John Madison types his 20 thousandth word of the day and exits the word document. John needed to blow off the writing fatigue that was setting in with a fine-ass bottle of Johnnie Walker. As John is about to put his lips to the bottle we hears someone knocking at the front door of his mansion that is almost as lavish as Peter Gilmour's. Of course, that doesn't stop him from boozing up before he tips the bottle over on his coffee table before running to the door.

"OW FUCK!"

Along the way, John totally forgot that he spent all night getting stoned and building his new Lego Bat Cave set. He plants his foot directly into the middle of that shit, and gets Harley Quinn's plastic asshole lodged in his heel.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

John pulls out his bear knife and digs out the Lego piece.

"I've had it!

"No one appreciates how good I am around here, just like no on appreciates how great our president is making America again! I'm gonna have to do it. I need my visitor, my little blanket."

John closes his eyes and walks to the edge of his bed. He slowly lowers his chin and opens his eyes as he pulls out a gold key with a crown shape at the bow. He slides the key in a sexual manner into a sock drawer and pulls out a Kevin Bacon sock puppet.

"I need to call him now. Let me concentrate."

He begins to put the sock over his right hand but recalls that the ceremony calls for the left hand! John gets frustrated for a second time in the very early going of this promo, but he regains his composure as he looks down at the sock again. John then takes another look into the sock cabinet. He pulls out a picture of him and Luca Arzegotti when they took coke and went fishing and swimming at the lake together. It got late before they realized how much fun they were having, so John got out his sleeping bag and they drank milk together by a campfire.

"I miss those days. I'm gonna miss Luca too. We always had each other's backs."

John holds the picture up with his sock hand. He pulls out a match, strikes it, and holds it next to the picture of him and Luca.

"It's time to let you go. Thank you for your service."

John sets the corner of the picture on fire and watches it burn.

"Wait... no!"

John has a change of heart and begins to extinguish the flames with his bare hands!

"I'm sorry, Luca! It's ok, I have that picture saved to my kitchen computer anyhow. Alright, let's forget Luca because I only need one person right now."

John rubs his balls three times with the sock puppet.

"Through this sock I call your name. Cadryn The Jester, come to thine aid!"

We expect for Cadryn to make another graceful entrance but instead he gets shots through the window like an American torpedo getting shot into a Russian sub with Hillary inside. Cadryn ends up putt a crater on the front of Maddy's fridge.

"What happened? I thought we settled on the previous entrance where I float to the ground by a parachute..."

"This is urgent, Caderella."

"Ok. What is it?"

"I need you to clean my house. I invited Steve Sayors over and we are going to answer all of the questions that the American people have for me. I'm declaring this week to be MAGAWEEK. No speaking of foreigners, just Americans, for the American people and the American spirit."

"I see. Well, it shouldn't be a problem. I'll get this place straightened up in no time."

"Hey, question..."

"Yeah?"

"Do you do sensual body rubs?"

"I-"

"Just kidding, clean up this shithole. It needs to look professional and patriotic."

"You got it, King Madison."

"EMPEROR God King Madison."

"Yes, Emperor God King Madison."

"Cool, I'm going to leave one more puddle of piss to clean up, and then I'll be in naked in my bed. Come and get me."

"Alright, I'll just give your door a light tap and let you know when it's time."

"Damn Caderella, I need to jerk off. Will you stand there just like that while I do it?"

"I should really start cleaning though. Your place is disgusting."

"Oh right. Sorry, go ahead. Another time. Another time."



We have Cadryn impersonating Steve Sayors to interview John Madison. The studded choke collar looks amazing on Cadryn-- I mean, Steve Sayors.

"Hi, I'm Steve Sayors, thank you for having me John. It is an honor to be interviewing the Emperor God King Madison. Your lavish mansion. It's so lavish. I've been inside of many mansions but none of them come close. AH WAIT! Peter."

"Peter's mansion is a remarkable. I've slept over with them so many times and we have so much fun. We listen to his Death Metal for hours, mostly In This Moment videos. Peter then gets his guitar out and he plays it for me and Maria Brink while we just chill on the couch and drink wine. Peter has such remarkable talent in and out of the ring. Have you ever seen him perform his electric guitar solos?"

"I haven't had the privilege to YET. I need to make an appointment. Is that possible? Does Peter have a booking agent that I can contact for this private show?"

"Give me your business card after the interview, Steve Sayors. I'll make sure Peter's agent gets back to you, Steve."

"Ok. So moving on, my EGK, what's been going through your mind after having your story released of your American heroism? Patriotism!"

"It's every bit true. The Kings ™ really are heroes and not much is known about the mission that we were on in Russia but, even though it had some rough patches; in the end it was a successful mission. The Kings ™ is beyond pro wrestling at this point. In fact, let me correct that statement. The Kings ™ was too big for wrestling from the get go. But it's a fun platform for us to use in order bring peace of mind to the American people. We love America, Caderella. Say it!"

"We love America!! By the way, my name is Steve. Dick!"

"John, you've been getting attacked at shows. The toll that it must have on your body. It must bring so much pain that you can't bare to come out and mention how you're feeling?"

"You hit the nail right on the head, Steve. I had a very traumatic experience. It was unfair the way that I was treated on my homecoming. Nobody bothered to roll out the red carpet. And none of my opponents bothered to come shake my hand. That alone makes them all trash. I am the Emperor God King, they should be lining up at my door thanking me for even accepting this match.

"Look, I didn't have to be in this match, Steve. But I wanted to do it for the American people. Because the more that I am showcased, the more that we can make America great. Sadly, I couldn't be showcased much lately because of the attacks by those thugs. I don't even know their names. One is named after a very dark, scavenger type bird. A very criminal sounding name. What was it, Steve?"

"James Raven..."

"Oh God, I don't even want to hear the name. It's repulsive. It's so unAmerican and this is a safe environment for positive American thoughts only.

"Look, this match is important. I don't want to think of the fucking bird right now. I'll deal with that pest in the ring. This promo is for America, it's not for James Raven."

"You've got it, sir. So there's a lot riding on this match, isn't there? You must be nervous. This is seriously the most appropriate name that we've had for an event in quite a while. The stakes and my dick has never been higher."

"The Kings ™ will always have 100% control, Steve. That's why you made the right decision when you aligned with us. A lot is at stake here so I'm gonna go with the tactics that I know best. That means that I look forward to distracting James Raven while a stronger man like John Samuels puts down the weak link Jonathyn Brown for the three count. That is my strategy, Steve. And I don't hide it, never have. It's out there in the open. I am nothing but a distraction. But it's for a greater purpose; to make America Great Again.

"Wow, that was a remarkable speech, John. Really hits home with me and everyone at home."

"Thank you, Caderella. I appreciate the professionalism that you've shown for this interview. It's very rare to find that quality in journalism. But if you don't mind, I'm going to go lay down and take a nap. I'm very tired and I need to make sure I'm well rested for my match."