The scene opens to Griffin McAlister sitting at home rolling a joint. Things have gotten stressful since his mother’s return to life. She was a very controlling woman who really didn’t like anyone except other jews and even then that was an iffy thing. Griffin packed himself a large blunt and was just about to light it when his mother came bursting into the room! Her fat swayed the mobile home and her titties jiggled with every step. Her smell was a mixture of fresh onions and old meat mixed with Dial soap. It is known that being fat and washing are two very hard things to actually do…not the being fat part…washing it…and wiping ones own ass…think about that next time you see one fat motherfucker…are they wiping properly? After that everything you smell in their presence is questionable…if that shit or other bodily stink?
Either way the mobile home has no air conditioner and the early spring heat wave is in full effect! The odor was something powerful.



Griffin McAlister-”Momma! Get out of my room!”


Momma Griffin-”Shut up boi! This is my trailer!”


Griffin McAlister-”No Mamma, when you died I got the trailer in your will.”


Momma Griffin-”Well I ain’t dead no more! This is mine again so I’ll do what I want.”



She looks around and see’s Griffin trying to hide the potentially illegal substance.



Momma Griffin-”ARE YOU SHOOTING HEROIN!?”


Griffin McAlister-”No…I don’t do Heroin.”


Momma Griffin-”Steroids?”


Griffin McAlister-”Momma No! I don’t do that stuff…it’s bad for you.”




Griffin says as he lights up a cigarette, sucking it like it were a thick shake from Wendy’s.




Mamma Griffin-”What is it then?”




Griffin didn’t want to tell her what it was because if she knew she would smoke up all his shit. Back before she died she was known as the “Weed Eater”. The name was given to her because she would literally smoke a pound of weed in an hour…she was also known to eat it like it were a fucking head of lettuce…even with the ranch dressing.

Though Griffin’s mother was a woman of large appetite she also enjoyed her illegal drugs. Griffin was born with her drunk and at the time she didn’t even know she was pregnant and partied like it was something going out of style. The night she went into labor she was at a party and had more than a few gentlemen callers who filled her completely and as labor kicked in she thought she might have overdosed on something. This was not the case and she was shocked with a beautiful 10 pound baby boy…she named him Donald…Donald Hoffer. He would later change that name to Griffin McAlister. Something more appealing for sometone out of bank work.

His childhood was something of an oddity where he spent a lot of time with the state because of his mothers incarceration. The first time she went to Prison he was just near 6 years old and she forgot to tell the courts about him…He spent 4 months alone in the same trailer he lives in now, eating what he could grab from the house and going outside to wash in the puddles by the street. He was actually found by police after a convicted child molester picked him up begging for food and took him for a ride. Luckily, the police pulled the pedophile over for a expired tags and saw the man who was cleaner than the filthy malnutrition child and ran the mans name. Young Griffin escaped the molesters car with minor molestation. His mother got another 6 months for failure to speak up on having a child…after all this was the 1980’s and these motherfuckers didn’t care about children as much as they do now…

Griffin grew up with his mother in and out of the picture and when he was 14 he ran away from home and joined a gang of greasy mechanics who worked on lawnmowers….but they still considered themselves mechanics! They taught him everything he knows right down to how you suck on a cigarette. Hanging with these dirty bastards he found his first love, Sara Brown…she was a crackhead that wandered the park where he stayed. He didn’t realize that she was a working girl and did it all for the money…he thought that she needed the money to get them some food and smokes but got side tracked…every dollar he gave her and in return she would favor him with….well…favors.

One of the last encounters they had together, Griffin gave her $10 that he earned fixing an old Snapper lawn mower (it’s always the belts I tell ya!). She wanted more money for the favors that he wanted. Kissing was extra…isn’t that weird with prostitutes? If you kiss them they want more….I mean they put your cock in their mouth for $10 but to kiss them it costs the same? Weird shit…I wonder if you eat prostitute pussy if they give you money back? I’ll leave that mystery to Frodo Smackins.
Back to the story…She wanted more than $10 because the price of the rock she wanted went up…she wanted $20 for her services…$10 wouldn’t even get him a hand job! It was at this moment that he realized that she didn’t love him and was using him for his money. He bartered with her and sadly won a foot job for his hard earned money…he cried and whimpered as she stroked his genitals with her foot, wrapping her dirty toes and nasty nails around his member…not that is was too disgusting…she broke the poor boy’s heart.

After that he never did business with her again…..

FLASHFORWARD TO CURRENT DAY!

Griffin McAlister-”It’s nothing…just…nothing.”


Momma Griffin-”Well if it’s nothing then why you hiding it Boi?”


Griffin McAlister-”Because it’s mine! I am old enough to have my own secrets from you Mamma!”



