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JimCaedus · (12-22-2017)

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"Euthanizing the Bitch"

--The Not Too Distant Future--

--American History--

::We FADE IN on a packed high school classroom and the buzz of teenage conversation. Luckily for us in context with the jarring nature of leaping around time and despite this being the future, it's as realistic a future as can be and is easily adjusted to, the students all clad in 90s style clothing and haircuts which just so happen to have cycled back around into fashion, thankfully also bringing along with them the rediscovery of legitimate hip hop, the second-gen credless new wave rap bullshit of the 2010s having long ago been revealed as the biggest rib ever played on the industry and it's fans as part of an experiment perpetrated in conjunction with the government and the media to see just how shitty they could make music, film and television before the stupid masses caught on to the fact they were being punked.

A hush falls over the class as the instructor finishes silently taking touch-screen attendance and stands, adjusting his prescription Geordi La Forge visor because 90s fashion or not, it's the future and some things need to be presented as such, right?

"Alright gentlemen, ladies, good afternoon...can anyone tell me where we left off yesterday?"

It may be the future but some things never change and the class remains silent in response.

"Come on now, we've spent the whole week discussing presidential history. None of you remembers who we left off with? Was it Donald Trump?"

Of course they remember, they'd all had a good ol' time laughing about the fact a past generation had seen fit to embarrass the country in electing Trump into office when clearly they should've elected Deez Nuts. Not Hillary though, that's just silly. Anyway, the novelty had worn off overnight, now the moody teens were back to believing trying = dork.

At long last, a very unlikable brown nosing poser in the front row known for spouting out "No Shit, Sherlock" revelations answers, "It was President Trump, Mr. de Grace," then adopts a look of superiority.

An overdramatic and simultaneous sigh of exasperation punctuated by eyerolls escapes from the class.

Mr. de Grace, who prefers to be called Ku (being of French & Japanese descent) in favor of a more friendly and relatable position with the youth, levies a glance of disdain himself at the boy before-

"Indeed, it was President Trump...and we left off early in his term in late twenty seventeen."

Mr. de Grace wants to either backhand or ask the pretentious little prick why the only accurate statements and answers he ever utters are either repeating another's words or those that fall in the Given category yet he acts like it's groundbreaking news to everyone else. Instead, he ignores the punk and embarks on his practiced lesson plan.

"Well class if you recall, we learned how President Trump, like most of the presidents of the 20th and early 21st century before him, had both lied to the public and played off the people's bigotry to weasel his way into the White House. We learned he was a man who was fond of saying whatever he thought would be taken as truth if he made his argument or story sound convincing and he arrogantly assumed most people to be dumb enough to believe it or lazy enough not to check the facts. Now...I could spend more time on President Trump relaying the information on the many ways he negatively impacted the nation while in office in detail such as the rape of national landmarks or the war on Mexico which of course led to The Alamo: Part Deux and the death of David Crockett the 11th...but it was the next man elected in 2019 who would prove to be the herald for, believe it or not, positive change in our country.

Dexter Bright, a professional wrestler turned senator in 2018 who-"

"Wait, a wrestler? A wrestler was a senator??"

Mr. de Grace laughs.

"You have to understand, James, back then the idea wasn't so outlandish or in any way original, though Dexter Bright thought he'd displayed a real creative humdinger of a decision to run, like how each successive soap opera screenwriter thinks the old "surprise bastard child" bit isn't cliché whenever the next one uses it. See, it wasn't unusual for ridiculously under-qualified conservative actors to become governor or president or handsy liberal comedians to be seen as senators. What's more, Dexter Bright wasn't even the first pro-wrestler to make such a move, he was preceded by men like Jesse Ventura, Nikolai Volkoff and Glenn Jacobs...but he was most definitely the first to be elected president and one of few senators ever elected while a seated senator.

Most senators who ran for office could never win over the public, they all lacked the charisma to get the job done and would unintentionally alienate with political jargon the people couldn't understand."

"But Dexter Bright was able to, huh Mr. de Grace."

"How illuminating, bright light, you put that together yourself? He literally already said that, it's now common knowledge."

Mr. Ku de Grace could intervene if he wanted to...but he doesn't. He's getting a kick out of the usage of the now common slang phrase "how illuminating, bright light" (which had replaced other such insulting colloquialisms "smooth move, ex-lax", "duh" and it's regional "doi" variation) and just so happened to have seen it's genesis in critical context of none other than President Bright himself.

