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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » Lethal Lottery 4 RP Board
Fine Dining
Author Message
JimCaedus Offline
Trash Talker Skywalker



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Mixed

(loved by some; hated by some; dips between clean/dirty)


#1
03-27-2017, 02:49 AM

"Fine Dining"



CAEDUS REWIND.....
-Sunday, March 26 2017, 9 PM LOCAL-


-Kumsusan Memorial Palace, Pyongyang-



"See, Jimbo, my daddy dead too."

I behold the embalmed corpse of Kim Jong-il lain out on bier beneath glass, like some bile-rising bizarre offering of fleshy sustenance for sale you'd see in any alleway butcher shop in any state's China Town amidst hung-from-hooks plucked ducks and pigs.

"The fuck man...you guys just leave 'im out like that?"

"Oh hell yeah, you kidding? Big tourist attraction bring big money." He turns to a pair of soldiers standing guard over Jong-il's transparent sarcophagus. "너희 둘! 많은 우는 여학생과 농부를 불러들이세요! 아빠의 관이 흐려지고있어!"

The pair hotfoot it on outta the palace only to reappear a moment later leading 6 North Korean crying minors in schoolgirl uniforms and 6 filthy middle aged North Korean men at gunpoint.

The girls shower the glass sarcophagus with their tears as the soiled farmers scrub and rub away with portions of the very rags they're wearing, polishing the surface to a shimmering glow.

"아주 좋아. 그들에게 보상을주십시오."

I look on as the group is shuffled away then turn to Kimmy. We stare at one another in silence.

12 pops from a pistol resound in the distance.

"I'm hungry. You ready to look at menu? 메뉴!"

Worker bee bussers appear, scurrying in carrying a table for two, two chairs, the country flag serving as table cloth, chopsticks, soup spoons and two menus. It all looks revolting.

I order a bowl of seemingly harmless milk porridge which I still have one helluva hard time finding appetizing and end up pushing away. Kimmy doesn't notice as he's ordered everything from dead body soup to raw crabs to silk worm larvae and beyond.

I need a distraction.

"Mind if I cut a promo, Kimbo?"

He nods an ok while digging into a plate of fermented skate, and motions for his personal camera crew, the same he uses for vlogging about 'dictator probleeems' while eating and/or executing the insolent, and they set up swiftly.

..............................

"Trax, I'm gonna start with you since Dolly is already runnin' outta fifteen minutes of fame fuel, fartin' forward on fumes. T, the worst mistake anyone can make in a place like the XWF is overlooking the competition...especially where the name Caedus applies. You 'genuinely couldn't care less'? Look, you Section 8 Superman sumbitch, you don't have an absence of defeats on your record so I suggest you pay closer attention to those who could easily add another notch to your nether list of loss. It's never a good idea to be UNfamiliar with an opponent. Ever. You further admit, quite arrogantly I might add, that OF COURSE you've largely ignored my career thus far. You question, and I quote, 'Why would I care about the path another man or woman walks in XWF until their path crosses mine?'." I exhale in disappointment. "You mean like how you and I are in the finals of Lethal Lottery 4 both as tag partners and possible opponents? Bro, I could tell you that 'crossing paths' loosely defines our cooperating as partners previously, and I should, but we're about to battle for the briefcase and that's relevant enough where contradiction is concerned. You should've been donning that thinkin' cap do rag already by your own admission but...in actuality, like Dolly, all you offer are untruths, convenient excuses and explanations, loving hearing yourself harp, hoping the fans and rostermates won't notice you blasting groundless gas like Jim Henson's bubblin' bunghole laden Bog of Eternal Stench. You use Ghost Tank as an example for ignoring ANYONE? You ain't facin' Ghost Tank, Trax, you're facing chick with a dick Dolly and dude with a clit Cadryn...you very well could be facing me as well. GT's broken brain bitin' off Matt Hardy bitin' off an ancillary character from the final episodes of Death Note with all that delete shit don't mean dick in context. Don't let them hood rats tie those braids so tightly, Trax, they affect your critical thinking abilities.