Momma Griffin back hands him hard! It was one of those really unexpected hits that almost seem to be in slow motion. The slow rippling of fat, like a delicate wave on the shore of a lake. All the way up until the last second when things almost seem to not happen and the slap never happened but the pain still remains!!


Griffin McAliser-”Momma! Why you hittin’ me?!”


Momma Griffin-”GIVE ME WHAT’S IN YOUR FUCKING HAND!”




Griffin sadly hands over the joint that he made…Momma Griffin snatches it and gives it a smell…it was wrapped in used cigar paper…she noticed something was wrong….she smells it again.




Momma Griffin-”This ain’t real weed!”


Griffin McAlister-”What do you mean momma? I just bought that today.”


Momma Griffin-”this is bunk weed! WHO IS SELLIN’ MY BOY WEED THAT IS FAKE?…Is it that black boi up the street?”


Griffin McAlister-”No momma. I got it from Michael.”


Momma Griffin-”MICHAEL MCBRIDE?!”


Griffin McAlister-”No momma, Michael Alpine…he lives on the other side of the park.”


Griffin’s mother breaks the blunt in half and looks at what can only be described as grass clippings…far from anything that resembles weed. She knew that he got ripped off and he had no idea he was getting fucked over.


Momma Griffin-”Take me to this Motherfucker’s house!”



Since Momma Griffin was overweight they could not walk there within a reasonable time so they jumped into her early thousands Kia Rio.
The Kia Rio is not known for their longevity, considered to be more of a throw-away car. In the late 90’s and early thousands they ran specials on the Kia Rio where if you bought one car (Rio) for cheap ($12000 to $16000) you get a second Kia Rio for free. Only Kia and Geo Metro have ever successfully done this and still failed at it. Even though most of the consumer market is full of those who are ignorant and want more for less, they could still tell that this was a bad purchase…Momma Griffin purchased the deal and got the two cars and drove one to death while she allowed the second to stay parked in new condition up until 6 years ago. This car looks like it’s been through hell fire and a mess of sewers. But it still ran.

They drive the short distance to Griffin’s dealer…Michael Alpine!

Momma Griffin tries to pop out of the car but is slow to the exit. Griffin meets her on the other side of the car to help her escape the vehicle and join him on the porch…Griffin Knocks…


Momma Griffin-”MICHAEL ALPINE! GET YOUR FUCKIN’ ASS OUT HERE!”


Griffin McAlister-”Shh Momma! Lets try and be calm about this…these are dangerous people.”


Momma Griffin-”Boi, they live in a fuckin’ trailer park! They are not dangerous!”



Moments later Michael Alpine…the “Drug” dealer.


Michael Alpine-”You want some more bud, my friend?”


Momma Griffin-”You sellin’ garbage!”


Griffin’s mother throws the joint full of garden weeds at the screen door…the dried green foliage falls to the wooden floor. A singular clover lay separated from the other mound…thus he knew he was caught selling fake shit.


Michael Alpine-”Get the fuck off my porch!”


Momma Griffin-”Fucking make me! Pussy bitch lookin’ motherfucker!”


Michael Alpine-”I’ll fuckin’ shoot you if you don’t get off my lot! This is my shit! And I don’t need to give you a goddamn thing!”



Griffin’s mother attacks the door, kicking at the frame…Michael jumps back and pulls a gun…firing one shot through the screen door and hitting Griffin’s mother in the chest! She stops kicking and steps back looking down as her white muumuu starts turning red with blood.


Momma Griffin-”BITCH, YOU SHOT ME IN MY TITTIE!”



She jumps through the door and pummels poor Michael with a barrage of fists and kicks before flopping her entire weight onto his much smaller frame….the gun fires again…Griffin’s mother stumbles back!


Momma Griffin-”baby, take me to the hospital…this bitch fucked me up a little…but first…get his wallet…for Momma.”



Griffin quickly grabs Michael’s wallet and jams it into his pocket before helping his mother to the car and speeding off towards the hospital…though with her weight the car maxed out at 45mph. Got to love the 4cylinder.

As Griffin was driving while trying to stop the bleeding on his poor mother. She had blood pouring from her much ample breast and from her belly area…the exact spot of injury was hard to place considering her stomach fat went from base-breast to her knees…anyway he was feeling around for the wound and paying less attention to the road than he should have been until *BAM*….he rear ends a car…not just any car…one of them new fangled Lincoln Navigators! Griffin looks up through the windshield and was kind of grateful that the airbags didn’t deploy….a man jumps from the Navigator and storms around into the street! As the man cleared into full view he was familiar to Griffin…and his Mother!



Momma Griffin-”Is that Motherfuckin’ Morbid Angel?!”


Griffin’s eyes widen as Morbid Angel starts screaming…Morbid does the most logical thing and starts beating on his own car…giving the windows the fist treatment.

Griffin quickly rolls down his hand crank windows to try and calm the wild Morbid Angel…



Griffin McAlister-”Yo, Dude. My bad.”




