You need to use the nuclear option.

Madison declares as she and Engy are seated in their promo strategy war room aka Madison's mini bar. An assortment of hard liquors are arrayed on the bar top, and they both have a drink in hand.

I assume your talking about Main.

Of course I'm talking about Main. There's only one true solution to fucking windbags like that. Fuckin' tosser, waxing poetic like he's some kind of inspired sociological visionary. “Church is bad!” “Bad stuff means the devil is real.” “The world is mean.” Real bleeding edge stuff there. Totally groundbreaking.

Right, he's a hack. And his hackery is stretched out over the length of five normal promos. I've covered this ground. But what's the nuclear option?

Well, you remember back when we were in Hardkore World and there was that autist motherfucker Pat Bozzini who would promo like 20 goddamn times for a dark match?

Maybe...? I dunno, I was pretty back then.

You don't remember how we used to deal with that overly verbose shit back in the good old days? You don't remember the epic parody shit we used to pull on that fart huffer?

Well, now that you mention it....

Exactly! You don't combat these knuckle draggers by trying to refute their points because they'll just keep tossing up a wall of bogus strawman arguments and blindly insist that you fear them over and over because they said so. No, you cut these bitches DEEP. You cut bone deep! Which is why, fortunately for you, I've continued funneling money into Dyson Production Studios.

Now I remember!

Who's ya girl?! And I am primed and ready to fund and film a deep dick fucking of Robert Main. There's just one teensy, tiny thing I need to discuss with you first though.

Engy puts his drink down and looks at Madison skeptically.

And that is...?

Well, it's good and bad. You see, I've got a big name actor under contract to participate in all Dyson Production Studios projects. I signed him a couple months ago.

So what's the down side?

Well, his star has taken a bit of a, shall we say, “dip” lately.

Engy's skeptical look gets even skepticalier.

Who are we talking about here?

The guy is still mad talented, despite all the bad press! Plus, his contract is iron clad and if we try to cut him loose now he could sue our asses into next year.

WHAT DID YOU DO?!

A voice sounds out from behind them.

This sounds like a job for a MASTER THESPIAN!

It's Kevin Spacey.



GOD DAMMIT MADISON!

I swear to God I signed him before all the pedophile shit came out!!

Kevin walks up to them, looking indignant.

I'm not a pedophile I'm an EPHEBOPHILE! I swear you have ONE INDESCRETION with a 14 year old and the world shits on you forever!

Kevin grabs a bottle of vodka and pours himself a shot which he promptly downs. He starts pouring another and Engy snatches the glass away.

You're a fuckin' serial molester, dude.

Oh like you have any room to judge me, you tried to chop a man's head off last month. Now let me have my drink. It helps me cope with the fact that my entire life is collapsing down on me like a....like some kind of unstable structure made of flimsy cardboard....the exact phrase escapes me right now....

Plus Kevin is really working hard at bettering himself. He's signed himself up for Mike Pence's gay conversion therapy. He's gonna knock that perversion right out of his system! Come on Engy, if the world can give you a second chance, why not Kevin?

Engy grumbles under his breath and begrudingly slides Kevin back his shot glass.

We can make this work Engy. I promise.

We better! Because my only other option is cutting an actual promo against Robert Main and I don't know if my new sanity can withstand swimming in that lake of shit again.

Well luckily for you, by the time this goes to air our production is already in the bag! So it is our esteemed pleasure to present to you all.....

Madison gestures theatrically as Kevin takes another shot and Engy glowers at him. Madison elbows Kevin who turns to the camera and also gestures theatrically.

The image fades and is replaced with....

glitter maker

We open on a beach. Front and center is Robert “The Omega Main”. Or at least it's Engy dressed as Robert Main. He's wearing a Biker's For Satan leather jacket, a cheap wig, and glued on facial hair that looks like it was hand crafted from an old man's pubes. He's waving a metal detector back and forth over the sand.

No, no, no Narration! You gotta do better than that!

Huh? What do you mean Robert “the Omega” Main?

MOAR NARRATION!

Like....like what?

Describe the sand more.

Huh? I mean, it's....it's SAND! Alright, alright, I'll give it a shot. Okay. Each grain of sand was like a universe unto itself, part of a collective whole making up a vast swath of beauty. An endless expanse of repetition with each part adding to the greatness of the whole.

There, how was that?

Not bad. Now talk about me kicking up plumes of sand as I walk in extra flowery language.

But why?

BECAUSE WE NEED TO PAD THIS SHIT OUT!

Oh for the love of....look, this is a WRESTLING PROMO, not James Joyce's ULYSSES!

