The camera opens up to the top of a six-story residential building in Brooklyn, New York. The sky is mostly bright blue, outside of a few billowy clouds of white. The roof of the building holds a small garden but the most noticeable feature is large mass that’s covered by a red blanket. The camera pans down as Aidan Collins walks into the shot. He wears dark skinny jeans, a black V-neck tee, and a black arm band that reads “Do not forget The Fappening”.

Aidan Collins: I’m here to talk a very serious issue that’s happened recently. As you may have read on cnn.com, the world’s most trusted online source of completely unbiased news reporting according to the Cable News Network, an event just happened that many are calling The Fappening.

Aidan lets the title of the horrible event resonate. Generations from now, people will remember Hiroshima, 9/11, and The Fappening all at once as some of the worst examples of injustice in recent history.

Aidan Collins: I don’t want to get into the tech specifics of what happened but, from what I’ve heard, someone put a bunch of celebrities’ nude photos on the cloud against their permission. The Za showed me picture of Kate Upton’s boobies and I had to take it into the bathroom for 8 minutes to verify for myself that it was actually her. It was.

Aidan shows a somber look towards the camera while thinking of Kate Upton’s giant jugs.

Aidan Collins: I’m here to show solidarity for my fellow A-List stars like J-Law by putting my own nude body on the cloud. It’s the only thing that I can do to show that what the 4 Chan Hackers, Jackie and his three brothers, did was wrong. Jennifer Lawrence will definitely appreciate what I’m doing and will probably let me inseminate her because of my kindness. Now, if you don’t mind, I will now put my nude body on the cloud.

Aidan reaches back to the object covered by the curtain and unveils it… and it looks like the projector used by Batman to cast his logo.

Aidan Collins: This is for you, Jennifer. This is for you, Kate. This is for you, World.

Aidan hits the switch on the projector and it immediately shoots a huge ray of light towards a cloud in the sky. On the cloud, Aidan’s nude body is projected.

Except the cloud cuts off the actual part where his dick is supposed to be showing!

Aidan Collins: What the fuck!

A voice from the street: Yo look, Aidan Collins got no dick!

Aidan Collins (yelling back): Fuck you, I got a dick!

Aidan kicks the projector and it moves slightly so now that the only thing showing on the cloud is Aidan’s erect dick!

A voice from the street: Damn, that cloud got a nice dick on it now!

Aidan Collins (yelling back): Yeah and that’s my dick and don’t you forget it!

Aidan turns back to the camera and speaks as you can see his meaty boner behind him.

Aidan Collins: I have now put my dick on the cloud. Now, let’s talk about my opponent this week…

From what I can ascertain from his recent activities and the way he speaks, Luke Gunnar is some sort of homeless guy. When you consider that I have the finest ass in the game today, this will end up being a total bum fight. I just don’t know how to feel about fighting someone who probably smells like a cross between dog shit and burnt rubber. Maybe I should wear a HAZMAT suit to the ring but then I would be depriving all of the females in the audience the chance to see my abs. It’s the type of dilemma I face every single week. Some of my feminist friends have brought up the subject of ‘privilege’ and I have to say that Luke Gunnar totally has Ugly Privilege. He doesn’t have to worry about being attacked by packs of women looking to be impregnated. He isn’t burdened with the responsibility of being the major source of masturbatory material for half of the world’s population. He isn’t expected to look sexy at all times and he isn’t socially coerced into buying the finest shampoos, exorbitant moisturizers, and cock mascara to draw more attention to his dong like I am. Do you know how much cock mascara costs, Luke, ya troll-faced prick? Of course not, and that’s your UGLY PRIVELEGE.

The fact that I’ve had the strength to succeed as a beautiful person is testament to the fact that I am the strongest soul in the XWF today. I summon the spirits of Maya Angelou and Robin Williams as I go through my daily routine. I inspire the masses. What has Luke Gunnar ever done? Has he hand fed little African children gummy bears like I have? Has he donated money to stop Joseph Kony and cure ALS? Has he put his magnificent penis on a cloud?

Aidan shakes his head.

Aidan Collins: Of course not. He didn’t put his dick on the cloud… even though that’s probably a good thing because nobody wants to look in the sky and see a little chode completely covered in smegma. But I digress… Luke Gunnar doesn’t have the compassion to dedicate his life to social justice like I do. I spend every waking moment worrying about #JusticeForAidan and how to make the XWF a better place. I’m doing it because I’m conscious of the problems in the world today and it’s people like me that will guide us into the future! I have a dream that one day I will hold the Universal Title again and I’ll inspire the entire world into peace and prosperity. I have a dream that in the future there will be thousands of Aidan Juniors running around and running the world. I have a dream that every cloud in the sky will show my cock and balls. Could you imagine the disgusting though of a cloud showing Luke Gunnar’s face?

Aidan turns around and flips a switch on the projector, making it cast a new image. This time it’s Luke Gunnar’s face on the cloud.

Voice from the Street: The horror! The horror! Someone please nuke that cloud of death! I’m going to puke!

Aidan flips it back to the image of his dick.

Voice from the Street: Thank you based cock cloud! Let you rain cum onto all of us!

Aidan looks into the camera as he makes his final statement.

Aidan Collins: This week I make my debut on Wednesday Night Warfare. It’s supposed to be the XWF’s flagship show but it has been hit by some hard times. I’m going to do what’s right and take it back to the heights the show reached in the past. There will be justice for Warfare and that, in turn, will help us get the desperately needed #JusticeForAidan. I will become the Warfare Warrior and it starts this week when I will return to my winning ways by defeating Luke Gunnar. He does not have the skill, nor the charm, to guide the XWF to new heights. By defeating him, I will be doing what’s right and what’s just. My faith in myself will guide me to victory and that’s not just my opinion. It’s the truth.

Truth Until Death.

Aidan walks off as the camera zooms into his junk before fading to black.