[center]

“Hey dude! I’m glad you’re here. I need to show you something.”

“How the fuck did you get in my trailer...Vinnie?”

“While I am a fat, blonde, loser who speaks like a and doesn’t deserve to be sharing the same oxygen as you, for legal reasons I cannot say that I am Vinnie Lane. Dude.”

“That only slightly reduces the chance of me splitting your skull in two on the edge of the countertop. What the fuck do you want and how’d you get in here?”

“First, a toast: To the undying desperation of Vinnie Laneme!”

“Is that my fucking whiskey!?”

The scene opens to the inside of a cluttered trailer. John Samuels is leaned up against the counter with a glass of whiskey, eyeing his uninvited guest. Sitting atop the countertop is a Abe Lackman; covered in glitter, drinking a Cosmopolitan, and dressed as Vinnie Lane.

LoverAbe: ”So dude, check this out. I’ve been saving up all the money I’ve been making running the XWF into the ground and sucking off Japanese businessmen who confuse me with a geisha, and I’ve opened up my own little theme park dude.”

[sammy] “Let me guess, a waterpark where all the water is replaced by semen and the food stands sell deep fried dick-on-a-stick?”

LoverAbe: “I do love the combination of hot oil and hard cock… But no dude, this is way bigger. Way bigger. The only problem is, I need some help with advertising. If I get on TV and say “Hey I’m Vinnie Lane, come check out my themepark!” people are just going to assume there’s a single attraction: me sitting on a throne and begging parents to let me lick their kids’ tiny little assholes.

Samuels: “Yeah I can see that.”

LoverAbe: “Exactly. But if I have a big star, like a big, bonafide, honest to god start like John Samuels, people will think: “Why the fuck is this guy advertising a funpark for some whose ass he’s about to kick? Must be a hell of a time!” And they’ll pack up little Johnny and Suzy, and they’ll head right on down and before you know it, I’ll have entire families lined up to take pictures of me licking their children’s delicious underaged assholes.”

Samuels: “Why me? There are other big names around like Sebast--Umm… Poppa Fed--Hmm… Azrae--Just kidding, he was garbage. Still, why me?”

LoverAbe: ”Well, when it comes to this… let’s just say, it’s right up your alley.”

Samuels: ”Okay, I need to stop you right there. If you’re going to keep talking about licking assholes, you absolutely do not refer to my ‘alley.’ One more time and I will rip your fucking tongue out and use it as ear plugs next time one of your boring ass, rambling promos gets plastered to my screen. Speaking of, what the fuck?

You don’t know what getting pinned by Morbid Angel is like? Maybe that’s because you were busy lovingly tonguing his innards while you were on the twice-digested-shit sucking end of the world’s most hilariously inept human centipede. Seriously, you, Peter Gilmour and Morbid Angel, what did you guys call yourself in the huddle? “Victory Forwhoever-is-smart-enough-to-change-the-fucking-channel-when-one-of-us-wrestles-or-EVEN FUCKING-WORSE-TRIES-TO-CUT-A-PROMO.”

LoverAbe: ”In my defense, I have the basic aptitude of a sundried tomato. Slightly less fuckable too.”

Samuels: ”But hey, surely you teaming up with a chunky piece of shit and a hyperagressive closet case isn’t going to happen again. Right?”

LoverAbe: ”Uh, about that…”

Samuels: “Nah I’m sure you wouldn’t do that. You’re just too fucking lazy. Just like you were too lazy to stop and think before wondering why i would *choose* to become black.

LoverAbe: ”Yes, that is something that I actually said…”

Samuels: ”So we’re just going to conveniently forget that I was nothing more than a fucking husk when I ‘chose’ to become black? I know incapacitated bodies are the only way you can make notches in your bedpost there buddy, but every jury in America would agree: you can’t give consent when you’re unconscious. Now, did I sit there and wallow in self pity like one of your ambigiously underaged overnight guests, waking up to crab infested cooter and sopping moist asshole? Nah, I rolled with it. I embraced it.

I did something you could never do. I evolved.

