Tons of images float over the screen showing Hysteria wearing a black suit and tie as he talks to people or is standing outside in the weather talking to the screen in front of him. The theme song plays as the graphic pops up that reads…

The Asylum Nighty News!: With Hysteria

The theme song fades out as the camera floats in to show Hysteria wearing his suit and having a brown-toupee on top of his mask. It looks outrageous, but strangely debonair. He shuffles his papers before setting them down in front of him.

Welcome to The Asylum Nightly News and for joining me on this beautiful February 12th night. Our top stories for the night are the incoming rallies of the ISIS forces in the East as well as emergence of a large threat in the Northeast worth keeping your wives, husbands, and children indoors for. But before we get to those stories, let’s send it over to Zoey with the weather!

The camera switches to Zoey Ryback shown in front of a green screen showing the north east and the Doppler Radar is shown behind her.

Well Zoey, what can you tell us about the week upcoming?

The upcoming week we are predicting heavy downpours of overcompensating for monstrocitous acts. Also on late Sunday we are predicting a heavy flurry of one-liners and cheap pops!

Really Zoey? Late Sunday? At the very end of the week?

Patterns suggest that that’s when that will pop up on the radar. Also expect it to be a massive storm on that night, but it’ll be extremely late as I said.

Thank you Zoey. Now let’s move on to Corey with sports! Corey! How’s the team looking?

The camera change to Corey Scarecrow with long greasy hair drawn back in a ponytail and glasses but clean shaven. He has a nice suit on as well.

Coach Hys! Our squad is looking DOPE! With hands like glue, Herod is going to be a big player for our little team. Expect that name to be remembered for ages as he’s a sure-fire Hall of Famer! Oh and Tank? Let me tell you! That kid can hit like a freight train! I’m still feeling a shot from him. Yowtch!

Well what about our friend Mr. Smackinsssss? Is he going to be gone for good?

Coach. What do you think? That playa is going to be back before anyone can even miss him! Frodo Favre will never retire. Just as long as he can pull his shorts down and snap a selfie and send it around.

Thanks Corey. Now let’s get into the meat of the stories. Our first story is the one of the Terror threatening the World abroad. It’s travelled the world over spreading its filth and disgust to the nations! The force I’m speaking of is Pesty. That’s right. There’s a man who’d penis is only large enough to fit inside children so he’s going around hitting up all of the children he can! It’s reprehensible and we here at The Asylum Nightly News do not condone nor do we appreciate the abhorred actions of this individual. However, it will be fantastic once I, Hysteria, take that X-Treme Title from around his waist and add it to my collection. After all, who needs that belt more than an award-winning news anchor?

Hysteria places his hand underneath his chin as if posing for a photo op.

Reports have been coming in stating that Pest has been responsible for over 20 rapes and murders in the last six months alone! With that kind of track record, he’ll break the record for Most Rapes Ever! Next year, we might be flipping through Guiness Book of World Records and see…





… staring right back at us! Is that the face of a Rapist? Is that the face of a monster? Our news team thinks that that’s more of a face of a man with Down’s Syndrome. Here the reporters were saying that people needed to stay away from him for fear of being molested, but we here think they need to stay away in order not to contract whatever illness is plaguing this fucked up individual.

Other reports have come in claiming that he actually forced a man to eat the flesh of his wife and fuck his own daughter! Now we here at The Asylum are not the most normal bunch of news reporters, but at least we can all agree that that’s…

FUCKED. UP.

A round of applause is heard throughout The Asylum Nightly News room as Hysteria sits up straight and adjusts his tie.

In fact, we believe that Pestypoo is actually enacting some weird sexual fantasy by violating all of these young girls. What deranged and moronic tendencies must this person hold? The irony comes in after all of those violations. You know what we’re being told now? We’re being informed that Pestypoo is trying to garner sympathyyyyyy?! Why the fuck would anyone give a damn about you? Who the fuck cares that your friend from the war died? Or that your babymama died. Hell you murdered her and then began mourning her disappearance? Taking a look at that, one could easily deduce that you are incredibly naïve. You claim that you’re a monster with no restraints? It’s apparent to me, to Zoey, to Corey, to your victims what you really are…




Foolish.

