MAIN EVENT
North Korean Championship
Donathan Alphonse Francois De Sade
& Mr. Satellite
- vs -
Cyren
& Hickster
2 on 2 All In, No Tagging, 1 Fall
GUEST REF: Commander Data
NOTE: If De Sade gets pinned or submits he loses the NK Title to the person, even if it's a betrayal by his own partner attacking him!

Mr. Satellite and Donathan Alphonse Francois De Sade walk down the hall with Mr. Satellite's robot slowly rolling along behind them. As always Donathan Alphonse Francois De Sade is dressed to impress, in a dark grey suit and matching fedora. Mr. Satellite has left his cloak and burlap sack behind, sporting a black t-shirt, black pants and a brown, slightly over-sized fedora. Both men stop when they see Commander Data a few feet ahead of them. Commander Data turns and looks with intrigue at Mr. Satellite's robot friend.

Commander Data: I find your robot to be intriguing. What is its purpose?

Mr. Satellite hits a few buttons on a remote device he's carrying.

- This is what I use to communicate.

Commander Data: Fascinating. I am curious what I would discover given the chance to delve into its core processing and internal matrix schematics.

- Go right ahead. I'd be honored to have such an valued member of the Enterprise have a look at the inner workings of my robot.

Commander Data, engrossed with looking at the robot, fails to notice Donathan approach from behind him. Donathan pulls out a metal device that appeares to be the size and shape of a screwdriver with a shinning blue light at the end. Donathan then tapped this unusual object on the back of Data's head causing Data to go motionless. Donathan then retrieved a small microchip from the breast pocket of his suit jacket. Removing the back plate of Data's head, Donathan places the chip inside and seals it back up. Donathan then taps the strange metal device that was about the size of a screwdriver on the back of Data's head and Data is reactivated. Data blinks a few times and then spins around as if nothing happened. From there Mr. Satellite, his robot, Donathan and Data all continue towards the holodeck.

Cyren and Hickster are already waiting in the ring as Mr. Satellite, Donathan and Data make their way to the simulated wrestling ring. The simulated audience roars with excitement upon their arrival. Mr. Satellite's robot slowly rolls to a spot just outside the ring and stops. The bell rings and this match begins.


Suddenly something peculiar happens though... Commander Data springs into action, grabbing Cyren and easily tossing him with his android strength like a rag doll into Hickster!!!

Hickster and Cyren tumble from the ring! Holy shit!!!

Donathan grabs a mic and makes a shocking announcement...

Donathan: Ladies and gents please give it up for none other than "Donathan" right there!

He's motioning toward Data as he says that. Wait a minute... that microchip he implanted in Data's head... Could it be? Does Data believe he's playing the role of Donathan tonight?

Donathan: As some of you may remember from last year, there are many who over time may assume the role of "Donathan Alphonse Francois De Sade" ▬ for instance I'm sure some of you remember "Incredible Donathan?" The rather large, muscular, invincible individual who played the role during a few of my matches last year? Well for tonight's event I call this particular make and model... "Datathan!"

What the fuck!? Datathan? He's got the strength of somewhere between 10 and 500 Donathans! This is not fair!

Datathan then runs and climbs to the top of the ropes and dives, landing on Cyren and Hickster. Datathan climbs to his feet and lifts Cyren over his head bringing Cyren down onto his knee. Cyren screams in pain and the audience cringes at the sure brutality! With Datathan's strength and android body it's a wonder Dathan didn't break Cyren's back with that move!

Hickster jumps onto Datathan's back and begins pounding Datathan in the head. Datathan reacts by trying to yank Hickster off. However Hickster has his strong hillbilly legs locked around Datathan's waist and keeps striking Datathan in the head repeatedly.

Hickster: YEEEEEEEHAAAAAWWW!!! This android boy gots more spunk then a Betsy at a hoedown!

Datathan begins to go wild like a bull! Hickster hangs on tight and continues to hit Datathan in the head. Ride 'em Hickster! Datathan begins to shake and finally Datathan slams his back with Hickster on it into the ring post.

Once!

Twice!

Oh Shit! Three times!

Hickster tumbles from Datathan's back and lands in a lump. Hickster rolls around and twitches in pain.