"I did put it together myself actually, it's called research, James. I'm an expert at this point."

"Oh yeah?" James produces his net-halo from his backpack and slides it atop his head, sets the browser screen to opaque so the know-it-all can't read from the other side and mentally initiates a search. "How many terms did President Trump have in office, genius?"

"Two!"

"WRONG bright-guy-" (another Dexter Bright inspired insult) "-it was ONE!"

"Bright guy" suddenly and hastily shoots up from his desk and in a display of "I just got outed as a posing fake fuckstick" exclaims-

"Ooooo, look at the EXPERT in President Trump everybody!"

He snatches his show choir cane and sparkle top hat from his backpack-

"I call this, "Big James's Shack of Facts"!"

-then begins singing to the tune of pop oldie "Mmmbop" like an asshole who somehow thinks he's funny and cool but really is just an über-effeminate bisexual while performing the federally banned Achy Breaky Heart line-dance.

"Mmm flop, mmm flop, mmm flop,
Floobey dooooo plop,
mmm flop, oh oh nooooo ooooh whoooa

Oh, I'm a lying sack of asshoooles...
And I got called on my shiiiit...
So now I'll act like I'm the cool doooope...
And do this to make fun of hi-"

James roundly silences him with a swung right hook to the jaw.

Ten all too brief seconds later the douchebag slowly gathers himself and rises...then-

"I got my ass kicked but I'm stiiill coooool...
'Cause if I lose it means I wiiiiiin...
And up is down and right is left, foooool...
I'm-"

James headbutts him then grabs his stringy arm, swings him around and irish whips him towards and ultimately through the nearest convenient closed classroom window in a shower of glass.

Mr. de Grace doesn't bother alerting school security or the nurse on staff, he intends to say the kid killed himself over the verified rumor he'd been stickin' it to his tranny next door neighbor and he knew the class would back that u-

"I push persistence on for miiiiiuuuuuuules..." The douche continues from outside the window now, standing with shards of glass protruding from his face and pretending it doesn't hurt.
"You know you gotta give me thaaaat...
And also give me all your styyyuuuules...
'Cause I'm a shameless copyca-"

::BLAM!::

Mr. de Grace blows the boy's brains out with a single well-aimed shot from his required-by-law-here-in-the-future faculty fifty-cal phaser, uses a Kleenex to snatch up and whack himself in the forehead with the decedent's show choir cane, then immediately begins looking forward to the parade that'll be thrown in his honor for stomping out domestic terrorism in our nation's schools. Again, he knows the students will back up his story...implied by the raucous ovation in reaction to the smug fibber's death.

He can't distract himself with that now, however, he has a class to teach...

"Okay, hahaha, okay, OOOkay, let's get back on track here. So, before I was so rudely interrupted...Senator Dexter Bright used his silver tongued orator skills to pull the wool over the eyes of the nation and was elected president following Trump's first term. A few months later, President Bright was using his executive power to pass the pathetic Eye-for-a-Wife Act among numerous other horrifyingly disgusting inhuman and indecent infractions against the American people. And how possibly could he have gotten away with it at the time, you ask?"

Mr. de Grace activates the Learnin' Orb on his desk and antiquated 2D news footage begins to play...

We see President Bright standing before a podium taking questions from the press.

"President Bright, what in God's name are you thinking brainstorming a law encouraging men to assault the wives of other men who steal from them? Are you inSANE, sir!?"

President Bright merely smiles slyly and responds-

::PAUSE::

"Whoa, sorry, sorry. Forgot to enable the

Translator, I forgot this footage was taken before the human race spontaneously lost the genetic coding that allowed us to make sense of gibberish, effectively wiping incoherency clean of our species slate. ...There we go."

::RESUME::

"What Eye-for-a-Wife Act?"

"Theeeee Eye-for-a-Wife Act you passed via executive order?"

"Look everyone, that woman makes no sense and is only speaking gibberish. She's craaaaazy! Flibbity flobbity bibbity bobbity boo!"

"Uh-"

"Bladdadeedah whooo?"

"What?"

"Blaaaaaablooblooptyshoopshaboobopwop?"

"Sigh...no further questions."

"Point aaaand match. .......goo goo ga ga."

