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JonPlex · (05-12-2014)

When we last left our hero, Jon Plex, he had just enjoyed a bountiful feast of x-rated crab legs and enjoyed watching Todd Vincent being bullied into paying for a lap dance from Betty White. In addition, Plex had gained valuable information about his opponent Tony Santos. It appears that Santos is quite the heavy smoker. Reports say as many as 15 packs a day. This news was a breath of fresh air. For Plex, not Santos. Tony’s idea of fresh air comes from a little green tank he drags around behind him everywhere he goes. Anyways, we catch up with Plex and Todd inside of a Cancer Research Center. They are roaming the halls, and it would appear if they are looking for something or someone.

Todd Vincent
Why are we here again?

Jon Plex
I like the way you play off Mr. Scene to tie everything together.

Todd Vincent
That’s not what…

Jon Plex
Dammit! Where is he!?

Todd Vincent
Where is who?

Jon Plex
The Surgeon General Todd!

Todd Vincent
Why in the hell are we…you looking for the Surgeon General?

Jon Plex
Why do I have to always explain everything for you? Aren’t you supposed to be the “smart one”?

Todd Vincent
Well excuse me! How idiotic of me to question why we randomly embarked on a search for the Surgeon General after a strip club crab leg dinner which was post Greek God showdown! Clearly I should have seen this coming!

Jon Plex
I accept your apology.

Todd Vincent
Just answer the damn question man!

Jon Plex
Sigh… ok well did you not just tell me about Tony Santos and his obsession with smoking?

Todd Vincent
I did. Followed by you explaining how you had no chance of losing thanks largely in part to his expected health issues as a result of heavy smoking.

Jon Plex
Correct. However, it does no good for me to just say these things all willy nilly! I’m no Doctor, unless we’re talking about love in which case I’m the head fucking Ph Long D of that department! Know what I’m saying!?

Plex begins to nudge Todd with his elbow accompanied with creepy eyebrow raising.

Todd Vincent
So what are you saying?

Jon Plex
I’m saying, we need to get a professional in expertise of the health issues associated with smoking. Someone who can verify my comments so there is no shadow of doubt. Tony Santos will have nothing retort with once the truth sheds light on his situation!

Todd Vincent
Hmm, not a bad idea actually.

Jon Plex
Wordizzle! Though this only works if we can find this Houdini! I could’ve swore he’d be around here somewhere!

Todd Vincent
Umm…Jon?

Todd points up at a big illuminated sign above Plex’s head that clearly reads “Surgeon Gen.”.

Jon Plex
Ohh, you think Mr. Gen will know where he is Todd?

Todd Vincent
That IS where he is Jon. Gen. is the abbreviation for General.

Jon Plex
Hell I don’t speak Spanish Todd, how was I supposed to know that! I swear…we’re losing this country one illuminated sign at a time!

Todd shakes his head in disbelief as the two enter the office of the Surgeon General who doesn’t look too happy being disturbed.

Surgeon General
Excuse me!? Who are you gentlemen? Do you have an appointment?

Jon Plex
Mr. SG, pardon my intrusion, but I really need to speak with you!

Surgeon General
I really must finish this medical report on the dangers of getting lap dances from senior citizens at strip clubs that specialize in crab legs.

Plex looks over at Todd with a goofy smile. Todd seems none too amused.

Jon Plex
Mr. SG, I of all people can relate to the work you are doing. I only ask for a few minutes of your time and then we’ll be our of your hair.

Todd Vincent
We just need to ask you a few questions and get your professional medical expertise.

Surgeon General
OK, but make it quick please. It is imperative that I get this out in time for the latest medical report magazine. People should really be made aware how disgusting and damaging lap dances from…

Todd Vincent
WE GET IT!

The Surgeon General looks confused at Todd’s outburst. Teehee, if he only knew!

Jon Plex
Settle down Herps.

Surgeon General
What questions do you have?

Jon Plex
I won’t sit here and bore you with all the details, but long story short, I have a very physically demanding task coming up.

