Frodo is standing outside of his house looking around, there's no garage. He gets pissed off, and throws his hose on the ground.
”Stupid fucking house doesn't have a stupid fucking garage.”
He storms into the house to find Crack sitting on the sofa watching TV with Katie. They're watching one of the Harry Potter movies. Frodo picks up the remote and throws it through the TV.
”What the hell, Daddy?”
”Shut the fuck up. Go to work. It's what I pay you for.”
Katie makes a face like she wants to talk, then realizes the futility of it, so she gets up and goes to get ready for work. Crack just sat there staring at Frodo with an anger in his eyes.
”What the fuck was that?”
”Get up. We're going to the store. You're driving me.”
”We buying a new TV?”
”You can. Later. Now I need a shed.”
”Why the hell do you need a shed?”
”Can't park a car in a shed and let the engine run until I die if I don't have a shed.”
Crack gets to his feet and just looks at Frodo for a minute, as if trying to process what was just said.
”What?”
”I am going to suffocate myself with Carbon Monoxide in the shed we have ordered.”
Crack moved closer to Frodo, their eyes locked.
”Why?”
Katie walked into the hallway in time to hear this. She just stood there and listened. No one had noticed her.
”Because she's fucking gone. I loved her more than anything, and she's gone. What the hell do you want me to do?”
”Man the fuck up, and get her back.”
”Easy for you to say, Captain Big Dick. She kissed you before she left. She fucked you, loved it, and then left. She took my heart with her.”
”Fine, kill yourself. Be a bitch. But remember, she did that because of your shit. Just like Katie is actually useful because she didn't have to deal with your shit. Joey is a fucking mess because you don't love him, and Gwen is fucked in the head from years of you. You push people to their very limits, and wonder why they're fucked. Did you know Beef killed himself? Yeah, and Z is in prison because he got busted with your product. You ruin people's lives, Fred.”
”Fuck you, Matt. Yeah, thought your real name was hidden from me? Telling people it was either Crack or Martin. As if Martin Septim was that cool. Fuck you, Matt.”
”My name's not Matt, you . It's fucking Jeff. I've never hidden it from you. Because, despite everything you put me through; the multiple ostriches, which Sarah told me about, the fucking random drug induced animals in the house that you forgot about, the random cat food can fights you started when I was trying to sleep, all of that shit and more, I fucking love you. You're not just my best friend, you're my brother, man.”
Frodo wiped a tear from his eye.
”lol, . Come on, let's go get me a shed to kill myself.”
”What? Seriously?”
”You fucked my wife. You don't get to talk me out of suicide.”
”Can I?”
He turned and looked at Katie. There were tears in her eyes.
”Give it a go, if you think you can.”
”Daddy, I love you. You're the only real parent I have left. Mom ran off somewhere, and I just got you in my life. I need you.”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash. He throws it in Katie's face.
”There you go. You'll be just fine for a while. It's all I've ever been to you anyway. What have you honestly brought my life besides another fucking expense? Hmmm?”
”I brought love. Daddy, I love you.”
”Do you? Really? Then take the fucking money and fucking leave. I don't want to see you at my funeral either. Go pretend you're 17 and don't know me.”
Katie picked up the money and headed to the door, she stopped to look at Frodo one last time.
”You're such an asshole, but I love you. Also, remember, Sarah only came into your life because of me. She didn't meet you for you, she met you so she could work for me.”
”So, you're taking credit for me being happy with her?!”
Before Katie could answer something hit Frodo, and he went down like a sack of potatoes. Katie looked up to see Crack standing there holding his cane.
”Mother fucker ignored Sarah and I showing up to his match this week. She showed up for him. I'm tying this fucker up in his room.”
Crack and Katie get Frodo in his room, and remove anything they believe he can use to kill himself with. Of course, Frodo woke up an hour or so later, and began to frantically search the room for anything. And then he finds it. Crack's Credit Card. The one he took from Crack last week, but Crack never reported missing. He pulled out his phone, found the number and ordered a shed to be delivered. After the call, Frodo searched for Tranny Porn and began to jerk off angrily.
Back in the living room, Crack is shopping online for a new TV. There's a knock at the door, and he goes to answer it. Some strange fat balding hispanic man on the porch.
”Um, hello. Is thees Meester Crayck?”
”It's Crack, yes.”
”I have your shid. Thit you order.”
”My what?”
”Your shid. The Shid for porking the car.”
”Goddammit, Fred. Fine. I'll sign, just put it at the end of the Drive way.”
Crack signs, and they deliver the shed. Crack quickly checked his wallet and noticed his card was missing. Figuring Frodo toook it, Crack headed out to get the one thing capable of keeping Frodo out of the shed. While Crack was gone Frodo was napping in his room, unaware of the shed's delivery. Thoughts of Sarah and Caroline danced in his head.
Crack bursts into Frodo's room to find Frodo sleep jerking. He picks up a shoe off the floor and throws it at the Midge. Who wakes up with a startle. He makes eye contact as he keeps stroking.
”Hey, you fucked my wife, now you're here to fuck me? Well, finish it off.”
”Oh, fuck off. Your shed is here.”
”Home wrecker.”
”You fucked my mother. Like literally fucked my mother.”
”Your parents didn't split up because of it.”
”They actually did. And it's ok, because apparently my father had a second family on the side. I forgive you, because you're my best friend. My dad was a piece of shit. Come on, let's go look at your suicide shed.”
Frodo gets up and lifts his pants up and walks out to the living room with Crack. They reached the front door, and opened it. Crack's dad was just standing right there looking at them.
”Hello, son. I need a place to stay.”
”What the fuck?”
”Let him stay. It's my last wish.”
