---

---

---

---

Christopher: Robbie sure does have a quick trigger finger, doesn't he, Dusty? I mean, I didn't have time to pick out which clip I filmed of us to use.

Dustin: Yeah, it's like he had the first half of the video recorded and stood at the zoo like a fucking creep until we uploaded ours first.

Christopher: I'm willing to guess that he has his students edit the film together in order to get it out as quick possible, like the Chinese do. I mean, I hope not, but I'm willing to guess that he does.

[Dustin and Chris laugh among themselves for a little bit, imagining that the 'dojo' Robbie talks about is nothing more than some sort of alias for a video production company that promotes free labor.]

Dustin: Imagine if his mother had to pick up the kids because Robbie's a terrible guardian that only cares about getting the shot.

Christopher: I know, right? You see, me and Dustin aren't filmmakers. Probably vloggers, but not filmmakers. We can't really follow a script very well and if our stuff was scripted, we'd never be able to upload anything because, let's face it, we aren't all that professional.

[Dustin prepares to pull out his phone and load up Robbie's newest promo.]

Christopher: However, like the professionals, we choose to stick with the actors philosophy of never working with kids or animals. Robbie here said 'fuck it' and did it anyways. Well done, Robbie. Now tell me how it goes when those orangutans snap and try to kill little Joey over there. Wouldn't be so amazed by that, will ya?

Dustin: What are you talking about, brah? He'll take it under his wing and call it the alpha of his students.

Christopher: There's no way he can be that heartless, brah.

Dustin: With the matches he's been in? You should believe anything. Here, let me load up his video and skip the parts where he's being an asshole to his family.

Christopher: That's just what alphas do, according to him. Then again, if someone were to challenge him, I'd imagine he'd beg that man to stop and beg for mercy.

[Dustin chuckles as he plays the latest promo Bourbon made just for him.]

Mondo the Fat Said:Ah. Sorry, Chris, do you mind if I call you Chris?

Christopher: Only if you're too lazy to call me Christopher, but I don't really care either way.

Fat Bastard Said:I apologize for not having watched more of your work. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find that spectacular Christopher Isles career highlights special on Netflix or even a Blu-Ray of it on Amazon. Yikes, that's right, because there's no such animal and it just doesn't exist.

Christopher: I'd be amazed if it does, though. I mean, me and Dustin have our old matches saved on my laptop and no one had access to them other than me. Trust me, brah, I'm not that well known outside of my hometown. Want to know why? I don't upload my matches to YouTube, and even if I did, they'd be taken down because of copyright laws and all that. I mean, come on, we had Korn, Rage, Celldweller, and I don't know who else we had over our fights. Frankly that doesn't matter as much as you wanting to see one of our bouts. Shit man, all you had to do was ask.

It doesn't mean I'll show you one right this moment. I still have the rest of your promo to get through after all.

Supersized Said:There's backyard, and there's big leagues.

Christopher: Funny you should say that while I'm in the 'big leagues' with a 4-1 record. You only had two matches here and you lost one of them. You're not really setting me straight with talk like that, dude.

Im Running Out of Fat Jokes Said:I'm the man who's going to let your mom watch your brains get bashed in over a thousand X-bux.

Dustin: Hey Chris, does your mother even watch the show?

Christopher: Nah. Last I was concerned, she was still in rehab for all that heavy drinking. She doesn't even know I made it to the XWF to begin with.

Dustin: Would you say that Robbie attempted to intimidate you without knowing that your mother doesn't give a shit what you do?

Christopher: Pretty much, brah. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to become a politician after he's done wrestling. You know, like Jesse Ventura did.

Expired Drink Said:Now the first thing I recommend is getting over Peter Gilmour and his lovely assistant. They're not relevant to me, oh no, not relevant at all sir.

Christopher: They will be when they storm the ring and take the thousand X-Bux for some bullshit charity case to get the confederate flag back in the air. Then you'll be thanking me when I have to put those bozos in their place again. You might not realize it because your head will look like a jar of raspberry jelly broke all over your face, but you'll thank me.

