I wake up, completely unsure of where the fuck I am. I feel grass on my bare skin, so I must be pretty far from Detroit. Good fucking riddance as far as I'm concerned. I groggily stand up, and see a field of corn...

Now, where am I?

I make my way through this damn field. You know, it'd be a lot easier if it was light outside. Wait a minute, it might be just my overactive imagination, or possibly the fact that every cornfield looks the same, but this looks like the cornfield from that one movie based on that Stephen King story...

Oh my god...

What was that fucking story called?

Children of the Corn!

That's what the movie was called!

So, I'm in the cornfield that was used in the movie. That's fucking awesome! My mind immediately races to remember where the movie was shot in. I know it was in the midwest. God dammit, Neil. You know this. Your absurd amount of knowledge when it comes to horror movies has trained you for this moment!

HORNICK! Hornick, Iowa!

I get smacked in the face by a, whatever things of corn are called. My hand swipes my face to get any dirt or whatever that might have been left behind out of my face. God damn corn, always getting in my way! I continue to trudge through the field, wary of a sneak attack from the corn at any second. Damn, I'm out of it...

I make it out of the field and collapse on the dirt. God damn, I am not in the condition to move about right now. How did I get from Detroit to Hornick, Iowa? I see the headlights of a truck from a few hundred feet away. I instantly get up to my feet, damn how wobbly my legs are right now! I stick my thumb up in the air, like a model hitchhiker would. The truck pulls to the side of the road next to where I'm struggling to stand...

The driver is a portly middle aged man. He's balding, and unshaven. Seriously, his fucking facial hair is something else! It looks fucking badass! He spits a mouthful of chewing tobacco out the window on his side. I hear the no longer wanted mixture hit the ground with a splatter. He looks at me, and with a gruff, almost bitter voice asks me:

"Where ya headed, hitchhiker?"

I look confused, then I remember flagging him down.

"Oh, well um sir, I woke up in the cornfield and don't know how I got here..."

Smooth one...

Shut up, Kim. Now is not the time...

The man looks at me, trying his hardest to suppress his laughter.

"Well kid, you're in Hornick, Iowa. I'll tell you what, though. I'll give you a ride to my place where you can stay the night. What do ya say?

"Thank you sir."

"No, thank you. It's been far too long since I had company..."

I want to ask him more, but common sense dictates that would be a terrible idea. I get into the passenger's seat and strap on my seatbelt. The truck roars to life and begins driving again. The driver looks at me a few times in through use of the rear view mirror and asks me another question.

"Hey, ain't you that Neil Capra fellow from that pro wrestling thing?"

I sigh. I guess this might have been inevitable, but I was still surprised to be recognized. Unsure of whether that would influence someone's opinion toward me positively or negatively...

"Why um, yes. I am Neil Capra, sir."

"It's great to meet a celebrity! Ya know, my boy and I used to love to watch pro wrestling together..."

His expression becomes more saddened when he brings up his son. I know I shouldn't ask, but I can't help myself...

"What happened to your boy?"

God fucking dammit, Neil. You're never supposed to ask questions like that!

"He grew up. Got himself a wife, two kids, a house. He lives out in Chicago now. I only see him during the big holidays. Christmas, Thanksgiving, you know. It's hard, since he's my only family left. Ever since my wife died, that is..."

He looks as if he's about to cry. I really shouldn't have asked that...

I don't know how to cheer someone up, so I just kinda sit there, looking at the road...

I start to daydream. It isn't about anything disturbing this time. Just about how much different I thought my life would turn out after I graduated high school and what not. I can't think of good things like that for long, though. Not with my dead bitch of an ex girlfriend stuck in my head and listening to every thought I fucking think...

Stop wasting your time with trivial bullshit like that. You're in this situation now, and it's time to play the cards you've been dealt instead of wishing for a new deck, Neil.

Hell, I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day. Time to move on from that. That part of my life is past me now...

The truck pulls into the gravel driveway of a huge house! Okay, maybe not huge. It's actually probably considered modest, but coming from homelessness, this thing's a fucking mansion!

