Our scene opens up to a freeze frame of Chris Macbeth's first promo of the week already in progress, paused right on his ugly ass face.
Please, bear with us -- do not adjust your sets; this is a Mister Mystery 17 31707 1 promo so please hold back your jeers.
We hear Mister Mystery's deep voice, muffled as always due to his mask, and he's bringing us up to speed on why in the blue hell we're looking at Chris Macbeth. He'd better explain fast because when people walk into a five star restaurant and see a rat laying on the floor they tend to think they've been gypped.
:MM 17 31707 1: I'm sure you all can recognize Chris Macbeth frozen in place the same way he'll be this Sunday when he looks into the eyes of the man who can not only end his career but end his putrid life with ease. I wanted to see if this boy had anything to bring to the table this week so I made the fortunate decision to flip on his first promo of the week, and boyyy am I glad I did. I say it was a fortunate decision because this man entertained the fuck out of me. I instantly knew I wasn't watching a John Madison production because I actually found myself giggling like a school girl within one minute of turning on the Macbeth promo! Instead of having me want to throw up in my mouth, swallow it, throw up again, swallow it, throw up again; well, you get the point how it works when John Madison just keeps boasting about his own shortcomings and flaunting his ass-backward views of "success" -- but much to my delight there was nothing like that going on in this amazing piece of work Chris Macbeth put out.
Allow me to show you exactly what I mean. Let's have me unpause this promo of his right where it's at and we can hear his exact views on his own team for this Trio Championship bout. Does he trust them? Does he appreciate them? Can they trust him? We're about to have all our questions answered so we can finally sleep at night. Behold-
We hear the sound of a 'click' and Mister Mystery rolls this footage for us after gaining a larger audience for a Macbeth sighting than Macbeth alone could ever have hoped to attract. He better be sending Mister Mystery a box of Hostess Ding Dongs for this -- and yes -- those would be quite hard to find considering Hostess went belly up a couple months ago.
The footage plays with Macbeth already discussing his partners for this week-
Quote:Can I trust them? Who knows?
Will I trust them? No, I wont.
But trust is a big part of being in a team. It would be beneficial for our chance of success in this match, for our chance of becoming the first ever XWF Trio Tag Team Champions. That being said I will reach out a hand to the partners I have been teamed with in a gesture of respect that I hope can bring us through the match with the success I believe I deserve.
But will they trust me? If they are smart they shouldn’t.
Can they trust me? Honestly, Yes they can.
The footage is paused again right after that last, golden line. You'd think John Madison just pissed on those words with how golden they were but his gaping, dripping pussy is nowhere to be found. Even Madison himself couldn't find it when he checked his pants, which is odd considering how wide it is. Maybe he should check his face.
I better stop badmouthing Madison or he'll start responding to me (the narrator) as if I'm actually Mister Mystery again. That would be pretty sad but then again he'll just find a reason to brag about not knowing the difference, between getting angry at Soldier for calling him repetitive when the real word to use for Madison is "predictable." Huge, huge, huge difference right? If I was an official cast member of this production you'd see me rolling my eyes but instead you're still stuck staring at the paused screen that has Chris Macbeth's face on it. I apologize for that.
:MM 17 31707 1: Stop talking about Madison you stupid fuck narrator! He already thinks me and Sid are the same person, which apparently is a delusion his superior Sebastian Duke also believes -- next, those fucks are going to think you're me and Sid and hell why not drag Flo into it? Mister Mystery, Mystery's narrator, Sid Feder and Flo Feder -- all the same person, right guys? Fuck me sideways with a dick shaped walking stick and call me Asmodeus. Jesus Christ.
Alright so back to the shit that just avalanched out of Chris Macbeth's mouth. Did that boy actually run us through a string of nonsense that basically broke down to-
-"My partners might be trustworthy but I will not trust them."
-"Trust is a huge aspect and it will help us win, so I'll show respect to my partners by saying.."
-"My partners would be smart not to trust me. My partners can trust me."
Did I paraphrase that pretty damn accurately? It still made no sense though did it? Fuck, man; you better just tell your partners you aren't going to show up Sunday because -- fuck -- damn -- DAMN -- I really don't even know what to say about that opening speech. That really was the first thing all week you could think to say about your partners? Hold on here -- you're trying to win this week, right? Or are you just looking to confuse the fuck out of everybody watching at home so they forget what day the pay per view even happens and can miss you being slaughtered by me, Unknown Soldier and Peter Gilmour?
Watch me talk to my partners.
Let me show your ass how it's done!
Hey! Peter Gilmour! Remember when I abducted your fiance and you were worried sick about her? Well if you let down my team this week I'm going to abduct her again and I'm going to spraypaint her eyeballs golden so everytime you look her in the face, you'll be reminded of the gold you cost us by being a fuck up.
Hey, Unknown Soldier! Otherwise known as Dante Kyllen -- I heard you talking about what a ground shattering event it will be if you and I end up going one on one during the actual gauntlet match. Well guess what? If you somehow cost us those Trio belts you won't have any gauntlet match to look forward to because I'll grab my machete, chop off your head, and carry it around with me in my 24/7 Briefcase. At least your decapitated head will forever be happy as it swims around in your own blood -- drinking it and spilling it out of your neck hole only to re-drink it again and, well you get the point.
