Our scene opens with a familiar site to long time XWF fans, it's the luxurious Tennessee mansion of the dick of doom packing face painted distributor of awesomeness, SCORPIO! Seriously brah, you want to buy some awesomeness? Scorpio's got dat, only $10,000 for a kilo, best fucking awesomeness on the streets! Or if you ladies are looking for a little bit of dat other kind of awesomeness Scorpio will gladly distribute it all over your faces free of charge. Did awesomeness just seamlessly switch from drugs to jizz? You're god damn right it did, get on my level ho. Anyway the camera pans around the mansion making you all tingly in your nether regions as you wish you could live in a place like that, which you can't because you're not awesome so don't kid yourself. The camera now cuts inside to the kitchen where we see Scorpio and his two sons. The nerdy boy appears to be eating what looks like oatmeal, sitting across the table from him is the boy that always wears his father's face paint and he appears to be ripping through a bowl of Frosted Flakes. Meanwhile Scorpio stands by the fridge as he devours a Wendy's Triple Stack. How did he get it so early in the morning? Mind your damn business and fuck your logic that's how. As Scorpio finishes off his burger of the gods and licks the grease of life from his fingers there is suddenly a knock at the door. Scorpio and the painted boy now stare daggers at each other as if to say "IT'S FUCKING ON"! The painted boy jumps up from the table running down a nearby hallway and Scorpio is right beside him. The camera stays on the nerd boy who shakes his head as he stands up from the table and slowly begins walking. We can hear a lot of banging and crashing noises and when the nerd boy reaches the end of the hallway we see Scorpio and the painted boy having an all out brawl in the living room. The nerd boy sighs and walks past them before swinging the front door open.


Scorpio: Ah not cool lil brah, we were seeing who could get it first.


Painted Boy: Yeah brah, that's cheating.


Nerd Boy: By the time you got to the door the person knocking probably would have left.



Voice: I doubt that bros.



The voice chimes in from the front porch causing all of them to glance in that direction.










Scorpio and Painted Boy: OLD BRAH!


Nerd Boy: GRANDPA!



Scorpio runs up and chest bumps the old brah as does the painted boy while the nerd boy opts for just a plain hug.


Scorpio: So what brings you hear old brah?


Old Brah: Well it's been a while since I dropped by to hang out with the little bros so I figured it was about that time.


Scorpio: Yeah it has been a while old brah but I can see you're still stuck on that ancient slang.


Old Brah: And I can see you haven't grown out of that "brah" crap and learned to say bro like an adult.


Scorpio: BRAH!


Old Brah: BRO!


Scorpio: BRAH!


Old Brah: BRO!


The two now get in each others faces until the nerd boy gets between them.



Nerd Boy: Do you have to do this every time?


Scorpio: YES! I'ma kick the bro out of him!


Old Brah: Not if I slap the brah out of you first!


Painted Boy: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!


Nerd Boy: You're not helping! Grandpa, father, can you just call a truce for now?


Scorpio and the old brah continue to stare at each other until the nerd boy unleashes... PUPPY DOG EYES! It was super effective.


Scorpio: Fine, truce old brah.


Old Brah: Yeah, truce. You're lucky anyway, I wouldn't want to hurt you before your match with Ezekiel.


Scorpio: Oh so you've been keeping up with my XWF ca... the hell you mean Ezekiel? I'm facing D. Shadows.


Old Brah: Bro, I just saw the card before I came over, you're facing Ezekiel.


Scorpio: You must have read it wrong or something, Ezekiel must be facing somebody in the match before or after my match with Shadows.


Old Brah: I think I was in the business long enough to remember how to read a card.


Scorpio: No way, can't be, you're senile old brah.


Old Brah:Then go check it yourself.


Scorpio: I will!


Scorpio vanishes from the scene as he walks through the house, most likely to hop on a computer. A few moments later all you hear is...


Scorpio: GOD..... DAMN.... IT!




The Final Sting


Well ain't that a bitch? Good to know that people in the XWF can still royally screw up the simplest tasks like something as simple as putting a card together... ESPECIALLY AFTER TELLING SOMEBODY WHAT THEIR GOD DAMN MATCH WAS GOING TO BE! Morbid... For Christ sake brah, how much crack did you smoke before getting the bright idea of putting me up against Ezekiel? You know after you had already told me that I was getting Shadows? After I had already laid Shadows the fuck out on Madness which had people talking about us fighting? Oh and this is a good one, even after I had already dropped a promo ripping Shadows to shreds while promoting the slaughter that was going to take place in Chernobyl? Seriously brah I want to know how much crack it took because I didn't think it was humanely possible for anybody outside of Charlie Fucking Sheen to get that high yet still be breathing. You sold your soul to the crack fairies to get that big of a score didn't you? DIDN'T YOU! I just got back last week and I'm already tired of these muthafuckin crackheads in this muthafuckin fed!





There's a strong wiff of crack fueled incompetence around here and it's making my head hurt... I mean REALLY BRAH!?!? FUCKING REALLY!?!?!? Okay, I'm done, I'm god damn bitch ass crackheaded bullshit can't even book a cock sucking card right when Peter Gilmour could probably pull it off done! Yes, that's how done with this I am! Cunt.... Okay now I'm done, seriously.... I HOPE YOU GET SO RADIATED THAT YOUR DICK FALLS OFF!







