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The Engineer · (09-27-2017)

The Engineer is missing. And naturally, Madison Dyson, as the world's greatest manager and legal guardian par excellence, is absolutely fucking RABID about finding him.

Mmmmm.....yeah, right between the shoulder blades. Yessss, very good. Can't have me looking like a wall jumper now, can we?

Probably right after she finishes sun bathing. Because that's what she's doing. Madison is face down in a lawn chair poolside, wearing a tasteful but not exactly comprehensive bikini. Next to her, homosexual conservative gadfly and Nambla apologist Milo Yiannopoulos is also soaking up the sun's rays, holding one of those silver reflective things and wearing a red, white and blue speedo. Madison is currently being tended to by, well, a guy who looks like this....

[Image: Mario-Lopez-lovehinagurl44-34535628-370-370.jpg]

[Image: Mario-Lopez-lovehinagurl44-34535628-370-370.jpg]

....as he rubs suntan lotion all over Madison's body. Madison quivers with delight at his touch.

Very good sweetheart, very good. Okay now run along, but remember our five o'clock. I will expect you in my bed, nude, fully erect and prepared to give my ass the pounding of a lifetime. Have you been studying that book I gave you?

Mein Kampf? Yes ma'am!

Right. I will ask that you recite the highlighted section in it's entirety as you thoroughly exhaust my bleached orifice. Understood?

Yes ma'am!

Madison bids him adieu and he scampers off. Milo leans over to watch him go.

The hell with quarters, you could bounce a mason jar filled with cement off that ass. God damn! You know though, he really does look like that Big Kahuna guy.

I don't see the resemblance.

Got turned down, huh?

Tape broken glass to your hand and fist fuck yourself.

Milo smirks and lays back down.

How's the search for Engy going?

Are you judging me? Because it kind of sounds like you're judging me.

I'm not judging, I just thought you might be a little more....concerned?

Madison sits up now. She removes her obnoxiously huge bug eye sunglasses and glowers at Milo.

Look, I know Engy better than any other person on the planet. This is the exact same shit he's been pulling for years. He gets pissed off about something, goes on a drug induced bender in some Eastern European shithole somewhere, hopefully covers up the evidence of strangling some former Soviet Block piece of Eurotrash crack whore well enough to leave the country before facing international extradition for murder, and then shows up back at my doorstop having forgotten the whole thing and asking for some Candy Corn. Yes, fucking candy corn. Because no one is surprised that that mutant is the only person on God's green Earth who eats that shit. However, I have been informed that he showed up at Ghost Tank's godawful Punjabi Prison Shove-It, but my brain flat out rejected the notion of a show that shitty being something XWF would actually spend money on so I never showed up.

Huh. Good job.

Glass. Fist fucking. Etcetera.

Madison turns over and replaces her sun glasses.

He'll be fine. He will show up on my doorstep any minute now. It's Mercy I'm more worried about. Turns out she's even more crazy than the last time I worked with her. Which is really saying a metric fuck ton of a lot.

How so?

Well, she kind of has this weird surgical addiction thing going on. Serious body dysmorphic disorder. Eventually she had so many back alley operations she got this raging infection that basically made all of her blood poison and they ended up having to scoop her uterus and other nonessentials out. But she never got over the whole “not being able to be a mother” thing and yesterday I caught her talking about going to a PTA meeting for one of Engy's Elmo dolls.

Yikes.

I know, right? I'm sure it'll be fine though. It's stressful though, I've got a lot on my plate.

Which makes it all the more surprising that you'd agree to a match with....

Madison shoots bolt upright in her chair, her sunglasses get knocked off her face and tumble into her lap.

Fffffffffuuuuuuck......

Did you seriously forget?

No, but I have to cut an emergency last minute promo against Cassidy Lane for unrelated reasons. Milo, go in the house.

But Mercy's in there and she creeps me out!

Milo glances back at the house and sees that Mercy's unsettling masked visage is glowering at him from one of the rear windows. Milo shudders and turns back around.

I think I'll just call it a day.

Suit yourself.

Milo picks up his towel and his sun shield and walks out of camera range. Madison slumps her shoulders and sighs.

I honestly cannot remember why the fuck I agreed to this. Even worse, I probably don't even need to cut any material for this match considering that you've probably already written off your contract as a passing fancy and are presently passed out face down in a Thai rent boy's ass crack after you yourself also forgot about this match aaaaaaand I JUST REMEMBERED!

Madison perks up, now giving the camera her complete and unwavering attention.

I remember why I agreed to this. It was to prove a point about the caliber of new talent coming into XWF. Because it turns out that being an utterly lackluster XWF virgin is not limited to the female gender. No, no, no! The men also have a roughly 97.5% chance of not even being worth the ink used to sign their contracts. I mean, that is if Vinnie even bothers to have you fucks sign contracts anymore. If I were him, I wouldn't even bother. Most of you are out the door again within two weeks after you realize that wrestling is haaaaard.

Madison punctuates the word “hard” with a whiny prepubescent bitch boy accent.

Seriously though, we get like 20 new sign-ups a week and how many of them end up being worth a damn? I mean sure, every once in a while you'll get a guy worth paying attention to like Engy or Neville Sinclair, but by and large you newbs suck the sweat off a pair of geriatric balls. Remember Kruzer and Tommy Dreamer and their gay ass faction who came in looking to light the world on fire? They even capped off King of the Ring by attacking the Universal Champion and literally the whole fucking fed no sold it because of how lame they were. Kruzer was then so incensed at no one giving a shit that he proceeded to get throat fucked by a palsy and bailed.

So yeah, you'll have to forgive me when some doughy wastrel like you shows up with some milquetoast “I'm funny but not in an offensive way because I want to pawn overpriced merch off on kiddies and housewives” gimmick and I don't expect much. And so far, my expectation seems to be paying dividends. Because after showing up and talking some bland shit on the XWF message boards for a couple weeks you appear to have slipped off the face of the Earth. Color me SHOCKED.

So what was it Cassidy? Did you catch a glimpse of the absolute career apocalypse that was awaiting you if you stayed here? Did you see the Rogues Gallery of perverts, addicts and murderers waiting to turn your virgin throat into their own personal jizz dumpster? Did you just flat out realize that there was no good goddamn way you were going to be able to hack it in this brick shit house of brutality and mental illness?

In other words, did you bitch out?. I don't blame you. Not really. It takes a hard motherfucker to survive in this hell hole. And I guess bitching out and running is a smarter alternative then walking face first into complete career suicide like Kruzer did. But don't think I won't call you on it.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Half the game is making people care. Have you made people care? Have you made people stand up and take notice? Survey says “no”. Hell son, I didn't even care enough about our match until this very moment.

Milo calls out “Knew it!” from off camera. Madison flicks him off.

So until you give me further notice, this is the most attention you're prying out of me. Nut up. Show up. And fuck people up. And if you can't?

Go ahead and GIVE UP.

It's ok. I give you permission. Your contract was probably in invisible ink anyway. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to get my cornhole thoroughly REAMED by AC Slater. Adieu, loser.

Silence speaks volumes newbie. Crank up the decibels.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Kahuna Slays Madison's Fine Ass. Also, a promo.
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