Crack's dad, Jarvis, pushes past them and sets his bags in the living room.
”Where you guys going?”
”Shed. I want to suffocate myself in there. Suicide is fun.”
”Oh, cool. Mind if I take a bath?”
”Go on. Do it.”
Frodo and Crack make their way to the shed without anymore interruptions. Frodo is squealing with joy as he rushes and opens the door. Until the light hits it and he can see what's in it. From top to bottom, front to back, the entire shed is filled with Papa John's Pizza boxes. Frodo backs away slowly and screams in horror.
”The fuck is this?!”
”Papa John's Pizza boxes. Something I know will keep you out of the shed.”
”You bastard.”
”Go take a nap.”
”Oh, look, it looks like I get to once again stomp a group of people who think they have the upper hand. Awesome. My idea of fun. Can we examine this shit for a second? Please? Because, honestly, if we don't cast a light on them, then no one will. No one will expose them as fraudulent pieces of shit if I don't. Well, maybe if Feder pops back in to expose em, but whatever. Should we break down each member individually? Let's do that, and then I'll get a cheeky laugh in at their expense. First, I'll state the obvious, yeah, I'm still alive, and yes I did attempt to off myself. But I got blocked, and I'll try again tomorrow. Perhaps I'll succeed, and perhaps you guys will get lucky and I won't survive to see you in the ring. Only way you stand a chance at winning. Promise that.
TJ Wallace, seriously, Lint Dick. Can we just state the obvious first? I'm going to just quote I, Robot, specifically Will Smith to Shia LaShitActor.
Detective Del Spooner Said:First of all, stop cussing cause you're not good at it.
You talk like a preteen who just discovered South Park. Is that what I'm dealing with? Do I need to go get my son in here so he can kick your ass for me? Is it ok for me to be fighting a child? I'm not Peter after all. I mean, I need an ethics committee to do an investigation. Because, to be frank, I'm fairly certain you shouldn't be allowed in the ring at all. But, if Kirk feels like being a bad enough father to allow it, I'll smash your shit right now. Cool beans. So, then this begs the question. How have you been held down at all? Aside from your shitty fighting. The only thing holding you back is that you can't fight to save your life. Who have you managed to beat? Tessomocker, Kage, and Frost? Seriously. Those scrubs. Great job, you're a real champion in the making. No, wait, that's not true at all. You're far from a champion, and Kirk picking you thinking you've got some great potential just proves how fucking useless he is at judging talent. You are single handedly proving that he should not be a manager, apparently he is too .
AerialKnight, seriously. Heartsford. Let's see something. You are... Nothing. You're a former champion, right? Former TV? And you defeated a fantastic champion to earn that title. Wait, no. No you didn't. You got handed a title, and were told you'd have to defend it against someone every week. And what a fantastic job you did at defending it. You defended it against, Maverick. Maverick of all people. When is the last time Maverick won a match? Congrats, you picked the weakest of all challengers to defend against, and defend horribly you did. Awesome. You're less deserving of that title than Tush. Although, I would have taken the title from you if you managed to keep finding weak opponents to defend against until I paid that debt. Oh, and you fought Tank. Who would have beat you, if you didn't get help to win the match. You're such a good champion. And you guys wanna run your mouth about us interfering. And yet you guys have trouble winning without help. Great team you have there.
And Lane, my old pal. How's it going? Getting help at winning matches still? Probably. Hey, I got a question. You guys are supposedly all about getting ignored, right? That's why you banded together? I've already busted that myth, but then you added this amazing little tidbit to really seal the deal.
Lane, in the booking for Uni Contendership meeting Said:I mean, dude, Kirk, I know you're trying to make it look good for the eyewitnesses... but we both know this is all about me, just like everything else in the XWF.
I guess I'll "opt in."
Wink wink.
Right there. That's where we all know you're full of shit. You don't care about people getting held down, you're only out for you. You're not getting fucked with, you're just not earning shit on your own, and so you're expecting Kirk to just hand you shit like he did with Knight. Because deep down you can't earn anything. Even your buddy Gator thinks it. Hell, you couldn't even beat me in a match without using weapons and having Fedor do the work for you. You were out, until Damage came and stopped my pin on you. You gave me everything you had and you still needed help to win. How sad for you. You're just not good enough on your own. And hey, you won't be good enough with this team. Let's not forgot how things went the last time you had a team of people ready to fight someone you thought was me.
Swann. What can I say about you? Seriously? You come in, have a match, maybe two, and then fucking vanish. But you're supposedly repressed? Are you fucking serious? Can we honestly believe that you're actually here for any reason other than to jumpstart your career by getting attached to something you think will make people care about you? Because you know, winning matches doesn't make people care. You have to be a fucking tapeworm stuck inside Kirk's fat bald asshole. That's what you want to do to make yourself seem important. Goddamn, you are just like Lane. Except prettier, and funnier. But you have the same fucking intelligence and mindset as he does. Fucking joke of a human being.
All four of you, kill yourselves. Should I be dead by the time we fight, join me in suicide. You definitely need it. Your family needs you to kill yourselves so they can have some pride back. You're best suited to kill yourself. You'd look better with 6 feet of dirt on top of you. Oh, and Kirk, I'd love to know what it's like to have a GM reign shorter than Fairfield's. Because there's no way you're going to win this bet and keep the show."
. It's fucking Jeff. I've never hidden it from you. Because, despite everything you put me through; the multiple ostriches, which Sarah told me about, the fucking random drug induced animals in the house that you forgot about, the random cat food can fights you started when I was trying to sleep, all of that shit and more, I fucking love you. You're not just my best friend, you're my brother, man.”![[Image: ZXX7HJw.png?1]](http://i.imgur.com/ZXX7HJw.png?1)
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