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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » Lethal Lottery 4 RP Board
Dollygagging
Author Message
JimCaedus Offline
Trash Talker Skywalker



XWF FanBase:
Mixed

(loved by some; hated by some; dips between clean/dirty)


#1
03-20-2017, 06:02 PM

I sit, smashed, picking my 18th or so getting warmer can of Bud Light from the 30 pack, pop it, down it and burp-gurgle-gag off the foam at the bottom. I squeeze and toss the empty at the cracked and faded green full sized plastic garbage receptacle, more accurately I pitch it, and it clinks in among its crushed comrades.

The month is early February 2010 in my recollection, the time somewhere between noon and three.

The place, what used to be my Aunt and Uncle's family home in Cypress, now rented solely by their youngest son (my cousin Jeff) and his current girlfriend, an Iranian-American broad named Melissa. As I'd done several times from 2001 to 2010 attempting to escape my private out of ring life, I'd once again retreated to the party atmosphere of the Orange County younger-thans only to find each motherfucker from the chicks to the boys growing up and trading fun for family and/or career responsibility. Jeff was the only constantly available for mornings and afternoons, then I'd zoom drunk back on the 91 home to 5551 Lemon in Long Beach piloting my recently purchased silver blue '84 Mercedes SEL 420 I'd named the Millenium Muthafalcon. Speaking of getting and staying drunk...

I grab number 19.

I pause to relive the twice-over loss of my father. The funeral. The months spent drinking alone. The tears well and I continue my thousand yard stare as I pop the can.

Jeff walks in exclaiming in surprise how I've gone through two thirds of the case I bought in just an hour and a half then laughs about having an unopened case in the fridge if we run out. He plucks up his first and downs it, wincing over the temperature. He grabs the case and exchanges it for the one in the fridge mentioning something about picking up some "chron" from a local slanger. Says the guy will bring it to us.

I down my 19th and open the case for a cold 20th before slurring something in support of getting weed. The more removed from sober the better.

Calls are made and around 45 minutes later an otherwise in shape young man with an inexplicable pot belly shows up. He makes the sale to Jeff and Melissa, they pack a bowl in the bubbler and we conversate. He introduces himself as Matt Plinus, says he's a weed and coke dealer. He recognizes me, though not from wrestling, from several successful drunk fist fights I'd had at Squid Music for the benefit of pussy hawking and local home video fame. I attempt to elaborate and drunkly fail. Jeff jumps in and describes multiple fights he's seen me have sober. Matt hilariously offers me a job as his personal security on coke runs, sincerely, if I wanna make some side cash and score pussy. I do, so I agree.

Despite warnings from the old neighborhood block party click I show up at Matt's house the following day ready to work. He has to pick up in Huntington Beach. I roll my eyes. "Security"...you just wanna look important in front of whomever. Fine by me. Matt says we'll be leaving in an hour. I ask if he wants to smoke a bowl. He declines and pulls out his own personal waning stash of powder asking if I wanna do some lines. Fuck it, I say, why not?

I notice, a few lines in, that despite the similarities with meth in feeling REALLY fuckin' good, coke inspires me to be even more active as well as boosting my OCD to heights I hadn't been aware of since my Ritalin days in elementary school. I start hoping Matt DOES have need of a fighter today 'cause I'm now definitely in the mood to break something, whether a video game or a nose.

::BVVVVVVVVVVT::

Breathing beginning to rise in volume and intensity, I pull my phone from my pocket to see a text sent by my mom.

9:02 AM
I am not feeling very well sweetheart. I am going to stay with grams for a little while.

Grams, my nickname for grandma. I respond.

9:02 AM
Ok

I feel like I should send a second text and apologize for the shouting match we'd had a few days ago; I'd blamed her for talking me into pulling the plug on dad.

Meh, I feel too good right now to talk about negativity so I let it be. Matt hops up and declares it's time to pick up anyway.

I smile to myself. I really hope something pops off and I need to beat someone's ass.

We head out front, hop into his red Ford F150 and take off heading for Huntington Beach...

