chest. He flies back to the ground with an OOF, losing his pistol in the process.

A scant few seconds looking for the pistol then- "RUN BROS!!!"

Main and Jim take off in a flash...Drew on the other hand...

Where's Drew!?

Halting to turn. "DREW!"

The two spy Drew back with Harley in the midst of some kind of action at Surano's feet. He then apparently finishes and hauls ass over to his brothers, Harley at his side. The quartet takes off en masse.

Stuttered by his heavy breathing on the run. Sorry, sorry. Little insurance policy.

What insurance policy?

Loose ends.

"We gotta get outta sight, they'll be calling this in. I have a hideaway close by, come on!"

::DISSOLVE::

::SEVERAL MINUTES LATER::

Having seemingly lost Surano and Secondo and having safely steered his brothers to a nearby cave set into one of many New Zealand mountain ranges, Jim leads the way a good fifty feet into the darkness.

"Damn, it is DARK in here. Guys? Either of you got anything we can-"

A hissing sparkle of light fills the cave with illumination from the floor up.

Way ahead of you Jim.

As he turns to Drew. "Awfully sparkly light source there Dr- JESUS FUCKIN' CHRIST, IS THAT DYNAMITE!!??"

DREW!

What.

Put it OUT, that's dangerous!

Easy mom, the fuse is like 4 feet long, see? Plus it's slow burning, it'll take forever to reach detonation and until then, we need light, do we not?

Jim and Robert remain silent, now staring fearfully at the fuse burning away on the cavern floor.

Exactly, calm the hell down. Now.. While we're in here hiding like a bunch of weenies- Stomach growls. Hey Bob, you have that extra can of Vienna Sausage?

YOU ate all my sausages??

Noooooo, I didn't eat all your sausages. I found your little hiding spot and ate one of two cans. Now I'm going to eat all your sausages, so where are they?

I gave the other can to Harley.

Harley, in human fashion, seems confused by this statement and whines.

Bobby, I'm starting to suspect you just say that to keep your savory jerkys and delectable sausages all to yourself.

The jerky and sausages you already ate being excluded from that, right?

Right.

Robert steps on the lit fuse, grinds it out, then strikes a match and raises it to the business end of a ten hour cigar he had secreted somewhere on his person. Light.

Inspecting smoking end of the fuse. You're no fun Bob. Also, I'm sure if you don't feed me I can report you for neglect.

Robert rolls his eyes and inhales, blowing smoke at Drew.

Excuse me.. You, with the secondhand smoke, and I'm the one who's being dangerous? Screw it, it's my dynamite. I'll light it if I want to.

Warning tone. Dreeeeeeew.

Oh shut up, I know what I'm doing.

"Ya do?"

About to light the fuse. Yes, Bob, I do.

Secondo laughs.

Drew turns.

Oh. Drew looks down at Surano's (standing at the mouth of the cave with Secondo) shoeless feet, elbows Robert who's currently staring down the barrel of his gun. What happened there Sury? Lose your shoes? Action behind his back.

"Yeah, ya tied the laces togeddah you fuckin' cocksucka."

Elbows Robert again. Huh? Insurance policy? Loose ends? Get it?

It didn't work Drew.

Walking in, dark tone. "Oh it worked, you just fucked it up is all. See, we nevuh woulda found youse t'ree if ya hadn't been in here arguin' so loud. Thank you fuh dat. Speakin' of which...where's Jim?"

Looking around. Where IS Jim?

Clak... clak...

I'd be more worried about him Sury.

Surano looks to Drew quizzically, becomes aware of him pointing diagonally down at Surano's feet, looks down, lit dynamite.

And Drew lit it short.

VERY short.

::BLACK::

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

"Weeeeeell...ain't _you_ fulla big gay beans now? Miiiighty impressive Christine, guess I was pretty spot on with my analysis regarding who exactly it is that gets your swollen pink thot-knot engorged and panties to drippin', ey? And I have to say, no matter how hard you seem to push for the contrary you never let me down with the near instantaneous counterpunch potential.

What ever do I mean?

That was a cute, if not wholly expected, point of attack there with all the comparisons of value...though I found your immediate fuck up to be positively adorable.

"Jim Caedus is the stack on the left. Big, imposing-"

That's quite enough. "Big and imposing"? Who am I, Drezdin? Rob Bourbon? (sigh) Chris, after the hundreds of times we've crossed paths outta the ring and the four times we've clashed IN the fuckin' thing, how is it you missed I'm damn near the shortest competitor in the XWF? You're bigger and more "imposing" than I am, dipshit.