It's funny how you claim racial insults don't get under your skin yet for the second time I've led you, like Cady over the word , to respond. I'm not trying to get under your skin with my brand of customized and colorful skin color Caedus commentary. It happens anyway...even with you as you confirm with your use of the word 'jarringly' meaning I may as well have been physically shakin' the shit outta ya...but as pertains to you, it wasn't meant to melt through your massively midnight melanin levels, just prove a point. Don't bother watering down my words in comparison to cocks floppin' 'round the halls of yesteryear. Ain't no one quite like Caedus and that's a fact. Oh...right...you don't pay attention. My bad, playa. Needless to say, you can call my crushin' o' craniums with cuttin' cracks redundant all you want but the critique falls flat at my feet. Perhaps you and Dolly can brag of defeating names in the past who may have stooped to similar means but I can just as nonchalantly challenge in stating I've been wielding that weapon the whole time I've been accruing success. That means, like I told the lil' girl I still know you're afraid of, a weapon you see as similar or insignificant will still blow your motherfuckin' brains out in the hands of a man who knows how to use it. Do I know how to use it? I think my track record speaks for itself...loud and clear.

Oh shut the fuck up with your bullshit about what's legal or not and how it affects your being able to wrestle. How many motherfuckers have you assaulted out of the ring in your pursuit of heroism, Trax? You ain't no cop so that makes each of those incidents an action of breaking the law, limpdick and yet...lo and fuckin' behold, imagine _that_, here you are in the finals of Lethal Lottery 4, paid and under contract with the XWF. Care to revise your story? Why the fuck are you even bringing up teleportation specifically, I didn't say shit about it other than in listing your ever growing gaggle of supergimmicks. Oh, that's right, you use it to segue into explaining why you didn't know Dolly was Buronan by stating your aura sense has only recently risen to the surface. Makes it totally believable then that you've already honed it to the point of omniscience, being able to track this honky among a dozen others in my proximity from miles away with thousands in between. Fuck practice, right? When you're Trax, you're all about perfection. That's why you're our XWF Uni Champ right now...'cause you're just that damn good. I don't believe you, Trax. Period. You had the ability to heal others, as revealed to you by MorGod Freeman, you just didn't think to ever try it. It was successful too, first shot. I'm living proof. How was it so? I'll tell you why; whether or not you are conscious of all you can do, it all still exists within you and is constantly subconsciously at work, gaining in strength. Therefore, ALL your powers, specifically your aura sense, were present, and HAVE BEEN, at a strong enough level to notice Dolly since you so _expertly_ used it to such a masterful degree, creepily keeping track of me for 2 weeks and saving my life on call. Nothing is spontaneous, bro. Yeah, you had it back when Dolly was just Dolly, you were just too fulla _yourself_ to take notice. Remember, you don't pay close attention to even those you're about to lace up with FOR THE SECOND TIME, so it isn't a stretch of the imagination to conclude you just had your head up your ass. Still, it didn't stop you from ULTIMATELY saying you knew somethin' was up with Buronan to start with, did it...and that unfortunately vindicates me and my words. I warned you...now I owe you an Italian wino style barefoot barrel grape stomping for not realizing Catch-22 Caedus will still flip your argument on its head and fuck its colon clean of counters. No worries, I won't do a thing to you while we tag beyond helping you help US beat the testosterone outta Dolly and the estrogen outta Cady. Pretty lame for a teleporting superhero by the way...using legality as a reason to fly to Korea like Kimbo would have you arrested."


"Yeah, what kinda asshole you think I am, black guy?" Kimmy drops his chop sticks and points to a subordinate. "당신! Trax에게 내가 친절한 호스트라고 말해!"

The man stands before the camera nervously and stutters out, "Trax, 리더는 우호적 인 호스트입니다."

"영어로! Soul brother no speaky Korean, stupid!"