TBC
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"Dollygagging"







-Monday, March 20 2017, 6:40 PM Local-

-Island in Yellow Sea 30+ miles off the western coast of North Korea, coordinates 39.291605, 124.738011-



Despite warnings against travelling to North Korea, the XWF would not be deterred in it's Xspansive World Tour and had booked the largest arena in the world located in Pyongyang as the venue for the climactic Lethal Lottery IV pay per view.

It hadn't occured to me how easily we'd all be granted access despite my knowledge of the love shown to celebrity visitation such as Dennis Rodman. The North Korean Necrocracy embraced the XWF and, as I'd discovered, had a particular fondness for the zombie of the promotion. Not Justin Sayne. The real fuckin' zombie. Jim Caedus.

I'd been quite taken aback in fact facing my first Xperience as a beloved wrestler-

'Beloved nothin', these zips worship you.'

-and after a mere few hours of photos and much better English than my Korean, I'd felt a need to escape, had hired a fishing boat for the price of my leaving an outgoing voice mail message for the fan-captain and retreated to an unnamed small island roughly 30 miles off the western coast of the country.

Enjoying the peaceful, lush verdant scenery and lap of the waves on the beach, once again among the wilds of nature as I adore, I'd spent an hour with a foot and a half long piece of scrap wood board found on the boat, carving CAEDUS ISLE into both sides. Retrieving a cast aside length of rope I'd lashed the board to a thick fallen branch and posted the sign. I doubted, if seen, anyone among my rabid North Korean fans would have a problem.

As I stand admiring my work, I find I also don't care if my opponents for the finals of Lethal Lottery were to target this for insults. Fuck 'em. I am who I am. Which reminds me...

I spend several minutes viewing the opening LL promos uploaded by Dolly Waters and my returning tag partner Trax. I can feel Dolly in particular expecting me to flinch at her words. I merely sigh and smile slightly.

'Premiere Caedus Isle promo?'

Premiere Caedus Isle promo.

I prepare my phone...

......................................................

"To be not only participating in my first XWF PPV but competing in the co-main event AND a finalist in the Lethal Lottery IV tournament is an honor I wasn't prepared to receive when I threw my name into the hat back in February. I thank my partners Robbie Bourbon and Burdolly Waternans and of course my now two time tag partner in Trax for helping me get here. To be honest, I also extend thanks to Cadryn, Killjoy, Crowe, Hero, Robbie and Scully for pushing me to exceed the limits I thought I'd never surpass in myself to achieve these heights so soon in my intended lifetime roster membership of this fine promotion, this pinnacle of professional wrestling in the XWF. For someone like me, to have spent so many years downtrodden, gutter-surfin', dumpster divin'...it's a dream I now find myself living. A dream I don't ever wanna relinquish or wake from. I realize my opponents will have something to say about that and my choice in introductory sound track. Let 'em say it. I've come too far to turn back now. Call it 80s cliché...everybody wants to rule the world...and I'm no different. The hunger defines us all but as I've said once before to Thomas Nixon leading to my claiming of the XWF Television Title...I'm not just hungry. I'm motherfuckin' starving. My belly growls at the sight of that 24/7 briefcase hanging before me and even if it means I must surrender my sweet golden girl I'll be aiming for the case and the opportunity it commands.

Trax...the true Superman of the XWF. You've no idea how much respect I have for you bro. Not just for what you did for me in L.A. but for who you are in and out of the ring. It's true, I owe you for preserving my life in that botched bank heist Hell but Trax...all I owe you is my thanks and I'm paid up. I'm not a Wookie with a life-debt and Han Solo is just some character actor in Bourbon's rouges gallery. If anyone owes someone it'd be you owing me for dominating our brush with expulsion in Scull' and Bourbs. That was me, a man, taking the two of them head on not the mighty Trax, a superhero. Whether or not I needed Dolly's interference to return from the darkness and kick out like I did outta death in that North Long Beach alleway, we'll never know. Given that I've proven once that saving grace doesn't always spell otherwise certain loss in definitively defeating Cadryn following our first time limit draw I'd say I deserve the benefit of the doubt here. You can rest assured I will for the second time work in tandem with you, a now much better oiled machine in TraxUs, to get the job done but if we should topple the intimidating duo of Dolly and Cady you can expect a savage beast ripping and tearing through you to get to that briefcase.

