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Scorpio · (06-15-2014)

This is my first promo since becoming an XWF World Tag Team Champion. You know, since old Griffy Mac and his partner took so long to figure out when they wanted their rematch. I'm still waiting to figure out when that is by the way, I think at this point it's pretty easy to see that they don't want none and I don't really blame them brahs. I mean honestly I've stolen more gold from Griffin MacAlister than US corporations have stolen from South Africa. That's right god damn it, I can throw in real issues too! How are those niggas gonna get their grills if we keep letting people steal their gold? Huh? HUH! My black half is highly pissed off and thinks something needs to be done about this! However my white half wants to move on with this promo and that's what we're going to do because the last time I listened to my black half I ended up downing a forty of Colt 45, shooting dice in an alley, and getting stabbed. I did win like $500 though, dem sevens brah, Scorpio be rollin dem sevens. All that aside, while I sat around waiting for my favorite cross-dressing crash test dummy to step up so I could hand him another loss, a lot of questions went unanswered. Don't worry I'll get to all of that but we're going to kick this shit off with the mutha fuckin food chain! That's right the mutha fuckin food chain, not to be confused with the food pyramid which should be comprised entirely of Wendy's if you want to live a long meaningful life. But anyway, the food chain. How many times have you heard a wrestler reference it? Too many to count? Yeah that doesn’t surprise me, people are so obsessed with it in this business that most federations create their own; they just call it “rankings”. Think about it, basically the same fuckin thing. Whatever is at the top of the food chain is supposed to feed on whatever is below it. The only difference is that rankings are supposedly more flawed than the all knowing food chain. Number five in the rankings taking out the top wrestler isn’t really all that much of a shock in the wrestling world but in the animal kingdom that shit just doesn’t happen, the food chain is gospel! Only it isn’t because you see just like in the wrestling world the animal kingdom has those loveable underdogs who didn’t get the memo that they’re supposed to be lower on the food chain than they think they are. Well that or they got the memo and responded by wiping their animal asses with it while yelling “FUCK YO FOOD CHAIN NIGGA”. For example let’s say you’re a fuckin falcon soaring through the air shitting on people’s freshly washed cars and whatever else you want to shit on because what are they gonna do? You’re a fuckin falcon! However just like every other animal falcons get hungry so you fly through the woods looking for a deer or some shit to carry away because again you’re a badass fuckin falcon and you’ll eat whatever the fuck you want. Only as you soar through the trees you get stuck, what the fuck is this shit? A spider web, really guys, really? You think this shit is going to hold me? I’m a god damn badass mutha fuckin falcon! He…he..hey, why the fuck can’t I get out of here? Spider you better stay the fuck away from me, I’ll fuckin eat you, I’m a fuckin falcon damn it! Spider what are you doing? Spider why are you looking at me like that? Spider, STAHP!

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And that my friends is the answer to your questions which all boil down to one thing, why did I pick Frodo as my tag partner? Is he at the top of the food chain? No. If the XWF officially ranked their wrestlers would he be at the top? No. Hell if you google search it right now are you going to find anybody who would rank him at the top? Probably not. But do you know what Frodo has to say to that? "FUCK YO RANKINGS NIGGA!". Seriously, have you seen the people he calls out? This nigga talks shit to and puts himself in situations where he has to fight some of the best wrestlers the XWF has to offer, REGULARLY! Seriously it doesn't matter if you were the ball pit wrestling champion down at the McDonalds playland for the last fifteen years straight or if you're the longest reining XWF Universal Champion in history, when it comes to Frodo, ZERO ARE FUCKS GIVEN! As a matter of fact you could fill Gilmour's gaping cockcucker three times over with all of the fucks he doesn't give. Now does Frodo always win, no but he has held his own against some of the best and pulled off plenty of wins against people who nobody gave him a shot in hell of beating. Not to mention the fact that the guy has only been here a short period of time and is going to do nothing but improve especially with a mutha fuckin beast like me as his partner.

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He reminds me a lot of myself when I first started out in this business. Well except for the fact that I'm taller, sexier, have a bigger dick, do less drugs, rape less things, and never sister kissed Peter Gilmour. So... he reminds me a little of myself when I first started out in this business? Yeah, let's roll with that. The fact still remains though, I see a lot of potential in Frodo. Note, potential is not code for penises, I do not see a lot of penises in Frodo. He tried to get me to watch that tape he made but I refused just like I did when he tried to show me naked pictures of Morbid Angel getting jerked off by a dolphin. Trust me brahs, some things cannot be unseen and the last thing you want to see is a Frodo sex tape or pictures of Morbid Angel getting jerked off by a dolphin. A life with those images burned into the back of your mind is no life at all.

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That brings us to the portion of the promo Peter Gilmour dreads and the reason he will run and tell everybody that my promo wasn't that good, sucked, or diddled a bunch of little kids. I of course mean that I'm about to start talking about Peter Gilmour and the funny part is I'm not even joking about that last part brahs. This piece of uncircumcised dick lent known as P-Gilly actually told the police that my promos touched a bunch of kids in their no no places the last time we had a match. DO MY PROMO'S LOOK LIKE HANK LANE!?!?!? Of course they don't which is exactly why the cops found nothing to prove that my promos are pedophiles. They even checked my promos' internet history so you know god damn well those pigs weren't screwing around. Yet they found NOTHING! So get butt hurt all you want you fucking greasy Italian splooge puddle because nothing you say or do is going to change the fact that I'm going to make you my bitch for the next week. As a matter of fact I'll even save you the trouble of whining to anybody that will listen to you and trying to downplay how bad I'm breaking my foot off in your acne covered ass. That's right, Frodo told me but that isn't the point here. The point here is I'm going to save you the trouble of throwing a bunch of bitch fits by throwing them for you! That's right brah, I plan on sending a bunch of bitch filled mass text messages to any number I can get my hands on about how badly I fucked your world up as soon as this promo is over so don't even worry about doing it yourself.