Datathan then turns around and begins stomping on Hickster. Stomp after stomp each one seeming more heavy footed and brutal than the next. Cyren tries to save Hickster as Cyren attempts to hit Datathan with a Spear. Datathan leaps high in the air, avoiding the Spear from Cyren and landing behind Cyren. Datathan then grabs Cyren and flings Cyren back into the ring. Cyren lands with a loud thud in the middle of the ring and Datathan climbs in after. Datathan pulls Cyren up and lifts Cyren again, leaping up with him, this time in the form of a choke slam... A FLYING SUPER CHOKE SLAM!!! Datathan delivers the Chokeslam so hard and so devastating that Cyren smashes clear through the ring!

Cyren literally was chokeslamed through the ring! HOLY SHIT!!!

Hickster, back to his feet and climbing up the ropes, dives and knocks Datathan off his feet. Hickster then mounts Datathan and begins punching Datathan in the face. Datathan then simply reaches up and grabs Hickster by the neck and rises while Hickster is still punching Datathan in the face! Datathan then presses Hickster over his own head and tosses Hickster far out of the ring. Hickster soars like a big, fat, incest loving, hillbilly bird...

Hickster: Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaawwwwwwwww!!!!!

...and lands epically in the 9th row of the audience. Hickster attempts to rise to his feet but immediately falls back down.





All of a sudden in the midst of the chaos, clapping is heard...









Who is clapping so loudly that it sounds like thunder?

























Oh no! He's back!!!!


























It's Q! He's back... but this time he's dressed to look like he is Commander Data?



Q claps enthusiastically and even places two fingers in his mouth and begins whistling.


Q: My this is fun isn't it! Datathan! How clever! Well if Commander Data can "be" Donathan for tonight, I figured I might as well "be" Commander Data. How do you guys like it?

He models his uniform and smiles briefly as he shows off how much like Commander Data he looks.

Q: I haven' t enjoyed myself this much in all my years tormenting and observing the entire crew! Donathan and Mr. Satellite you simply must come around more often!


Donathan and Mr. Satellite exchange looks from next to the ring. They haven't participated in the match yet since Datathan had been doing all the destruction. Hickster finally groggily rises to his feet while wobbling back and forth. Q snaps his fingers and instantly appears next to Hickster with a huge smile on his face... and back to his normal appearance.


Q: Ah, Hickster! You're the best example of your wretched species I came across in all my life. If I had my way I'd replace that blowhard, windbag Picard with YOU! I'm certain you and I would have a lot of fun together! You shouldn't be out here in the audience while your match is going on though. Here let me help you!


Q snaps his fingers and Hickster appears in the ring.


Q: Well, get back to fighting. Entertain me! Wow me! Make me say "Oooh" and "Ahhh" at your feats of in ring skills. Before you do though....I have one more adjustment to make.


Q snaps his fingers again and Datathan starts shaking as smoke shoots from his ears and sparks pop and fly. Then all at once Datathan dips forward like the power was shut off and then shoots back up to a standing position. Datathan turns his head towards Donathan and Mr. Satellite.


Commander Data: Gentlemen please take your decided positions for this match.


Commander Data seems to be back to normal! Q must have reversed what that microchip did to Data's programming. Mr. Satellite and Donathan exchange glances and Mr. Satellite climbs into the ring.


Q: Ooopsy! Sorry fellas! I really just can't help myself sometimes though. You understand, I'm sure. Now let's continue on with this show! Don't disappoint me! I paid full price for my ticket!


With that Q winks and disappears.


Hickster seeing an opportunity in this distraction charges towards Mr. Satellite. Hickster collides with Mr. Satellite knocking Mr. Satellite down to the mat. Hickster then hits Mr. Satellite with a leg drop. Hickster pulls Mr. Satellite to his feet and whips Mr. Satellite across the ring. Mr. Satellite crashes into the corner. Hickster dives towards Mr. Satellite attempting to ram into Mr. Satellite. Mr. Satellite jumps out of the way just in time and Hickster smashes into the ring post. During all that Cyren finally pops his head from the large Cyren shaped hole in the ring and begins to slowly crawl out. Data ushers Cyren out of the ring as Data believes Hickster to be the legal man. Cyren stands on his side's ring apron slowly swaying back and forth, obviously feeling the effects of being slammed through the ring.


Hickster climbs to his feet as Mr. Satellite hits him with a Running Dropkick followed by an Elbow Drop. Mr. Satellite hooks the leg and covers for the pin.


