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John Samuels · (03-14-2014)

“Kum Bay Ya, my lord, Kum Bay Ya.”

“Kum Bay Ya, my lord, Kum Bay Ya.”

“Kum Bay Ya, my lord, Kum Bay Ya.”

“O, Lord, Kum Bay Ya.”

The scene opens to a dark, wooded area. A roaring fire lights up the nearby trees and the crackling of embers fills the silence. As the camera moves closer a rocking chair, slowly rocking back and forth, comes into focus. As the rocking chair gets closer, several small, dark figures are shown sitting around the fire in a circle. The shot moves around the side of the rocking chair to reveal John Samuels. Samuels is wearing a straw hat, a large and obviously fake beard, and a yellow Hawaiian shirt. Samuels has a glazed look in his eyes as he stares into the fire, plucking at a singular string of the ukulele in his lap.

“Well...heh...it’s so nice of you to..hehehehe...to...heh…”

Samuels quickly looks down at words written on the back of the ukulele, then returns to his original pose.

“Join us...hehehe.”

“You see...uh’ hehe...your timin’ is as perfect. I have gathered all my fist children here to explain to them...heh...a little bit more of all the goin’ ons with World War X. Hehehe. You see, my babies is scared because they keep, uh, tryin’ to talk sense into Theo’s gang of rapscallions and they’re only met with the most heinous of greetings. Hehehe. I don’t know what’s so damn funny...heh….but I just can’t stop ma’self from...hehehe...allow me to digress myself. Say hello, to all my babies:”

One-by-one, the small figures are lit up as the fire pulses violently

A large, mentally handicapped child with leg braces.

“Sid Fetard.”

A smaller, mentally handicapped child who is trying, and miserably failing, to look hard.
“Griffin MacAlistard.”

An even smaller, mentally handicapped child who is ramming his fingers into a after-market anal cavity of a Cabbage Patch Kid.
“Dean McGovtard.”

A pig.
“Morbid Angel.”

“Hehehehe do you see, people behind the camera? Do you see the fruits of my loins?”

“We’re fruit?”

“Yes, Griffin, goddamnit. You’re a little fruit, now would you shut your mouth?"

“Now where...heh...was I? Oh that’s correct, I was about to talk about how I’m a benevolent creature whose seen it all, has done it all, has cookie dough flavored testicles and nipples that drip butterscotch. Because the almighty wills it. The almighty looks down upon me when I’m on my knees, and he smiles at me and says ‘Eli, go forth with your candynips and fist-babies, and you tell the people a bunch of nonsense that they don’t care to hear. And then, when you sound like the biggest, most contrite asshole that you possibly can, start crying when people don’t believe you.’ Amen, almighty. Amen.”

“Oh, oops. Hehehe”

“I know what you’re thinkin’, ‘Oh, poppa Eli, you’re just a false prophet with a hankerin’ for Kool-Aid.’ And I laugh at you people...hehehehe...because that’s all you little sheep can say. Can’t you come up with something better? I mean, I am pretty much a nondescript piece of lard that nobody would pay hide nor hair to if I didn’t get in front of you and talk in circles, but you people could come up with something else--even though you’ve already given a completely accurate, thorough rundown of my physical self and my personality.”

“Hear me crying, my Lord, Kum Bay Ya”

“Hear me crying, my Lord, Kum Bay Ya”

“Hear me crying, my Lord, Kum Bay Ya”

“O, Lord, Kum bay Ya.”

Samuels Eli stares at Dean McGovtard and clears his throat. Unflinching, the boy continues to make a hand puppet out of the Cabbage Patch Kid by forcefully inserting his fist into the crudely made anus. A small rock hits the child on the side of the head, causing him to look up in shock to see Samuels Eli staring at him with an annoyed look on his face.

“Well? Hehehehe”

“What?”

“...You were saying something? Heh.”

“No.”

“Yes, little baby, you were. Now out with it, tell poppa Eli.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“(Whispering) Say ‘what about John Samuels?’”

“What?”