Okay brahs, totally done this time, no tricksies. So because of a.... *cough* GIANT FUCKING CRACKHEAD CUNT SWAB *cough* I will now be fighting Ezekiel... couple of other names and a number thrown in for good measure. Yeah, the aids guy. Well at least Morbid Dope Fiend didn't completely bend me over and fuck the shit out of me in the booking department by actually putting me up against somebody good. As a matter of fact this match against Ezekiel will probably be more of a cake walk than the one against Shadows would have been. An easier cake walk that makes absolutely no fucking since except to the deluded shit stain that was using cocaine as lube as he jerked his tiny little cock while he seemingly just pulled random matches from his ass, but a cake walk none the less.









I know what I said before and I'm really finished this time, that was it, on to Ezekiel. How you doin brah? Well scratch that you've got aids, you're doing shitty, that's how you're doing. Plus you just got booked against me so I'd say you couldn't be doing any shittier but on top of the fact that you've got aids and you're fighting me, the match is in the middle of radiationland. So to recap you're a mediocre fuckwit taking on a former world champion, you have aids trying to kill you, and we're going to throw some god damn radiation into the mix for shits and giggles? Yep brah, seems like the deck is clearly stacked in your favor on this one, I might not even show up and just let you have the victory. These odds brah, I just can't overcome these odds.












Honestly brah your chances are slim and none and I just went balls deep into slim with the assistance of a home made lubricant consisting of equal parts Tabasco and Purell. Slim is going to be too preoccupied with the apocalyptic pain resonating from its asshole to worry about you is what I was saying in case the aids have started fucking with your mind. Sure, I guess I could have lied and said some shit like this is "going to be a good match because blah blah blah nobody would believe this shit". Just like Shadows was going to be, all you are is fodder, in these promos and in the match that's taking place in Chernobyl. Nobody gives a fuck about you, you're here for the simple reason that people want to see me verbally and physically massacre somebody and you're the lucky victim. It's okay brah, it's okay, superstars can't be superstars without shitty competition like you to destroy in order to show everybody exactly why they're superstars.











See brah it just wouldn't be the same without you there to catch my balls in your face, IT JUST WOULDN'T BE THE SAME! You're an integral part in the equation! Without you there then it would just be me being awesome which thousands of people would pay to see I'm sure even if I went out to the ring and wrestled an imaginary opponent. However people would much rather see me being awesome with my sweaty junk all up in some scrubs face. It's true, we took a survey, numbers don't lie brah, the people want balls on face contact and I'm damn well going to give it to them! Don't play the whole "you're underestimating me" card either brah, nobody wants to hear that overused crap, NOBODY! Besides I'm not, it isn't like I just jumped into this promo without knowing a damn thing about you and started talking shit. I've looked up what you've done since joining the XWF and haven't been impressed by a god damn thing. So brah basically what I'm saying is you can take your fucking "underdog effect" rhetoric and cram it right up your aids infected starfish because no matter what you do I'm going to win regardless. As a matter of fact I'm so sure I'm going to win that if I lose I'll shave a fucking mural to Barney Green into my pubes. Do you understand what that means? I'LL PROBABLY NEVER GET A BONER AGAIN! Who could looking at a face like that? It's done brah, it's fucking done, my ability to get it up now rides on this match and I refuse to have non-working junk like Supernova.... and Peter Gilmour.










You're damn right I did, don't hate the dick of doom, hate ya'lls defective equipment. Especially you Gilmour, Supernova is a fucking corpse, what's your excuse? Perhaps Rose wouldn't need me around if you could get little gilly to look at something besides the floor. Well, maybe not since Rose told me they sucked your fat out and you've still been unable to locate that tiny bald headed yogurt slinger of yours. Wait aren't I supposed to be talking about Ezekiel? Damn he's so irrelevant Peter Gilmour seems more important than he does. Honestly can anybody think of any possible way Ezekiel comes out of this match as a winner? Aside from the fact that I'm a former XWF World Champ, I'm also a 10 time name changing champion, and I held the X-treme Title for 58 days. I would say I know a little something about x-treme rules matches don't you think? I'll also go out on a limb and say that the odds are pretty high that me in all of my awesome glory will be able to toss the aids and radiation ravaged body of Ezekiel into a pit of Peter Gilmours before he can toss me in. Come on Ezekiel, be honest with yourself brah, you've got no shot. I don't care if you learn how to shoot flaming chihuahuas out of your nose before our match, I don't care if you get Steve Davids to teach you his trick to developing such perfect melons so that you can squirt aids breast milk at me, and I sure as fuck don't care if you raid the vault of cliche bullshit in order to try to find some way to explain how in the blue hell you could ever beat me. The only thing that matters is Scorpio is back in the XWF and you get the honor of having your skull be the first one of many that my dick of doom obliterates. Be proud brah, if it wasn't for horrible booking the honor would have went to Shadows.

Awesomeness Achieved


1x XWF (World) Champion


1x XWF Tag Champion (with Frodo)


1x XWF X-treme Champion


16x XWF Heavymetal Weight Champion (UFO / Ark)


Two Month Long UFO/ARK/HMW Title Reigns


Longest (personal) Reign 11/12/14 - 12/18/14


Reigning Bra And Panties King


Donkey punched your mother!


Banged Rose Smith Repeatedly


Seriously Brah I Did


Said it was the best she ever had


And she could feel it in her spine


Scorpin Master!


AAOOOOOOOOWW!!!


I'm pinning the Witch Doctor So Hard Right Now


Would you pin me?


I'd pin me.





#DickToFaces