I unstrap my seatbelt, and open the passenger's side door. I step out of the truck, my feet misses the step put in place to help aid someone down, and land face first into the gravel...

I hop right up to my feet as if nothing happened and we walk into the house. It's late, so he doesn't bother giving me the tour. He just leads me to the room I'm to sleep in, his son's old room. I think back to what he said about his son. That he's the only person he has left...

C'mon, Neil. You aren't really touched by that, are you?

Fuck off, Kim.

I'd shut up if I were you, your mouth got you here in the first place.

I lay back in the bed of the pitch black room. I might finally get a good night's sleep for the first time in a long while! I can't help but think of Kim again though, she has all the answers, doesn't she?

Yep. Even to the questions you never thought to ask...

I get up out of bed.

Dammit, Kim. What now?

Now, we have some fun!

What could you possibly mean by that?

Follow my lead, Neil!

I walk out of the room. Kim makes sure we're moving quietly enough to not wake the man up. Into the bedroom I go. His keys are right on the nightstand. Slowly, I reach my hand onto the nice oak nightstand. I wrap my fingers around the keys, careful to muffle the jingling. I sneak out the same way I snuck in. Kim continues to make sure the coast is clear as I take us out the front door of the house, careful to lock the door in the process...


Once we're outside, Kim becomes my navigator...

We're using the truck.

I trust her on this one. I don't know why, I just do. We hop into the truck's driver seat. I jam the keys into the ignition and start the motherfucker up. It goes on without a sound! Perfect.

Now, pull out and drive about 15 miles the way we came.

Obediently, I do as I'm told. We make it the required 15 miles without a single solitary interesting thing happening. That was boring as hell...

We made it to a small town however, Hornick's heart, so to speak. There's a small restaurant just a few feet from where the truck is...

Go inside the diner

I park the truck in a spot where no one is near. I shut off the thing, and exit. The doors make their locking noise behind me as I hit the button. I walk a about 45 feet until I make it to the door of the diner. Still open. I like where this is going...

I swing open the door, and what do I see? A table with three attractive women sitting at it. Right when I first walk in...

Neil, you've been getting kinda lucky lately...

I don't need to tell you what to do next.

That she doesn't. I take the empty chair at the table, introducing myself individually to all three of them.

Totally suave...

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

One of the ladies starts to talk, technically to everyone, but directing it at me...

Woman 1: "So, I think I speak for all of us when I say it's a pleasure to meet you, Neil! Now, may I ask, where are you from?"

"Well, I'm from Detroit..."

Woman 2: "Oh my god! No way! So am i!"

"Really?"

"Yeah!"

"Awesome! Where are you two from?"

"I'm from Miami."

Woman 3: "Omaha."

God damn small talk! Leave! Now!"

I stand up...

"Sorry ladies, I have to go. I have business to attend to..."

Before I leave, I make sure to buy them another pot of coffee...

How sweet. You got a crush on 'em or something?

Depends, are you jealous?

I walk back to the truck, when I see an employee of that very same restaurant taking out the garbage...

Wait behind him!

I sneak over to behind a trashcan he's already cleaned out and wait for him to totally turn around...

Pull your switchblade.

I take the switchblade out of my coat pocket. I keep it in a reasonable spot. Not too hard to draw, but not too obviously visible.

What are we doing?

The man turns completely around to make sure a trash bag didn't rip open entirely.

I lurch out silently, closer to the employee...

I'm showing you some real fun...

I pull something else out of my coat. Duct tape...

I get the tape ready...

I sneak every closer to him...

I'm next to him!

I raise the tape up...

And lower right over his mouth!

I use the switchblade to cut the piece from the roll and use the switchblade to threaten him to come back to the truck with me...

We get right up to the tuck...

I tape his hands together...

Then his feet...

I open the back seat doors and toss him onto the floor of the backseat...

I get into the driver's seat, start the car, and flee from the scene of the kidnapping...

What does Kim have in mind for this guy?