::END::

"Wait...ok...so...how did that help him get away with it at the time, sir?"

"Well James, no men or women at the time knew how to counter such nonsense without simply giving up or slitting their own wrists in frustration. At least...not in the arena of politics or journalism. There WAS one man, however, ANOTHER pro-wrestler, who via the support, strength and vindication of his two close friends was able to fight back and shine the light on President Bright as it were. His name...was Jim...Caedus. Unfortunately, all footage of their televised political debates was destroyed by President Bright's cabinet in pursuit of erasing the evidence that would still ultimately condemn him, no one could UNwatch it after witnessing damnation of that magnitude...but I just so happen to have archival footage of the two of them squaring off in a battle of wits in the promotion they both hailed from, the XWF. I'm sure you've heard of it, they currently lead the pack in sports entertainment as they have since waaaaaay back in 1999. In any case, I took the liberty of editing this together to exhibit just how outclassed Dexter Bright was, calling himself The Engineer, while going head to head with Jim Caedus, now an XWF Legend."

::PLAY::

"Are you fuckin' kidding me with this shit, Engy? You call that angering the giant? You call that enterTAINING!? Bullseye, ya botchin' baron o' bungfruit and ball-less bitchassery, THAT'S what we all wanna see when we're tunin' in to watch two men go at it with shit talk in professional wrestling, give us some newsroom footage! I-"

::SCAN::

"We can actually go ahead and skip this part, it's really only commentary on how lame it is to think perusing the news in sports entertainment is enjoyable. Jim also addresses the notion that footage of The Engineer trash talking an opponent being allowed to monopolize a segment existing to discuss a political future was a contrived and unrealistic idea. ...Here we go."

::PLAY::

"-upid fuckin' idiot! A discussion on your possible senatorship "organically" segues into-"

::SCAN::

::PLAY::

"-ACK! HACK I say! You are the WORST-"

::SCAN::

::PLAY::

"-eal though, WHAT were you thinking!? "Watch me torpedo the concept o' quality, everybody!?"

::SCAN::

"He uh...he had a lot to say. Heh."

::PLAY::

"-f all the HALF-WIT, lame brained-"

::SCAN::

::PLAY::

"-ade ME mad?"

"Here we are."

"Dick, you're just butthurt and testy over the fact your balls, boxers and cup keep laughing at your toddler penis." The class erupts in laughter. "And also that I nailed you to the wall with my trash talk and don't you deny it bitch, it's why you came back so fast. That's ok though, let's just go on ahead and figure out exactly what it was you thought would be pissin' ME off, shall we?

Hmmmm...was it:"

"Jim is EXTREMELY wordy and he feels compelled to nit pick every last thing that people say ... Jim is also really, really obsessed with internet message boards incidentally, and he will regularly refer to imaginary internet message boards to fuel his nitpicking."

"Nope, that can't be it. Criticizing me of long winded retorts and nitpicking everything someone says while you then embark on a 7 paragraph quote quest nitpicking everything I say in long winded fashion? Fail. Not to mention, you'd be singing a different tune if my long winded promo material was uploaded as a Motherfucker, amirite? Yeah, shut up. For the record, what the fuck is a message board and what possible relevance does it have to two men shooting hype videos in professional wrestling? I don't know, maybe next time provide at LEAST some form of more than likely doctored photo shop footage of these "message boards" and my mentioning of them. Otherwise...you sound like a jackass. Which, you most certainly do. Dipshit.

Oh wait, maybe it was when you tried stealing away the logic behind a guy being distracted by familial problems in his personal life as something that could NEVER possibly affect his performance in either promotional or physical competition despite the fact I've been proving that exact damn thing since, with THE best hype video content I've ever personally unleashed on the XWF airwaves. My being able to keep up now without being distracted and disheartened isn't real at all, is it Engy, and there is DEFINITELY no precedent to athletes playing worse than normal while stressing over shit going on behind the scenes. I'm wondering when it is you hit me with something piss-off-able, not easily countered and shut down. Something concrete.

