Maria Brink is sitting in her room staring at a pile of clothes on the floor. She looks down with a loud sigh.

Grrr. None of these make me look cute enough for the Shove it. I need to go shopping. How can I joust if I'm not sexy enough to distract my opponent? I mean, I am facing a black guy, so he'll naturally love my white skin, but will it be enough to distract him?

Oi, you're a fat slab of cunt, ain't ya? You disgust me. Get your fat arse over to the mirror, girl. Jiggle that shite over this way.

Maria looked confused, but did as the voice from nowhere told her to do. She approached the mirror, and saw Billy Zane looking at her. Billy Zane was in her mirror.

Billy, we watched you die, what are you doing in the mirror?

Oi, you stupid cunt. I'm not Billy Zane. I look like him because I chose to use his image, I'm the AIDs talking. We need to speak, you've been taking these medications to suppress me. I'm still here, Maria, and you're still fat."

No, the doctor said you wouldn't bother me anymore. Why are you here?

You need me. I am your AIDs. With me we cannot be stopped. Don't be like Ezekiel, he was powerful when I was with him. When I left him he became weak, and powerless. He hasn't won a match since then. Look what happens when people abandon me? They die. Do you want to die, Maria? I'm the last bastion of success in the world. Look at the people I've made famous, until they abandon. Freddie Mercury, Magic Johnson, Rock Hudson, Carlos Mencia. The list is impressive, and should not be ignored. Come, take my hand, Maria

Billy Zane stuck his hand out for Maria to grab, but when it came out of the mirror it turned into a skeleton hand. You know, like in Pirates of the Caribbean 1, when Barbosa's crew stepped into the moonlight. It was like that, only with Billy Zane and AIDs. Fuck yeah, borrowing ideas from Disney and AIDsing them up. Next week Maria will make Snow AIDs men. Fuck Frozen, Maria hates that movie. If she doesn't then there's something wrong with her. No one should like Frozen, that movie was fucking shit. Seriously, it was a horrible movie. Did anyone actually like it?

It was all whining because some girl gets ice powers, but accidentally hurts people with them? Fuck that noise, Maria would definitely be blasting people for fun if she got Ice Powers. No one would be safe from the ice powers, no one. And guess what. No feeling bad, because people probably deserved it. Who doesn't deserve an ice blast to the face now and again? And another damn thing. Who books Alan Tudyk in a movie, and doesn't make that mother fucker lead? He was Steve the goddamn Pirate! Why is it so hard to book the goddamn pirate in a leading role? He clearly was a better choice for Anna than Kristen Bell, what has that slag done? Oh, she was Veronica Mars? Remind me when someone cared about Veronica Mars? Oh yeah, never. Stupid fucking show. And Kristen Bell isn't even cute, you know who is cute? Mc fucking Hammer.

Anyway, Maria took the skeleton hand, and something magical happened. Maria was filled with self confidence again, and Billy's hand disappeared. She was holding her own hand.

It must have all been an illusion, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm done taking my meds, I will let my AIDs flow freely. I need the power. And I will use this new found power to knock Percy Gains off his goddamn horse in the mighty field of Joust, and I will advance to the next round, where I will face Mark Flynn. No one can stop Maria Mother Fucking Brink. Not even P.T. Filmour, or James Goddamn Gandolfini. I am an unstoppable AIDs machine. FUCK YOU MAGIC JOHNSON! I think I should call Peter.

And she reached into her pile at random and found the perfect outfit.



Yeah, be jealous you don't look as good as Maria fucking AIDs Gilmour. Did you forget she married Peter? Fucking keep up on the times, the divorce isn't final. She's still the Queen of XTreme! Fuck yeah, America.