'Trax vs Caedus'...that IS an impressive main event final, you've got me there. I'd love to see that come to fruition and needless to say, so would you. Problem is, it won't happen if you seek to control the match like I did in round 3. Robbie and Scully were hard enough to get through with _my_ being in that mindset in the ring, it's not gonna work against our opponents in the finals. So, with all due respect to you and your accomplishments Trax, WE will handle our opponents together whether you like it or not...and I suggest you like it, it'll go smoother. We've both gotta think on our feet, stuff the pride and gel like maximum hold. Dolly can claim whatever she wants, the truth lies in what she refuses to admit: Trax and Caedus alone are top tier competitors...but _together_...they are unfuckingstoppable. We must live up to that, Trax. We CANNOT and WILL NOT allow Dolly and Cadryn to stop us.

Once we've dealt with those two we can focus on one another and treat the XWF universe to a wicked war pitting the immovable cape-wearing SuperHave with the unstoppable force of will in King Have-Not. You tell me to cling to the Television Championship, that basically that's who and what I am. Don't concern yourself with the TV Title, Trax, it's been carried from the slaughterhouse of Savage to the assault of Anarchy into Warfare, Lethal Lottery itself and has so been done over and over. If I claim that 24/7 briefcase, and believe me I'll do whatever it takes to get it, I'll be forced to drop the TV Title and another can continue its rising legacy in my stead with a championship that has been lifted beyond what any thought possible or plausible and that ain't arrogance talking, it's pride. It's that same drive and determination that you'll face in competition. I don't need to respond to your obligatory passive wrong side of the Trax threat in telling you that if you know what's good for you, you won't underestimate me, cross the wrong side of the tracks and find yourself on the wrong side of TRACTION. You know who it is you hope to face in the finals. The Catch-22 King. Lord High Douchebag of the High Desert. Me."


Behind me I hear rustling in the underbrush. I pause for a moment to look over my shoulder...then return my gaze to the lens.

"Cady-cat Tiberius. First and foremost...take that motherfuckin' '1x Undeniable Television Champion' off your official XWF site profile signature. Now. That goes for your little -ass follower jag-off Justin Sayne as well, you hear me you little cocksucker? I paid for a stipulation in our Caedus v Cadryn III TV Title First Blood match demanding all remnants of that embarrassment to the XWF TV Title be stricken from the promotion forever should I retain and I retained. Our very possibly future XWF Universal Champion 'The Radical' Gabe Reno himself obliged this now OFFICIALLY STANDING STIPULATION Cady, so stop fuckin' acting like you don't wanna be fined or better yet, suspended for your defiance. Its right there on tape, fucker, review if you doubt me. And before you try putting words in my mouth like your freakishly disfigured dick in Gravy's gobbler, the stipulation passed outta my hands upon victory, it ain't about me thinking I'm in power or some shit, I rolled the dice on that purchase and won. Now, it's law. Deal with it and stop living your life in my shadow.