Griffin’s mother looks at him with terror in her eyes



Momma Griffin-”Please tell me you didn’t just “Yo” at Morbid Angel?…and then call him Dude.”


Griffin McAlister-”It’s OK momma, I know him.”



Morbid Angel turns his attention to the McAlister-mobile and starts charging like a bull with no horns! Griffin slams the car into reverse and steps on the gas! The car peels backward and bumps another car! Griffin starts to turn and looks forward again to see a 390lb man flop down on the hood! His fingers claw at the windshield like a crazed ape. Griffin hopes he jumps off and keeps going! The extra weight on the cars tiny engine made it drop from a maximum of 45MPH to 24MPH…because it can’t be 25MPH…Because I said so!

As the car maxed out on speed Morbid started punching the windshield while growling like a cheap death metal band on crack! Morbid crawls onto the roof of the car and stands up and starts to jump up and down! The room slowly starts to cave in on the Griffin Family.




Griffin McAlister-”DUDE! CHILL THE FUCK OUT! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!”



Morbid’s reply was heard but not really understood…it was a bunch of growls and screams mixed with the words “kill” and “motherfucker”. With Morbid Angel’s answer he jumps again and just before he lands Griffin hit’s the breaks! Coming to a quick stop and Morbid Angel bounces off the hood and rolls onto the ground! Griffin quickly pulls around the fallen Morbid Angel who was quickly getting to his feet for his continued assault on the Griffin-mobile. Griffin passes him but Morbid Angel gives chase! The scene can only be described as ridiculous as you would think…Morbid Angel running at top speed looking like Ace Ventura but still keeping a steady pace. But was no match for the shitty engine in the Kia Rio. Morbid soon fades into the distance…if he gave up that was unlikely.

The damage caused by Morbid Angel and his vehicle took its toll on the aged throw-away. Smoke starts to pour from the hood as the engine rattled and sputtered…finally rolling to a stop within eyes distance of the hospital. Honestly I have no idea why they didn’t call an ambulance…seems like the most logical approach but we don’t deal in logical! Fuck that!




Momma Griffin-”Boi, I think I’m dyin’ for real this time.”


Griffin McAlister-”No momma, you can’t die!”




Griffin starts top tear up…sniffles and all.





Momma Griffin-”How many times do I need to tell you to stop acting like a goddamn ! Its not like you liked me much anyway.”



Griffin McAlister-”I did try and like you…you had your moments.”


Momma Griffin-”I just want you to know that I am sorry for your childhood…and that one time I got you molested…and that other time when I traded you for some cocaine…I…I’ve made some mistakes and I hope you can forgive me before I die.”


Griffin McAlister-”I forgive you momma. You were the best momma I ever had!”


Momma Griffin-”I BETTER BE THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKIN’ MOMMA! I don’t share!”


Griffin McAlister-”You are the only momma for me. Scouts honor!”


Momma Griffin-”Good!”





In the distance an ambulance drives towards them




Momma Griffin-”Boi…It looks like my time isn’t up yet. They are coming to save me!”




Griffin looks at the approaching ambulance and lunges at his mother wrapping his bands around her neck and squeezing with all his might! The fat squished between his fingers like warm butter.



Griffin McAlister-”DIE YOU FUCKING BITCH! Learn to stay out of my room! IT’S MY FUCKIN’ WEED!”



Griffin’s mother struggles to say these last words.



Momma Griffin-”Your uncle John is your father………….."




With those words, Momma Griffin fades off into the afterlife. Now Griffin has many questions. His Uncle John was his mothers brother…of the same bloodline. Was Griffin a child of an incestuous relationship between brother and sister? Could this be the reason he is oddly attracted to his first cousins? Is incest contagious or are you just born with it? Born into it is one thing…maybe it’s like AIDS, you can catch it. Either way….Griffin’s mother has died…leaving him lone once more but this time with his own car….a broken down dead car…and no drug dealer…how will he ever get any more marijuana? That is his number one question…the ambulance reaches the car and finds Griffin with tears streaming down his face…a mixture of joy and fear…he just sat there and watched as the paramedics pull his others body from the car…he did not notice Morbid Angel running up on the car! He punches out the drivers side window and grabs Griffins nasty, dirty hair and pulls him through the window.



Morbid Angel-”FFFUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKK!”


Griffin McAlister-”Calm down big’un! It was an accident!”




Griffin runs off into the woods with Morbid Angel chasing after him!











(OOC-OK, I wrote Griffin McAlister for the last two weeks for this Shove It and I would like to say this. The real Griffin McAlister (handler) is much better than what I could do. I wrote Griffin as more of a satire idea. Tim (I believe his real name is OOC) is a good sport and has a good sense of humor and I thank him for that. These role-plays I did were in no way my attempt to insult or impugn his work. I hope everyone enjoyed! It was fun!)