JIMMY FALLON:“Ladies and Gentlemen our next guest is one of the fastest rising stars in the X-treme with an X, Wrestling Federation. He is the current X-treme Champion. Please welcome Enigma…”



The people in the audience applaud, most of them have absolutely no clue who I am but the sign above them that says “Applaud” is lit up and like the good little lemmings they are, they do as they are told.

As soon as I hear the applause start I walk out from the back wearing a fancy white suit with a black bowtie and of course my mask. Jimmy seems a little surprised to see me in a mask or perhaps it’s the suit but being the improve wizard that he is, he just rolls with it. We shake hands and then walk over to the stage where Jimmy’s desk and guest seats are located. Jimmy takes a seat behind his desk while I grab the seat closest to Jimmy’s desk.



JIMMY FALLON:“I have to say that mask throws me off a bit, you might be my first guest to ever come out wearing one.”

ENIGMA: “Do you like it? My mask? It’s a little different, and I like to be different.”

JIMMY FALLON:“It certainly is. Would you care for a drink there is a glass of water in front of you if you get thirsty.”

ENIGMA: “Thanks Jimmy but as you can see there is no opening in this mask for me to drink.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Well you could take the mask off if you wanted to.”

ENIGMA: “And overshadow you as the best looking guy on the stage, never. I would never do that to you on your own show.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Well I appreciate that. So tell me is Enigma your first name or your last name?”

ENIGMA: “It is neither and yet both.”

JIMMY FALLON:“I honestly have no idea how to respond to that. You’re so mysterious.”

ENIGMA: “Exactly.”

JIMMY FALLON:“So you are a professional wrestler, is that your full time job or just something you do for fun?”

ENIGMA: “It’s my day job, well actually, it’s my night job since our events take place at night.”

JIMMY FALLON:“I see. And you are the X-treme Champion, is that an important title in the XWF?”

ENIGMA: “Yes and no.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Again so mysterious.”

ENIGMA: “Well Jimmy the X-treme title is supposed to be the second most important title in the federation behind the Crown, and yet, people treat it like it is toilet paper. By that I mean people shit all over it.”



I can hear the crowd gasp for a second.



JIMMY FALLON:“Whoa there Mr. Enigma we can’t use that language on this show. This is wholesome family entertainment.”

ENIGMA: “It is? Doesn’t this show air at 11:30pm?”

JIMMY FALLON:“Facts Enigma. Who needs them?”

ENIGMA: “Certainly not the Republicans.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Rim shot.”

ENIGMA: “All seriousness though Jimmy, the X-Treme title used to be really important, it was something guys not named Peter Gilmour frothed at the mouth over. Now it’s a joke. And that’s why I wanted to win it. Because I wanted to bring it back to prominence. And since the last few champions failed in their quest at doing so I took it upon myself to be the guy to do it.”

JIMMY FALLON:“I see. Now you said that the XWF has a Crown, like a real crown?”

ENIGMA: “Well it’s not exactly the same as what you would see on a show like Game of Thrones but yes, the federation’s highest accolade is a crown, the title of “King of the XWF.”

JIMMY FALLON:“So you watch Game of Thrones?”

ENIGMA: “Of course. It’s soft core porn with decapitations. It’s basically the XWF but on HBO.”

JIMMY FALLON:“The XWF is soft core porn?”

ENIGMA: “Have you seen some of the people who work in the XWF? John Austin and Christine Nash come to mind. They are all about S & M. You have this smallish white guy named Frodo who will rape anything he can get his hands on. And then of course the great Peter Gilmour, he wants everyone to suck his di…Mr. Winky.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Thanks for catching yourself there.”

ENIGMA: “Anything for you Jimmy.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Now Peter Gilmour is a name I have heard previously, tell me about him.”

ENIGMA: “Well he lives right here in Hollywood. In fact he’s the quote Hollywood Bad Boy unquote. He actually just returned from a month long vacation and I have to tell you, it was probably the second most exciting day in 2014 for the XWF. The activity on the XWF website was unreal. People were visiting the site like never before. You would have thought the XWF was dispercing their income tax checks.”

JIMMY FALLON:“That’s crazy. And is this Peter Gilmour fellow any good?”

ENIGMA: “Very good. Especially when he faces guys like Mr. Radio.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Mr. Radio, is that a stage name?”

ENIGMA: “Yes it is. His actual name is Michael, though some of us back stage have taken to calling him Kayfabe or just Kay for short.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Kayfabe? What is that it sounds like some kind of underground Asian porn.”

ENIGMA: “Well I did tell you the XWF was like soft core porn but not, Kayfabe has nothing to do with pornography. I guess the easiest way to explain it would be to say breaking the fourth wall.”

JIMMY FALLON:“I got you. I got you.”

ENIGMA: “So anyway I want to touch on the subject of Mr. Radio for a second if I could Jimmy.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Absolutely. Go for it.”