"Turax...leader...friend-"

"Oh, shut _up_!" Kimmy pulls a large pistol from his flubbery waistline and drops the man with a cap to the forehead. Servants dash in to remove the body and clean up the mess. "So hard to find good help these day. Please continue, Jimbo." Kimbo resumes digging into his...food...

"You call my accusations a paranoid rant. Incorrect. My accusations stem from my anger over you giving credence to our _opponent_ just to try to gain ground over me, dumbass...like pushing that paranoia crap _she's_ been pushing, you sellout sack o' shit. May as well make this a handicap 3-on-Caedus match the way you're fartin' around. While it's true there's no way I can prove you said what you said backstage, my fans and enemies are familiar enough with me to know that I pride myself on honesty. If I say you said something along the lines of suspicions about Buronan possibly being Dolly in context with similar styles of semantic warfare, and yes I'm paraphrasing your words for flavor so don't bother clearing that up....then I fucking heard you say it and that's that. Just like I heard Cadryn say he figured it the fuck out during the final tag collaborative promo between himself and Buronan. Why do I discuss it, Trax? Perhaps because Dolly acts like she's so fucking clever she fooled us all, manipulated the lot of us into the final brackets and _because_ of this masterminding, will definitively defeat us in the finals. That sound like I'm wasting time commenting on topics relevant to our match? You ok with her concept of domination or are you onboard now with knockin' the truth into 'er, Mister F'n DOMINANCE? Why do you think I say you ARE afraid of her? You just don't want her to know we spoke about her backstage, you just don't want her ire to rise further over such a humiliating revelation. Or is it a combination of stressful ideals dealing with Dolly and successfully treading that thin line between legal and illegal? It's ok, man, she already knows I hit hard with Overtly Offensive Combat, she does it right back since like Cadryn, she can't help but copy me...so feel free to drop the inhibitions in context and join in unless you can't hack it. You don't have to worry Trax...even though you largely ignore me and my ways, I AM a talent not to be taken lightly and you can believe me when I tell you, I'll protect you from the big bad little 12 year old white girl if she starts poppin' off at the mouth again like I have been. Anyway, you're right...it DOESN'T matter anymore now that I'VE cleared that clusterfuck up, so let's move on, shall we? Ah-ah-ahhhh...I sense your aura in argumentative turmoil. Stop with the LEGIT wasting of time and MOVE. ON."

"Yeah, get over it, black guy!" Kimmy loses a wet wad of still wrigglin' live spoon worm fragments from his full mouth on "guy" and I nearly lose what little I choked down earlier. I power through it.

"Oh and no offense taken on the 'daddy issues' comment towards Dolly, no worries. I've unloaded and been over that shit before Bourbon used it last round on _me_. You might've noticed had you been paying attention to the guy on whose coattails you were riding."

'Now cover what you missed with Dolly last time, champ.'

"On to the fake ass, five-o-clock shadow shavin' and havin' hooker. My apologies Doll', I got so distracted diggin' your shallow grave over the news of your leaked lies in court I failed to further fuck you. FIGURATIVELY. Pain in the ass tiny lil' tramp, got us all havin' to watch our P's and Q's in light of your ability to spin a good yarn under oath. Don't need no phony Bobby Blackcoat brand bullshit lawsuits brought against me you fraudulent fuckin' bovine teat-suckin' scumbag...

To begin with, I love how you take credit for me responding the same way I always respond as if you 'riled me up'. This here is what I'm talkin' about...how you sample the shit outta my ass like some fuckin' farmland peckerwood P Diddy...and as always, you do it all wrong. See, the difference between you and I in our execution is that I say it when I've clearly gotten the recipient to act in ways negatively atypical to their usual approach. You know, like how the more I point out your mistakes, the more you stutter and stumble blindly through your oh so 'devastating' diatribes and sound like a panicky pussy. However, when YOU say that shit...you just say it to opponents who're killing you and act like you've actually pulled somethin' off when really you've done nothing but yank off your own cloak of credibility in doing so. Fuck am I talking about, you've got no credibility anymore, I've taken that away from you by proving over and over again that you edit and you lie like the gutless hillbilly you are. That'll translate quite well in the match when I show how dishonest you are about your 'dominance' as well by blessing you with the worst ass whoopin' of your waif life. Keep rollin' your eyes you little snot and I'll pop 'em right out with a Purgatory Punch.

