7:00 PM - Checkin' in with John pt. 3

John Madison slides into the back of the taxi, still wearing just his boxer shorts, and tells the driver to take him to the airport. He sees that he has time to waste, so he decides to cut a promo in the back seat.


Fuck this, I'm back to cutting promos now? This shit's already eating into precious time that I could be spending playing golf and League of Legends. Why did I agree to this again? Oh, because some douchebag called and asked me to team up with Peter Gilmour.


Let me tell you about that morning/afternoon/evening, whatever the fuck time it was. When I first got that call, I nearly hung up on the asshole. Reason being that I had no desire to come back just so I can team with Gilmour. Why would I? Doesn't he have fucking Feder, Soldier, or some other has-been that he can pester? When the fuck did my name get added to the list of people that management calls when they can't find anyone to babysit Peter? Did Sid get tired of changing his diapers after two years? Anyway, I'm talking on the phone with this guy who sounds an awful lot like that fucking Hebrew that used to run Madness into the ground. He then explained to me that the match involved championship gold. So as you might imagine, I instantly got a massive hard on at the sound of that. Because when I hear about championship gold being on the line, I naturally begin to brainstorm ways that I can shit on it and hand it back to people for them to wear. In this case, the pile of shit that I'm smearing on the title happens to be Peter Gilmour.


So here we are yet again, Gilmour. Fuckin' hell, you're never gonna go away, are you? That's good because this place would be boring without you and I sure as fuck wouldn't bother coming back. Let's face it, the only fun to be had around this dump is if it involves Peter Gilmour somehow. The dude is a magnet for attention and he doesn't even ask for it most of the time. So yeah, title match plus Peter Gilmour gives you John Madison. Yeah, I too wish I could give a shit about anything else that goes on around here.


You like that, Gilly? How does it feel knowing that you're being set up as John Madison's big turd? You probably don't mind because in the end, you get shiny piece of gold to carry around and rub in people's faces. No wait-- TWO shiny pieces of gold to carry around. Good for you, Peter. Good for you. I heard management was cracking down on people for giving titles away, but I don't care about that. Oh no-- I'll never get another title shot ever again? Fuck it, I get to laugh hysterically at the sight of Peter dethroning two champions so I'm satisfied. Well worth it in my book. I'm gonna go around replaying the clip for like six months straight just to fuck with people too.


How long has it been since Peter wore championship gold anyway? Hmm, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict that Scorpio pointed it out because that's always an easy argument to hit on. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if he had an assistant copy and paste the script from J-Dub's riveting debate with snaggletooth here, and threw it on a teleprompter for him to read off of. Now now, I know you didn't actually copy J-Dub's promo word-for-word; so chill brah'. However, you basically had the same message to deliver to little ol' Peter. You know, the same tired promo that we hear people do every week about how big of a loser, idiot and homosexual Peter is. It's almost like listening to Sid go on and on for the billionth time about how much he hates cockblowers, , etc..


"Something-something-something, Peter hasn't done anything impressive in months."


"Something-something-something, Peter delivers empty threats."


No shit, people. This has been debated time and time again. Save yourself the energy.


And of course, Peter said something gay again-- oh shit, let's have a contest to see who can deliver the longest promo about it.


Peter is gay, dumb, and unimpressive. There you have it, folks. I just summed up Scorpio's entire promo for you. You know what else is gay, dumb, and unimpressive? Losing to Jim Hickbilly when you're World Champion. Remember that, Scorpio? Of course you do, you had to have Ms. Tomoko-whatever-the-fuck bail you out after you failed to secure the victory. It wasn't even an impressive bail-out either. That shit just exposed how weak you are, brah. You lost to a 60 year old man who supposedly derived all of his power from raping his 14 year old sister, and then you thought that you should still be champion... fuck.


That would be like me saying, "Hey Theo, you know how you buried me in shit and beat me? Well, I just talked to the GM in private, and I'm gonna need that crown back because I'm their favorite."


But I don't want to sit here and spend a whole fucking hour talking about what happened two years ago like anyone besides Scorpio and Peter will give a shit. Let's discuss something more recent. Now I'm not gonna sit here, turn this into quote-fest and bore you; that's Frodo's job. Let's look at a couple though, just for fun.

Quote:You've done one thing in your entire fucking career that even made people think about taking your threats seriously and that was killing Barney Green. BUT WAIT! (shows that Barney is alive... yeah...)

OH WAIT! Scorpio thinks he's finally come up with an original thought that he can jump all over Peter's ass about in order to save his promo from being a carbon copy of every other promo where someone bashes Peter. Ya' see, apparently this whole "Barney Green isn't dead" thing has him all rattled up. Scorpio... Seriously, you're gonna turn Barney Green not actually dying after Peter killed him into one of your talking points, BRAH? That's terrible, you must be lacking in the creativity department this week.


Back to the death thing. Let's see, off the top of my head, how many of these glorious deaths have we seen in wrestling?


There was that whole thing with Vince McMahon's getting blown up in his limo and resurfacing a couple of weeks later unscathed.


Paul Bearer getting buried alive in cement and returning a couple of years later.


Who fucking knows how many times Undertaker has risen from the dead after being buried alive.


Cyren getting his head cut off and coming back after having it sewn back on.


Sebastian Duke getting buried alive and then being brought back to life with a car battery.


I mean, fuck-- didn't your partner claim that he came back from the dead or some shit?


I believe even I myself have had an encounter or two with the grim reaper, yet here I stand talking to you about your stupid promo.