I get it, change is scary. But let’s not pretend you’re any different than a poorly rated sitcom running in syndication solely to fill the gaps between Slapchop advertisements and the shit that people actually tune in for. Congratulations Vinnie, you’re the ‘Joanie Loves Chachi’ of the XWF. You’re the same tired, recycled piece of shit that you’ve always been--you started out stale and now you’re just a moldy, maggot infested mess. How about a little depth? Maybe some substance? Goddamn, the formula for everything you do Vinnie is about as exciting as boiled chicken, and somehow the finished product is even less satisfying.

LoverAbe: ”These are all valid points and frankly I should be ashamed of myself for even daring to mention your name.”
Samuels: ”And don’t, not for a single second, pretend that having the Kings(™) back isn’t making your rectum convulse with anticipation. I bet that thing is moist enough to cram that big, undeserved ego up there sideways. You’re running a failing company with no starpower, no fanfare, and no real fucking direction. We come back, have the world buzzing, and you can’t help yourself but to instantly jump right in the picture screaming ‘Hey look at me! I’m important too!’ When you lay your head down at night, which is undoubtedly face down onto the shriveled post-hormone penis of that plastic ladyboy, do you feel ashamed of yourself needlessly interjecting into our affairs? I mean come on, man to man, you have to realize that what you’re doing is the greatest ego-self sucking that the XWF has ever seen. This wasn’t about you Vinnie, and any owner worth a fraction of a shit knows that a successful business isn’t about trying to steal the spotlight from the guys that are going to line their pockets. But here we are. No sooner did we take center stage did you hop up wearing your naughtiest neglige and started twirling around like you were trying to create the world’s most vomit-inducing burlesque show.

Nobody wants to see it. And that’s what you don’t understand.

From the universal champion on down to the bottom dwellers scraping away at the Hart title, everyone was talking about the Kings(™). They were excited, they were scared, they couldn’t wait to drop to their knees and inhale our greatness. And then you stepped in Vinnie, taking an absolute shit over the only momentum this place has seen since we left. People stopped talking, they stopped caring. And you know why that is? Because they had something organic and exciting, something amazing they haven’t gotten to be a part of in their XWF tenures, and you ruined it. You became that overreaching, corporate lump that went and ruined their fun. Congratulations, you shit where you eat.”

LoverAbe: ”Goddamn nigga how long are you gonna talk? I’ve got this fine hoe named LaToya waiting that said she was gonna suck the black off my meat”

Samuels: ”Stay in character or I’ll beat you worse than Lane does his meat whenever he watches ‘Toddlers In Tiaras.’

LoverAbe: ”Oh dude! The park. You’re gonna love it. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before.”

Samuels: ”Why would I go? I’m obviously busy.”

LoverAbe: ”I will make you rich.”

Samuels: : “Oh, I’ve got money.”

LoverAbe: ”Liquor?”

Samuels: ”I’ve got plenty.”

LoverAbe: ”It’ll give you a chance to call me, James Raven, and Jon Brown ?”

Samuels: ”Now you’re talking. Let’s do this.”


The Park.

A tan Jeep slowly pulls into frame. Samuels is looking down at his iPad, which is paused on the face of Jon Brown. Samuels laughs and throws a handful of cheetos onto the screen.

Samuels: ”Eat up little piggy! For fucksake, we give Peter and Barney shit for being fat but this guy looks more bloated than the lower intestine of James Raven’s well-lubed German Shepherd. And what the fuck is going on with the guy’s teeth!? Did he forget to use his white strips on the top half? Get this man a dentist or at least explain to him the dangers of brushing his teeth with urine.

Those beady eyes...

The sunken eye sockets…

This man is fucking difficult to look at. He looks like a well-fed corpse. Where the fuck did you find this?”

Loverboy clears his throat and nods to the side. Samuels looks over and slowly removes his glasses, a look of astonishment overcoming him. Slowly, he stands with his mouth agape.

The camera pulls back to reveal a giant dinosaur, with the CGI head of James Raven, rearing back on all fours, it’s mouth wrapped around a large flesh colored dildo hanging from the branch of the tree.

Samuels: ”It’s a Ravensaurus!“he says, in shock.

He shakes his head in disbelief.

Samuels: ”It’s sucking dick… they -do- suck dicks.”

Loverboy turns to the camera with a smile.

LoverAbe: ”Mr. Samuels, welcome to MyGapedAssic Park."

1X - GOAT.