PAD. THIS. SHIT.

**Sigh** Fine. Robert's feet cut a path through the sand, a very evil and wicked path. A path of sorrow and damnation and despair. You almost expect the sand to turn black in his wake because Robert is so evil. Evil like Satan.

If you're not gonna take this shit seriously.....

Oh look, there's your demonic lord and master now. Hail Satan.

No but really, Kevin Spacey enters stage right wearing cheap light up devil horns and a red suit.

Ah, Robert Main, my most fiendish minion! What are you doing on this beach, waving this device about?

Master! There you are! I feared you had forsaken me! You have not shown up in my last two promo's and I thought perhaps you had departed.

Fear not, I have no left you. I'm just a busy man, having to divide my time between Drake and Unknown Soldier, and Engy and all the other people who do your gimmick way more interestingly than you do.

Ah. Well master, I am hard at work searching for a device of foul and fiendish power. It is called the Dikbutt box.

Mmmmmm, yes, I know it well. It is said to contain a demon whose fiendish wiles have brought down civilizations since the dawn of time. Arcane lore has it that it alone was truly responsible for the destruction of Atlantis, the devastation of Pompeii, the fall of the Roman Empire, and the career of Chris Chaos. All equally awful and loathsome outcomes. But unfortunately, the magic that possesses it is so powerful that it's current location is hidden even from me.

My child, let me help you find this thing so we can unleash it's terrible, world altering nature and then never reference it ever again.

The Devil looks pointedly at the camera.

Ah HA HEM!

Oh for the love of....THE DEVIL LOOKS POINTEDLY AT THE CAMERA! His eyes deep swirling pools of malevolent energy. You could almost fall into those eyes of darkness and surely be torn asunder by the might of their vicious energies. The Devil's horns blink in alternating fashion, left-right-left-right. A hypnotic dance of darkness, like the horns are yelling at each other, competing to shout at one another over which horn is worse, left or right. But they are both bad. Really, really bad. Because they are attached to the baddest head in the universe. The Devil's head.

Hey, I'm really getting the hang of all this vapid, overwrought narration.

I knew you could do it. And speaking of vapid and overwrought, let me talk about the Engineer for five hours.

Engy, your fate is sealed! I know you are afraid of me! Quivering in your boots. Nervously awaiting our match next week. Fearing that doom is coming. Oh and it is coming! And you can't stop it! It's like a freight train barreling down on you! You scream in terror and throw your arms up but that can't even save you. Nothing will! I am Robert “the Omega” Main! Do you know what Omega stands for? It stands for your end! The end of your Xtreme title reign. The end of your lies and deceit. I am a bad man Engy. A very bad man! And even when you're at the end, begging me to take your title and leave I may not stop beating you. Beating you bloody and senseless and then beating you some more just because I represent all that is bad about the world! Did I mention I am a bad man? I'm a bad man!So bad that I will be in every nightmare you ever have until the day you die, pissing and screaming in your bed and trying to run from the memory of me. But you'll never escape no matter how fast or how hard you run. You can never run fast enough! Not even a marathon runner could run fast enough. It'll never be enough! I'll always be on your heels, breathing down your neck. You can beg, oh how you can beg! But begging doesn't work on the Devil's greatest child. I am immune to your pleas! They fall on deaf ears! I cannot hear your screams as I cast you into the void to flail and fall forever in darkness! How does that sound Engy? Are you terrified yet? Frightened? It's just getting started! Your eternal nightmare doesn't end with you losing your title, it's just beginning! Maybe I should call myself the Alpha too, because it's just beginning! Ha, wouldn't that be fun!

Robert pumps his fist into the air excitedly.

Wow master, you were right! Promoing is SO EASY when you just shut your mind off and blather out a series of pointless self aggrandizing cliche's! Master....? Master....?

The devil is off oogling some young men playing shirtless volleyball. He's sticking his tongue into his cheek, making a crude oral sex gesture as he tries to entice them. They mostly just look really skeeved out.

God dammit Master.

LATER....

Robert and the Devil are in a grand and opulent church. The light from the stained glass windows catch the dust particles in this ancient building, making the whole scene look strangely beautiful and supernatural. The pews are arrayed like grim soldiers standing at attention, ready to pay homage to the false soothsayer at the front of the church. This is actually sounding better than any of the narration from any Robert Main promo.

Okay my son, if we are going to find the Dikbutt box, the trail begins and ends here. The dark rites that we conducted off camera to save a few bucks point to the clergy in this very church knowing the location of that which we seek.

