The camera opens up to the main tank at Seaworld. In the tank, bobbing on the water, is Aidan Collins riding around on a SeaDoo. When he sees that he’s being recorded, he stops riding. He pulls a six pack of low-carb beer from a cooler that’s on the back of the watercraft and snaps open the top of one.

Aidan Collins: I didn’t know if you knew this… but I’m a huge fan of animals, wildlife, and the wilderness. That makes me a better person than anyone who hunts or eats anything other than a strictly vegan-ish diet. That’s why I’m here on my off day, spending time with some of nature’s greatest animals.

Aidan quickly does a donut and a black oil slick follows him around in the water. A dolphin swims by and takes a bite of the pollution.

Aidan Collins: But I’m not going to brag about the great work I’m doing over here because I want to talk about my match this week. I’m glad that I was immediately able to persuade Morbid Angel into basically giving me a title shot out of the gates since I really have the desire to make the XWF better. It was an absolutely asinine decision if Morbid was planning on keeping his belt but, what can I say, you can clearly deduct that he has some sort of mental disability if you just listen to the way he speaks. It’s like he’s Peter Gilmour after eating paint chips… I mean, basically just Peter Gilmour.

When I have the Universal belt around my waist, the press the XWF will receive will be enormous. We’ll have a handsome champion for the first time in a long time and the media will be dying to photograph me. The headlines will read “Aidan Collins Saves the XWF Yet Again”. I’ll be on my way to impregnating one hundred women and the world, I’d like to think, will be at peace.

Aidan takes a big swig of the beer and burps loudly before continuing.

Aidan Collins: Of course, there’s the caveat that I must first defeat Eli James, like that’s some sort of massive roadblock for someone of my talent level. Consider the fact that I’ve absolutely decimated every single opponent I’ve faced in the last few years. Sure, I haven’t been competing every single week, but here’s a fun fact: in the 30+ matches I’ve competed in, I’ve lost ZERO singles matches. Yeah, there’s been a few six man cage matches in other companies that I’ve lost but what the fuck, who cares.

Aidan shrugs and the entire audience watching this drops that unimportant clause of his undefeated streak.

Aidan Collins: Now, at this point, some of you are probably going to come firing in with criticism that the matches I’m describing didn’t happen in XWF. You’d be factually wrong but, you’re right in the sense that it didn’t happen against the current batch of XWF stars. It still doesn’t invalidate the fact that I’ve got more skill in my pinky finger than Eli James has in his entire 700 pound body. I just hope he doesn’t spend his entire week trying to invalidate what I’m saying by repeating that he doesn’t know who I am. I don’t care if you’re from the backwoods, you fucking hillbilly, go ahead and look me up online. Or, if you don’t have an internet connection living in Sling Blade’s basement, just go to a local tavern and ask around what the locals think. Someone will have seen me wrestle before and they’ll be quick to inform you that “Y’ALL ARE FUCKED”. Shit, look at the side of Peter Gilmour’s head. You see that foot-shaped dent? That was my boot that did that… Or it was the fact that his mom drank when she was pregnant but I think you get my point.

Aidan takes another large swig of the beer, finishing it. He throws the can and it hits a seal in the head that had been floating in the water.

Aidan Collins: I will give Eli James credit where credit’s due. He’s clearly done everything it takes to establish legitimacy in today’s XWF and he had been perfect in the ring until Tuesday. I know how hard it is to go out every single week and prove that you’re the baddest dude in a company. I lost matches early in my XWF career by showing up to shows drunk or tripping on mushrooms, and lost to guys who I shouldn’t have. The fact that Eli James is able to remain consistent is testament to his dedication as a wrestler and is also testament to the fact that he has no social life outside of wrestling. He’s going to give me his all just like he gives his all every single time he sits at the table at International House of Pancakes, engorging his fat face.

But I don’t want to fat shame you, Eli. You have a completely legitimate body type and you should feel proud that you’ve managed to remain completely round without going full Barney Green. I’ve read plenty of literature from top feminists and listened to people on youtube who scream a lot… and they’ve convinced me that, even though you’re likely to have a heart attack at age 45, that you’re a special snowflake. You only disgust the XWF audience because they’ve been brainwashed into believing exercise and a healthy diet is a good thing. In reality, there’s nothing wrong with the fact that you keep a turducken underneath your pillow, eat butter sticks as an appetizer, and deepthroat chainlinks of hot dogs like you’re Joey Chesnut on July 4th. You should be proud of yourself that, even though the vast majority of the world mistakenly considers you a fucking slob, you continue to be who you are! You’re an inspiration. It’s probably in your genetics so you’re not at fault at all for the fact that you consume more calories than you burn off.

Aidan revs the engine to the SeaDoo and an exotic looking fish gets sucked into the engine.

Aidan Collins: Speaking of his genetics… Eli James is always eager to recite out his family history, like he thinks he’s the only motherfucker with an ancestry.com account. No one cares that Jimmy-Bob James buttfucked Alotta Snatchhair in 1885, bro, and your family history isn’t all that impressive. I’m also fairly certain that his family tree is circled off in certain areas, with cousins busting loads inside of cousins to create generations of fedora-wearing freaks. That would probably explain why Eli James looks so demented all the time.

If you trace my lineage or test my DNA, you will quickly come to the conclusion that I have King’s blood in me. My ancestors fought with William Wallace and all other sorts of Game of Thrones shit (minus the dwarves and incest). They also established American Industry in the United States when they weren’t too busy raising hell in barrooms and bedrooms. My great grandfather played baseball with Babe Ruth, even though he didn’t make the majors because he was too busy chasing tail to learn how to hit the curveball. I’m probably second cousins to Phil Collins and I’m going to ‘feel it in the air’ Monday Night when I plant you with an Ice Pick that has a scientific probability of disintegrating your body.

I’m not trying to make my point that my roots are the sole reason that I’m better than Eli James but anyone who casts that shit aside completely is completely delusional. Yeah, nurture matters but nature determines who ends up looking and performing like me. I put in the time in the gym to get the best out of my DNA but it’s obvious that I was starting on a whole different level from the rest of the XWF roster. Fact of the matter is that I don’t even need to work out in order to be the most physically gifted wrestler in history… I just choose to be shredded because I just want the world to have someone like me exist. I love seeing sexy bitches with big titties and I want the entire female populace to have someone like me to fantasize about. It’s just a nice thing I’m doing by being me. Women get so wet watching me wrestle that the arena is practically a fucking pool party by the time I’m done winning.

Aidan kicks the water around him to demonstrate how much his six pack makes bitches squirt.

Aidan Collins: If people are so desperate to find out who the fuck I am, they’re going to be given a quick introduction this Monday. I play for keeps and I’m not planning on letting Eli James shit on my legacy by getting in my way. I’ve faced bigger foes, I’ve faced badder foes… and I’ve beaten them all. While I do enjoy the sound of my own voice, I’m going to let my actions represent who I am as a wrestler, entertainer, and all around bad ass.

Eli James’ is going to be given his second loss in 6 days and start a little losing streak to counterbalance the winning streak that he was on. It sucks for him but there isn’t a damn thing he can do about it.

Truth Until Death.

Aidan hits the gas on the SeaDoo and uses the side of a Humpback Whale’s head to catch mad air as the promo ends.