Austin Fernando, one of the opponents facing the Black Hand at Snow Job for the vacant Tag Team Titles, has produced another series of promos in his usual style.

YET ANOTHER VANILLA PROMO FROM THE FERNANDO FACTORY

We open to see Robbie in the driver seat of the van. Pest is riding shotgun, and Morbid and Blue are seated in the back.

Honey, why doesn't Austin ever just release one decent promo instead of being an idiot and releasing two really shitty ones?

Well, babe, let's not judge. We just need to pull out our Austin Fernando checklist!

First part of the checklist; did he namedrop? Why yes, yes he did. He namedropped a ton of people trying to demonstrate some comparative value. Why, he brought up all sorts of people! He brought up Old Man Feder, the last we heard of him he was, oh wait, we haven't fucking heard from him because he was too chickenshit to even face me in a handicap match. He brought up D'Ville, and how fun it was for him to lose to him.

Pest: Robert, for him it was a moral victory.

Well I call it blatant faggotry. These are the names Austin and Luca whisper to each other while making sure their assholes are well greased before hitting the sack. So, that's two parts of the checklist; the namedrop, and the blatant faggotry.

Pest: Austin will not understand what you mean when you say that.

Well, okay, I'll be more clear. What the fuck does he mean about my 'alignment'? What, is he fantasy statting the XWF for some lame ass RPG? Alignment? Jesus, that is the goofiest shit I've ever heard. Who fucking talks like that? Do you ever do that? Imagine, you go to court for a speeding ticket, you go to pay it, and you're like 'my name is Austin, my address is some shithole of a dump where I push rope into my wife while thinking of Luca to actually get some semblance of a pulse flowing to my balls, my alignment is chaotic neutral, I'm here to pay a fine for blatant faggotry'.

Nobody fucking talks like that!

Anyway, that's 2 for 2. Okay, next, did he compare resumes? Yes he did! 3 for 3! Hell, he compared resumes with four of us, so you know what? 6 for 6. He said mid-card, so that's 7 for 7. Man, that's an awesome fucking catchphrase. The fans are on the edge of their god damned seats, waiting to hear Austin say 'mid-card'. Ever notice all of Austin's opponents are 'mid-card'?

Pest: What exactly does that mean, Robert?

Nothing, really, but using transitive logic, if Austin keeps bringing up how his opposition is 'mid-card', what the fuck does that make him? Mid-card. Also, nobody fucking talks like that. It's made of gobbledygook. You want me to bring up facts, and that's a sweet Feder impersonation there guy, but you want me to bring up facts while using empty fucking nonsense language.

The people deserve better than this. This is why I put a bounty on your head, Austin. Not because I'm scared. Hell no. What the fuck is scary about you? You have a checklist of things you're going to do in every promo, every match, and it becomes just the same ole' song and dance. You know the words, you know the dance. And you aren't disappointing. That promo work was definitely rated Austin Fernando out of Austin Fernando. No, Austin, the people deserve better than having your rehashed reruns and leftovers tossed in the microwave and served crusty and stale. They deserve something hot, fresh, and flame grilled.

What do you know about fire, stud?

Facts is this; Pest is going to pin you at Snow Job. Pest is going to pin you at Snow Job after I smash you through chain-link fenced cage. Pest is going to pin you at Snow Job after I smash you through chain-link fenced cage, and then, Austin, then you can add my name as something to drop when you're trying to sound impressive to, well, whomever hasn't ever heard an Austin Fernando promo before. Peter and your partner want to know why I'm not going after you myself? I am, you're just dodging the challenge. You're not doing it because you're a pussy, though. You're doing it because you're smart enough to know you wouldn't ever walk out of that match as Xtreme Champion. The would-be be-all-end-all of the XWF, ladies and gentlemen, the incredible Austin Fernando, but at the same time too fragile to fight. How about you fucking pick one, stud.

On that note, Chris Macbeth and Alexis Riot, if you're listening, keep it up. You can try to pin him again. I'm not picky. C'mon, XWF.

Let's see if Austin Fernando is worth the words he says he is.