Yeah, don't even try to wiggle your way outta that one...

"-but they put me side by side with Caedus and they are in sheer awe of the size--both in name and in body... Jim Caedus appears to be so much more...a stature that makes him appear as though he is insurmountable. ...The Sasquatch of a man...

"And there we have it you fuckin' imbecile. To hell with the metaphorical aspects you moved on to later, you started off hinging your entire argument on a glaring mistake. An IMPOSSIBLE mistake at that.

How.
Have.
You.
Not.
Learned.
To.
PAY.
ATTENTION?

You wanna know why people look at the two of us and assume I'll win? It ain't my size, it's THAT right there. The Chaos brand self sabotage. You expect to defeat me this time yet here you are stuck in the same cycle you've always been muckin' through. What YOU perceive is a lie... Thank you for vindicating my words, however.

ALL of them.

You've changed have you?

L-O-L

No. You haven't.

You clusterfucked on to claim I'm an illusion of superiority then attacked my career stating it's "nothing without (my) buddies in Apex and nothing without being supported by the others around (me)." You even went so far as to say I'm "a champion who has made a career of hiding behind his hired muscle." An amazing observation since I carved my way to the top via first my undefeated TV Title streak followed by the Lethal Lottery IV tournament, nabbing my first XWF 24/7 briefcase by tourney's conclusion...and I achieved both of those while officially on my own despite the nature of the tourney itself. Not to mention, "hiding behind my hired muscle"? Hell Chris, even as a part of Ax3, the majority of the time I was dealing with solo matches and Uni Title defenses. The one time a member of Ax3 did a run-in "for my benefit" was the same night I LOST the Uni strap, which, unfortunately for you, tends to deflate your weightless point that I'm nothing without my buddies considering I was nothing WITH them in that scenario.

Nice try though.

Strike that.

It was weak.

Typical.

On the subject of _APEX_ there won't be any success in discrediting me for that on your end. APEX is a brotherhood, sis. For each of us it's fully about one another and the team, our individual accomplishments really don't come into play...even though each of us holds legitimate bragging rights for our own solo accolades.

Team.

Friendship.

Brotherhood.

Concepts lost on you due to your failure to comprehend them you pitifully pathetic sociopath. Chris Chaos, consistent lame, _incapable_ of holding a team together, will attack those who do and he does so out of sophomoric jealousy.

Try owning your disloyal habits and alienating personality as opposed to inaccurately criticizing the fraternal nature of others, it's another of those quirks that has you consistently embarrassing yourself. Dumbass.

Embarrassing yourself like stating how YOUR reputation is, in the end, "(you) always (coming) out on top."

CHRISTOPHER ELIZABETH JACKSON...HOW do YOU have the balls to make such an OUTRAGEOUS claim?

Jesus Christ, I used to think you were just an ignorant, arrogant, talentless tranny hack until discovering you really HAVE 100% honest-to-God lost your mind. Now I think you're an ignorant, arrogant, talentless tranny hack without a fuckin' brain. When it comes to Jim Caedus you've NEVER come out on top and that ain't bein' cocky, it's reading from the record book. Is that assmask cuttin' off the circulation to that grey matter of yours?

Clearly you didn't "end (me) in the blink of an eye" and the implication behind you taking that route during the hype cycle honestly blows my OWN mind. Kinda like how you literally claim "always coming out on top" in the end then flip around and state you're the underdog.

Pick a position and stick with it, idiot.

As well, you can save the "harsh" words for the Mainiac. Your expertly flawed opinion of him holds NO BEARING whatsoever on the two of US meeting for the FIFTH time in combat. Try keeping that empty head of yours focused on the "insurmountable" task at hand and maintaining your hypocrisy of both always coming out on top AND being the underdog."

Suddenly bursting out in laughter. "...I'm sorry, what was that you went on to claim? "...ring rust that Caedus is bound to have...".

Remind me, WHEN was _your_ last match?

Yeah.

Shut the fuck up.

Unbelievable. Is there anything you wanna shoot my way that ain't a blank?

Oh wait, what?

"(Jim) was made human all those months ago by Chris Chaos, exposed..."

No, the only exposure that's been had is how you inadvertently murdered a man you thought to be me. Even if I _hadn't_ been FORCED to leave without notice out of failure to kill Snoop Dogg for that greaseball Pappalardo family, it would've been Engy outta anyone to receive that ability to talk shit, not you.

What a surprise, Chris Chaos is taking credit for another's efforts. As truly UNsurprising as Chris Chaos still being guilty of projecting his own shortcomings onto his opponent. "(I) begin to talk in circles and stutter" when I panic, do I?