I'm sure there are others out there. My point is, crazy shit happens in wrestling all of the time, and the follow up is that even CRAZIER shit happens later down the road. People have lost arms and had them grow back. For fuck's sake, we saw a levitating head and a table compete not too long ago. But when Barney Green's fat ass comes wobbling back from the dead, that's where we draw the line? All of a sudden we're going with death being permanent in this wacky world of wrestling? Fuck off.


Whether your choose to believe it or not, Peter's dumbass did kill Barney Green, and now Barney is the fattest zombie or whatever to step in the ring. Get with the program, brah! Zombies, matches in space, shape shifting aliens, talking tables, clones, time travel, Peter Gilmour worshiping God and Satan... oh and this shit as well:




Point is, Barney Green reanimating is not something to be starting conspiracy theories and going crazy over. People get killed and they come back to life, welcome to wrestling.


Shit, I'm already tired of talking about these people. What's next? Fuck, I have to endure one of Frodo's promos? I really have no interest in getting into a back and forth thing where I have to eviscerate him at every counter argument like Tommy Gunn did not too long ago. Holy fuck that was brutal, Frodo. Are you really that terrible at this?


Fuck it let's get this over with.


John begins to review the footage of Frodo trying to cut a promo.


I'm not going to quote this shit line for line like Tommy Gunn did because fuck that. It's enough that I have to record myself watch this even once.


Okay he's talk about Peter and his empty threats, big shocker there.


Oh fucking hell, did he really just bring up Gauntlet City? I'm pretty sure we spent all of 2013 telling Peter about how he got carried in that match. Didn't sink in his brain then, and I doubt much has changed since then. So are the new people here so boring that they have to dig all the way back to a point in history that they weren't even a part of?


"It's not because we're better than you. If we were really that much better than you, you'd just hide from us, it's that we're better than you are, and we flaunt it."


What...the fuck?


I also found it pretty hilarious that you decided to bring up the issue over empty threats, especially after that showing from last week.

Quote: Frodo this week: I say I'm going to do something, and I do it.

Quote:Frodo last week: You will lose to me in the Junkyard, and then I'll name your partner, and you'll lose that match as well.

Aaaand he lost, and he doesn't get to name Peter's partner. Kind of goes with that whole empty threats thing, doesn't it?


John switches to the dreaded quote-fest of a promo that Frodo delivered yesterday. Once he sees the direction that Frodo is taking the promo, he immediately shuts it off.

Quote:Nope

Quote:I am not

Quote:sitting

Quote:through

Quote:that

And no one else should either. Fuckin' hell, it must have been a chore for Peter to have to actually go back and forth with you for an entire week. Honest question to everyone out there; does anyone actually watch these promos that Frodo puts out, or do you do exactly as I just did? Seriously, please don't tell me that pile of crap is the standard that we shoot for now.


Why Frodo? Why do you have to be the exact same thing as Peter Gilmour? You can't aim a little higher? Can't you see that we already have enough Gilmour running around? It comes as no surprise to me that your guys' junkyard match ended in a draw. When you guys fight, whether it's in the ring or in promos, it's like you two are stuck in a boat together, paddling in opposite directions. You're guys are just spinning in place, going nowhere with each other. It's not even entertaining to watch anymore. It's just the same old back and forth bullshit that goes nowhere.


It's funny because the ending of Gilmour versus Frodo was very telling as far as what their rivalry boils down to.

Quote:1

2

3

There's no movement from either man.

4

5

6

Still nothing.

7

8

No response.

9

No movement.

TEN!

"No movement" from either man. How appropriate, seeing as how your guys' battling promos can be described in the same way; "no movement," "still nothing." Congratulations, Frodo. You're so much better at being Gilmour than Gilmour Classic is, seeing as how Gilmour Classic was actually able to beat Peter Gilmour and leave him in the dust. You, on the other hand, are actually LOCKED into a stalemate with Peter Gilmour because of how similar you two are.


Fuck this; this is the shit that I came back for? Sid, you are such a fucking pussy for not carrying Peter through this. Hell, why are we even referring to this as a carry job? It's nowhere near that. Peter and Frodo cancel each other out so all you're left to deal with is Scorpio.


You disappoint me, XWF. I thought I was gonna come back to something challenging, but instead you hand me this turd in the form of Peter, Scorpio, and Frodo.


The cab comes to an abrupt stop as they pull up to the front of the airport.


"Goddamn it, driver! You couldn't hit the brakes any harder, could you?"


"Get out of my cab, weirdo!"


"Hey fuck you! I have a right to travel without pants on. Better yet..."


John kicks the door open just as a car was passing by. The car ends up smashing through the door of the cab, damaging it badly.


"You ruined my cab, you drunk asshole!"


"Come here, bitch!"


After stepping out of the car, John reaches for something under the backseat. It's... it's a CROWBAR! Holy fuck, you don't want to put a crowbar in the hands of John Madison. Peter remembers the match I'm referring to! John grabs the cab driver by his throat and bends him over the hood of the car.


"I'll trade you this crowbar for them pants, nigga."


John unbuttons the driver's pants, pulls them down, and forcees the crowbar up the guy's ass! Holy shit, he pushes it in until the curved end of it is touching his back. The driver screams in pain as John steals his pants and puts them on.


"Thank you, sir."


John hobbles into the airport as he adjusts the pants to his waist. He sees someone standing next to the door smoking. He kicks the guy in the balls, steals his cigarette, and runs inside.