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"Loverboy" - WTF.
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Vincent Lane Offline
Rock n' Rolling XWF Owner and Megastar
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#1
04-12-2015, 03:20 PM Heart  "Loverboy" - WTF. -->




“Welcome to the WTF Podcast, this is your host as always, Marc Maron, and I’m joined today by XWF superstar…”

“Megastar, dude.”

“Excuse me… XWF MEGAstar, “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane. Vinnie how’s it going? I see you brought your Cambot to record this too.”

“Yeah, totally, man, I’m going to upload this to the XWF Network if it’s cool with you… but fir right now, can we just get right to it? I don’t have a lot of time left, I need to get to my radio spot so I can go back to trying as hard as I can to being exactly like Mastermind.”

A few awkward moments of silence, nothing more than the humming of the Cambot’s recording device as “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane seems to patiently wait for his host to answer him.

After waiting just long enough for the atmosphere to thicken up to ‘cut it with a knife’ levels, Loverboy howls with laughter. Maron's voice comes over the speakers timidly.

“You dick… you caught me off guard on that one. Just throw some shit out there, man, fulfill your contract for the match and don’t worry about the quality of the content. God knows Mastermind isn’t worrying about his.”

“Oh man, though, dude I really had you going! I wish the people at home could see your face, dude! This is the worst part of podcasts, man.”

“Nobody wants to see my face, trust me.”

“Oh boo hoo hoo, just because you look like Eric Stoltz in ‘Mask’ you think you can whine and cry. Not on my podcast, buster! And screw you for even thinking for a second that I was serious about aping Mastermind! What the hell is the matter with you, dude?”

“I just… forget it, you’re right.”

“Damn straight I’m right! Look at this dumbass going on and on in his latest rant against me on the XWF Network, dude! The old man is running out of steam faster than a leaky teapot. Listen to him, here, play the clip…”

The audio switches over to the low-quality sound of Mastermind’s New Zealand-quality equipment. A hissing of tape running through wheels reveals that he’s actually still refusing to use digital methods and is sticking to archaic studio techniques.

Evil Mastermind Said:“The mere factor that you were on a radio show other than anything else like a Television Show means that you are running around feeling the heat. You've actually turned into a copy cat.”

“Dude… do you think Mastermind has glaucoma? Is it possible that his stigmatism is flaring up or something, man? Maybe cataracts? I was on a television show, right? Correct me if I’m wrong…”

“No, you’re right. Good Morning Cincinnati is a TV spot for Channel 10 news. Pretty much the exact thing Mastermind said he’d expected you to do.”

Yeah, right, exactly. That’s why you could see things like what I was wearing and what was going on without my voice having to tell you, right? It’s not like an old radio episode of ‘The Shadow’ or whatever, it’s visual. Yet here’s Mastermind telling all six of his loyal XWF fans that not only am I doing a radio show called Good Morning Cincinnati, but that I’m actually ripping him off by doing it.”

“He did go on the air in Cincy before you did, though.”

“Whoop-de-doo, Marc! How about me being on The Bone in Tampa just two weeks ago to promote Lethal Lottery and talk about my successful title defense against Cain? I’m a cog in the XWF machine, man, I happily help promote the product. Promoting the XWF is promoting Loverboy. Go on the XWF website right now. You see my face three times, don’t you? Right at the top, a permanent representative of the TOP talent in the company. Center stage, in front of everyone else, to promote the weekly shows and the pay per views. Then again, right in the coveted ‘star of the month’ slot. I’m all over the place, dude.”

“Yes, you definitely are… what a month of March you did have, too, Vinnie. The Lottery seemed like it might be within your grasp, you won the Madness Series, you became the Federweight Champion and have held it for a long time, and of course, as you’re defending it this week against Mastermind, the first new-era HART Champion as well.”

“Yeah dude, it’s been the best month of my XWF career by far, that’s for sure. You know, I’ve had the star of the month award coming for quite some time, man. Probably as long as I’ve been in the XWF. People have been calling for it ever since, dude, for real. Last month I thought I had it locked up, but you know, we had the whole Defiance thing going on before it totally fell apart like we all knew it would, and they used Shane to get Gator one more moment in the sun before he rode off into the sunset… which is fine, man, really… dude’s a good guy ad a friend and I was happy to see him get the recognition… but we all knew it was mine.”

“We’ve got some more audio here from Mastermind… Jesus, did he record it in a basement?”

“Worse. He used New Zealand editing techniques. Probably has a radio tied together with bamboo and eucalyptus, man.”