ENIGMA: “The other day Mr. Radio, I mean, Kay, Kay cut a promo where he just blasted everyone and everything. And while some people might take that promo and laugh it off as the rants of a crazy lunatic I see it as the first time this Kay showed any sort of passion. Unfortunately for Kay it’s probably going to end up being the dumbest decision he’s ever made.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Uh oh. That doesn’t sound good.”

ENIGMA: “No it doesn’t. But if we could Jimmy I want to get back to Peter Gilmour for a second. You see this X-treme title that I have. Mr. Gilmour has won that title not once, not twice, not three times or four, not five times or six times but more.”

JIMMY FALLON:“How many times Enigma?”

ENIGMA: “11 Times. Jimmy.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Wow wee 11 times Enigma?”

ENIGMA: “11 times Jimmy. And now he is back and I am sure he is going to want a match with the current champion.”

JIMMY FALLON:“And that’s you.”

ENIGMA: “That’s me.”

JIMMY FALLON:“But I understand you have a very big match, some are calling it the biggest match of your short career coming up. Tell us about that if you could.”

ENIGMA: “Sure thing Jimmy. It’s what we in the business call an Elimination Chamber Match. What that means is that 6 people are involved in the match, two start out in the ring the other 4 are locked into glass pods which will open at various timed increments. The winner is the last man standing.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Sounds entertaining. How do you fare your chances are?”

ENIGMA: “Pretty good Jimmy. In fact, I haven’t lost a match yet and I don’t foresee this being the first one. Now that has something to do with me and something to do with my opponents.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Please tell us about your opponents.”

ENIGMA: “Well first we have Kay, Kay is in this match though I don’t fancy that he will make it long. He’s pretty terrible. We also this guy named Swagmire. He’s had a lot to say about me. Lately. Recently he seemed to think that because I do not differentiate between him and his brother that I am incapable of doing so. Unfortunately Swagmire would be wrong. It’s not that I can’t tell an above average sized black man apart from a smallish sized white man, it’s that neither of them have done anything to warrant any sort of distinction. Instead I just lump them together as being part of the same miserable family. It’s true they don’t’ share the same bloodline but that hasn’t stopped them both from being decent at best professional wrestlers. They both like to talk, a lot, if only they liked to win as much. SwagMire does think he’s rather special thought seeing as how he is the Ark Champion. Ignoring the fact that the Ark Champion is the equivalent to the ribbon they give out to kids in school for coming in 6th place in the grade school spelling bee. You know how it is Jimmy. Everyone gets an award these days. we have to coddle everyone.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Very true. So that’s two of your opponents how about the other 3?”

ENIGMA: “Well we have a guy named Hank Lane, he’s kind of just there to make Kay not feel like the most worthless wrestler on the planet, and unfortunately Hank isn’t good enough at that so Kay will remain the worst wrestler on planet Earth. Next we have Mandii, I like Mandii, I really do. Whenever I watch one of her promos I feel like I’m watching an episode of True Blood, you know, before it got awful.”

JIMMY FALLON:“That show was good?”

ENIGMA: “For a very brief time yes it was. And lastly we have the Spanglish Speaking Champion Cheat Lucena.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Cheat Lucena…why do I know that name?”

ENIGMA: “Oh he’s been on the Jay Leno show for what feels like weeks now.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Weeks?”

ENIGMA: “Yes Jimmy weeks. Apparently all the big name guests want to appear on your show so Jay has been left shopping in the bargain bin.”

JIMMY FALLON:“So this Cheat, he’s the other Champion in this match?”

ENIGMA: “That he is. And he is a heck of a champion at that. He doesn’t seem to like me very much.”

JIMMY FALLON:“I can’t imagine why that would be.”

ENIGMA: “Me either Jimmy. I think it’s because of my helmet…”

JIMMY FALLON:“Your what?”

ENIGMA: “My helmet. Well, my mask. It’s called a mask but I guess somewhere that was lost in translation so Mr. Lucena calls it a helmet. And that’s ok. Certainly not the worst offense ever. Not like making a return after a month long break only to pin the wrong guy.”

JIMMY FALLON:“This Cheat Lucena did that?”

ENIGMA: “No Peter Gilmour did.”

JIMMY FALLON:“I thought we were talking about Cheat Lucena?”

ENIGMA: “We are but I just wanted to slip there in there for comedies sake.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Who am I to argue with comedy?”

ENIGMA: “So anyway, this Cheat he doesn’t like me and that’s ok. It’s a shame because I really like him. I love watching his promos and trying to figure out exactly what it is he is saying. I am sure in time as he continues to break down that language barrier that he will be a little easier to understand. But maybe not. Best case scenario he is the Spanish Sid Feder. Worst case, he’s still infinitely more entertaining than Peter Gilmour or Kay.”

JIMMY FALLON:“Well Mr. Enigma it has been an absolute pleasure having you. Good luck in your match, do come and see us again.”

ENIGMA: “I’d love to Jimmy.”



Fade to commercial.