I always knew they'd gift me with a most convenient way of finding my prey. I knew it could only get easier as the aeons passed by like lightening and sand in a storm of disastrous body fluids mixing in a delicious concoction of delight.
First came mail - ah yes the convenience of being able to communicate with someone from any part of the world without physical presence. Then came the telephone - something that struck me as magic at its finest the first time I had a successful conquest as a result of an operator connecting me to my fate. From there it only got better and better- enter the long prophesied web that would one day entangle the entire wide world. Those three Ws were music to my ears when I discovered they had become reality at last. Thank you, bible.
But dare I say nothing - and I mean nothing could compare to one brilliant solution that has allowed me to feed and poison this world at a pace I couldn't have even dreamed of in my first year, eternities ago. One word that is ever so fitting as it is called
UBER
And here we go again as I pick up my, heh heh "smart phone" and tap that delicious icon. I enter my current location, followed by my desired destination. It never really matters where the destination is - we won't be making it there.
Looks like this trip, or shall I say feast, is going to cost me only $13.66 and up. I do love how it's always more than the lesser estimation but then again we also have the option of pooling with another rider, don't we? Well look at that - if I choose Uber Pool I'm guaranteed to only have to pay $4.79 for this trip to satisfaction and I'm guaranteed an appetizer on top of my meal.
Let's do this shit!
I tap to confirm and Uber begins contacting the drivers in my area. It only takes a few seconds before I know exactly who's coming my way. Name, make and model of car, and even a picture along with it.
I look closer at the name of the driver. Well, well, well... isn't this a creative name? Looks like I'm about to have some ethnic delicatessen. He looks a little unhappy in his driver profile picture but I'm sure this Azurine fellow will be my best victim yet...
They always told me it would get easier as time went by. The ease of my duties on this cursed rock would be at all times comparable to the speed in which humans could communicate. For above all else, communication was and will forever be - key.
I remember the days of having to hunt down my prey on horses and using only my enhanced senses to sniff them out of hiding as they quivered in fear, knowing and sensing that I was the one force they could never overcome or corrupt in this universe.
How much easier my job would become once these creative humans would create the arts of telecommunication, every few years elevating to more convenient means of getting the job done.
My prayers had only recently been answered, however. Yes indeed, for at last I have found a way to let the magnetization enter its fullest and most powerful pull yet. Those cursed creations of what some would call Hell have always had the misfortune of being blown toward me like leaves in the wind. Even I can't explain it but all I've needed to do over time is make sure I'm easily accessible by whatever means of communication are the most practical and effective at the time.
One word sums up the greatest answer I've been given yet. This new method has enabled me to rack up over one hundred kills in just the last year alone, whereas my previous methods took much more effort with slower results. All I can say as I look to the skies, flickering strong with lightening this evening, is
Thank
You
Uber
For allowing me to DRIVE.
Sure, the woman who happened to be present due to my latest customer choosing to pool with somebody may have been damn near having a heart attack while she watched me go to work, but had she never seen a skilled professional use a cordless power drill before?
The blood curdling screams of this pathetic piece of shit "vampire" who attempted to kill us both were music to my ears and helped to drown out the woman's screams. It's amazing how these scum fucks enjoy shoving their fangs deep into the flesh of others but you simply insert a spinning drill bit into their mouth, shattering their teeth and turning their gums into scrambled eggs, and suddenly it's unpleasant!
Silence, scourge of this world! Embrace this suffering, for it is the last sensation you will experience before I release you from this miserable existence!! - Bone and gum matter shoot out in every direction along with a warm mist of that red wine divine. The woman sitting next to us in the back seat as I remain mounted on this blood sucking piece of shit is covered in more blood and sinew than Caius' latest tampon, but I don't mind that one bit because I just saved her miserable life.
The surgery continues as the stake I had rammed through this demon's throat continues to hold him secure against the back seat for me. That feeling of shoving the spike right through his neck and into the back of the seat was exciting, as always, but the drill is always my favorite.
Now comes time for his release. I take the glowing emerald of purification from my pocket and I gently... smash the mother fucking thing into his face cavity and within mere moments he is but a pile of ash.
I look to the blood soaked woman who would have been his victim just like I would have been, if I wasn't his hunter and ender instead.
You're welcome, bitch. Now would you like me to finish driving you to your destination?
She passes out. I'll take that as a no as I dump her out of the car and drive to the nearest watering hole.
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