Evil Mastermind Said:"This week you thought you could cope, but as the week progressed, the more you lost it. The more you are losing to hang on to the people thinking that you can still be the Hart Champion coming out of Monday. This week you've met your match, that you can't seem to beat. I, Mastermind, have stepped up the challenge it's been crazy. Crazy I tell you."

“You know what really IS crazy, Marc? The fact that my opponent, the ‘Master of Minds,’ honestly seems to think that talking longer and more often equates success in the ring. Dude, listen. I’ve pointed this out before but it bears repeating… I’m in the peak of my life. The prime of my physical ability and my career. I can afford to spend a little time enjoying the lifestyle that comes along with being a high profile celebrity and still carry the load in the ring, you know? I can be a champion and a megastar at the same time. Mastermind? Mastermind is already over the hump, man, and he’s about to start rolling downhill hard. Every second Mastermind spends NOT preparing and training to fight me in that cage on Monday is a second he’ll have to blame for his embarrassing loss. Memories and regrets, dude, that’s what Mastermind has in store for himself, and he has no one but himself to blame, man! Because the Mastermind from before, before the mirrors and the talking to himself and the general Asylum bullshit, THAT Mastermind was a professional. THAT Mastermind was ready, win lose or draw.

Now, this allegedly new, better, edgier Mastermind wants to try and mince words with me, which is a bad idea for anyone, dude, obviously… I mean, I AM the Federweight Champion, the longest-reigning one ever, for that matter, for a reason… he’s running his mouth and he seems proud of how longwinded he’s become, too. Look, I’m no angel when it comes to running my mouth… I’ve had plenty to say against everyone I’ve ever been up against, but dude, I back it up in the ring! What did Mastermind ever accomplish in the ring? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He thinks he’s some kind of hero for his worthless country, and he won’t even just accept the fact that no one who isn’t FROM New Zealand gives a shit ABOUT New Zealand. Play that bit, Marc.”

“Got it queued up now, Vinnie…”

Evil Mastermind Said:"4 and a half million people live here. I go home for a break every once in a while. Sometimes I spend up to 2 to 3 straight weeks on tour before I even try and attempt to get home for a few days. So you see New Zealand is no jungle island. It's made up of 5 cities, and heaps of smaller towns in between.

“Wow! Four and a half million people! How many people live in Cincinnati, Marc?”

“Um… according to Wikipedia, it’s around two and half million in the metro area.”

“Great job, Mastermind! Your entire country is SLIGHTLY better than Cincinnati. That’s where you rank. Now there are two groups of people in the entire world who can try to act proud of being about as good as Cincinnati. New Zealand, and the Cleveland Browns. That’s got to feel good, right?

Dude goes on to talk about some political alliance the U.S. has with the kiwis and everyone watching immediately fell asleep as if they were watching C-Span in a garage with the engine running. Good for you, New Zealand, you’re cool by association because you swing off the right pair of nuts. If I were you, I’d do everything I could to tell America how much I love them too.”

“He seemed to really take offense when you said he didn’t care about his fans, though, you might have struck a nerve.”

“Yea, I definitely did, Marc. But the truth hurts, doesn’t it? You love your fans, Mastermind? Then why not perform in front of them? Instead, you try and put me down as a lowlife for attending as many shows as I’m physically capable of, calling me an indie darling or something, as if that’s an insult. For one thing, every appearance I make is sanctioned by the XWF, per the terms of my contract, and for another, I do it FOR MY FANS. For YOUR fan, too. I’ve seen him at every show I’ve done at the special school downtown.

Instead of doing anything like that, Mastermind does what he knows how to do best. He throws money around. Oh, he buys plane tickets and hotel rooms for people to travel to America, where they probably immediately run off and try to avoid immigration for the next five years, using all that crazy aborigine bush knowledge to stay under the radar. Why not do something good for your community instead of just bringing more inbred rabble over to the States, Mastermind? You guys are spreading like measles in an anti-vaxxer community and it’s all thanks to you not knowing how to properly entertain a fan base. You can’t even entertain your own fiancée, Maria! That’s how I got this picture right here of her and Roxy going down on me at the same time, dude!”

“Whoa, Vinnie, some really harsh words there…”

“Yeah dude, I’m getting sick and tired of having to constantly defend my actions and my lifestyle to someone who isn’t willing to put in the work that I do. Look at him. He talks about shitting himself at the idea of fighting Sebastian Duke a year after he’s been in the XWF. My THIRD MATCH in the XWF was me facing and pinning Duke for the Trios Championships. It’s what got me noticed in the first place, man. I didn’t wait around until there was no one left ahead of me in line, dude, I went and I took what I deserved. I did what Mastermind is both unwilling and incapable of doing.”

