London, England
February 1, 2014


Jimmy Durance, Theo Pryce’s personal gopher was invited to travel to London with his boss two weeks ago when Theo was to take part in an edition of Shove It, hosted by Archie Laweson. In addition to the all expenses paid trip by Theo’s boss, Jimmy was given a homework assignment. To a man it wasn’t very difficult. For Jimmy Durance he might as well have been ask to learn how to speak Mandarin Chinese fluently in 24 hours. The task? Jimmy needed to learn how to successfully “mac on girls” or “kick game” to use another Theo-ism.


How was Jimmy going to accomplish this task?


He had absolutely no bloody idea. But he knew that going back to work without doing what the boss asked was not an option. So Jimmy did everything he could possibly think of. He watched movies like Swingers, Wedding Crashers and Crazy, Stupid Love. He even went to a local book store and picked up a copy of The Game: Penetrating The Secret Society of Pickup Artists by Neil Strauss, considered a New York Times Best Seller on the subject of picking up women. So after roughly one week of research Jimmy was now at the point where he had to apply what he learned to real life situations which meant, hitting up a bar, or as they call them in “Jolly Old”, the pub. Fortunately for Jimmy in England there seems to be a pub on every corner, and the street where Jimmy is currently staying is no exception. And they say American’s have a drinking problem.


So Jimmy went down to the pub, from the looks of the inside this pub might be one of the official pubs of the West Ham United Hammers, the EPL futbol team and as luck would have it the Hammers are currently engaged in a match with Swansea City. Even more exciting for Jimmy, the Hammers are actually winning by a score of 2-0, or, 2 to nil, to use proper English speak. The Hammers winning means the ale will be flowing and long story short, Jimmy might actually have a chance. It’s not that Jimmy is an unattractive man, that’s not to say he is a looker by any stretch, on a scale of 1 to 10 he’s a hard 5 but really, his biggest problem is that he has severe issues when speaking to women. If you have ever seen the show The Big Bang Theory, Jimmie’s issues are eerily similar to that of the character Rajesh Koothrapali. In the show it’s called “selective mutism”, in real life it’s called being a “sackless pussy.”


So here we are, at the pub. Jimmy Durance in a sea full of alcohol infused futbool fans. A game that Jimmy know's very little about. There are one of two possibilities for how this night ends. Scenario 1, which Jimmy is calling the “ideal scenario” would see all of Jimmy’s hard work paying off as he leaves the pub with a woman. Scenario 2, which Jimmy is calling the “most likely scenario” sees Jimmy getting knocked out by one of the by beefed up, alcohol infused futbol fans. Nevertheless here we are, Jimmy at the pub.


Jimmy walks up to the bar, looks around at the various patrons and what they have in front of them as he waits for the bartender to make his way over. As Jimmy tries to take in all of the sights and sounds around him the barman finally makes his way over.


“What can I get you?”

“What beer to do you have on tap?”

”Ah an American. Well, what do you like? Ales? Porters? Stouts?”

“Nothing too heavy.”

“A pint of lager it is then.”

“Thank you.”

“So what brings you to London?”

“Work.”

“Fantastic. Enjoying your time so far?”

“Yes very much so. It’s my first time out here.”

"Well that’s great and you even lucked out. You can go back and tell all your mates that you were in a “Hammers” bar and the “Hammers” actually won the game. In a few minutes this place will erupt in song.”

“Sounds great.”


"It will be."


The barman slides Jimmy his “pint of lager” and in return Jimmy hands the barman some Euro’s including enough for a tip. After taking hold of his order Jimmy turns around and surveys the rest of the pub. Of course the pub is overwhelmingly stocked with men but there are a few handfuls of women in small pockets through the pub not all of which are dressed in West Ham colors. Off towards the end of the bar there two women conversing among themselves. After several moments of what essentially amounted to staring, one of the women took her leave, off in the direction of what appears to be the bathrooms.


It was now time for Jimmy to make his move. It was now or never.


Jimmy ran through all the things he could say to get the conversation off on the right foot. The book had some great ideas as did a few of the movies he watched. Of course, there is a huge difference between being Jimmy Durance or being guys like Vince Vaughn and Ryan Gosling. To say nothing of the fact that those were indeed movies and this is real life.


As Jimmy approached the woman he suddenly felt a lump in his throat the size of a grapefruit. The sweat started forming at the brim of his forehead, it was all starting to unravel before Jimmy even got a word out. But he would trudge on. As he finally got to within a few feet of the blonde woman he settled on his opening line…


“Do you come here often? I’d like your opinion on something?”

“American? Canadian?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Yes it is. So which is it?”

“American. You are the second person I’ve spoken to here and in both instances the initial response to my approach was asking if I was an American.”

“It’s our way of saying hello.”

“Is it?”

“No, I was just trying to be nice.”

“I see.”

“So you said you wanted my opinion on something or was that just a line?”

“Would it help if I said a bit of both?”

“It might. So what brings you here stranger?”

“It happens to be the closest pub to my hotel.”

“Well isn’t that fortunate for you?"

“Potentially. So may I buy you a drink?”

“Well that depends.”

“On?”

“My friend is coming back, she just went to the toilet. She would feel very unloved if she came back and only I had a new drink.”

