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Tri Bute · (04-04-2014)

Future Letter To The Future Editor:

“Hey Tri Bute! I see that the space hunk Mr. SuperNova is now teaming up with you and Jessie! Wow! Mr. SuperNova is my all-time favorite wrestler! How did you get such a cool and awesome guy to be on your team?” – Seraphina, 22, CA, Present Earth

Dear Seraphina,

That’s a girl’s name. When I plucked Mr. SuperNova from the mass of applications I received I thought I picked someone who appealed to the male audience. It’s all chicks telling me how cool it is. I guess I could have just gone with Axle King after all. Well, what’s done is done.

Anyway on Mr. SuperNova, I’m sure I could parrot some other people’s opinions about his amazing dimension-crossing adventures or his dominant reign as Television champion, but I honestly never really cared for it. He’s just some alien of some kind. However, I am confident in his abilities to pick up where my previous team member left off. Maybe someday I’ll go back and watch his matches or his promos, but I’m very busy. I have to sit around all day and type the future comics that this Q & A blog is supposed to be about.

After I had Egyptian Snow Pharaoh kill herself, it was really a tossup on the ‘deciding who the replacement should be’ front since the person I originally had in mind lost to Theo Pryce and vanished. My second choice has been lying down next to Guppy Parsh for the last month waiting for entrant number nine to come out and I don’t think he’ll be moving anytime soon.

So yeah, I put all the people I thought could draw in the male audience into a hat, I picked a name out of that hat, asked Archie Lawson to make that person my partner, and there you go. That’s how The Future Wildcards seemed to have started so I figured it was the best way to go forward. The best solution to any problem is going back to your roots, remember that! I am sure Egyptian Snow Pharaoh is glad that she did herself in now the team has grown immediately stronger in her absence.

Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

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“Hey Bute, I’d just like to start off by saying I’m a fan of yours. I once had Mellontophobia, which is the fear of the future, but now that I’ve read some of your stories about it my fears have been calmed. Anyway, I’ve been confused about the name of that championship you won eight thousand times for the longest time. Why are you “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” as opposed to “The 8000 Future Time SSAW Future King of The Future Universe Future Warrior Grandslam Mega Future Murder Future Mother Future Flippin’ Future Champion”?” – Jeremy, 40, NY, Present Earth

Dear Jeremy,

I’m glad I helped cure your state of mind, instilled your faith in humanity, and etcetera! Please thank me by clicking on the advertisements on this page.

Anyway, at the point in time when the future championship was named, Future Earth was doing a bit of a ‘nostalgic run’. The future products that were future released, the future buildings that were future built, and the future children that were future born were all given ‘old school’ future names. So naturally the Future Championship Belt Future Naming Future Committee followed this trend. I future appealed to the future committee any time they would allow it, but they refused to re-future-name the future championship even years after the future fad was over.

Now that the future committee hasn’t been formed yet, I guess I could change it to your suggestion, but I don’t want to create a timeline where I get future scolded over it. It’s a bit more trouble than it’s worth.

Thanks for your support and reading,
“The 8000 Future Time SSAW Future King of The Future Universe Future Warrior Grandslam Mega Future Murder Future Mother Future Flippin’ Future Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

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“Tri Bute,

I went over some old future comics, since it takes like years for a new one to come out, and I read a ‘future blog’ thing somewhere towards the beginning of the issue your currently writing; are we going to see the rest of that top ten list anytime soon? It’s been five months.” – Frankie, 23, NC, Present Earh

Dear Frankie,

The end of ISSUE #18 will tie up all the loose ends, so you should expect an answer to your question at some point in the next five years. That day was a momentous event in my future lifetime and six months of memorable moments don’t even begin to cover the significance from a biographical standpoint. I may try and finish it up faster, but I refuse to skip over any important details. The entire story with all of its bridged gaps and points of view needs to be explored before it can come to an end. Blo Gger’s story will be finished, but it may not be how you expected it to or as soon as you want it.