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How bout we finally get this shit started for real brahs? My pleasure, now aside from a couple unimpressive wins, one of which was apparently against a FAKE Barney Green who Peter loves to brag about killing. Oh and lets not forget that he just had a draw with Frodo, yes, he's been such a worthless peckerwood that mentioning a draw actually makes his resume look better. As I was saying, aside from his very few unimpressive wins and his draw with Frodo, Peter Gilmour has done nothing for months. That's something that surprises absolutely nobody, well nobody except perhaps one person, Peter fucking Gilmour. Yes,Peter is shocked, pissed off, and yells screwjob after just about every match he has because he's a fucking moron. A few months ago when I had my match against him I dedicated an entire promo to telling him the exact formula that every person in this federation uses to beat him. I gave him the answers, so every match that he's had since then has pretty much been an open book test, he should have known exactly what to expect and had the answers right there in front of him. However what does he do? HE STILL FINDS A GOD DAMN WAY TO FAIL!

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That's your problem brah, when people legitimately try to help you, you don't fucking listen. Sid Feder tries to help you, you don't fucking listen. I try to help you, you don't fucking listen. The Gms try to help you, you don't fucking listen. Frodo sticks his dick in your ear, AND YOU DON'T FUCKING LISTEN! Why I don't know because if you did you would have been able to hear him cumming and could have made sure he pulled out so you wouldn't have gotten that nasty ear infection. The point is people have tried to help you brah and you either act like you're listening to them yet completely ignore them or you yell your patented catchphrase of "suck my dick" at them right off the bat. Brah, that's why you can't fucking evolve and find yourself in the same god damn situations over and over AND OVER again. Seriously brah how are you not tired of doing the same stupid shit repeatedly? On top of that, THINK ABOUT YOUR FUCKING OPPONENTS ASSHOLE! There are only so many different fucking words for stupid, do you know how hard it is too make a promo against you seem even halfway creative? Probably not since the word creativity like so many others, isn't even in your vocabulary, so let me enlighten you. It's harder than my dick would be if there was a strip club somewhere that had a Wendy's inside it. HOLY SHIT, I NEED TO TALK TO FRODO ABOUT MAKING THAT SHIT HAPPEN! You see brah, it's brilliance like that which separates me from you. On the other hand it's the ability to actually learn from their past mistakes which separates apes from you.

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For Christ sake brah, forget actually moving forward. You went in reverse not too long ago in hopes of being able to switch from the man you are today who loses to damn near everybody to the man you once were who could at least win matches against the bottom feeders here in the XWF. Yeah, you started puffing out that bird chest of yours squawking about evil this and dark that only to continue to get your ass handed to you. WOW, who could have possibly seen that coming? EVERYBODY EXCEPT YOU, YOU DENSE MUTHA FUCKA! I honestly can't even comprehend how moronic you are for believing that anybody would buy into that bullshit. You're not scary brah, not at all. Did you really think throwing on some dark eyeliner and black nail polish would change that? Of course you did because you actually thought "me not" was somehow a coherent response to somebody saying something about you, you IQ of a bowling ball having ass nigga. Listen closely meat nugget because here's what would really change that, actually backing up the shit you say and oh, I don't know...... WINNING! Even if you didn't win though, let's say that you actually made good on HALF, 50%, ONE OUT OF EVERY TWO, threats you made. You know, the threats where you talk about burying people, murdering people, sending people to the hospital, making people bleed, or forcefully shoving one man's cock into the ass of another man?

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Except for that last one, I could actually see you being bout that life because you be saying some mad homo shit son. Yeah I do too but the difference is when I say or do something blatantly gay it's probably because I thought it was funny. You on the other hand say some of the most blatantly

shit I have ever heard in my life with a straight fucking face and wonder why people question your sexuality. That's not really important to me though, what's important to me is everything else I mentioned. What about those things brah? YOU DON'T DO THAT SHIT! You've done one thing in your entire fucking career that even made people think about taking your threats seriously and that was killing Barney Green. BUT WAIT! Isn't Barney Green booked for Leap of Faith?

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Well....... I'm waiting. On second thought, no, no I'm not because it's obvious that shit probably went down exactly like Barney Green said it did. Well not exactly because nobody believes that bullshit about how much money Shane

offered him. $20,000 my nigga? TWENTY THOUSAND!?!?!? Nobody believes you, you need more people. However what Barney said about some fake stepping in? It makes all the sense in the world. A fake Barney Green steps in and you pretend to kill him? That makes perfect sense brah, I mean how could it not? We all saw you kill Barney Green yet he's alive and well. Hell he's cutting promos dissing the XWF and getting booked at Leap of Faith. It must suck to be such a weak bitch that you have to PRETEND to kill people in order to get even a tiny bit of credibility in a federation that you've been in from time to time since what, 2006? You would think that somebody who has been in this federation that long would have done something, ANYTHING, that would make people even the slightest bit afraid of stepping into the ring with them but not you brah, not you.

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