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Cadryn Tiberius · **02-24-2017, 07:24 PM**

Okay..

I feel the need to explain to you guys what happened in between me going to find Gravy and Gravy finding me in bed with Woody.

So here goes:

After being unable to find Gravy for an extended period of time, and not really wanting to bother Darren because, he kind of had a breakdown, I went searching for something to do in the mean time.

I walked around for a while before I decided that I’d really like to get my hands on that Woody costume. For some odd reason, that costume did things to me that I can’t explain. It was like a totally new experience. Well, not totally new. The same thing happened the first couple of time my mom touched me in my no-no squares. But, for years it’s like the beast had been docile. And upon viewing that beautiful Woody costume, he came alive in a rage unlike I’d ever seen or experienced before.

Anyways, I decided to sneak back into the room where Gravy and I had been hanging out where I first laid eyes on the costume. It seemed like a fairly easy way to get my hands on it. Just sneak in, sneak out the costume, and head back to my hotel room for a little me time.

Fairly normal, right?

Well, I managed to sneak back into the room, but this time I wasn’t alone. From behind me I heard a voice call out..

Voice: Hey, you shouldn’t be back here! You’re going to get yourself and myself in to a lot of trouble. Let’s get you out of here.

I turned around quickly to see who it was that had been talking to me. And what I saw was the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on.

[Image: 88b75ca902c72be312a77a553568ecd7.jpg]

Beautiful blonde hair, clear skin, and beautiful gray and blue eyes. Complimented only by her beautiful black eye liner and black mascara. Her eyes made me feel the way I imagine that Heaven feels.

Now, for some odd reason, women seem to be overly attracted to me. I’ll never understand it, and I for the longest time couldn’t stand it. But right now, in this moment, I was more grateful than I’ve ever been for a woman to show interest in me. Once she saw me, she paused for a moment before letting out a smile that only exemplified her beauty and her elegance. She looked me dead in the eyes and said..

Girl: Oh, my. I may have been a bit hasty on rushing you out of here. My name is Natalie. What’s your name?

Now at this point I was awestruck. I honest to God couldn’t remember how to form a sentence. You remember Beeker from The Muppets? That’s literally how I sounded when I went to tell her my name..

Cadryn: ...meep.

Realizing that I was suddenly mute, she laughed a little before continuing the conversation.

Natalie: Aw, honey. I highly doubt that’s your name. There’s no need to be shy, I don’t bite. I’m just trying to figure out what you’re doing back here.

Still in shock, I stood there. Knees weak, my palms were sweaty, it’s like Eminem was standing behind me rapping that shitty 8 mile song. As I tremble in awkwardness, I felt compelled to at the very least, tell her my name. So I dug down deep, and grabbed a hold of every fiber of courage I had in my body and I said..

Cadryn: ..meep.

Fuuuuuuuuck. Why can’t I talk to this girl?! This has never happened to me before. Granted, most of the time anytime a female talks to me I give the ole “Pussy Grab N Headbutt” and then I run away like a scolded dog. This time was different, though. This time I felt compelled to actually speak to her. It was going to happen one way or the other, damn it.

Natalie: Well, let’s see about getting you..

Cadryn: MY NAME IS CADRYN. HI.

Jesus Christ. She’s going to think I’m autistic. I just screamed my name at her, all while interupting her and telling her “hi” 15 minutes after she said it first.

Natalie: Well, that’s a very interesting name. Where are you from?

It seems as though the awkwardness had been broken. I finally felt comfortable enough to carry on a civilized and intelligent conversation with her. So of course, I said:

Cadryn: Earth.

Wow. That’a boy, slugger.

Cadryn: Shut up, Jeff.

Natalie: Who is Jeff?

Cadryn: Nevermind him. Natalie, sweetheart, I’m gonna be honest. I came in here in the hopes of stealing that Woody costume right there. But then you caught me, and by the grace of God if you ain’t the purtiest’ girl I’ve ever seen..

Oh dear God, I sound like Darren Zirado trying to pick up a nun in a whore house.

Natalie: Well, um, thank you, I think. I can’t let you steal that costume though.

Cadryn: I understand. But seeing as you work for Disney, is there anyway you could let me borrow for about 34.5 seconds? I’m fairly certain that’s all the time it will take for me to get “acquainted” with it so to speak.

Natalie: Oh sweetie, I don’t work for Disney. I only pretended to in the hopes that I could rush you out of her faster. It looks as though we’re in quite a bind. I actually came down here to steal this costume as well. There is something about Woody that sets my crotch ablaze.

It’s a match made in heaven. I begin singing in my head:

“Cadryn and Natalie sittin’ in a tree. I’m fuckin weird, and so is she!”

Cadryn: MY CROTCH IS ABLAZE TOO AND IT’S NOT HERPES…

Dude, why would you say that to someone? Why would you lead off with “and it’s not herpes?” That’s all bad..

Natalie: Well, now. You don’t hear that everyday. So Cadryn, what are we going to do about this little situation, cause I’m not leaving here without that costume.

Cadryn: Well, neither am I, Natalie! I’ve come too far and worked too hard for this not to come to fruition. This is the only way for me to relieve stress!

Natalie: I can think of a couple of ways to relieve your stress, big boy.

Suddenly Natalie makes a quick movement forward and before I knew it, she had my dink in her hand. Not only my dink, but the balls too. This woman had some large hands. I bet you can imagine what I did next…

I came.

Yep, not even gonna lie about it, I busted in her hand, in my pants, like a 12 year old watching scrambled, softcore, HBO porn. I was as embarassed as I’ve ever been. How do you even explain something like that to someone? Before I could over react, like I’m prone to doing, she looked me in the eye, smiled and said:

Natalie: Still got one more in the chamber, handsome?

She wasn’t even freaked out by the fact that I just practically glued her hand to my crotch. This is amazing, this is the greatest moment of my life, this is..

I came again.

Cadryn: WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?!

Keep in mind, Natalie hadn’t adjusted her hands, hadn’t moved, nothing. I was just going off like a sprinkler system in a fire. I couldn’t control it. By this time tomorrow, I’ll be dead if this keeps up.

Natalie: Well, at least I know you’re a sure thing. Grab the costume and come on!

Still gushing like the falls of Niagra I waddle over and grab the costume and we make haste for my hotel room.

Once inside my room she begins to tell me all of the horrible, vile, disgustingly amazing, glorious, beautiful things she wants to do to me. And wouldn’t you know it.

I came again.

I’m about to just put a cork in the son of a bitch, because this is getting to be a tad bit ridiculous.

Anyways, Natalie makes her way into the bathroom to “freshen up” before what I can only imagine is about to be the greatest night of my life. So while she is in there, for no reason at all, I hurry up and shed every single article of clothing except for this belly shirt I’m wearing, and stand proudly in front of the wall mirror in my room.

Damn I look good, I thought to myself.

DUDE THAT BUSH, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Natalie comes out of the bathroom completely nude.

I came again.

See a pattern here?

So she comes up to me and starts running her fingers through my bush like she’s petting a cat or a dog or some shit. I dig it. But then I realized something: I’m a virgin. The most action I’ve seen is from my own mother, and well, we know how that all turned out. So now I begin to get nervous. I’m nauseous, I feel feint, and everything is starting to spin. She picks up the Woody head and puts it down on top of her shoulders.

Perfection, is the best word I can use to describe what I was seeing in front of me. She grabs me and throws me down on the bed, and well, the rest is history.

I guess they were right.

Disneyland is the most magical place in the world!

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