After falling asleep on the couch, Frodo laid there napping while Katie and Crack talked at the kitchen table.

”We've gotta do something about him trying to kill himself.”

”Yeah, but what? Only thing that'll make him happy is if Sarah comes back.”

”She's coming over for dinner tomorrow night. Maybe he'll try not to kill himself long enough for that.”

”I'll work on that. Don't worry.”

Frodo's still laying on the sofa, asleep, but in his dream he gets to his feet and walks into the kitchen where he sees Katie laying on her back on the counter getting fucked by Crack, while she's got the green Hulk Dildo shoved up her ass.

Dream Frodo storms off to his room to sleep off the weird shit.

Katie and Crack, in the real world, finish their conversation and decide to head to their separate beds. After Crack had changed his sheets, of course, and burned the ones his dad slept on. Katie covered Frodo with a blanket and then went to sleep in her bed, alone. Just like the Higher Power intended.

In the morning, Katie sneaked to the kitchen to start making breakfast. The noise of pots and pans moving around in the kitchen woke Frodo from his slumber. He sits straight up and stares into the kitchen, while the sounds continue to rage on. Katie lets out a yelp, as unseen by Frodo, something falls on her foot. He has assessed that she's back in the kitchen having more nasty anal sex with Crack, so to his feet he rises. Quietly he slinks into his bedroom, and retrieves what he needs to defend Katie's anal Honor. Without making a noise he makes his way back to the kitchen and leaps out screaming and brandishing Sting, the sword from Lord of the Rings.

”Remove your dick from her ass, you traitor!”

Katie stops, turns to face Frodo while holding a frying pan containing scrambled eggs, and bacon. She is fully dressed in a white tank top and a pair of pink yoga pants that say “Katie” in white across the butt.

”What the hell are you on about?”


”Last night, you and Crack were fucking in here. He had you on your back on the counter while he fucked you. You had a dildo in your ass.”

She looks confused.

”Nope. Didn't happen.”

”Yes, it did. I walked in as he was thrusting. Then I went to sleep in my bed.”

”And you woke up where?”

”On the sofa. Under a blanket.”

”Exactly. Just like where you fell asleep. Minus the blanket.”

”How do I know that you guys didn't have rough nasty kitchen sex, and then put my unconscious body back on the sofa to make me think it was a dream?”

”As good of a plan as that'd be to trick you, sleeping with Crack isn't on my list of shit to do. And, if it was, in your kitchen right after you kicked his dad's ass because his dad claims to have fucked me isn't the way I'd do it. So, sorry. I didn't sleep with your best friend. I'm a good daughter. I made you breakfast.”

Crack walked into the kitchen in time to catch the end of the conversation.

”Sup, guys. Sleep well?”

Frodo turns to face Crack, who just now noticed the sword.

”Not much. I slept ok. You enjoy sleeping with Katie last night?”

”Why does everyone keep thinking I'm having sex with Katie?! Do I have a sign on me that says I bang my best friend's daughter?”

”I dunno, but I'm bothered that they think I'd bang an old dude.”

'You slept with Flynn, and Tommy Wish.”

”Fair, but I wouldn't sleep with my dad's best friend.”

”I don't have time for this! I have shit to do! Out of my way, I need to shower.”

Crack moved, and Frodo went off to his room to shower and start the day. Crack waited until he could hear the shower running.

”First, you'd never sleep with me? Second, what's he on about?”


”Well, I might, maybe. But not any time soon. And I guess he dreamed he walked in on us having sex or something.”

Crack tilts his head up and to the left for a minute. She slaps him in the stomach.

”Don't think about it and get hard. Wait, do you still masturbate to me?”

Yeah. So?”

”Nothing. Wait. He's showering? Before eating? And he took the sword. Go check on on him.”

Crack rushes to the bathroom, and slams through the door. He finds Frodo standing in the shower, naked. With shit falling out of his ass, and his face upwards at the shower, mouth agape. Crack turned off the water, and slapped Frodo across the face.

”The fuck, man?”

”You're cleaning that up. And stop trying to kill yourself.”

”But, Sarah...”

”Will be here tomorrow. I'm going to make a nice dinner for you two, and Katie will be here, then I'm leaving. You guys can talk this out.”

”You won't stay and try to have a threesome? Tried em separately, now together.”

Crack throws a solid punch to Frodo's jaw, he hits the wall of the shower, and slides to the ground, landing in his feces.

”I fucked your wife. Yes. But only after you told me to. And she was supposed to stay. If I had known she wouldn't, I wouldn't have done it. I, however, did not fuck your daughter. God knows I want to. You know how I feel about her. But I will not do that to you.”

”Help me up. Come on, be a pal.”

Crack extends his arm and Frodo grabs it. Crack helps get him to his feet.

”Daughter fucker.”

Crack throws a punch that sends Frodo back into the shit before leaving the bathroom. Frodo grabs the side of the tub and tries to lift himself up. He manages to get to his feet as Katie walks in and throws a towel at him.

”Cover your shit. We're talking about something.”

Frodo uses the towel to cover himself up, encasing some of the feces with his flesh.

”Can we make this quick? I'm covered in feces and I want to clean myself up.”