It wasn't when you tried deflecting from the truth that you've been unbearable in the ego department since cheaply winning the Xtreme and King of the Ring titles by twisting it around in amateur fashion saying, "Oh what, I should've just given up?", that ain't an arguable point. It IS however the very reason both Boss Lane and The Kings took turns relinquishing your crown...because it was an embarrassment to the promotion the way King of the Ring went down. Fact. It certainly wasn't when you tried comparing two men leaving you to claim glory to my cashing in on a Universal Champion very much intending to remain on the roster BEFOREHAND, that just isn't at all a comparable situation either, that's just a desperate reach at debate. 100% positive it wasn't you saying cashing in with a 24/7 briefcase is the EASY way seeing as I earned both cases through a weeks long Lottery tournament and one hell of a 6 man rafter match at Leap of Faith...and you yourself have a case you can't POSSIBLY try to claim you won't use to cash in on someone, so...... Is it sinking in yet that your smartass snot nosed punk sassback don't ever amount to shit and you simply are NOT as clever as you think, asswipe? You ain't cool, Engy, you ain't on point. Up against me, you're the LEGITIMATE

you were only pretending to be months ago. I own you, bitch. You can't drain the thunder from that apt proclamation. I own you. As your owner I _demand_ you make a valid point! Hit me!"

”I'M JIM CAEDUS AND I'M GONNA GET REAL ANGRY AND PEDANTICALLY POINT OUT FOR AN ENTIRE PARAGRAPH OF FUCKING DIALOGUE THAT A THROW AWAY WORD ENGY USED IS THE SAME AS A WORD FROM THIS MOVIE I SAW THIS ONE TIME”.

"No, no, no...you're Engy screaming at the top of your lungs in response rage to my calmly and quietly stated fact you rip off cool shit and think no one will notice. You're pissed you can't ever squeak one past me. That's because I hate you Engy and I'd rather die than let you continue to wax legendary, intimidating and unstoppable when you ain't shit but a shady copycat cocksucker without the balls or creativity to ever make up your own awesome shit. And b-t-w, show me the other times ANYONE ever used the word "friendo" beyond or preceding No Country. Throw away word? No, stow-away word in your thieving brain you fucking hack. Get your own material or sample from shit that AIN'T remote and can't in any way be described as plagiaristic. Pussy. I don't know about pissing me off but you're damn sure doin' a damn fine job of fuckin' yourself over, ironically named Mr. Bright. Like pushing the Lyin Ass Motherfucker bit, get over it you obsessed lunatic, go stalk and assault someone's wife for my stealing your credibility while I lambaste you for waging war on quality, ya dishonorable lyin' ass motherfucker. What else you got?

How about: it's not greedy to hold onto the Xtreme strap after you earned the briefcase for holding it so long, enduring the "struggles" along the way of kicking out in 24/7 context, squashing my distracted ass and ONE. LEGIT. bout of extreme difficulty with my brother Robert Main? Nope, that don't piss me off, pretty sure I just explained why you're still a greedy prick in relaying your bullshit excuses. It also doesn't piss me off you again tried to condemn the concept of the cash-in and my "ambushing" Gabe Reno who had been shadily playing at being my friend to avoid such an occurrence to begin with and therefore deserved exactly that in response...are you saying he didn't? Are you defending the actions of a guy who isn't even ALLOWED in an XWF ring anymore, let alone to step foot in HQ? Is that what this is? Look everyone, Engy supports scheming saboteurs who piss off the boss to pink slip levels, he's a fucking traitor to the XWF! Oh, you're not a traitor? Well then you've proven you'll lie and by proxy enable the kinda douchebaggery Reno perpetrated just to make an argument...for ARGUMENT'S sake. Which is it...traitor or completely untrustworthy? Either way, you lose.

Like you lose hitting me back with "NEITHER of us can ever be wrong". Semantics. One of us is right most of the time, me. And one of us admits when he fucks up...ALSO me...WITH precedent, or did you miss the times I've recanted that Dolly wasn't 12 despite the logic that that's how her birth date info added up and admitted she was instead 13 as she so VEHEMENTLY demanded in light of not being called a fuck up who can't even keep her own age straight? How about the multiple times I admitted to fucking up and losing an important match like my rematch with Blingsteen? Yes, Engy, eat those words, boy, choke 'em down, dickwad. Not only do I disprove your every avenue of attack but I admit when I fail. You never admit to shit, you just lie...and thus far, you ain't made a single solid point.

I'll tell what does _irritate_ me though...you fucking up the same way you did with Drew, claiming I said you said something or other that, unfortunately, I didn't say. Didn't said you said what you said I said. You're wrong. You're an idiot but you won't admit it because you're pathetic. Die.