Robert starts rolling up his sleeves, revealing coiled muscles beneath hairy arms. And a Betty Boop tattoo.

I can't wait to beat the fuck out of this priest to show what an evil badass I am.

Oh no my son. You think thats all it will take to stand apart from the pack? I mean, Chris Chaos literally murdered an entire park full of homeless people to show how “dark and chaotic” he was. I don't think roughing up a priest is going to cut it. You need to step up your game.

Of course you're right! How foolish of me to think that beating up the weak and helpless would give me heel cred when literally every other heel has done that. I need to think outside the box, I need to....

Well, I was thinking you just beat up more priests.

The devil leads Main to the front of the church, where, previously obscured by all the pews, there are like 50 priests bound and gagged around the altar.

Fuuuuck yeah. Time to monologue again as I commit multiple felonies.

Robert rips the duct tape off the mouth of the first priest. The poor man starts to stutter out a plaintive plea, but before he can even begin Main kicks him in the face. The main howls in pain.

Eugh, that hurt! You didn't even ask me any questions about the Dikbutt box! I mean, I'm just saying, hypothetically if I could pinpoint it's exact location to mitigate this beating I might be willing to....wait, wait, WAIT!

Main kicks the priest into submission, rendering him unconscious.

Where is your God now Engy? You want to pray to him for mercy for these poor bastards? You want to stay their execution at the hands of The Omega? Ha, your prayers are just as worthless as your promos! I mean granted, this is a pretty position for me to take considering I already filmed this before you even saw it rendering any aid you could have given totally moot, but still! I need to get myself over common sense be damned! Your God is as dead and as hollow as you, a figment of the imagination of people who are as weak and powerless in the face of the Omega as you are! You want to pray out to him for mercy, for help, for assistance? Or maybe just for help finding a thesaurus to come up with any number of additional synonyms to drag this train wreck of a promo out?

Main rips the duct tape off another priest's mouth.

I know where the Dikbutt box is! I can tell you exactly where to go! Please don't hurt me!

Main headbutts the priest in the skull, rendering him unconscious as well.

You want to tell me all about your sob stories? You chronicle the horrific abuse you suffered like I'm supposed to care? Hah! I'M STILL THE SCARIEST THING YOU WILL EVER FACE! Me and these bloated, hyperbolic, trash fire promo's are definitely worse than the mind numbing terror of knowing that the people who were supposed to love and care for you made you turn tricks for some hick death cult at the drop of a hat.

But what do I know about suffering! By my own admission my childhood was great! In fact, the only thing that made me sell my soul was losing the Hart championship and wanting to crawl my way back up to the upper mid card before failing to break through to the real main event. So I guess, in that sense, I signed a contract with Satan with all the careful regard of a housewife signing up for a Bon-Ton credit card. Oooops!

Main pulls the tape off another priest. This one is pretty pissed.

Look! Every single one of us knows where the Dikbutt box is you colossal fucking moron! But you won't let any of us speak. I KNOW WHERE IT IS!

CHRISTIANITY IS A LIE BUILT ON A FOUNDATION OF CORPSES!

Oh for Christ sakes....

Main mounts this priest and punches him into submission. He finally, breathlessly, pulls himself to a standing position. He casts his gaze about, looking for his master. But the devil is not where he was before.

Master, none of these guys are talking, what should I....

The devil has a nubile young alter boy pressed up against the sacred tabernacle. The boy gulps as Lucifer starts to stick his hand up the young man's frock.

God dammit Master.

More Laterz...

We have done it my child, the Dikbutt box is within reach! And I should have guessed it would be in a place with such a long history of horrific misery.

I know, right! These very grounds have been a repository of terror and bloodshed for ages! First it was a ritual site of Indian sacrifice! And then it was the location of a mass execution during the Revolutionary War. After that, it was a haunted farm house chock full of evil spirits! And then it was a paper factory, which was mostly okay. And then another haunted house! And now....

Robert and the Devil look across the street at this sight.



Truly the most insidious incarnation yet! Let's make haste, Robert.

The Devil and Robert Main dutifully wait for the crossing light to change to the little white walking man before venturing across the street. Main is pulling a jackhammer behind him, allowing the blade to drag along the pavement leaving gouges in his wake. They enter the Applebees, and are met by a sunny hostess.

Hey ya'all, welcome to Applebees! Just the two of ya?

Yes, but we won't be needing a table. We're just here to unearth an evil artifact with a primordial demon inside.

The hostess licks her lips and laughs nervously.

Well I don't know nothin' about all that, but would ya like to try one of our new 2 for $25 deals?

Ma'am, we are not here for your mass produced reheated cuisine.