...1


...2



Kickout by Hickster! Hickster pushes Mr. Satellite off and rises to his feet. Hickster then delivers a few chops to Mr. Satellite's head and chest. Hickster follows those up with a DDT. Hickster grabs Mr. Satellite and brings Mr. Satellite to his feet. Hickster flings Mr. Satellite across the ring. Mr. Satellite uses the momentum though and bounces of the ropes. Mr. Satellite flies back towards Hickster and hits Hickster with a Flying Clothesline. Hickster drops and Mr. Satellite lands a Leg Drop. Mr. Satellite then climbs the ropes to attempt a high flying maneuver. Cyren sneaks up behind Mr. Satellite and rips Mr. Satellite from the top rope by Mr. Satellite's leg. Mr. Satellite cracks down onto the ring post nuts first and tumbles to the ring! OUCH!


Donathan appears behind Cyren and pats Cyren on the face. Cyren instantly drops as Donathan adjusts a ring on his own hand. Donathan then steps into the ring as Cyren begins to froth at the mouth and convulse. Donathan must have drugged Cyren with a spike tipped ring! Donathan walks up to Mr. Satellite who is just getting to his feet. Donathan extends his hand and further helps Mr. Satellite to his feet. Mr. Satellite exits the ring and stands over Cyren, just staring at him while he shakes and drools like crazy. Donathan turns his attention to Hickster who is now getting up. Donathan moves quickly and hits Hickster with Scourged Enlightening! (i.e. double under-hook 360° horizontal face crusher)

From there Donathan sees that Cyren is still frothing at the mouth and rolling around outside the ring! Mr. Satellite grabs Cyren and gets him up onto the apron and rolls him into the ring. Donathan grabs Hickster's arm and pulls him toward the center of the ring.

Mr. Satellite and Donathan both work to get Cyren up onto the turnbuckle with Donathan so he can deliver Flashes of Immortal Light! (i.e. Front flip DDT off the top turnbuckle)

OH! He landed it right into Hickster's chest!!! Cyren's head was driven down into Hickster like a railroad spike from that soaring DDT from the top!

Mr. Satellite and Donathan each stand over Cyren and place one of their feet on each side of his chest for a double pin. They each raise one fist into the air as Data counts the pin...

...1


























...2

































...THREE!

Winners: Donathan Alphonse Francois De Sade & Mr. Satellite!

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The show has come to an end as Captain Picard enters the ring with a glass which he raises to the rest of the crew and to the cameras.

Picard: Here's to the finest crew in Starfleet. I'd like to thank my crew for helping make sure this event was a success... unless of course you consider the fact that I lost one of my crew members while she was trying to save Lexi Sheckler from an untimely demise. I'd like to take this opportunity as guest host to make one final judgment call... a very special match for Lexi Sheckler next week. It will be a match in which she is given the chance to join my fallen comrade if she cannot emerge victorious!

What could Picard mean by this? What's he got in store for Sheckler next week?

Picard: I am going to personally book, right now, a DECAPITATION MATCH!

Riker, Worf and the others look on in shock! Captain Picard is REALLY upset that Lexi causes Lieutenant Yar to be eaten by Cee Lo Sludge earlier!

Picard: If she can't manage to find it within herself to win that match, she's going to be decapitated by her opponent directly following the match... and her opponent? Well... it's THIS MAN!










Picard taps his communicator badge and gives the order for the man he's talking about to be beamed into the ring next to him...
































IT'S JOHN MADISON!!!

Picard: Now, Mr. Madison, I'm sure you won't have any qualms about getting into the ring to "test" your fellow Black Circle member.

John salutes Captain Picard and very adamantly responds...

Madison: None at all, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise!

Picard: And I'm sure you won't mind having to chop her head off like you were chopping a carrot with a chef's knife, right?

Madison: That's probably not the way I'd word it, but you're right... no problem from my end in that regard, Captain!

Picard: Your enthusiasm and willingness to follow orders impresses me. You would have made a fine officer among my crew. Perhaps one day we will meet again... I'll be watching next week. Make sure that woman pays for what she caused to happen here tonight. Give her a good, clean swipe of that guillotine blade... for me, for all of us, and most importantly for Lieutenant Tasha Yar.

Madison: I'll even have the head beamed back up here to the Enterprise afterward so you can mount it in your Captain's Quarters, sir.

Picard: Make it so. Make it damn well so, John Madison.




