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Monolith · **10-05-2014, 02:53 PM**

THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY RAPAPORT INDUSTRIES

'Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Daniel Rapaport. And I'd like to welcome you all to what I hope will soon become a regular fixture on XWF programming. A chance for me, a far superior being to address the empty headed, toothless hicks that comprise our audience and enrich their dreary little lives with my words and insight.

You see, I've been asked to speak to you today on behalf of the entire XWF regarding a tragic accident that occurred lately. And I use the term "accident" loosely. It seems that a few days ago an innocent young man tragically lost his life at the hands of a small group of XWF fans. My sources tell me that this young man - a poor, unfortunate boy with his whole life ahead of him - was set upon by a gang of angry thugs at the behest of XWF superstar, Cain Arkham. These men then proceeded to tear this fresh-faced youngster limb from limb whilst being goaded by the aforementioned Mr. Arkham. And what does any of this have to do with me? Well, this dearly departed young boy was a HUGE Monolith fan...

Firstly, let me re-assure all our viewers that we here at the XWF deplore violence of any kind. Unless it's sanctioned in the ring, of course. Or if there's a chance to see some titties. Or if I've got money riding on it. And to those like-minded individuals who want to see Cain get his comeuppance for this unspeakable atrocity, I make the following pledge: This Wednesday, I guarantee you all that the mighty Monolith will make that sick, twisted son of a bitch pay for his crimes!

Cain, I guess you think you're a big, tough guy, right?! Well, getting a bunch of punk kids to do your dirty work seems like the actions of a coward to me. Besides, did you really think that assaulting a fan was gonna throw Monolith off his game? We've both said it time and time again; Monolith doesn't give a rat's ass about the fans. He's back in the XWF to win title belts, NOT make friends! And what better way to prove his Championship credentials than crushing none other than the Number One Contender like dirt beneath his shoe?!

Cain, the truth is we've encountered your kind many times before. You like to act all dark and mysterious. You dress like Neo from The Matrix. You hang around in graveyards writing poetry in the night. You Google self-harm support groups whilst listening to androgynous assholes screech out of key. Your skin sees less sunlight than an albino coal miner. You talk of demons, of nightmares, of darkness. But underneath it all you're about as dark as a vanilla milkshake. About as edgy as a ping-pong ball. The truth is you're just some punk with a hard-on for the colour black. And I've got some bad news for you; Monolith ain't scared of the dark! Have you seen his face, Cain? His scars, his twisted visage? He has already walked through the fires of hell to be here so nothing in your arsenal will intimidate him. In fact, I've decided to re-name you as Candy Cain. Why? Because despite your best efforts to seem sinister and foreboding, in reality you're sweet, sugary and love to get sucked by children at Christmas...

In all honesty, the only thing enviable about Cain that I've seen so far is his set of wheels. Man, that car of yours really is a thing of beauty. Are you sure that a puny mollusk like you can handle a machine like that? But I guess it doesn't really matter. Because this Wednesday you're gonna hit one hell of a road block when you clash with Monolith! But don't worry, Cain. At least you won't suffer alone. Because Peter Gilmour will also be there to share in your torment...

Ah yes, Peter Gilmour. Petey, I heard what you had to say about my client and I gotta applaud you for your originality. I mean, nobody has ever thought to make fun of Monolith's size before! Bravo, Petey! Did you come up with that one all by yourself? Man, you must be a real brain! I mean, you must have one hell of a sharp mind to think of something as witty and sophisticated as a fat joke! Well, I for one can't wait for Monolith to wipe the smile off that vacant, moronic face of yours. And I sincerely hope that your feeble little mind can comprehend the simple concept of sarcasm...

Petey, I cannot believe you would have the nerve to suggest that Monolith stole his mask. If you knew anything about my client then you'd know that he NEEDS his protective headgear. It's not just some gimmicky affectation. But if you want to get personal then let's go for it! Ladies and Gentlemen, I invite you to join me as we examine the changing face of Peter Gilmour...

[Image: tv_true_blood_alexander_skarsgaard_04.jpg]

[Image: tv_true_blood_alexander_skarsgaard_04.jpg]

Petey, this was you as I remembered you. This was you when you last crossed paths with the mighty Monolith. A scrawny, pasty, inconsequential guy who looks more like a prison bitch than a World Champion! In fact, I seem to recall you having the same so-called "dark" predilections as Cain. Well, as this picture shows you were definitely more Robert Pattinson than Christopher Lee! Now, let's fast forward to 2014...

[Image: steen1.jpg]

Man, that's quite a transformation, Petey! You've gone from a powdered, pouting, pretty boy, light-weight loser to a short, out of shape, acne plagued, barely humanoid slob with the beard of an Eastern European sex offender! You do know that the idea of evolution is to IMPROVE with time, right? Well, I guess regression is to be expected when you consider the solitary chromosome shared by you and your family! "I'm Peter Gilmour; don't tempt me... with my own Mother! Don't tempt me... with the buffet table! I'm taking my waist measurements... to the xxxtttrrreeemmmeee..."

But I suppose I shouldn't mock you like this, Petey. I mean, when Monolith was last part of the XWF you were a nobody. You did jobs for everyone. You spent more time on your back than your skank Girlfriend did in high school. But now you're a legitimate star, Petey. A main-eventer. And for that I applaud you. But I have to ask one thing: how many dicks did you have to suck to make it happen?! I mean, if a no-talent chump like you is at the top of the card then it's no wonder that Shane practically BEGGED me to bring Monolith back to the fold! I had no idea things had gotten so desperate! I know they call Warfare the show where anything goes but they might as well start calling it the show where anyone can wrestle! Well, fortunately my client is here to save the XWF from your mediocrity, Petey. And when you step in the ring with him this Wednesday you're gonna learn how a TRUE superstar operates. But don't take my word for it... I'll let him tell you - and Cain - in his own inimitable way...'

'I AM MONOLITH AND I WILL CRUSH YOU ALL!!!'

THE PRECEDING ANNOUNCEMENT WAS PAID FOR BY RAPAPORT INDUSTRIES

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