"The days of Apex are numbered, and Jim Caedus is loan that they hope can keep them afloat."

"Jim Caedus is loan" is he, chief? You switched from well-spoken to broken English there kemosabe, what happened? And speakin' of talkin' in circles...

"Stack of money... Stack of money... Stack of money... House money... House money..."

What's wrong, Cuckles?

Panicking?

And here you thought you'd FINALLY figured me out.

"Get in his head, get a jump on him early, and make him question himself. Its doable."

Yeah that early jump on me is workin' for you now as well as it did for you during the High Stakes II hype cycle in which I was playin' catch up the whole time and STILL came out victorious.

Excellent point genius.

FYI, there _IS_ no "getting into my head", Chris, you can't even grasp the reality of your own situation, your own weaknesses, your OWN MIND...what in God's name has you believing you can figure out THIS highly complex and admitted MESS of a head of mine?

Better question:

When has it ever stopped me where YOU'RE concerned?

In fact, when did it stop me from accruing all I have in the XWF?

It hasn't.

It didn't.

You're a

.

"Jim Caedus thinks that Chris Chaos is a pushover."

No, Chris Chaos fucks himself over into the position of the ever-pushover. All Jim Caedus does is shine a light on it. And you won't be manipulating me into acting like you. I NEVER overestimate an opponent, not since Bob Main. The guy who beat the guy you never have yet you claim you're better than both of them.

Wow...you're all sorts of misguided in this, ain'tcha? Metaphors concerning old girlfriends when you've had no experience with anything minus a penis aside from your own fat-clit-flickin', claims of the chips being in your favor and your change despite you making all the same mistakes... I'll tell ya, YOU better be feeling the pressure. You're definitely layin' it on YOURSELF pretty thick.

Yes, Chris, "imagine the big comeback, the big pop, the big reveal, only to fall short. Imagine coming back and being expected to run over _my_ like you have so many times before, and not getting the job done.".

Imagine you STILL trippin' through your tirade outta fear that you'll do exactly that. Imagine your inability to get a hold of this situation translating as it always does in the ring and you, as always, not getting the job done. For fucksake Chris, you can't even keep track of my height, what makes you think you have any room to talk on falling short?

If we're gonna "dance this tango" together again, would you mind learnin' how not to dance with two left feet?

I mean LORD, you're comin' at me claiming all those other failures of yours were due to you not being focused and stretched too thin. You claim you're focused NOW.

That why you keep bringing up Robert Main, wasting endless minutes in that LOOOOONG-winded bitchfest on him? That why you brought up the "Radical" and Boss Lane? Can you NOT keep focused on me while claiming you're keeping focused on me?

You've learned NOTHING, Chris.

Refusing to learn, to pay attention, to correct your past mistakes...none of that equals change nor the chips being in your favor. It's the same equation as before.

And where I honestly was feeling a bit of pressure, as any man returning to combat after an absence would, INCLUDING YOU...you're doin' one helluva job relieving it for me.

Trying to paint my wanting to smash you for what you did to Tommy Pagliacci, grand prize winner of the Be Caedus for a Day contest, as irritating as he was, as some sort of protection for my bro Main? I must've beaten dementia into that skull of yours over the course of our feud.

I

L
O
V
E

F
I
G
H
T
I
N
G

Y
O
U

Period.

Even if that HAD been me in that truck, THAT would be the endgame here for me. Revenge.

How isn't that obvious?

"How does it be to be a three dollar bill Jim?"

Not sure, if I was able to understand incoherency I'd have an answer for you, ya mushmouth doofus. Panicking again?

How's it feel to realize everything you went on record to say was as full of as many holes as any argument you've ever made against me?

How's it feel to come face to face with your own ineffectuality again?

How's it feel...to have to stare into your visage reflecting in that puddle o' piss I KNOW is gathering around your sopping ass at this point and admit you'll always be Chris Chaos?

A fake.

A fraud.

A four-flusher.

A LOSER.

Chaos is coming?

No, Chaos is here.

Chaos has BEEN here since he started sulking in the dark like the projecting coward he enjoys calling others.

Chaos was here doing NOTHING for months.

Chaos isn't chaos at all.

Chaos is controlled par for the Christopher Jackson course. In short...

Chaos

Is

Counterfeit.

And if Chaos refuses to see that, I couldn't care less.

Win or lose, I'm kickin' the everliving shit out of 'im on Warfare anyway.

Fuck chaos, Chris.

_Caedus_ is coming.

All over your face.

You may wanna close your eyes young lady."

×××××××××××××

To be continued...

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