Surgeon General
Viagra. Next question.

Todd Vincent
Hah! Zing!

Jon Plex
Um, no… you didn’t let me finish.

That’s what she said! Hey-O!!!

Jon Plex
SHUT UP MR. SCENE I’M DOING GROWN UP THINGS!

Surgeon General
Tick, tick gentlemen.

Jon Plex
Tony Santos thinks he’s going to achieve victory over me, but he barely beat Peter Gilmour and that’s really debatable because there was this deadly mosquito and he dreams about falling on needles, and he’s missing a tooth which really brings down his desirability with the ladies I’m sure and….

Todd Vincent
Good God! Doc., the guy smokes fifteen packs a day and we want to know if that will severely decrease his chances of beating my friend here.

Jon Plex
I was getting to that!

Surgeon General
Fifteen packs a day!? That’s insane! Are you sure?

Todd Vincent
Our sources are trustworthy.

Surgeon General
There is no way that man’s lungs aren’t as black as Wesley Snipes in a dark room dressed as the back of Forest Whitaker’s neck!

Jon Plex
That’s what I’m saying!

Surgeon General
It goes without saying that someone who openly admits to smoking fifteen packs a day has basically removed all hope of ever winning an athletic competition in any sport. I would even venture to say they have less than two weeks left to live on this planet. He surely has more cancer than St.Jude.

Todd Vincent
Damn! This is worse than I thought!

Jon Plex
So you’re agreeing that he stands no chance against me on Warfare in a TLC match?

Surgeon General
I have no idea what that is. If it’s anything that requires one ounce of physical activity then yes, consider yourself the victor. I would even go as far to offer some advice. Get him coughing, and he will never stop. He probably has an extreme case of emphysema and it won’t take much to get him to black out from oxygen deprivation to the brain.

Jon Plex
Ohh, I’ll have to remember that one!

Surgeon General
Is that everything you needed to know?

Todd Vincent
I believe so. You’ve been a real help sir!

Jon Plex
One more thing. I read on Wikipedia…

Todd Vincent
Jesus…

Jon Plex
That smoking can also lead to hip fractures?

Surgeon General
That is correct. Maybe you go for his hip as well?

Plex begins rubbing his hands together very maniacally joined with a horrible impression of evil laughter.

Jon Plex
Wikipedia wins again!

Todd Vincent
Sigh. Let’s go Jon. I think we have heard everything we needed.

Surgeon General
Have a nice day gentlemen.

The two leave the office as the Doctor sits there still looking perplexed.

Surgeon General
Fifteen packs… my God he must sound like Marge Simpson’s sisters combined when he speaks.

He shudders at the thought as Plex and Todd leave the building and hail a cab to return them back to their hotel.

Jon Plex
Now there is no avoiding the elephant in the room. Tony Santos hung his own self! Tobacco has done all the hard work for me. All I have to do is show up!

Todd Vincent
He will probably come out and try to force feed us an excuse and a promise that none of the facts we have uncovered today will play a role in the match. We know the truth though. Maybe if this match was a competition to see who could produce the most phlegm, then he could make a case for himself. The truth hurts, way more than going through a table, more than being pushed off a ladder, and more than a steel chair shot. Unfortunately he will have to experience than pain also.

Jon Plex
Hash tag sucks to be Santos!

And just like that, it begins trending worldwide on Twitter. A cab pulls up and the two hop in.

Jon Plex
I bet his favorite band is Weezer!

Todd Vincent
Driver, take us to the hotel.

Jon Plex
You know, I know the Surgeon General was all worried about Santos and his cancer. But if you think about it. Isn’t this one of those times where maybe it’s the cure and not the problem?

Todd Vincent
Come Warfare, his only problem will be Jon Plex… that and breathing.

Jon Plex
Yay!

The cab pulls off into the distance and the scene slowly fades away to a picture that both sums up Tony Santos in true XWF insult fashion. Until we meet again, all hail Plex!

[Image: image.png]

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