“What about John Samuels, you ask? Well child, I was afraid you would ask that. The almighty did say that I would face a roadblock unlike any other that I’ve faced before. This John Samuels… I’ve watched him. I’ve studied his work in the ring. I’ve pleasured myself while thinking about the divine baritone with which he delivers his scathing insults to all my little babies. This creature, this beautiful, ripped man is something that eats at my soul. How could I have been so foolish? The almighty told me that opposing him was a lesson in futility, but in my obesity-caused ignorance I chose to ignore him. I wish I could that all back...hehehehe...I would have came crawling to John Samuels, on my knees, begging him to join me in my quest to bore the masses to sleep. What a fool I have been, passing on the most gifted and sensual man that has ever stepped foot through the doors of the XWF. Have you seen his ass in those tights? It’s fantastic. He must get all the ladies. If only I wouldn’t have let my stupidity and arrogance overcome me as usual, I would have recruited him and all of those hot chicks that he hangs with. Then we wouldn’t have to relieve our manly desires into the back pocket of that Lazatard.”

“What are you saying?”

“That Samuels fucks chicks. A bunch of super hot chicks. Even the almighty is probably pacing around up in fake heaven like, ‘Man, Samuels racks so many chicks.’”

“I don’t…”

“You know what, Griffin? You just cancelled your Make-A-Wish. Are you happy? You just had to keep opening your damn mouth, and now you’re not going to go to Disneyland. Paying attention, Fetard? Just because you’re a little

doesn’t mean you have to act like one. The only one of you I can stand right now is the pig,”

“Hear me singing, Lord, Kum Bay Ya”

“Hear me singing, Lord, Kum Bay Ya”

“Hear me singing, Lord, Kum Bay Ya”

“O, Lord, Kum Bay Ya”

Samuels Eli begins strumming the ukulele and nodding along. The fist children all clap along to the tune, except for the pig, who for some reason is still in this scene.

“Oooohhhh Lord, can’t ya see.
Johnny Boy Samuels is a comin’ for me.
He’s a rough n’ tough Texan, he’s Theo’s ace.
He’ll be fingerin’ Mandii while fuckin’ Callaway’s face.
He’s gonna break Sid’s legs, and Dimallisher’s knees.
Don’t touch ma’ beard if you’re allergic to fleas.
I’m a dirty ol’ preacher man, an unshowered cunt.
That’s a tough word to rhyme with, I’m still a cunt.

Oooohhhh Lord, can’t ya see.
Johnny Boy Samuels is a comin’ for me.
He’s a bad motherfucker, gets all of the chicks.
While team Theo celebrates we’ll be holding our dicks.
Because I’m stuck here with cripples,

and sluts.
Swagmire is probably gonna stick his dick in our butts.
It wouldn’t be new, to the most of the guys.
And definitely not Callaway."

“Hear me praying, Lord, Kum Bay Ya”

“Hear me praying, Lord, Kum Bay Ya”

“Hear me praying, Lord, Kum Bay Ya”

“O, Lord, Kum Bay Ya.”

Tears begin to stream down Samuels’ Eli’s face. He throws the ukelele into the fire, startling that pig who suddenly has a purpose in this scene again.

“Come on, Mr. Almighty! I need your help here! Samuels is comin,’ and there ain’t no stopping him. I tried my best… I sent Sid out to challenge Swagmire so that when he won, I could take Samuels out of the match without ever have to worry about the Adonis crushing my poorly groomed face. What else could I possibly do? If I pull out of the match, Sid is going to call me a

and cockblower, and by extension, Dimallisher will then also call me a

and a cockblower. Throw me a bone here, almighty sir. Can’t you do anything for me? I’ll do anything! I’ll stop having impure thoughts about Rose Smith! I’ll stop peeing in the public pools. I’ll stop begging people for change and then spending it on Jolly Ranchers. Please, almighty, I’ll do anything! Just don’t let Samuels come kill me at World War X! Please!”

He sits on the floor next to the fire and curls into a ball, mumbling to himself. He picks up relevant pig and cradles him in his arms, rocking back and forth.

“O, I need you Lord. Kum Bay Ya.”

“O, I need you Lord. Kum Bay Ya.”

“O, I need you Lord. Kum Bay Ya.”

“O, Lord, I am...fucked.”

Hehehehehehe.

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