The two of them shake hands and Madison salutes the captain one more time when suddenly...




Mothership Connection plays over the speakers!!!

Cameras search throughout the whole area until we focus on a Cadillac pimpship. The Ship lands in the arena and the door opens. Out comes George Clinton and the entire Parliament-Funkadelic group!

Picard can't believe his eyes.

Picard: What in the hell is this nonsense? I'm out of here. Remember your duty for next week, Mr. Madison.

Picard and crew are beamed out of the ring as John Madison is left to look on at whatever the fuck is unfolding right before his eyes here...

George Clinton: Ladies and gentlemen please don't be alarmed, we've come to send you this interplanetary message. Over the chocolate milky ways and through Orion's Belt we bring you P-Funk, Uncut Funk, The Bomb!

John Madison looks on in utter confusion while the crowd jams to the music.

George Clinton: Now it was brought to my attention that you John Madison has ownership of the funk. So we are going to tell you this one time and one time only...

WE WANT THE FUNK! GIVE UP THE FUNK! OWW WE NEED THE FUNK! GOTTA HAVE THAT FUNK OWW! WE WANT THE FUNK! GIVE UP THE FUNK! OWWW WE NEED THE FUNK! GOTTA HAVE THAT FUNK!

George Clinton: Give up the funk John or we'll turn this motha out! We'll tea the roof of the mothasucka! Give it up before he makes you give it up!!!!

Before John could even ponder who this person is, he gets his skull cracked by a barbed wire bat! The person wielding this weapon is none other than Mr. Natural!

Mr. Natural grabs a microphone and begins to speak.

Mr. Natural: So let me understand if what you're telling me is correct. We had a business meeting last week, and I told you to give me what the hell I want. But as always, you didn't listen. So now we have to move up to Step 2. Solange honey...

Solange, wearing a red dress and red stilettos comes to the ring with a table, gasoline, and a lighter. She sets up the table and lights it on fire.

Mr. Natural: Please give me what the funk I want!

Mr. Natural kicks Madison in the groin and then helps Solange to grab John Madison and Bitch Bomb him through the flaming table! Oh my god!

Mr. Natural: Next week, you better run me my shit muhfucka! Until next time, we are naturally yours.

Mr. Natural and Solange walk off and onto the pimpship, where they fly of making their way back to Earth.

What in the blue hell could Mr. Natural want from John Madison? Does Madison even know??? Will Mr. Natural strike AGAIN next week when John Madison takes on fellow Black Circle member Lexi Sheckler to determine if Sheckler gets to keep her head?

John Madison is rolling around in the ring trying to put out the funk... er, um.. fire. He rolls around and has a SMILE on his face? He's in a lot of pain but somehow he's actually enjoying this?! He yells out while his back is still to the canvas once he has rolled the flames out.

Madison: Oh I'll give you what you want. I'll give you all what you want!

Medical crew arrive to pull Madison out of the ring and he allows them to carry him away on a stretcher while he claps his hands to the beat of the music and continues smiling while staring upward.

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Suddenly the X-Tron flashes to life and this image appears.





A loud booming voice radiates the whole arena.


Voice: "Welcome avid XWF fans! Greetings XWF staff! Hello crew of the Enterprise! I bet you're wondering why I'm talking to you. Why you're being forced to look at a picture of a road. Rest assured there is a point behind this! The point is...the road Shane has been driving his truck of insanity on has existed for too long. If this show is to make it and make it strong! A voice of reason needs to step in. A voice to aid in deciding what's a good judgment call and what's a bad judgment call."


The fans begin to boo and cheer in a confused unison. No one really knows what to make of anything that's going on.


"I am the voice of reason. The unbiased judgement this show sorely needs! I will help make the tough calls when it's clear there may be decisions being made that are in favor of a certain group or wrestler....even though they're on the losing end of the match."


The crowd seems to understand this may mean Shane won't get to play as dirty as much, so they begin to cheer. Finally a fair voice will be helping to call the shots on Shove It!


"Alas I won't be there for the festivities tonight. However in one week's time I shall walk out to that very ring and introduce myself loud and proud as the new CO-GM for Shove It Saturdays! I look forward to meeting you all then! Until then... take care, XWF!"


The screen goes blank and we are all left wondering....just who will be walking out and introducing themselves as the new CO-GM of Shove It Saturday Night?