Oh, and guys? If something goes wrong and I somehow am responsible for any of the other teams in this Trio Championships match walking out victorious then I want you both to just gut me like a fish right there. Peter -- you do the ripping and slicing; Soldier -- you do the chewing and drinking. Rip me limb from fucking limb and devour the living fuck out of every last remnant you can find of me lying in that ring! Because for fuck's sake, if a team such as Chris Macbeth's team gains those titles and it's me who dropped the ball, I simply do not deserve to exist on this Earth for another split second. Worse yet if the Black Circle's team somehow walks out with those belts and I was the one that let it happen, I want you to butcher me like cattle and then grab a fucking Ouija board so you can call back my spirit and lock it into a state of permanent recycling of experiencing my own gruesome death. No, fuck that! Lock my spirit into a recycling state of hearing John Madison brag on and on and on about his inferiority complex and how proud he is of it. Now that's a fitting punishment if I somehow drop the ball and one of those fucks hobbles off with it to make the touchdown.
Paying attention, Chris Macbeth? Don't you think my partners are a lot more fired up about working with me right now than your partners are about working with you? I've given them reason to be motivated and I've given them fire to roast the nuts of our opponents (minus John Madison of course) this Sunday. I guarantee you they trust me, and I trust them, a hell of a lot more than any of the trust you'll have within your own team.
I'm afraid to unpause your promo and continue watching it. Just that first few lines you spewed out has me ready to reach through this camera and strangle you blue.
Mister Mystery finally forces himself to unpauses the footage of Macbeth and watches as Macbeth drones on and on about his team a little more but then it gets to a really good part and Mystery has to rewind and play that part again for us all, raising the volume up on his remote so we can all hear these words extra clearly-
:MM 17 31707 1: It looks like I spoke too soon because Chris actually did give a stellar pep talk to his team a little later in his promo! Check this out -- it puts my previous speech to my partners to shame-
Quote:Do not ruin this for me.
Do not cross me.
Mister Mystery pauses it again and we hear the sound of him clapping loudly. He's blown away but this sentiment.
:MM 17 31707 1: HA HA HA HA HA! Braaavo! Good show, my man; good show. That's the extra bit of spark your words needed. That's the extra kick your partners were waiting to hear. Now they know their place and th-
-he can't continue in a serious tone-
:MM 17 31707 1: Ha ha ha oh my fucking lord. I'm sorry but let's just skip ahead a little more here. There's got to be something better awaiting us.
We hear another click on Mystery's remote control as Chris Macbeth goes on to start discussing his opponents, or rather, the fact that he doesn't have to discuss them. He mentions how none of the teams he will be facing can trust each other, you know, because his team will certainly be trusting each other after his excellent pep talk. Ha ha ha... ... ...oh, sorry, I forgot the narrator should not be laughing.
Mister Mystery finds some amusement in what he's hearing out of Macbeth's mouth and he backs it back up to replay this little snippet of glory regarding Machbeth's opponents-
Quote:They will probably end up getting themselves all disqualified. So no I am not going to waist my energy in sharing my thoughts on my opponents I will let my actions do the talking on Sunday Night in the middle of the ring.
Ok, so I am going to touch briefly on one of the opponents in that Trio Tag Team match and that is The “Self Proclaimed” King of Wrestling Peter Gilmour.
Pause. Laughter from Mystery. More laughter. More laughter from Mystery. Ok, he finally stops laughing without even having to say a word. Now he plays the rest-
Quote:Last week on Warfare I did what I said I would do and take your little fake crown and flushed it down your porcelain throne, But now I hear that not only are you trying to win this Trio Tag Title with two guys that I don’t even know if they exist, I mean Unknown Soldier?? Mr Mystery?
Unknown? Mystery?
The screen SHATTERS as the remote control flies through it. Thank god.
:MM 17 31707 1: Where oh where to even begin -- I'll start out by telling you that when you're lying in your hospital bed the next morning after Gauntlet City, you'll still be muttering those same words.
Unknown?
Mystery?
Do they exist? Were they real? How could a mere human being do to me what either of them did?
Unknown?
Mystery?
Were they literal spawns of the furies of hell embodied before me? Were they robots? Aliens? How the fuck did Mister Mystery launch me into the upper deck of the arena like a cyborg? How in the blue hell did Unknown Soldier drain my body of so much blood with his bare teeth that I needed a transfusion? Did the new blood they gave me to save my life have the HIV virus in it?
Oooh, you better hope it did because if you come back healthy again we're just going to finish the job.
I'll finish this off with thanking you -- and I'm sure Dante Kyllen, the Unknown Soldier, would agree here.
That name?
The "Unknown Mystery?"
It has some catch to it; I like it. Consider it stolen, bitch. When he and I team up anytime in the future we'll be sure to bill ourselves as The Unknown Mystery, because it'll speak truth in the fact that no common fuck like you in the XWF will ever be able to decipher and combat our onslaught and the next morning when they're lying in that hospital bed, they'll have no fucking clue what just hit them.
Thanks.
I'm going to break your face if you even come near me.
Mister Mystery spray paints a smiley face on the wall next to the television that previously had the Macbeth promo playing on it.
![[Image: oqhyzp.png]](http://i43.tinypic.com/oqhyzp.png)
![[-]](https://xwf99.com/images/portal2/collapse.gif)