Suddenly, the hostesses eyes turn blood red and her mouth distends, revealing a yawning chasm of razor sharp teeth! She leaps atop the hostess' podium and unleashes an ear splitting demonic shriek!

Holy SHIT!

YOU SHALL NOT HAVE THE DIKBUTT BOX! IT IS OUR PRECIOUS!

GO! ROBERT GO!

The Devil pushes Robert ahead, urging him onwards. He then removes an amulet and presses it to the hostess' head. The hostess screams as the flesh on her forehead begins to simmer and smoke! She falls ass over tea kettle off the podium.

Robert, frantically dragging the jackhammer into the dining area, hefts it up and turns it on. A slew of college age servers spill out from the kitchen. They start peeling the flair off their name tags and hurling it at Robert! Main cries out and throws his arms up against the barrage of cheap plastic tags.

HELP ME MASTER!

The devil stands in front of Robert, brandishing his amulet and growling.

STAND DOWN! IN THE NAME OF THE FALLEN LIGHTBRINGER, THE ANGEL LUCIFER!

The servers all recoil, hissing and spitting in impotent rage. One of the servers is a particularly good looking young man. The devil smiles as he catches his eye.

And I'll be seeing YOU later. Hurry Robert, I don't know how long I can hold them off!

Robert positions the jack hammer and starts tearing up the floor. Chunks of cheap carpeting and cement start flying everywhere as the Devil pushes the servers back into the kitchen! Main, his face a mask of grim determination, continues pounding away at the floor, kicking up a miasma of dust. Lower and lower he plunges, until finally, when he is waist deep in the floor, a glint catches his eye!

Could it be....?

He shuts the jackhammer off and reaches down, bringing up a smooth obsidian box. He tosses it out of the hole and clambers out awkwardly. Marveling at the box, his finger tips trace it's exterior looking for an entry point. Finally, his thumb catches on a barely perceptible ovoid shaped inset. He breathes deep, betraying more than a hint of trepidation. Closing his eyes tight, he presses down on the inset.



HOLY GREAT BALLS OF PANTS SHITTING TAP DANCING FUCK! EXAGERRATED REACTION!!!!! EXCLAMATION POINT!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

The entire world abruptly cuts to black!

BUT STAY TUNED FOR A SNEAK PEEK AT OUR NEXT PROMO PARODY PRODUCTION....



The shot opens on all those loveable scamps from Stranger Things sitting around the table playing Dungeons and Dragons!

Finn: You enter the portal room. The air is thick with the stench of rot and decay! Before you is a stone archway, it's the portal to the Netherworld! And it looks like something s coming through!

Gaten: Is it the Demogorgon?!

Caleb: Is it the Mind Flayer?!

Finn: Worse! It's ROBERT MAIN! He casts “Really Boring Promo”, roll fortitude saves against SLEEP!

Noah: Oh, not this corny ass motherfucker!

Noah saying it makes it extra funny because he seems like the least likely one to say it.

Gaten: I FAILED MY SAVE!

Suddenly, Kevin Spacey rises up behind Finn Wolfhard. He starts massaging his shoulders. All the kids look on with disgust.

Finn: **Gulp**

Sooooo, any of you strapping young lads interested in going to a grown up party?

Engy races into the scene, looking frantic.

RUN KIDS, IT'S KEVIN SPACEY!

The Stranger Things kids bail in a hurry! Kevin wheels around on Engy, looking right pissed off.

You've been cock blocking me all damn day and I've about had....

Engy cuts him off by superkicking him in the face! Kevin is instantly knocked the fuck out. He falls forward onto the table, causing it tobreak in half and scattering character sheets and D&D mini's everywhere. Madison walks into the scene.

Did you seriously just superkick Kevin Spacey?

I didn't even know I could get my leg to go that high until just now. It was like the mother with her kid under the car wreck thing.

Finn (off screen): Thanks Engy!

No problem. If you could get us Season 3 before next October that would be swell.

Engy casts one last disdainful look at Kevin Spacey before turning to Madison.

Hey, you caught a shot of me kicking his face off, right? I can use that.

Use it for what? Ya know, I'm starting to seriously feel like there's something you're not telling me. Spill it, what are you planning?

Well actually there's something I'm not telling everyone. Until my next promo that is!

He turns back to the camera with a shit eating grin.

So make sure you tune in in a few days for my BOMBSHELL announcement. It's gotta be more entertaining then anything Robert Main puts out, right?

And thus, we finally draw to a close. We're gonna forego the static this time so I can squeeze a bit more mileage out of all the funny Dick Butt memes I found.