It’s a beautiful February afternoon: the skies are grey, the wind is bitter, the trees are bare and the temperature is just warm enough for the precipitation to be rain rather than snow. Everyone in the world is so happy right now because the day couldn’t be any more perfect: ladies are shivering their way up the sidewalk; worthless homeless fucks are sitting on their wet cardboard blankets and sneezing their homeless AIDS germs all over the world; venture capitalists are stuck in traffic in the back seat of their cozy limos bitching about the age of their scotch; and about a dozen or so vagina-hat-wearing social justice warrior women are out marching in the streets for the rights they already have.

Meanwhile we see Buronan Deadpool, as happy and jolly and gay as any of these folks as he skips up the sidewalk whistling a silly little tune that makes him appreciate the life of a vigilante even more. DeadPool is currently wearing Buronan gear right now, which in case you were unaware of what that is, consists of: a black Kylo Ryn mask which Buronan mistook for a wrestling mask, a black one piece wrestling leotard covered with a baggy black shirt and baggy black sweat pants, and a pair of black wrestling boots. We tend to believe that Buronan had been going through some form of emo phase at the time of choosing this outfit.

So given all of that, DeadPool had to find a shop where he could get his own duds and duds for his new sidekick, DeadShot. But for some reason, God’s manager, [insert sexual verbiage acronym here], suggested that rather than portraying DeadShot, Trax should instead dress up as Curious George. Perhaps this would spur favor from God? DeadPool wasn’t convinced though; Curious George would make for a terrible sidekick. Just ask The Man in the Yellow Hat- George was always fucking shit up. But to George’s credit, The Man in the Yellow Hat was always placing an awful lot of faith in a monkey. I mean how on earth could you expect a monkey not to act like a monkey when you leave him alone in your Manhattan-styled apartment?

“Here, George! Stay here and safe guard this priceless painting for me! I’ll be right back from doing human stuff.”

George, a fucking chimpanzee, then obviously destroys the priceless painting and The Dumbass in the Yellow Hat returns and is all asshole-ish and surprised like:

“Geoooooorge, I can’t believe you did that! HOWEVER AM I GOING TO FIX THIS!?!”

Then he leaves it up to George to fuckup more shit while trying to fix more of his fuckups because he’s a goddamn monkey for crying out loud! It’s kind of like Game Girl leaving a non-winning shit-ass like Hero XTreme 7.9 alone to deal with DeadPool and DeadShot and expecting him and his manager not to completely fuck up their chances of winning the Lethal Lottery.

“Would you shut up, narrator? I can’t hear myself think!”

DeadPool continued up the sidewalk until he reached his destination, it was a bustling urban storefront with a sign reading:

MoonlightComics: COSPLAY CONTEST TODAY!

“BINGO!”

And then DeadPool couldn’t help himself has he lightly hummed:

“B-I-N-G-O and BINGO was his name-o”

DeadPool enters the comic book store and is shocked at what he finds. There are literally dozens of idiots dressed like DeadPool, and the only other recognizable person who is being portrayed with such popularity is Harley Quinn, the Margot Robbie version.

Every which way he turns he sees a DeadPool and a Harley Quinn. They’re in all shapes, colors and sizes. Mostly obese, smothered with acne and reeking of virgin; entering into a complete panic, DeadPool scours throughout the comic book store looking for a DeadShot costume but it’s to no avail. He’s S.O.L because people just aren’t dressing up as black people anymore; it’s not safe anymore, welcome to Trump’s America.

DeadPool sees a fat DeadPool working behind the counter and approaches him.


“Hey man, do you know where I can fin-“

“Ren-he-he-ha-en-ha”

TubbyPool starts snickering with a gay little lisp,

“What?”

“Hey buddy, who made your Kylo Ren cosstume? Hanss Sslow-Mo?!?! Res-he-ha-har-rens!”

“Sorry, I don’t speak hentai-bator.”

“What do you need Sstar Boress?”

“I’m trying to find some DeadShot gear.”

“Res-he-ha-har-rens!”

“Why do you keep laughing like that? You sound like Gizmo being taken advantage of by one of those evil Gremlins.”

“Lisssten pal. DeadSsshot isss like sssso two monthsss ago.”

“Well that doesn’t make sense. If DeadShot is two months ago, then why are all these unattractive women still dressed as Harley Quinn?”

“Becasssue Harleyss forever, sssame asss DeadPool, dummie.”

“...Listen man, do you have any DeadShot gear, or not?”

The fat DeadPool guy lets out a sigh,

“Follow me, Newb Ssaibot.”

I can’t do justice to, or rightly describe just how awkward it looked seeing DeadPool follow behind fat DeadPool to the DeadShot section, so I won’t; but just know that it was extremely awkward.

“Our sslecsion iss ssuper limited now, but here you go.”

DeadPool looks up to the shelf and sees only one large child’s sized DeadShot TShirt. Oh, and also a DeadShot mask! How lucky is that? DeadPool grabs the items and turns around to notice the tubby DeadPool imposter clerk walking toward what appears to be the store’s back room.

Our hero ponders for a moment, scratching his head, his chin, his ass, and then his balls before sniffing his finger and coming to the conclusion that he was going to bum rush this fatso and steal his outfit along with stealing the DeadShot gear. He didn’t have any money obviously, and sometimes vigilantes need to bend, or even break the law to help serve the greater good.

DeadPool rushes him, sending a battering-ram-like shoulder directly into the clerk’s back causing humpty-dumpty to crash through the door to the back room of the store.

“Aaagghsss!!! Fusck!!! Ssstop it Kylo you dick!”

In the back room the store radio is playing Boz Scagg’s: Lido Shuffle, the same song DeadPool was whistling earlier, and the song that DeadPool now proceeds to beat the clerk’s ass to. The attack is fairly vicious and kind of uncomfortable to watch. DeadPool sends multiple stomps to the clerk’s face each time he tries raising his fat head, eventually splitting the side of his face with a nasty gash and knowing him unconscious.

It takes him a few moments, but DeadPool is finally able to wrestle the costume off of the clerk’s obese, jellyroll covered frame- but just then…

“HEY EVERYONE! KYLO REN JUST ATTACKED RANDY AND STOLE HIS COSTUME!”

An army of DeadPools and Harley Quinns begin to chase after our DeadPool as he leads them out to the store front and into the street. Suddenly the Cosplay Army is met in the middle of the busy road by the Social Justice Warrior Women who are trying to shut down the boulevard with thier vagina hat protest. The Cosplayers look around, desperately trying to find DeadPool who is hiding behind a naked black woman with some edgy abortion message written on her body with white paint.

AND SUDDENLY BLAM! FUCK! SLAM! SPLAT! SCREECH! SCREAM! SPLAT! DENT!

The venture capitalist’s limo plows through the Cosplay Army and the protesting women, possibly killing a few, and certainly injuring many others as DeadPool escapes through the alleyways and heads toward DeadShot’s secret hideout.

One hour later...

DING DONG!

DeadPool rings the bell to DeadShot's secret hideout, which is really just Trax's estate. Trax DeadShot opens the door to find DeadPool standing outside, looking like Robbie Bourbon having received liposuction with his DeadPool duds piratically hanging off from him.

He holds up the super small TShirt and the DeadShot mask as his new sidekick tightens his brow, looking dumbfounded at his tagteam partner and perhaps thinking that he's made a huge mistake...

"Let's commence the tamale-touching!"

The scene fades...