On with the list of things you do that I adore. I love the way you keep talking about the whole cat bit claiming, and I quote, 'You were the one who brought it up, pal, and it was anything from offhanded, you were seriously hurt, remember?' Seriously hurt over your cliché choices in scripted 'horror', trying to ham-handedly display me as a savage? I believe my words were 'so disappointed' you goddamn dummy, get the corn cobs outta your country ears and listen next time. By the way, yes, this all started with an off-handed question theorizing on what kinda warped 12 year old mind would think up such a lame crime? I guess one who was forced to suck, er- POLISH the penises her mentor collected after each cum-then-feel-wrong-about-it bi-curious encounter. And uh...last I heard, it was Dolly Waters gettin' so butthurt over my single question that led to her Gilmore Girl gabbin' an OOC Priest's ear off in church. Yeah you little shithead, that was you losin' it in a pew. Who made a mountain out of a molehill? Are we done trying to gain control of what we lost control of a week ago, little orphan autistic Annie?

Exhibit C, capitalized for Cunt, I hate your sig on the official site and how we have to look up your nostrils, you nasty nothing. Makes me wanna pound that pile o' pig snout up into your brain in the ring and laugh when your eyes roll for the final time, back into your head.

On the subject of what a collaboration is, asking if you're just some dumb twat for not knowing. A: Yes, yes you are. Doesn't it feel good to be honest for once? B: The fuck kinda golden rule do I have to break for people to believe I allowed my reality to be stifled by your hacky aired promo premise? You think anyone with half a brain can't tell the difference between what either of us wrote on the cue cards? Dolly, you try REALLY REALLY hard to bite my style but you attempting to pull it off sounds like some foreign moron with a list of buzz words, literary tools and pacing who still consequently lacks the silver tongue, experience and grasp of native sentence structure to form actual nail driving cool and cogent critiques. In other words, shut the fuck up and be yourself before I bury you alive any further. Your promos are fake like you; over-the-top disaster D-film Sharknado shit. I don't need to have taped our lockeroom conversation with your cliché Bruce Wayne modulated voice crap telling me the plan is to have me sneak into your house and kill some 'old-skool' what-the-fuck-ever in Milo to come at NOCMM over 'the gen-X fallacy'. You even told me to work the gen-X angle into my trash talk which was outside my realm of actually _interesting_ insultery, that bland bs ain't my style, that's YOUR I-think-I'm-so-smart style, you sloppy sleaze. You ask if I was unhappy with your straight-to-DVD style why I didn't edit? My answer is, because making your bitch ass a happy tag partner was more conducive to a TEAM atmosphere, wouldn't you say? Much like how Trax and I are gonna pass you around like lifers with the prison bitch, I was attempting to keep things as smooth as possible. Not that I ended up needing to...you were jacking off to the side while I basically fought that match by myself just like I did in round 3. Lucky for you my wake wasn't too choppy for you to coast on and _I_ got you to round 3 to continue your joke of a master plan, you 'dominating' dunce. Do I need to go on or are you ready to retire from yet another fruitless fishing expedition, dipshit? And fuck PETA. Do-nothin'-but-picket pussies. I'd be more impressed if they took terminal action like I'm entertaining the thought of doing to you here in Pyongyang next Sunday. I wanna fuckin' crack your skull open like a Cadbury egg and dig out the yolk."


"Jimbo, I trying to eat here!" Kimmy returns to his plate of chicken feet and stuffed cow intestine.

