Walk into the locker room, like whaddup, I got a big cock. Just kidding, I'm just pumped to be here, and to be seen. Do you know how hard it is to be seen when you don't leave your house? I can tell ya how many times someone besides the post man noticed me. It was once, when the neighbors called the cops because they thought I was dead. That was a hoot. I brought them in and showed them my apartment, and my bearded dragon, Mike. Mike's a little lonely, he needs a new friend, and I might be inclined to buy him a new friend, if this thing pans out for me and I get to keep my job. I'd really hate to have to go back to cleaning potatoes. That's a mess of a job, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Those potatoes get slippery, and they go flying out your hands, and on one occasion have conked an old lady in the face. I guess that's what I get for trying to clean a potato in the women's room, and I'm taking a dump. You can do one of those things at a time, and anyone who says otherwise must be a goddang wizard. I'm not here to split hairs on the potato anus debate, though. That's for someone else to figure out, someone who maybe has better luck than I do.

I'm here to tell you all about my egg wetting time as a wrestler. Can you feel the excitement? Because I can, and it's delicious. I know what some of you are thinking? How can I wrestle with this ridiculous helmet on my head? And to that I say, I'm not sure. But I'm gonna give it my best shot, and my best shot is all I can do. I'm sure it'll be easy for people to surround me, or sneak up on me, but I have a plan in place. I'm going to keep Mike on my head at all times, and if someone tries to sneak up on me, he'll emit a high pitched screeching like a dragon does. This way, I'll have full 120 degree vision, just like god intended. I checked the rules, and nowhere does it say I cannot compete with a dragon on my head. Which is excellent because I intend to do that. Did I tell you about Mike, yet? Because he's pretty awesome. Cone on over, and we'll check him out together.

I grab the camera man and pull him over to the tank where Mike hangs out. He's sleeping right now, which you can tell because he's not moving, even when I poke him with a stick. It's the poking stick, it's sole purpose is to poke Mike when he's sleeping. I pull him out and hold him directly under the camera, so they can see him.

I think he's dead.

This is very shocking to me. Mike isn't dead, how could you assume he's dead? Dragons don't die, and Mike is a dragon.

Mike is sleeping. Dragons can't die. He'll be awake and ready when he rests on my heady, and helps me see the enemies trying to sneak up on me. And then, he'll screech and I'll turn around and punch them in the mouth. Because Mike is a good dragon that alerts me to things. Why do you hate Mike?

This must have confused the camera man, because he paused for a minute before answering.

I don't hate Mike, I don't know Mike.

Mike opens his eyes, and makes a hissing noise before running up my arm.

Apologize to Mike,he's a good dragon. And even if he's a baby now, he'll grow more powerful and help me conquer Westeros soon.

His jaw about hits the floor when I said that. I don't know if he expected this, but there it is, laid out for everyone to hear. I'm going to use my Dragon to conquer Westeros.

You know Westeros isn't real, right? It's from Game of Thrones.

I throw my head back and laugh.

Of course. Why would you think that I wouldn't?

I don't think the cameraman knows how to answer.

Do you wanna talk about your match coming up?

Who am I facing?

You don't even know you're facing? Do you know when the pay per view is?

Nope. Should I?

Yeah, you probably should. Considering it's your debut.

Well, whatever. Fill me in on the info. I gotta put Mike back.

I walk back to Mike's tank, and set him in it. I drop a few crickets in it with him, and throw Lettuce down on top of Mike.

Dragons need lettuce and shit. They can't survive off of crickets alone.

Nice to know. I have cats, not lizards. Do you wanna talk about your match yet?

I still don't even know when it is, or who it's against. So no.