But it ain't just that aspect in which you inhabit my shade, is it? Like I said before and during that Jane 2017 Federweight Scramble, you STILL take your cues from me. What started as Cadryn and his back then in-the-closet friend with butt-benefits Slave getting angry at my calling you a continued with two lil' asshole secret followers in Tarddom and Justun Interesting signing up to satire me. Random, according to his background, being a man 'waking up in different places never knowing how he got there' follows closely with my early promos in which SOMEHOW you and your slaves noticed me off-camera doing the same. Justin Sayne, with the whole bullshit 'zombie' gag...I've been referring to myself as a zombie and 'zombying up' since my first promo against Benito Angelo. You thought I never noticed? Lemme guess, you're going to say it's all coincidence and I'm simply paranoid. Try again. Two men now known to be friends of you and Slave, two men entering on the 14th and 15th of January JUST in time to wage mental warfare on me from the sidelines for OUR first match Cadryn. That ain't coincidence, that's purpose. I told you, you can't outsmart me, just like I've noticed another newcomer satiring my past drug use. I'm sure he thinks he's clever too. I've been waiting to drop that knowledge on you, Cady. But every action you've made since learning of my existence and setting up camp on my coattails doesn't stop there. No, it continued with you acting like a child over not relieving me of the title and both you and Slave adopting a fantasy version of inner-conversation. It continued my berating you to the point of you dropping your whole overblown cereal addiction gimmick from your signature. It continued with robbing you of your smile, mentioning it and seeing you post the very sig you use to this day of a close-up shiteating grin. It continued with you and Slave attempting to lure me into a trap that backfired in your faces and kept rolling into round 3 of Lethal Lottery with you spoofing my past substance abuse problems with meth. Such a deep hatred you've been nurturing for me as if no one can see it.

I still fucking own you, Cadryn. I own you outta the ring, in it...and at the PPV I'll be owning you in the finals...though Trax and I will be passing you back and forth like the slut on prom night that you are for repeated painful penetration. Watch out for Trax. Although your anal cavity has been stretched through previous pleasure my tag partner is black AND a superhero. I think he'd probably blow your head off like a wine bottle cork nutting up your ass. Same whole Lois Lane-Superman 'why don't they have a kid' conundrum. Me? I'll just crush you like I have before, Cady. You've been gaining in skill as always but I'm still two steps ahead of you. I feed you what you are, I mold you with every breath I take. People keep mentioning some stable we're apparently part of, well...there ain't gonna be no handing of the victory over to you like Slave shamelessly did with the Heavy Metal Weight Title and I'm a lone wolf, not a member of some 'wolfpack' or 'kliq'. As much as I'd love this to be Caedus v Cadryn IV it isn't. It's the Lethal Lottery IV finals, it's Trax and Caedus v Dolly and Cadryn and in the match I'll be treating it as such.

Which brings me to Dolly... What a disrespectful young lady you are. I've a mind to wash your mouth out with a wasp nest sized wad of steel wool and make you gargle with salt water before introducin' my _belts_ to your backside and sendin' you off to bed without any fried Snickers for dessert ya Pikeville peckerwood podunk punkass. Fuck 'one-liners' bitch, I _run_-liners. Wait...we aren't supposed to target your age and existence as a hillbilly heroine are we...damn. Eat a dick, Dolly. I'll wage war however I see fit and I won't be told otherwise. Especially not by a pre-teen who never got taught to respect her elders and if not careful, may just become 'The Phantom' Dolly Waters for raising the ire of three men fully capable of matching and surpassing her. Don't show your underage ass if you don't want a spankin' from the grown folks in the ring. Strike that, you can go ahead and aim that expertly calibrated high powered scope of analysis at me all you want. I'm not taking you as an age, a joke or a gender, I'm taking you for what you are: a proven dangerous competitor. The former XWF Television and Hart Champion. One of the ultimately three people standing in my way of riding this rad rocket of redemption straight to the top. Dolly, I won't relish it...but I'm gonna hafta take it to you like no one ever has.

So sure of our inability to take you down in a war of words leading to the war of wounds? Trax and Cady can handle their own defenses and as for me...well, I can see you possess the same gift for trash talk that I myself wield. Same gift, yours unfortunately being not strong enough in your hands to cut it against Caedus. That isn't to say I'm 'better than you', it's to say the same type of weapon held in the hands of two vastly different gunmen will perform two separate ways. You are indeed a prodigy and you approach this, you accurately describe and defame, in all the right ways but one...pertaining to me. Oh, and somehow broadcasting from February 1st of future events. Are we dipping into _The_ Douchebag's bag-o'-tricks or did we just start writing the script over a month ago, overlook it and forget to edit? That's one of the downsides to being an alpha masculine form trapped in a tween girl's tween boy body...you can't help but get distracted by addiction to pop culture, social networking and YouTube to the point you legitimately lose track of time. Or...maybe it's just the typical female failings at weaving too immaculate and complex a web of lies to keep an eye on every loose end that frays apart. You spent so much time bein' a dame in a dick's game playin' a widdle man your oh-so-perfect insight has been rendered from flawless to flawed. You don't know me like you think you do."