Dustin: He called us gay, as well.

Christopher: Well wrestling's a gay sport, brah.

Dustin: Yeah, he likes to practice groping men in order to prep himself for every match.

Christopher: Shut the fuck up!

[Dustin and Chris laugh at each other before getting back on track.]

Christopher: Besides, if you want to make it big in this business, or in your case, become the Alpha of the federation, you'll have to get used to having your ass grabbed and exposing that bulge of yours in tights or, if you don't like the friction, jeans.

Someone that isnt Listening Said:So, since you're going to put me under a microscope, let's put you under one. Robo-Rob?

As he says this, Robo-Rob, the copy of the robot from Rocky IV that has been painted to look like it's wearing a Robbie Bourbon mask, rolls into view.

So, I'm fat...

The sound of crickets chirping come from Robo-Rob.

And that's about it.

Christopher: Really? No comments about how I called you out for lying to your fans and your own mother? Nothing about how those three men added nothing of importance to your promo and could've been replaced by anyone? I thought you were listening to the shit I was saying, not being selective about it.

Dustin: Oh man he's getting poetic in this next bit. Should I skip it, brah?

Christopher: You might as well. I'll come back with some of my own, but I just want to get through this shit.

Dustin: You're the boss, dude.

[Dustin skips the freestyle poetry to get to more trash.]

Alpha Beard Said:We don't have to scrape and claw for scraps like the bottom of the food chain.

Christopher: We're part of the same fucking species! Distributing food shouldn't be a problem!

Motor Mouth Said:My world view is just above yours. I'm at a higher station. Like Clyde sitting over there in his cage he calls home with all his little buddies, I'm up top, looking below, watching and waiting, as all the betas run around.

Dustin: Is he even there yet?

Christopher: Not according to the federation's champions, no. He's just another guppy waiting for a shot at food. Welcome to the bottom feeders club, how desperate are you?

The Worlds Worst Super Villain Said:Uh, you do realize that I have a personal army of henchmen, right?

Christopher: Henchmen?

Dustin: Where?

Christopher: You mean your students that have never appeared on any XWF show? I know you don't have high hopes for any of them, but calling them henchmen and goons doesn't really sound like any of them are going to live long. Better get used to paying for their funeral, 'cause that'll be happening a lot with wording like that.

The Man that Never Shuts Up Said:Un-Motherfucking-pinned. Un-Motherfucking-submitted.

Christopher: Doesn't make you un-motherfucking-beatable. Hell, in a ladder match, mentioning that you've never been pinned or submitted doesn't really matter. What matters is how long I can keep you on your back so I can grab that cash prize. It's meager, but it gets me one step closer to a title shot.

Walt Disney is my Hero Said:With a build like this, I reckon I would've been a shoe in for Baloo. Nope. You immediately went to Shere Khan. Motherfuckin' Alpha, god damn! Even the snake in the jungle wanted nothing to do with him.

Christopher: I read the Jungle Book, doofus. I hate to spoil you with something you never read, but Kaa had no relation with Shere Khan in the book. Even better, Mowgli, Akela, and Grey Brother fucking murder him and remove his hide! It's amazing what Disney cuts out, isn't it?

Dead Animal Lover Said:You want to know what movie animal you should think of me as, Chris? King Kong.

Christopher: Hey, another animal that ends up losing in the end. You're not very good with analogies, are you? What, was calling yourself Godzilla un-American and you wanted to go with an American made monster? Well there's the Manta Man, the Sky Splitter, the Copenhagen Devil, and Bigfoot, for starters. Maybe you know more than I do, but come on, at least those guys are possibly still alive.

Hey, since you're fond of freestyle poetry, I'll leave you with some.

[Chris clears his throat.]

Christopher: I've wanted to become a wrestler since I was eight,
An untamed spirit always fighting fate.
It doesn't matter if I'll get a lot of hate,
I just want to have fun while putting food on the plate.
Bourbon, this isn't up for debate;
You'll be KOed in that ring while I celebrate.

[Chris waves to the camcorder as the scene cuts to black.]