"You said, 'James, I slay you at this.'"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!! Oh no she di'int!"

"Oh yes she DID, Kimbo. She says she slays me at _'THIS'_ then DENIES shortly after that she bites _'THIS'_, Kimbo. You asked for evidence, Dolly, I believe that's all the evidence I need right there, thank you for making it so easy you fuckin' imbecile. Like I said, stop trying to rise to this occasion, you suck at it. I mean shit, Dolly, you do it while tossing pins and clutching grenades, hitting me with gems like 'C'mon you remedial Bob Barker' and calling me a 'snowflake bitch'. Jesus...garbage like that is why compared to me you sound like Arnie DiCaprio yelling 'HI GILBEEEERT', hiding up a fuckin' tree with an all-too-courageous finger up your ass you rope-a-dope dumbfuck four-flusher redneck . I predict if you don't figure out some other avenue to explore, that I'll inevitably blockade as well, you're gonna get your ass kicked at the Lottery and you're gonna end up having to rage-hiatus in embarrassment. Hey maybe this time you can concoct a horseshit story like you're 12 and you're pregnant and you gotta get on with the fingerin' your way through cases of canned Pillsbury chocolate frosting for 9 months before you pop out Muddy's vestigial tailed daughter/granddaughter. She can be your believable infant wrestling prodigy tag partner.

Trax was right...who the fuck are you to get excited about? You've only been under contract since September of last year and you spent several months of that short time outta the ring for that doping scandal I'm sure you yourself orchestrated because you couldn't handle the very understandable pressure your little tween body and mind were taking on and you needed a break. You know who hasn't needed a break while plowing through the cards holding two belts? Jim Caedus, the real Phenom here. The guy who's clobbering you now and will leave you paralyzed and slobbering later in the ring. It doesn't matter what you claim, what you desire, what you wish...I'm sorry, Dolly, but you're just gonna hafta wait for your next opportunity at the 24/7 briefcase, 'cause Trax and I...we're not gonna let you have it. And now that _I_ know how ineffectual you actually are, now that I know I can eclipse your skill, illuminate your lies and mic drop on your ass all damn day...I know that I possess what it'll take in the finals to smack your bitchass back onto the flash-in-the-pan position you fit quite cozily into. What you THOUGHT you were, I truly am. Cheer up though...if I end up nabbing the briefcase I'll have to vacate the Television Title and you can focus on that, start over at the beginning and fight your way non-stop back to an opportunity for the top and maybe this time you'll pull it off without havin' to take a breather you fuckin' easily-winded weakling.

Cadryn...I know you can hear me you sneaky little gayrod greaseball. Rumor is you've been sighted here and there and I believe that combines well with the propaganda your whore partner has been peddling about you planning on no-showing. I already predicted before you were up to no good, plotting another go at the old campin' strategy that failed you before, THIS time taking the advice I've given in context, specifying a need to legitimately appear absent, abstaining from uploading even a single vignette while you collect ammunition for a late powerstrike, perhaps even the dreaded deadline bomb tactic I've used to blow Ls up the asses of opponents. You and Dolly are so fucking alike...you both copy, you both lie and you both take cues from 'Big Daddy Cruel' Caedus. Fuck it...even though you'll look like an idiot poppin' out yelling surprise to a room full of people already awaiting your appearance from your hidey-hole, you're gonna do it anyway and I'll have some nice haymakers I've been holding back on unleashing. Happy campin' wop-wad and while in the wimp wilderness watch out for big gay Gravy grizzly bear powerbottoms.

And Trax...no more of this bickering between us. If we lose because of your backstabbing unwillingness to form a cohesive unit, and why would you when we work so well together, you're gonna piss me off and I'm gonna do somethin' I may or may not later regret. Don't let your mammy wake from her coma only to hafta hear news of her son's fate like-"














"_똥_!! _BURN_!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Stubborn and over dramatic sad black mother always hilARIOUS!"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXMMM-MMM!XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

TBC

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