Live from the White House!

Tig O'Bitties: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing first... Standing at 6' 5" and weighing 250 pounds. He is a self-made multi-billionaire! A movie and TV star! From New York City, now residing at 1600 Pennsylvania "fucking" Avenue! Your Head of State. Your Commander in Chief with the power to unleash hell onto whoever he wants. PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP!!!

D: Thank you, Ms. O'Bitties. It is a pleasure for me to name you as my brand new personal ring announcer.

Earlier today, Donald Trump named Tig O'Bitties the head of his new Department of Entrances. This department's main function will be to make sure that every entrance that Donald Trump makes is tremendous and memorable. For starters, his microphone and podium are now gold. No, not completely gold and comical looking as the liberals would try to make it sound, but elegant and classy.

D: I'll be taking questions now.

A gang of reporters tried to talk over this poor reporter about refugees and vetting, but Donald hushed them and took the nice young lady's question.

Reporter: Mr. President, the question on every American's mind right now: Who designed your new podium?

D: Fantastic question. It was done by a French artist named Régine Bourque. Well, I say artist but I guess she's also a carpenter. Look at it though, it is a piece of art. Just like all of the deals that I've been making lately; works of art. Let's take another question.

Some guy wants to talk about immigration but Trump shushes him and takes a different reporter.

Reporter: Mr. President, do you feel like you did the right thing last Wednesday on Warfare?

D: Another great question. Look, I made a deal. Nobody forced Soldier into anything. How many times do I have to say it? I've perfected the art of deal making. I'm like a carpenter who's constantly in his shop, carving away at his next big idea. Sanding and polishing until he has something to present that his people will love. That is what I did last week with Unknown Soldier. A man who's never been bought into submission before other than by the devil and Donald Trump. But you see the devil's goal is to deceive or manipulate, correct? I am the opposite. I first offer the truth to my opponent because more often than not, they are sadly misinformed. Then I offer a deal because quite frankly, if I see or sense that something is of a low priority, then I say, "hey, I have other things to do and you're not interesting to me. Take fifty grand and hit the bricks."

And that is exactly the deal that I gave Soldier. A man who's been tortured for centuries by the devil has finally braced the light. He was so enthused about our deal, (a deal that would have ended holy wars and genocides.) that he's already set up a date for being baptized, and he's donating the money for a new chapel to be built in Trump Tower. A nice, golden statue of Jesus Christ to watch over my family while I'm away running the country.

I've given more to Unknown Soldier than anyone in his life ever has. Ive paid him better than anyone ever has and I've protected him more than anyone else. He would have been severely beaten by me last week but instead he opted for a peaceful deal. What can I say? I make the best deals and if you don't believe me then ask Soldier. Yes, ask your World Tag Team champion why he forfeited. He'll tell you that yielding and walking away unscathed with 50 grand in his wallet is better than ending up in a hospital bed in a country where our healthcare system is a disaster. I am going to be repealing Obamacare very soon. Unknown Soldier told me, after he tucked his tail between his legs and ran away, that Obamacare is such a disaster that he's considered relocating to an American hospital for a better hell experience. Why do you think he ran away? It's partially because he has Obamacare and doesn't want to pay an arm and a leg after I put him in the hospital. Cause look, I spoke with Soldier after he had to make the biggest, cowardly decision of his career. I asked him, "Soldier, what made you decide to take the deal?" And you know what the coward said to me? The coward said, "Donald, the price of healthcare in this country is astronomical and I can't afford a hospital bill on top of my rent, electricity, water, gas, and meth."

You know what I said to him?

I looked at Soldier straight in the eye, and I simply said, "I understand that you are weak but give me your trust and I will make America Great Again." Soldier looked up at me with a tear in each eye and said, "Donald, you are what this country needs. I forfeited our match out of fear aaand because I want to fight for you-- not against you."

I told Soldier, "thank you." And just as I was about to walk away, he took me by the shoulder and said, "Donald, please have this, you are more worthy."

And as you'd expect, he handed me this.

Donald holds up a title belt that looks to be the XWF Tag Team Title.

D: Unknown Soldier gave me this title belt and told me to defend it for him since I am the partner that Doc deserved all along.

Tig O'Bitties: No more questions!


D: Thank you, Tig. I'll answer more questions very soon. I have a phone call to make to Doc. I'm gonna make sure that Doc doesn't let us down the way his tag partner let all of his fans down. Doc, I am now your Tag Champion.

Deals, my friends. Learn deal making and you can win a round of fighting and earn a championship without breaking a sweat.

I'm going to be offering Doc a deal that's similar to the one I made to Soldier. Except I'll be asking him to have my back 100% of the way when I'm in the ring negotiating peace or squashing my opponents. I have Doc's number here in my hand and I'll be sending him a text message for dinner arrangements. Thank you everyone!