“You know, he actually suggested you were unprepared. That you weren’t ready. He thinks you’ve gone soft.”

“The only thing that’s gone soft is his tiny pecker in his old age. Let me hear it again.”

Evil Mastermind Said:"But because this week has been hard on you, I will turn it around in such a flash, that you will become the prey, and there is nothing that you can do to do about it. I've proven it. I'm ready, but as the week's progressed, you don't look to be ready. You are trembling in fear. You are running, running, running.”

“Yeah dude, I’ve been running, sure. You should take your own advice to heart and start running on that 10,000 dollar treadmill in your mansion that you just use to hang your extra snuggies on. Lose some of that fupa you’ve grown in your 40’s and get into shape, man. Marc, do I look like I’m out of shape, dude?”

“No, not at all.”

“Do I look like a man who isn’t ready to face the challenge of Mastermind in the cage?”

“Not even close, you look phenomenal, Vinnie.”

“I’m not gay, Marc, but thanks for the eye-fucking you were giving me right there. I’m flattered. Tell me something, Mastermind, and I know you’ll be watching this as soon as you find a library in Cincinnati with free wifi… did I look unprepared in the Madness Series Stampede? Did I look unprepared when I handed Game Boy and Mystica that loss in the Lethal Lottery? Did I look like I was in over my head when I beat Cain last time around and retained my HART Title? Have I EVER looked unprepared when I was in the ring against you, beating you, leaving you in a pile of sweat and disappointment, the same way you leave your girlfriend? No. Never.

I don’t go into any match unprepared, because I’m genetically superior to most human beings and was BORN prepared. Moves you spent years perfecting I learned in one try. Techniques I’ve developed in the ring are so far beyond anything you know how to do that you need to see them through a telescope. And yet I work out, I practice, I train… all so I can maintain the dozen steps ahead of losers like you that I am, man. You can’t catch what you can’t see, dude, and you might as well be staring at the sun right now. Cover your eyes and look away, Mastermind, because the image of me beating you AGAIN is going to be permanently burned into your retinas this Monday night.”

“I was a little impressed that he stuck to his guns on your claim to being the so-called ‘king of the cage,’ Vinnie. I think it’s pretty interesting, when you think about it. Both you and Mastermind have had some great matches and great victories inside of cages, and you both share the one same glaring loss. That’s some great drama! Listen to what he had to say…”

Evil Mastermind Said:"The first part of that was good Boi. We will determine come Monday, who is really going to be the king of the cage. We'll go from one cage to the other, to the third and final one. We will get ourselves caught up so much in the cage structure that it'll change our careers. But the last part is wrong.

“Yeah Marc, you’re right. It’s great drama. The thing is though, dude, is that for Mastermind it’s ONLY drama. I’m the guy who’s going to go in and back up every word that I’ve said to him this week. I’m the guy who’s leaving unchanged, unscathed. I’ll still be a champion. I’ll still be the king of the cage. I’ll still be every bit as incredible as I was for my last match and the match before that. I am always getting better, dude, always improving. I’m evolving right in front of your eyes week after week, whereas Mastermind is stuck in the same rut he’s been in since he first joined the XWF ranks.

When Mastermind climbs into the ring this week, he’ll see two things: twisted steel and sex appeal. He has no answer for either one of them, and I’m going to go further than just winning this time around, Marc. I’m going to make an example of Mastermind. I’m going to prove that I’m out of that league and that the main event level is the ONLY place you be seeing the rock n’ roll megastar from now on. This match is the highlight of Mastermind’s career, dude, but it’s just a rung on a ladder to me. And just like how this week my HART Championship belt will be hanging over the top of a steel ladder at the top of that cage, soon enough it will be me climbing the last few rungs on MY ladder to reach the Universal Championship and Doctor Louis D’Ville.

Bet on it, dude.”

“Vinnie I’ve got to say, you are fired up and chomping at the bit to get in that cage on Monday Madness… we’re all out of time here on the WTF Podcast, but before we sign off do you have any last parting words of advice for your opponent, Mastermind.”

“I do, Marc. I’m a fair and considerate performer, as you well know. So, I’ve got one thing to suggest to Mastermind leading into this week’s main event…

RUN.”

The audio cuts out as the WTF Podcast comes to a close.
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