Answering these questions, recollecting the events of my past, and putting them onto a Microsoft Word document is a full-time job. The process is slow and even draining. I’m sure I want to be finished as much as you want to read the next part. You’ll just have to be a little patient.

Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

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“Dear Tri-Bute,

It’s me again and my name is Peter Anderson not Peter-Anderson you dumb future fuck. I’d just like to point out that at WWX you were undeniably exposed as the lying loser you are. Go ahead and try to spin that shit. You can’t. No one is going to believe that the graphical department colluded with the referees to have you eliminated from the match, that’s hogwash! It was all real ‘future blood’ pouring out of your open wound. I saw it with my own eyes. If you're lying about people from the future not being able to bleed what else are you lying about? I bet 'future explosions' really do hurt people. My point is that I will no longer trust a fraud.

How’s that soup? I bet it’s all you can afford to eat now that I’ve destroyed your credibility. How’s life with no one ever clicking your ads ever again?

I don’t like being lied to, but I could be persuaded to tell all my boycotting family members to go back to clicking your ads. That is if you follow these conditions.

1. Put this letter in your “Future Letter To The Future Editor” blog (stupid name for a blog by the way.)
2. Admit you really aren’t from the future.
3. Agree to never put a hyphen in my name or anyone’s who is your superior ever again.
4. Remove the ads from your liar content.
5. Turn yourself in to the authorities since false advertising is illegal.

If you do all that you’ll be able to buy real food again. You’re lucky I’m even giving you a chance to come clean.” – Peter Anderson (NO HYPHEN), 19, FL, Present Earth

Dear Peter-Anderson,

I think I’ll just do number one. The rest of your commands don’t really match up with reality and I’ll explain why. I am from the future. You are not my superior. None of my content contains lies. I have never paid for advertising or asked for my content to be promoted anywhere, so if any false advertising for my pieces exist, well, I am not at fault.

It definitely did appear as if I bled at World War Xtreme, but that wasn’t future blood. It was catsup. I wasn’t confident in my ability to bust someone open, since I’ve never done it before, so I snuck in a chair with a bottle of Hunt’s Tomato Ketchup attached to it. My plan was to hit someone with the catsup bottle chair in such a way that it would seem as though they bled. As you can see, I was all-in for my team. I wasn’t expecting Griffin McAlister to throw away his team’s chance at winning on that night. Griffin McAlister kicked the catsup bottle into my face and it got all over me. He must’ve been jealous that I held the better tag belts or something.

It’s a bit saddening to give it your all for a team and for them to just turn their back on you because there is some catsup on your face. I won’t be letting that happen again. In fact, with the new Egyptian Snow Pharaoh, Mr. SuperNova, as a member of my team I have zero worries about being sad ever again. Azrael SuperNova seems very loyal. I can tell he doesn’t want to let the team down. In August, after Miss Diaz is gone, my next improvement will be even better.

Back onto the main topic, your parents have nothing to worry about; my ads are once again safe to click on. I’m happy I could resolve this issue for you. I did notice a slight drop in ad revenue after that match, but now that my good name has been restored I am sure I’ll be able to buy bread and water today. I was sick of soup, so thank you for letting me prove myself innocent.

On the name of this blog, I see where you’re coming from with the ‘stupid name’ comment. It is a non-sense name when you think about it. I haven’t received any ‘Future Letters’ since I started this blog, but I have received plenty of E-Mails. Using that logic this blog should be called ‘E-Mails to the Future Editor’, but what if I told you that I’m not the editor of the future comics. The editor doesn’t receive any E-Mails from the reader base; I get all the E-Mails. So you have a point here. Maybe I will start calling this ‘E-Mails to Tri Bute’ instead of the silly name I have now.

Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Future Letter To The Future Editor #6: Seraphina, Jeremy, Frankie, Peter-Anderson
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