"Filles Perdues" P. 1

I've always wanted a family.

Nearly every single relationship I'd had since junior high I'd expected and intended for that girl to be the last. People say I love too hard...that I fall in love too fast. I don't give a shit if they're right or wrong, we can only be who we are and I'm simultaneously a psycho fighter and obsessed lover. I'm proud of it.

Outward appearances have never mattered to me, I've been with all types, sizes, colors and creeds. I've loved girls some might describe as "ugly", I've loved girls that have a brutally high boner following. I've loved girls in between both polar opposites and I regret none of them. Each was special and unique in her own way, each had and still has something going for her, something to offer those men serious enough to put their hearts on the line and futures on the table. I never failed to deliver on those key ingredients for a future family unit.

To be not only a husband but a father...is my idea of heaven. Son(s), daughter(s), it doesn't matter to me as long as I have a little heart to care for, to look after, to teach and to love as my parents did for me.

I've had three moments in my life when three of the women I'd been with represented the start of a family I'd always dreamt I'd have one day.

The first was Kelly Fitzpatrick. We'd "gone out" a few times in high school and I'd always been head over heels for her. We'd reconnected in late 2001 during our mutual moments of already missing high school and old friends and discovered we'd both still had feelings for one another. However, two hours into the first date later, she'd admitted to already being in a relationship and didn't know how to proceed. She'd said, "Maybe we should just be friends for now and see what happens."

I'm not one to be "the other man" OR a cheater, as I'd been cheated on multiple times already just by the age of 21. So, I'd agreed and we'd decided to take the rest of this now platonic date from the Lakewood Mall Sbarros back to Coolidge Park right down the street from my house in North Long Beach. Like good Irish folk, we brought a 12 pack with us and of course with the inclusion of alcohol our inhibitions had melted away leaving us drunk beneath a blanket tucked away behind the baseball diamond. A few weeks later she called to let me know she was pregnant and getting an abortion. Have you ever experienced first absolute joy followed by the breaking of your heart in the space of a single minute in conversation? I have. I guess I was lucky Kelly never knew I was into meth at the time, she probably wouldn't have gone THAT far with me. Wherever she is, I wish her the best and hope she's leading a happy life.

Strike two came in the form of a young lady named Jaclyn Reader, or Jackie as everyone called her. Where Kelly Fitzpatrick and I had shared a history in high school, Jackie and I had attended the same private school in Wonderland Primary from kinder to 4th grade AND Mayfair Jr/Sr high from 8th grade to 12th. She'd been one of my first "girlfriends", all the way back when I was in 4th and she was in 3rd. Of course, this was just a cute pairing of innocence and we'd never anywhere NEAR resembled even a junior high type of relationship. I think I recall kissing her ONCE, a peck. We'd reconnected in 2002 in the meth culture and it hadn't taken long before we were sprack fuckin' all over her mother's house during her mom's extensive hours put in as an RN for the same Lakewood Hospital I'd been born and would later say goodbye to a family member. With Jackie, after becoming pregnant, she'd decided to clean up, as a good mother should, and I'd promised to but failed. She ended up moving away, presumably giving birth to a child I don't think I'll ever meet. I've never been able to locate her, she must've changed her name or something...but somewhere out there a little Jimmy or Jaime waits for a biological father he or she will never know...and it kills me every time I think of it.

Strike 3 was of course my Holly Hudson, my last love, my wife and mother of our beautiful daughter Amethyst. A family finally attained...a family cruelly ripped away. The XWF was unaware of this fact as I'd still never spoken of the events that left Holly, Amey and our 14 cats in whatever hellish condition they'd been removed from the burnt up trailer in...but as I sat watching Muddy Waters's first promo for Anarchy...as it became clear to me that Muddy is INDEED the father of his own little girl in Dolly Waters and had not just been running some angle...as it became clear our match for the Federweight Title was going to be a lot more personal than I'd imagined...I found myself wondering if I'd be able to keep this horrible secret quiet for much longer.

TBC