How quaint.



LH Harrison is sitting in the very loft that he had met with Doctor D’Ville several months ago when he signed the contract. He stares over at the desk in which the Good Doctor had sat. He scratches his temple as he begins smirking.

In the latest edition of Peter and the Family, he has his immediate family come together and enjoy about ten minutes together. A whole ten minutes. Great job there, Petey! You managed to spend months building to this moment only to have the whole thing blow up in your face in a matter of seconds. All thanks to that bimbo of a wife of yours. Really, Peter. Can you not control your woman? She almost killed your sister! Is she a monster? A demon? Or just a murderer? Maybe she’s a spy implanted by The Kings? Or maybe she’s a Un courtesy of Maverick? You just never know.

But how did you respond to the family outing going up in smoke? You let your woman do your work for you. Typical Peter Gilmour. Letting someone else do all the work for them. Have you ever done something on your own? Name one thing you accomplished on your own, Gilmo. Sure you were number one contender for the Universal Championship, but did you really earn it Gilmo? The answer is no. While you are handed SHOT after SHOT, guys like myself are struggling to even be given what we deserve. But this is about you. A day in the life of a . You had a tag team championship, right? What happened to that? Oh yes, that’s right. Dimallisher got tired of carrying your sorry carcass around as you coasted through match after match. Plus a cash-in that you were too afraid to go back after. Well, maybe it was more of Dim wanting nothing to do with you. Let’s see, let’s see. Who else did we have? Well you were a part of that team called The Gods of Rock. You remember that? With ‘Loverboy’ Lane and Morbid Angel? Do you know how long ‘Loverboy’ held onto those titles? He held them for over two months. TWO WHOLE MONTHS! By himself for the majority of the time. Yet whenever he added two by the names of Morbid Angel and Peter Gilmour, he loses his titles almost instantly. I told him to choose his partners responsibly. I’m wagering he wished he hadn’t given one of his titles to the biggest joke this federation has next to Tush.

But now let’s look at this little family of Peter Gilmour. In his latest Hallmark film, Peter has shown us his father, his mother, his wife, and his sister. Knowing what we know about his family, let’s take an in depth look at…

The Gilmour Family Tree of !

Starting from the top, we have Peter’s alcoholic father. Well I suppose it’s no shock that Peter was probably conceived as a result of one of his father’s benders. After all, according to Peter, his dad will start boo-hooing at even the slightest duress. Sound familiar? Who else do we know that starts crying whenever they don’t get their way? Who else throws a tantrum and pouts until Daddy Shane or Maddy gives him a sucker to shut him up? If you’re anyone beside the in question, that answer shouldn’t be a hard one to figure out.


Next we have the mother of THE RULER OF THE REALM OF EXTREME! Can you imagine? Being a mother to a ignoramus like Peter Gilmour? No matter where she looks, she’ll see the atrocity of her son’s career. A career of losing every match that matters. A career of never being the champion. A career of being almost as good as LH Harrison. In fact, I got a letter from your mother the other day, would you like me to read it Petey? Well, I’ll read it anyways.



LH digs into his jeans pocket and pulls out an envelope with his name on the cover written in cursive with hearts to the left and right of it. He opens the envelope and pulls out a note.

Dear LH Harrison, My, oh my! I must say that I have enjoyed watching your career as a wrestler! It’s far more interesting that my son, Peter Gilmour. After all, I can only take watching his girlfriend suck his SUPER dick so much. Can you imagine? He knows that his own mother is watching, and he fornicates like that on television! I must say that after watching your matches that I’ve taken a little fancy to you myself. Perhaps we could meet after one of the shows that I attend. After all, I’m no longer with the drooling alky anymore, and your wife is no longer with us. I think we could go at it until the headboard goes through the wall. After all, the only true SUPER dick is yours. Kisses! With all of my heart (and other body parts), Liz ‘Sugar Mama’ Gilmour

LH folds up the note, and places it back inside the envelope before tossing the envelope away.

Well, well! You heard it from that Gilmo’s corner-standing mother herself! She wants see The Inspiration down below. How interesting, but I’m not interested. I have no interest in making the beasts with two backs with the vagina in which Peter’s hard dick came out of. In case you didn’t understand the reference Peter, read up on some Othello. Othello, the play written by William Shakespeare.

Moving on, we have the sister. If there were ever a poster-child for Asperger Syndrome, it would be your own sister. Just look at her! She looks as though she could begin rambling away about some weird topic that no one in her immediate vicinity would even care about. But as your family and you know, the biggest problem that people with Asperger’s have is their uncontrollable fits of emotion. Then again, having a pervert of a father will do that to you. But, of course, Peter Gilmour doesn’t take the side of his poor sister that was violated as a child, nooooo. Which side does he jump on? The alcoholic father who molested his own daughter as a child. Not only that, but he beats the hell out of you as a child too? And this is the guy you want to be reunited with your family? Good luck. I loved my family, but there would’ve been repercussions for anything that vile and disgusting. But with Gilmour Logic, that can just be swept under the rug.

Alas, how could we forget that abomination of a fiancé that Gilmo has? You say you want to take care of the good Doctor for what he did to your beloved? Well… what did he do to her? If I recall correctly, you were the one who drove her hideous face into the mat with a Gilmour Cutter. Maybe I’m mistaken… let’s look back.



LH grabs the remote nearest him and points it at the TV and hits the power button before opening the XWF Network. LH looks at the camera and winks before browsing the dates under Wednesday Night Warfare before finding November 12, 2014. He flips through the chapters before fast-forwarding to the point in the show where Doc is being awarded his crown.

Wait?! Who's laying in the middle of the ring? It's.... MARIA BRINK?! How did? The Doctor has switched places with Maria Brink!! Did Peter Gilmour Cutter Maria Brink??

Huh. It looks to me like Peter Gilmour hit a Gilmour Cutter on Maria as the Good Doctor merely got out of the way. Well way to go, Peter. You’re already following in your father’s footsteps. Well, for their sake, I hope you never have children. Especially not a little girl. With your mental capacities, you’d probably think doing something so disgusting, like showing her your SUPER dick, would be acceptable.

News Flash Peter: It isn’t.

So Petard, are you ready? Are you ready for a little vengeance coming your way? At Spooky Shove It, I was attacked by ‘Loverboy’ Vinnie Lane and targeted by Jason and Mike Myers while you got off scot-free. This time, it’s different. This time, I’m coming to take the single most important thing to me.

My dignity.

You see, I lost that when I lost to a man of your… ahem… caliber. Or lack thereof to be more accurate. No matter what it takes, I will end you come Warfare. I’ve learned so much since my first match in the XWF. I’ve transformed from the goody-two-shoes LH Harrison who wouldn’t take an unfair advantage or use a weapon into a man who isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty to take care of business. You could say that you’d barely recognize me in that ring if you were to watch my first match and my next one. Despite my not being afraid to get my hands dirty, I still believe in fairness and equality. In this case, it’s mainly so I don’t have to listen to you whine and blame Frodo or Pest or The Asylum for whenever I knock you unconscious.

Since you’re going to walk in your father’s footsteps, I figured I could give you a little parting gift in which you can indulge in once I kick your teeth down your gullet.





Now this may not be the best tasting beer out there, but it’s something that you could get started. A little trigger to get you moving on the road to alcoholism. This way you can be a useless piece of garbage just like your father. Now get out of here. I have no more use for a second-rate imposter threat.



This is the story of LH Harrison’s redemption. Peter? You’re just a mere placeholder. I hope you wear your brown pants on Wednesday because I’m going to beat your usual bullcrap out the other end.



Welcome to my story, Peter. Now it’s time to write your eulogy.