”Bullshit, you don't care about that. You're a disgusting human being.”

”No, I'm not. That's hurtful. Why would you say that?”

”Only a disgusting human being would be acting like you. Trying to kill himself, shitting in bathtubs, accusing his best friend of sleeping with his daughter.”

”You know, I'm trying. I'm going through some shit right now.”

”Some shit you caused. Have you even tried to call Sarah?”

”No. Because I can't stand to hear he rejection right now.”

”So, she might need to hear that you get where she's coming from, but you won't bother calling to let her know. You'd just rather kill yourself.”

”So?”

”Pathetic.”

Katie turns and walks out the door. Frodo throws the towel on the bathroom floor, and begins to scoop the shit from the tub to the toilet. He gets most of the big pieces out before turning the water back. He washes the shit off of him, and allows the smaller pieces to run down the drain before collapsing and crying. The water runs cold, and Frodo does not move. He just lays there thinking of his lost love.

Katie has gotten dressed, and headed out to the store to pick up the stuff Crack needs to make the nice dinner for Frodo and Sarah. She came back to the house to find Crack tying Frodo to a chair, and and moving all the furniture out to the yard. She set the bag of food on the counter, leaving the Microwave in the trunk of her car. Crack came back inside holding an chainsaw and began to cut the sofa into pieces.

”Stop that shit!”

Crack turned off the chainsaw, and looked at Katie, while still holding it up.

”What's up?”

”Well, first. I got a new microwave, since you destroyed the cord on the other one. But also, what the fuck are you doing?”

”He tried to hang himself. I'm getting rid of anything that gives him the height to hang himself with.”

”What are we supposed to sit on then?”

Right as Katie asked that, Gwen comes through the door carrying a bean bag.

”Hey, Crack. How's it going? I brought the bags like you asked.”

”Hey, Gwen.”

”Homewrecker. Where do you want the chairs, Crack?”

”Anywhere for now. I'm just getting rid of this stuff first.”

Gwen drops the beanbags on the floor, as Crack goes back to chopping up all of the furniture.

”Hey, whore. Why's he acting like this?”

”Bitch. I am not a whore, and I am not a home wrecker. I'm his daughter. You want to run your mouth to my mom, not me. I had nothing to do with what happened.”

”He promised me a little girl. Now I'm glad I never got one from him. Would probably end up being just like you. A streetwalker.”

”Just go. You're not needed. My dad is going through enough shit right now. He doesn't need your cunt ass adding more trouble.”

”Oh, he's your dad now? Is he? I thought he was MY Ex husband, that you and your slut mother wanted to have.”

Katie threw a punch that send Gwen back onto the sofa that Crack just cut in half. She falls through it, and Crack nearly chops her with the saw. Luckily he swings it out of the way in time, and only removes some of Gwen's hair. She gets to her feet and runs out of the house.

”Wanna watch as I burn this shit?”

”Sure. Fuck that bitch.”

Crack and Katie carry the halves the sofa outside and set them up in a pit to be burned with the other furniture. They then drag Frodo out so he can watch as all the furniture in the house is burned.

”You didn't bring my stuff out? Just the stuff in the common rooms, and his stuff?”

”Mine too. I'd rather sleep on the floor than let this dumbass hang himself.”

Katie walks over and takes the gag out of Frodo's mouth.

”Why won't you just let me die?”

Katie pulls out her phone and hits a few buttons. She places the phone to Frodo's head.

”Hello, Katie?”

”Sarah, honey?”

”Fred? Why didn't you call me from your phone?”

”I didn't call you. Katie did. I'm tied to a chair as they burn the furniture.”

”Really? Why?”

”They're assholes. I love you.”

”I love you, too.”

”You do?”

Before Sarah can answer, Katie pulls the phone from Frodo's face.

”He's been trying to kill himself. Crack burned the furniture so he can't stand on it to hang himself. We also had to get new appliances because we had to cut the cords on the old ones so he couldn't shock himself in the tub with it. And he bought a shed to suffocate himself in the car in. It's been fun.”

”Why?”

”Because you left, and he's Dad. He's a mess.”

”Tell him we'll talk about this tomorrow. I have to go run an errand for my mom right now. Bye.”

Katie hangs the phone up, and sits on the grass outside as her puppy, Ferdinand rushes over to lick her face.

”Oh, it's Ferdi. The bestest puppy ever! I bet people forgot about you, didn't they? Not me. Oh no.”

Back with Sarah she turns back to see a man tied to a bed in his underwear. She's standing there in a school girl skirt with her shirt off. White and black striped socks go to her knees, and her hair is in pig tails. She puts a lollipop into her mouth.

”Is it going to hurt going in?”

She speaks in a purposefully innocent voice.

”No. It never does. Just lower yourself slowly.”

She lowers her panties and moves to the man. Then stops.

”Wait. I can't do this. This is my first time selling myself like this, and I just can't go through with it. That was my husband and stepdaughter on the phone. I love him too much to do this. I'm sorry. I'll leave your money on the dresser.”

”Fucking whore. I paid you. Now, fucking take my cock!”

”Nah. I'm keeping the money. Bye.”

She pulls her panties back up, gets dressed, and leaves the room. Leaving the man tied to the bed.