OOC: Trying something a little different. Hope this works. Have permission to use John Austin as well.

My Journal!

Oh John... my dearest love. I know one day you will see this. Maybe later today... maybe not. Whenever I see fit or leave it for you to find. I still am in awe that you allowed this wretched soul to move in your home and opened not only your home but your life to me. I won't ever understand what you saw in me. Especially the day we met at the coffee shop after I ran from Matt and my sister that day. I tried to be as normal as I could and tried to play the perfect girlfriend. Even before we really got to that point. But I fell deeper into my abyss and now, I don't know what I have become but you seem to like it or maybe just expecting it. I don't know. But I appreciate you letting me be me. even if I don't even know what it is. But honestly... I wouldn't ever blame you if you ever changed your mind and decided this is not what you want.

At times I sit and reflect the moments I spend with you. Really, I don't know what is more of a rush. The adrenaline of watching you stand there cuffed to the giant X all helpless and submitting to me. I think of how my whip kisses the flesh of your skin... how the crop caresses your skin as it leaves it's bite. Or after when we cuddle and make such sweet love together. Hell, I don't even know what you see in me. I hope it isn't pity for me cause I hit the lowest of a low. But you know, and I guess that is all the matters. I know I don't say it a lot and certainly it don't see like I show it, but I do love you. Don't think this is a goodbye note... no it isn't. I won't leave unless you tell me to. I mean hell this is your home you invited me in. I am not the one that moved you.

I felt the need to express my feelings that I have trouble saying here. As you have figured out as of late, I have become extremely negative and extremely depressed. Even our sessions have started to be effected. You have even come to me handing me the collar or whatever toy you feel you want me to use and I always give in. I can't say no to you. Yes, I have growled when you have grumbled under your breath or said something disrespectful. I have punished you for them as well. But... I still can't help but wonder why you stay with me? Guess I will never know why you keep me around. But like I said, I am glad you do.

Now finally management is getting smart enough to team us up together. Smart enough to put us in a tag match as a team instead of you on one team and me on another. We are together and we get to fight together. We get to show this company and all the yahoos in it exactly what we are and what we can do and just how good we are together. You see, this is going to be our chance to bring these people into our world and let them experience what it is like to be us. They get to see what a real couple that lives together 24/7 and works together and plays together and even at times trains together can do. We together have been unstoppable and I want to prove that we are still just that.

I know... I am on a major losing streak... and hell I deserve it. I have no friends left. Everyone has lost faith in me. Hell, I am starting to lose it in myself. Guess all I am worth is to be a damn jobber. IF we lose... I will take the blame. I am getting good at that. Good at taking the blame and failing. Hell I have failed you like I have everyone else I have ever been around for. I am sorry. I am sorry that I have fucked everything up. Maybe it is time I stop wrestling and just be a manager. Can't fuck that up... can I? Yeah.... I guess I am done rambling. Done thinking. Done trying to try. Time to just give it up. I will leave this open and you can read it. I will be on the beach.

End!