You’re a child not understanding the ramifications of your own actions. Your unsophisticated nature does not surprise anyone nor does it elicit any emotion towards you except apathy. Granted the FBI should probably take a look into you, but to this studio, you’re nothing more than a child who throws a tantrum when he doesn’t get his way. You broke your toy of Barbie so you respond in kind by crying and kicking your feet until a doctor gives you an out.

The doctor mentions something associated with the war you were in.

The crowd gasps.

That’s right. Reports are saying that Pesty was indeed in the armed forces in VIET FUCKING NAM. Do you know how old this fucker is? When he ejaculates dust comes out. No idea how that got a girl pregnant, but somehow it did. Back to the war. The United States’ involvement in the Vietnam War ended in 1973. Thus, let’s say the events between Pest and Clover did transpire in 1973. Let’s say Pest was 18 in the final year of the war. That would make him at LEAST 60. SIXTY. That’s an understatement. More likely he was in the war in 1970 or before.

So reports are telling us, that Pest must be a 60+ year old man. A senior citizen is in the ring fighting with the big dogs? No one finds this the least bit disconcerting? What if I break this geezer’s hip? What if punch him in his puckered, wrinkled face and give the man Alzheimer’s? How the fuck is that going to go over? This damn fight. It’s like going up against a woman. If I win the match, it’s because I was fighting a fucking girl.

HEY


Shut up bitch. If I lose, it’s a laughing stock because I got pinned by a girl. I feel as if this should be the place where gender doesn’t matter as there are some women no normal mortal would want to fuck with. But fighting a god damn baby boomer?! Might as well chalk this up with sending the nut to the nursing home because when I finish slicing you up into little pieces with a fork and knife, you’ll be crying for Barbie and slobbering for Clover. All the while, your imaginary friends will watch as you’re incapable of moving from the bed in which the nurses lay you.

Then… after a few moments of you laying and wondering… the nurse will come by and be forced to wipe your ass. So fucking useless that a woman of age 40+ will have to wipe your ass for you. That’s right, 40+. No teeny boppers waiting on you. Hell, you’ll never be able to violate another child again. Will that make me a fucking hero? Perhaps, but that’s the price I’ll pay to ensure that your lifestyle comes to an end.

Now let’s move on.

The other large story on the horizon is the story of ISIS. Now you may have heard the stories across the globe of ISIS gaining power in the Middle East….


This is something entirely different.

ISIS stands for Isolated Swann of Ignoramus Source. Hehehe. You see, reports are coming in that a Mr. Xavier Swann has recently changed his alliance. Switched teams like a true turncoat. Some things you can’t buy Mr. Swann. You can’t buy integrity and you can’t buy loyalty. You can’t…

Hysteria begins slightly tugging at the wig on top of his mask.

What you are is the single greatest export from the biggest group of imbeciles ever accumulated.

Hysteria stares off for a second before reading the monitor in front of him.

I apologize. I have spoken incorrectly when it comes to Pest and Xavier Swann. I called Pest the X-Treme Champion when in actually, he didn’t even beat Doctor D’Ville. In addition, Xavier Swann is not the single greatest export from The Underground. He’s… he’s…

Hysteria stops mid-sentence and looks over the camera.

Oh for fuck’s sakeeeee! Fuck this bull shit.

Hysteria stands up and takes off the suit jacket. He walks around the desk and places gloves onto his hands. He rips the wig from his head and throws it to the dirt.

Look Mor- I mean Higher Power, I can’t do this charade anymore. It’s… just not me. Hehe. I…

Suddenly a note is handed to Hysteria. He begins fervently scanning down the document. He gets to the end and suddenly seems enraged.

He told me to do this? Gahhh! What the Higher Power says… must go. Zoey… get the van ready. We’re going to Mexico.

Bahahamahaha!