We open on a close up of Madison Dyson. And she looks PISSED!

When I entered this tag team tournament with Engy, I expected a lot of things. Beating up people who can't hack it in singles competition. Blind tags. Shenanigans. Peter Gilmour whining like a blubbery piss boy because he lost again. But one thing I did NOT count on was being ENRAGED on behalf of some of my fellow Americans.

I am talking, of course, about the “R word”.

She takes a moment to collect herself.

Yes, “ .” Now, as a former doctor Guppy, you of all people should know the vile history of that word. A word used back in the day when the differently abled, yes I said DIFFERENTLY ABLED, were locked away in filthy shithouses and forced to sleep in beds padded by mounds of dead fleas and the sloughed off skin of the ten last poor bastards who died on that mattress. So for you to so callously mock the differently abled like that, and to have your butt boy Skully pretend that he has a disability....it's just....just...inconceivable!

So, I'm here today to give you two assholes a taste of what it's really like to deal with a disability. I'm broadcasting from Fellows, Inc, a not for profit that tries to help the differently abled.

Engy pokes his head into the shot, eclipsing Madison's face. He is wearing a Batman mask.

I'm Batman!

The shot pans back to reveal that Madison and Engy are standing in a hallway in front of a bathroom. Various doors line the hall, and from within some of the rooms come the distinctive sounding voices of people who are, erm, “differently abled”. Engy goes back to the mirror in the bathroom, flourishing his cape and hitting Madison with it in the process. Turns out he's not just wearing the mask, but the entire suit, complete with Schumacher era nipples and sculpted ass.

So that's what you were doing in there, huh?

Engy stares intently into the mirror, and he begins aping Christian Bale's gravely Batman voice.

I'm BATMAN! I AM Batman! I'm Batman! I AM batman. Madison, which one sounds like it would strike the most fear in the hearts of evil?

Why are you Batman?

If Guppy gets to be Batman for no goddamn reason then so do I!

Engy turns back to the mirror to continue practicing his Batman voice. Madison sighs and then, realizing she is still very much on camera turns it into a chuckle.

Oooohhhhh you! Heh heh. You know, despite some good natured ribbing I might give him from time to time, I take my role as Engy's guardian very seriously. His disability makes him largely unable to function in everyday life. Why, if I didn't take my role so seriously he would have seriously injured himself countless times from trying to stick his dick in a light socket, or trying to stick his dick in the trash compactor, or trying to stick his dick in a pot of boiling water. Point is, he likes to stick his dick in things and it's just not safe.

But that's the reality of having a disability and it's not funny! It is a world of constant confusion, and pain, and genital mutilation. Here, I'll show you.

Madison takes a stroll down the hallway and stops at the first door. We take a peek inside and see a number of tables about, each one has two or three people with disabilities on it, hunched over and working on....something.

In here is the closest thing the differently abled can get to having a job. They work 2 to 3 hours a day, with a break for lunch and another two breaks for tinkles and doo-doo's, creating those little plastic replica football helmets your kids get out of the quarter machine. Never will they know the benefit of working an 8 hour day working on an Excel spreadsheet for $10 an hour minus lunch and breaks to meet around the water cooler and gossip about how slutty that skirt makes Barb look today. No, day in and day out it is the constant monotony of putting Packers logo's on cheap Chinese trinkets for screaming shitheel brats being dragged out of the grocery store.

Let's talk to one of them now.

Madison pulls up a seat next to a middle aged man.

What's your name little guy?

Petey! Hey, you're pretty!

Madison slides her chair back a bit.

Gee thanks! So what have you got there?

It's a football helmet! We put stickers on them and then put them in the boxes over there and then we get cookies.

That sounds AWFUL!

....huh?

I mean, doesn't the banality of your existence ever make you want to be sad?

Petey looks around confused before responding.

Did you say “anal”?

No! I said, ban-you know what, nevermind....

Jerry has old VHS tapes with pretty girls like you on the front that says Anal Amazons. What's anal?

Madison closes her eyes, grimaces, and gets up. In the background, we see Engy run past the doorway, flaring his Bat cape like he's trying to take flight. Madison walks out of the room.

Pretty awful right? But that's the daily inescapable reality for these people. Oh, here's another one! Let's ask her about the bottomless abyss that is her existence.

A young woman with the characteristic features of Down's syndrome is in the hallway running a vacuum cleaner over the carpets. Madison comes up to her, her back stiff and her expression stretched like maybe she thinks she might catch the Downs.

It's not airborne, right?

What?

Nothing! So you vacuum here huh?

The girl smiles proudly.

I vacuum here everyday!

And do they even pay you to do this?

Uh huh. I get $7.50 an hour and I get to take home all the extra pastries from the cooking class at the end of the day.

Mother of God! How do they expect you to live on that?!

I live in a group home. I am ok.

A “group home”? I thought they outlawed that shit! How many people have died in your bed?

The girl looks confused. Madison turns to the camera.

So yuk it up you busted fuck knuckles! This is what you're mocking! This poor girl fritters her life away vacuuming drool up off the floor and pining for half baked cupcakes that will probably just give her food poisoning.

Slowly, Sarah McLachlan's “In the Arms of the Angels” starts to play in the background. Madison clasps her hands together.



Can you imagine an existence so devoid of meaning, where something as simple as the knobs on a stove or shoelaces cause you daily heartache? Where nothing makes sense, and you cannot find a shred of purpose or real happiness anywhere?

Can you imagine being so retar-disabled that you have to be shown how to wipe your own ass every day? Can you imagine?


The screen is taken over by slow motion images of people with various disables as the Sarah McLachlan song continues to play in the background. Madison continues to speak.

Every day the differently abled in this country wake up only to wish they hadn't. They pray for death to come, and for some, it will. But for others, it can never come fast enough. When every day is a reminder of your own futility, and you curse your parents for not having done the humane thing and aborted you.

Bilbo Blommer Blumpkinz appears in the montage of disabled people.

So you see Guppy and Scully, this is no laughing matter. These are the pathetic, miserable lives of millions of Americans. Americans who have had the choice to be normal,functional, contributing members of society stripped from them by a cruel twist of fate, not by some contrived plot device in a syringe. But you guys go ahead and keep laughing...

The montage slowly fades out, leaving Madison standing next to the vacuuming girl with Down syndrome and Engy, still in his Bat Suit, who is looking for the on switch to the vacuum. Madison startles, and drops the bottle of fake tears she was applying to the corner of her eyes. She makes a show of wiping the tears away.

...but me? I'll keep fighting to defend the good name of these wretched, miserable, forgotten people. **chokes** It just...it just breaks my heart.

Madison buries her head in her hands and surreptitiously bends down to pick up the bottle of fake tears again. Engy claps Madison on the back.

It's ok. Batman's here. And because I'm the world's greatest crime fighter, I vow to fight wherever it rears it's evil head! NO ONE WILL BE SAD EVER AGAIN!

Actually, I'm pretty happy.

**Dabbing at fake tears**No you're not.

The vacuum girl screw faces Madison.

You're kind of a cunt.

Engy dives toward the nearest window.

beware, the dark knight is on the case!

He crashes through the window, sending glass flying all over the carpet this girl just vacuumed.

We're on the third floor.

I know...I know....

Madison and the vacuuming girl look at each other for a series of awkward protracted seconds. The girl then flicks on the vacuum and starts vacuuming up the glass.

End!