(OOC Note: I have provided some audio for the promo but I still have the spoken sections written, so I’ll use the spoiler tags so that anyone who would rather read can look at what’s said.

For the second week in a row, I proved that I am the Warfare Warrior, King of Wednesday, and the XWF’s next Universal Champion. It was my dominant victory, over Liz Hathaway and some gay pornstar pretending to be Barney Green, that convinced XWF Management to finally give me another shot at the Universal Title. The hashtag #JusticeForAidan has swept through America and I stand here not only as a stunningly attractive man but also as a message. I am proving that, with America and the Western World’s Support, that I can do anything. The world can accomplish something truly meaningful by supporting fairness… by supporting me.

This match will be Aidan Collins vs. Cain vs. Luna Hightower, with the winner receiving a Universal Title shot next week on Warfare. Presumably that match will feature fair rules, unlike my debut match against recent Universal Champion Eli James. If all goes to plan, #JusticeForAidan will

But I’m not going to look past my opponents this week, even though I do not consider them valid threats.

First, let’s look at Luna Hightower. How this person was deemed worthy of a Universal Title Number One Contender match is beyond me. Frankly, I’m not even positive that she’s a real member of the XWF roster. Bitch doesn’t even have a roster page on the company website. She has had a single match and that was on a Shove It, where she lost handily. Of course, I represent a camp that thinks the Universal Title should be esteemed and respected so a decision like giving Luna Hightower a #1 contenders match wouldn’t ever makes sense to me. I’m trying to change the perception of the Universal Title not mattering and I’ll do a ton for my cause by defeating Shades, who’s a fake champion if I’ve ever seen one.

Apparently Luna has a “human form” and a “demon form”, whatever the fuck that means. From what I can ascertain, the demon form of Luna is exactly the same as the human form except that the demon form has pink hair and hunches over panting like Peter Gilmour does after going for a 3 minute jog. It’s always funny to me when someone who’s clearly infatuated with video game culture tries to come off as intimidating. Newsflash, if you learned what “scary” is by playing Dead Space and stuffing your face with Locos Tacos, you aren’t going to put fear into your opponents.

Beyond that information, I really have little to say about Luna. She hasn’t said anything about me in the lead up to this match. It’s fair to say that Warfare management thought she was a perfect person to put in the match and eat a pin. Cain vs. Blizzard, though virtually the same match, involves me pinning Cain, which doesn’t make him look good. After getting his ass beat so many times over the last couple of weeks, he needs some way to save face. Watching from the outside as I pin Luna will at least provide him with some sort of value. Then, when he’s booked in next week’s Warfare’s midcard, he’ll look like somewhat less of a candy ass.

Speaking of Cain…

What the fuck is up with the fake vampire teeth? I bet this guy snuck into Robert Pattinson’s dressing room when they were shooting Twilight and stole a pair of his prop chompers because only a Twilight fangirl would wear those things around in this day and age. Cain probably fantasizes about finding his own Bella Swan on his LiveJournal but the fact that he wears Halloween accessories unironically makes him unfuckable to all human females. It’s the paradox of Cain’s latent virginity.


Voice Recorder >>