'Hit 'er with it motherfucker.'

"I wouldn't call what I've been doing in the XWF 'running amok', I'd call it one man fed up with his life and loss deciding he's had enough, shooting for the stars while he seeks to piece together and rebuild his very fucking soul. Have I been extremely successful thus far? I very much have. No, that doesn't make me unbeatable and I guess with that superior intellect and method of scouting you claim you still didn't know it goes without saying that I'm not unbeatable. I HAVE been beaten, idiot. Robert 'The Omega' Main did it, in a Triple Threat Elimination Match no less. Guess what? It didn't stop me from continuing to put my best foot forward and it didn't halt me from entering the Lethal Lottery and winding up at the finals. You do a great job airing, like Robbie Bourbon in round 3, details about my character that everyone else is already privy to. _I_ know I'm insecure, everyone else knows and they know I know they know. The fuck kinda scouting were you up to, Dolly? Sounds to me like you only had time to focus on your own tag matches instead of paying attention to the other two you 'helped along' in your brilliance. You know how far my insecurity has held me back? Zip, dipshit. Valiant attempt though, unlike your completely baseless accusations that I believe every top dog is after the TV Title. I never said every ANYONE is after the TV Title and I'm also not stupid enough to fall for the clever games of a lil' lass trying to coerce me into saying what she thinks she will. Yeah, I've got high intellect too, Doll', and it'll de-limb your dolly ass. You can try your damndest to classify me as best you can but you're gonna hafta realize it simply can't be done. I outlasted as many hoidy-toidy top-tier therapists before the age of 20 as years you've been alive, darlin'. You haven't been payin' attention? I'm built of so many blocks and fragments ranging the entire spectrum of good to bad to just plain fuckin' unbelievable and terrible, composed of such an awesome amount of contradictions and enigmas that rubix cubes explode when I walk by. You levied a choice number of definitions to describe me. Confused, angry, insecure, vain and paranoid. You forgot confident, skilful, loyal, trusting, naive, clever, vicious, experienced, determined, compassionate, vengeful, tortured...need I go on? I won't. You can't handle it, you could only severely round down, OR NOTICE, five. The true number is much more than I can bite off in ten fingers and ten toes you pissy little smartass but try as you and others might, arrogance and vanity just don't truly apply. That's another of the decriptives you forgot. Prideful, not arrogant, prideful. I'm not the one shouting at the top of my lungs that I'm gonna win though, I'm simply proud of my ability and why shouldn't I be? I spent enough years sabotaging myself with doubt and I may still expend a healthy amount of energy humbly doubting but I damn sure won't let it stop me from competing for the victory in ANY contest. The truth is, you're jealous that a fuck up like me can be this smart and talented comin' off bein' unemployed and homeless. It just doesn't make sense, does it? Stop trying to make sense of an insolvable equation you can't fathom. There is no bullshit to who I am, I don't present myself any other way than Jim Caedus and the best thing about it is, I'm honest about it. You hate the fact that someone so seemingly incapable of fixing his own life in the past is so goddamn good at this and you envy me for it. Not surprising, the females of the species are known for their intense jealousy over competitors even if they be of the opposite sex. And you should be because while YOU may be a child prodigy, I'm an adult veteran who's seen more than his fair share of hard times and amassed more experiences than you have hairs on that pretty little head of yours...I've been murdered...and none of it did a thing but shatter and reconstitute my form time and again to eventually vomit out yours truly you see before you. The guy who's been 'running amok'. You insult my sincere admissions as 'menstruating'? Shut your trap before I decide to turn your tween bleed from a trickle to a heavy flow with one well-aimed stiff steel-toe boot to the cooch. Ho's that for long winded oh Lil' Lady Long Winded herself?