“And we certainly wouldn’t want that. What are you and your friend drinking?”

“Rum and coke and I am drinking a vodka with lime.”

“Lovely. And before I do that, I try and not make it a habit to buy drinks for people without first getting their name.”

“Emma. My name is Emma, and when my friend comes back her name is Delilah.”

“Both lovely names. Mine is Jimmy, Jimmy Durance.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Jimmy, Jimmy Durance.”


Jimmy turns around to face the bar and in a desperate attempt to get the bar tenders attention, raises his hand as if he were back in grade school. Fortunately everyone’s eyes were glued to the TV so no one saw the failed attempt at getting noticed. Everyone but Emma that is, who titled her head slightly and smiled. But that's ok because thing's were going great. 15 minutes into his adventure and Jimmy has already gotten a name. Who knows what another 15 minutes will bring?


While Jimmy was at the bar attempting to get drinks for his new found friends, Emma’s friend Delilah made her way back from the toilet.


“Who is our new friend?” quipts Emma's friend Delilah.

“Jimmy, Jimmy Durance, he’s an American.”

“How lovely.”

“He seems like a nice guy, do try and be nice to him.”

“Why do you say it like that?””

“You know why, just be nice. He’s sweet, and kind of cute.”

“Kind of? That’s a ringing endorsement if I’ve ever heard one.”



Before Emma could respond to her friend’s comment Jimmy turned back around with three new drinks in his hand, one for each lady and a refill for himself. He also offered to buy the next round for everyone in the pub. Easy to do when using a Corporate Am Ex. Jimmy figured that showing the ladies he had money, even if it wasn’t his was one way to make some headway. As Jimmy started to open his mouth to introduce himself to Emma’s friend the barman interrupted everyone and with a loud whistle is able to momentarily get everyone’s attention.


“Hey everyone, next round is on our American friend here.” expresses the barman.


The barman smiles and points in Jimmy’s direction, unsure of what to do Jimmy raises his glass approximately a foot in the air as the bar erupts in cheers at the prospect of a free drink.


“Well Jimmy, Jimmy Durance, it seems like you’ve made yourself a few friends.”

“I suppose I have.” Turning in Delilah’s direction, “Hi, I’m Jimmy Durance.”

“So I heard. I’m Delilah, thank you for the drink.”

“You’re very welcome.”

And the inquisition from the concerned best friend begins...“So what brings you to London?”

“Business.”

“And what do you do for business?”

“I work for Pryce Industries.”

“Never heard of it, what does Pryce Industries do?”

“A little of this, a little of that, mostly government contracts, things of that nature.”

“Sounds exciting.”

“It can be. So are you two ladies futbol fans?”

“Not really. We like to come here during games because all the men are focused on the game so they leave us alone.”

“And here I am bothering you.”

Emma senses the awkwardness in Jimmy’s voice and chimes in to throw him a life raft, all the while giving her friend the stink eye. “You aren’t a bother at all. In fact I’ve rather enjoyed your company.”

“Thank you Emma, and I yours.”



The night continued to progress well for Jimmy. So much so that one round on the American turned into several. Emma continued to be enamored with Jimmy while Delilah played the role of good wingwoman. Jimmy even remembers the bar erupting into a chorus of “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles” as the futbol game ended.


At some point Jimmy remembers going shot for shot with his new friend Emma but not exactly how the night ended. In fact, he has no recollection of how he made it back to his hotel.


And then suddenly Jimmy’s cell phone starts to ring, and Jimmy starts fumbling around his bed, still half asleep. As he finally reaches the phone which is placed on the night table he is able to catch a glance at the clock…it was now 1pm London time. Somehow Jimmy had managed to sleep for at minimum 13 hours. Now, looking at his phone he sees the name on the display “Theo Pryce” and immediately he starts to panic. Jimmy hits the green button to accept the call.


“Hello Mr. Pryce how are you?”

“I’m good Jimmy but more importantly, how are you?”

“I’m fine sir, thank you for asking.”

“Well I was just checking because I got an email today from Finance that says I ran up a tab of around $13,000 dollars last night at some pub in London. I figured that based on the amount you would have to drink to spend that much that you were either dead from alcohol poisoning or at this point were probably wishing you were dead knowing that I know that you just spent $13,000 of my money.”

“Uhhhhh, sir….I’m….I’m really sorry sir. I went to a pub last night to try and pick up women as you had suggested, and…well….I guess things sort of got out of hand.”

“I would say so. But more importantly, was it a success? Did you manage to get someone back to your hotel room without drugging them?”


Jimmy looks around the room and see’s what appears to be blonde hair laying flat on the bed sheets next to where he was laying. Emma had blonde hair, though this hair seems a bit shorter, a lot shorter actually. And something else seems a bit off with everything but Jimmy can’t put his finger on it.


“Well, did it work?”

“Yes sir, I believe it did.”

“Fantastic Jimmy. Then consider that $13,000 my gift to you. Enjoy your last few days of vacation Jimmy. I’ll look forward to seeing your return. I have some big news for you.”

“Sounds good sir.”


Jimmy hangs up the phone, and continues to look around, trying to get a glimpse of the person in bed with him, as he lifts himself up a little bit to try and peer over it hits him like a ton of bricks…









…why does his ass hurt?





Fade out.