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LH Harrison · (08-07-2014)

GONG

LH Harrison is standing outside of his church in rural Hope, Arkansas. He looks at his watch and shakes his head. The gonging was the sound of the bell on top of the church that rings at the top of every hour. This is Wednesday night and Loverboy Vinnie Lane was supposed to be there at 6 PM to meet LH for the short service. LH checks his phone, but sees no answers to the couple of messages that LH sent out this morning. Suddenly a black SUV pulls up to the side of the church and Loverboy is seen in the passenger seat making out hard with the lady behind the driver seat. Finally they break long enough for Loverboy to see LH and wave. LH raises his arms in the air in amazement at Lane. Loverboy jumps out of the car but not before groping the lady one last time. He jumps out of the car and jogs up to LH.

Loverboy: Hey bro, sorry I’m late! As you can see, I got a little tied up well getting tied up!

Loverboy starts laughing and slaps LH on the back. LH glares at him and looks at his watch and indicats Loverboy look at it.

LH: Do you see what time it is? We’re late! I’m never late to church Vinnie.

Suddenly LH looks past Loverboy and notices who the lady adjusting herself as she gets out of the SUV.

LH: Wait is that-

Loverboy stops him mid-sentence with a slap to the back while laughing.

Loverboy: Who? Miss Tucker there? Oh yeah it is.

LH: But that’s the pastor of the church’s wife!

Loverboy: She is whattt? Really? Well no wonder she was screaming ‘God’ so much this afternoon…

LH: You did what?! She has a husband and kids!

Loverboy: I know! I met the kids after we went heels with Jesus. Great kids they are. Extremely smart! In fact, one of them asked me what we were praying about so loudly.

LH: And you said…

Loverboy: I laughed and told them there was no such thing as God and that we were just having good ole fashioned sex.

LH glares at Loverboy before putting his face in his hands and muttering to himself…

LH: What have I done…

Loverboy looks at him confused.

Loverboy: I thought you wanted to get to church?

LH realizing how late they are, takes off walking towards the door and holds it open for Loverboy who walks into the church strutting proudly. Loverboy starts strutting to the front, but LH grabs him by the wrist and pulls him beside himself in the last pew of the church.

Loverboy: I thought you wanted me to get a connection to God? You think I’ll feel a connection from the back row? I’m a rock-n-roll legend! I’m either on the stage or on the front row!

Loverboy goes to stand up, but LH pulls him back down forcefully. LH shushes him.

LH: We’re late and you want to walk all the way up to the front of the church? You’re here to experience my way of life in order to embrace the reasons why I live the way I do. Nothing else. Although I’d like for you to turn your life over to God, we’re here to develop some sort of bond for our upcoming match.

Loverboy pouts to himself for a minute. He looks around and sees about thirty people in attendance.

Loverboy: I thought there were a ton of people that come to these things? You’re telling me that there are only thirty people that come to these shows?

LH looks at him as if he’s been taking too many drugs as of late.

LH: Look it’s a Wednesday night. People have busy schedules. Most people come on Sundays anyways, a few less come on Sunday night, and a few less come on Wednesday nights. Now hush and listen to the sermon.

Loverboy looks up to the altar and sees the pastor and smirks to himself. He listens as the man discusses the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. At the sounds of the name, Loverboy snorts causing a few people in front of him to turn around and glare at him. LH apologizes for Loverboy.

LH: What’s wrong with you?

Loverboy: C’mon Shadrak, Arednegro, and Meshak? Those sound like heels from the 80’s.

LH unable to say anything just laughs softly to himself. Loverboy seeing that he has broken the anger pulls a flask out of his belt loop and takes a sip. LH stares at him incredulously before taking the flask out of his hand.

Loverboy: HEY!

A few people turn around to stare at them. LH apologizes again to them but they don’t seem to be buying it this time and eye Loverboy suspiciously before turning back to the front of the church.

LH: Stop! This is a church. You can’t have this is a church!

Loverboy: They have wine here sometimes don’t they?

LH: Yes but… it’s different Vinnie! You can have your flask back after the service.

Loverboy crosses his arms and sits back in the chair pouting even more than before. He notices Miss Tucker at the front of the church and gazes at her for a few seconds until LH snaps beside his ear.

LH: Earth to Loverboy, what are you looking at?

Loverboy: Oh just Miss Tucker. Hey she was late, why can’t we go up and sit with her?

LH: You just slept with the pastor’s wife and now you want to go sit on the first row with her right in front of the pastor? Are you nuts?

Loverboy: Maybe…

Loverboy gets to stand up again, and LH pulls him down forcefully again.

LH: No! You can’t go up there! Just. Sit. Here. Please.

Loverboy: Ugh. Can I go to the bathroom then? I had a few drinks over at the pastor’s place.

LH puts his head in his hands and waves him on. Loverboy stands and lets out a loud fart. LH looks at him as if he had three heads as he walks to the back of the church and into the bathroom. LH stares ahead and tries to pay attention to the sermon.

Loverboy walks into the small bathroom with one stall and one urinal. He walks over to the sink and turns on the water. He runs it over his fingers before slapping some up on his face. Loverboy pulls the back-up flask out of his belt loop and takes a couple of swigs and Loverboy looks into the mirror.

Loverboy: God, what the hell am I doing here?

Suddenly the room gets completely dark and a large white light shines from the ceiling onto to him. A booming voice fills the room.

VINNIE.

Loverboy looks up into the light, but he’s absolutely terrified by it.

Loverboy: Y-yes?

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

Loverboy: Are… are you God?

NO FUCKTARD YOU JUST PASSED THE FUCK OUT. NOW GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND WAKE UP!

Suddenly Loverboy jolts awake and he’s sitting on the toilet leaning against the stall with LH Harrison standing over him. LH looks generally concerned.

LH: You alright man? Church is over and I came in here to check on you and you’re sound asleep on the toilet.

Loverboy: Yeah, yeah. I’m fine man.

LH looks at him weirdly before he notices the flask in his hand. He rolls his eyes. LH helps him up slowly. They walk out and LH leads him outside.

LH: Look man. I appreciate you trying to take in the church-life today, but we need to discuss the match Monday.

Loverboy: I agree, but we’re going to school those losers! Seriously, Fandango?

LH: Well I’m not particularly worried about that dancing fool. I’m more worried about Cain and Mastermind.

Loverboy: Well I’ll take care of Mastermind as long as you take care of big kitty Cain.

LH: Sounds good to me Vinnie. Now you said you were going to come over Saturday for lunch at the house? My wife is making spaghetti and it’s to die for.

Loverboy: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I think this little experience has to be two-sided don’t you think?

LH: What do you mean?

Loverboy: Here I am putting myself in this awkward situation called ‘church’ and I’m sitting down with your hot (LH gives him a glare)… not-hot wife and kids for a meal, but you won’t budge on coming to my element?

LH scratches the back of his neck.

LH: I guess you’re right. What do you have in mind?

Loverboy smiles largely as only he can do and puts his arm around the bridge of LH’s back.

Loverboy: Oh I can’t ruin the surprise now can I, LH bayby?

LH looks at Loverboy with a look of concern as Loverboy laughs wildly.

Suddenly the front door of the church opens and the pastor steps out with a wild expression on his face. His wife comes out and points at ‘Loverboy.’

Miss Tucker: Frank, he’s the one! He’s the one that raped me!

Loverboy jumps up.

Loverboy: Well Harry-baybay looks like I’ve got to run.

Loverboy takes off sprinting down the road as the pastor begins to take chase. LH puts his head in his hands and shakes his head.

The screen fades to black.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode 'Best of Both Worlds' (Part One)
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