You act so smart, as if you designed this tournament to get your hands on Cadryn, Trax and I. You may claim to have manipulated the final brackets with your antics as Buronan but Buronan didn't do shit to get _me_ here. I dominated that match against Hero and Crowe, Dolly. Me. By the end of those two promo weeks you'd all but disappeared. I didn't need Buronan. Matter of fact, Buronan only stifled me. Corraling me into a collaboration dramatizing my killing a cat? The fuck is wrong with you? Its like at some young age you experienced a traumatic event centering around felines that drained you of one of the more redeeming qualities of a female, that being kindness towards our furry friends. But, then, you also couldn't handle being YOU in the tourney, so clearly you display cowardice and cowards always target those they think can't defend themselves. Kinda like me. I'm not your game, Dolly. _I'm_ the hunter here. You didn't trap me, I tripped your trap and blew your ass away when you came a runnin'. I'm the ONE guy who DID notice something was up with Buronan and moved to unmask 'him', you too-smart-for-us-all imbecile. You can say whatever you want about Trax and Cadryn, it was Caedus who saw through the deception and knew something was up before round 2 and it didn't take your revelations to do it. The worst mistake you ever could've made, if I was TRULY about to fall to the likes of Scully, was to 'save' me and have me pin him. You're so smart but you thought I'd be easier pickings than Scull' or Rob? I held my own against them like I have against virtually everyone else I've faced, including you. In fact, I'd say at this point you're doubting if you truly _are_ THE dominant force in the XWF and wondering if Jim Caedus has what it takes to defeat you anyway. I do, Dolly. Trax and I may just show you in the finals and give you the rude awakening you so sorely are in need of.

Oh, don't get me wrong... I don't hate you. I feel for what you've endured; it wasn't fair and I hope you find your vengeance. Not only that... Every. Single. Thing. I've said about you in your absence has been the truth, even backstage. You are a legend in the XWF, a gas giant among the promotion's stars in the sky and no one can take that away from you. You speak of Dolly October, I wish I'd been here to witness it. ...You remind me of my daughter. She never saw 12...let alone 5...but she had such potential. Potential like you've shown before I ever stepped foot in the XWF. Well...I'm sorry to throw a wrench in the works but I've got my own problems I'm atoning for and attempting to resolve. You think your measly amount of time spent in unlawful lockup compares to what I've endured? I'd trade my problems for yours in a heartbeat. You ARE legendary, you ARE destined for even greater accolades but from this point on you'll be finding Jim Caedus in the mix now and that hardly ain't ever any good for ANYBODY but JIM CAEDUS, Doll'. If anyone here is vain, arrogant...it's YOU. Kingdom? Throne? I may have applied those words to my portions of the XWF I excel at but I sure as FUCK don't claim the entire XWF as my kingdom. If it is, you've just officially met a usurper more than capable of Purgatory Punching your little frame off the throne should you ever claim it. Unfortunately, to do that you'll hafta get through Trax and I and, uh...we're not gonna let that happen in the finals. You're confident? So are we, so am I. I know I can do this. I don't know that Trax and I are gonna defeat you and Cadryn but by God I know that we both possess what's necessary to make it happen. I know _I_ possess what's necessary to win this tournament overall and I won't allow myself to lose this opportunity for stardom.

You thought you had it all figured out, Dolly. You thought you had ME pinned down. No one any less or any more than what I am can ever catalogue me, cunt. Fuck what you know. I'm Jim Caedus and what I know would implode that mantis head of yours. You done fucked up your first take. Cut. Rewrite. Take two, teeny tweeny twat, you just got swatted. And that, thot, is a wrap."


XFXUXCXKXXDXOXLXLXYXXWXAXTXEXRXSX

I move to stop recording and do so, before the rustling behind me returns. In my continued silence the rustling and crunching rises in volume...something is coming...and I turn slowly to see exactly what that something is...

TBC

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~XWF January 2017 RP of the Month!! - "Like a Moth to the Flame"
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~XWF September 2017 RP of the Month!! - "Lions & Tigers & Caedus, Oh Shit"
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