Die for your hyperbolic statements of EVERYONE is inbetween good and bad as if to say we're all gray. Well, that's just poppycock, isn't it you imbecile? You go right ahead and tell me how serial killers enter into the gray area there, genius. Enlighten us on the inherent good in someone like Jeffrey Dahmer perhaps, who from the time he was a fuckin' child with locomotive ability was chopping the heads off the neighborhood pets on up to when he was drilling holes in men's heads to turn them into his sex slaves before killing them, dismembering them and supping on dick and hand soup. Woops! On the flipside, let's discuss the humans who were so lacking of gray area allowed (or COMPLETE) darkness they gained sainthood. Ok, no luck there either, so I guess we can bring up that most people are between good and evil yet every one of them consistently leans one way or the other despite the moments of either good or evil. That all too complex to comprehend? Of course not, you'll just never admit it. Coward. Dolt.

Dolt who for some reason is acting as if the _established_ XWF99.com official site is imaginary. Dunce who says our lives don't play out on, oh, here we go again, "message boards", whatever the fuck he means by that. I beg to differ, our professional lives very MUCH play out on the internet via our promotional site as much as they do on television, it's part of the job, jag-off. For fucksake, we even have XWF99.com exclusive subscriber footage, my post Brucette rematch exploits are just ONE example...and SUBTITLED as such. Gettin' tired of tryin' to outwit me yet, nitwit?

_I_ sure am; you ain't good at it and there ain't any other bullshit you said worth bringing up with the exception of your perceived "bomb" "epiphany" that I'm insecure. How'd you gather that one, Engy? From the dozens of promos in which I myself LITERALLY said that? From the months on end I was a sad little Caedus gettin' a "Your a Fuck Up" chant from the fans?

Spoiler Alert Newsflash: Engy is in a match with Apex at War Games!!

Oh, my bad, like Engy I was only stating what everyone already knows, thinking it'll lend some amount of weight to my words. Well, I'm an idiot. Engy isn't though, no sir, not for saying I'm insecure and not for overlooking the fact my insecure ass is still KICKING ass like it _has been_ for the past year. Heh..."has been". Get used to hearing that, Dexter Bright, it'll be as inseparable in context with your name bein' dropped as Robbie's name is with Twinkie, Taco Bell and fat.

"Jim Caedus is insecure"...

...and Dexter Bright, an INCREDIBLY capable man with, regardless of the means, MANY accomplishments to be proud of on his tally sheet, including a squash win over my apparently insignificant anus...is _still_ gettin' his sac handed to him by that very. Same. Insecure. Man.

I don't give a shit if the subtext was sarcasm...you don't "love me", Dexter. You hate me. For not jerkin' you off right back in our first match promo cycle as opposed to calling you a poser. For being a human being in emotional turmoil over my one living direct family member turning his back on me and having NO patience for fake drug antics as a former addict combined with your false flattery, not "compliments". You hate me for all the times I compare how you go about argument with how Dolly Waters does it...because I'm right. You despise me for every single thing I say in defiance of your own pathetic personality. But most of all...you loathe me, Dexter. You loathe me...just for being me and (hopefully) as good as "THEY" say I am...because it takes something away from YOU every time "they" say it.

Get ready for the worst night of your life at War Games, gimp. Gonna have a whole lot more taken away from you when Apex eliminates The Motherfuckers then fights their way through to surviving the main event.

You can even write a song about it.

Douche."

::END::

"Jim Caedus, who wound up seeing he and his band of brothers in that Apex team he mentioned succeed in defeating the MFers for the record, brought to bear those very same oratory counter attack skills on live television after running for the office of presidency nearing the end of President Bright's first and only term. It was a slaughter...and Dexter Bright became the first president in American history to be impeached and executed for his dubious and anti-American actions."

"So Jim Caedus became the next president?"

"No, he stepped out of the race once he'd successfully saved the nation from President Bright, saying he had no desire for the office. He DID however recommend that all future candidates for all future elections regardless of stature now be surgically implanted with Suicide Squad head bombs sensitively rigged to explode at any involuntary biological reaction to telling a lie. It's why our country has enjoyed these last few decades known as The New Golden Age of Honesty. But...that's another lesson for another day.

Monday.

Have a great weekend kids."

::BRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIING::

::FUTURE TYPE STATIC::

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